DH called my son a prick.

To all the outraged posters, no one is defending the husband here, he should exercise more self restraint if he is choosing to take on another’s mans children. The far bigger issue is the son. OP can walk away from her husband but not her son and his behaviour will only escalate leaving OP in more trouble. She needs to discipline her sons behaviour more than the husbands because the son is her responsibility even if the marriage doesn’t last. By making this about the husband, the bigger problem doesn’t get fixed.

@Wishforme
It think you are doing your very best both with your son and husband.

It sounds as if you have a good way of dealing with your son and, at least your husband knows that his way is not the right way-it doesn't sound to be as if he has your son under a reign of terror!

I hope it turns out well for you.

It's funny how many men end up having problems with their step-sons, yet get on fine with their step-daughter.

Also all these "Well maybe he's at the end of his tether with the OP's parenting" comment are ridiculous. If you don't like how the other adult in your home parents you talk to them. If you don't like how they deal with things you talk to them.

You don't start losing your rag and name calling 11-year-old children.

11 year olds are not 4 year olds, I think your DS is very aware of what he is doing here. He’s playing up and pushing boundaries with your DH causing strain in your marriage so he gets Mummy all to himself - this was proven to him by the lawnmower story. Not saying DH should be swearing at him but no wonder he is loosing his rag. I don’t think excluding your DH is the way forward, unless you don’t want a marriage anymore.

Your dh’s behaviour is unacceptable. This is only going to get worse as your son becomes a teenager. I think you need to take steps now.

In what circumstances is it acceptable to name call children now? Including going into the garden to give them another barrage after things have calmed down?

Children shouldn't have to be eternally grateful to their mother and step-father for putting a roof over their head. That's just a basic job you take on when you have a child ffs.

Intrepidintrovert

Poor little boy? Or perhaps cheeky little s**t who gets away with murder from a soft mother who refuses to discipline or enforce basic good housekeeping, and makes every excuse under the sun to defend brat like behaviour

For all we know the step father has sat by biting his tongue but after watching his partner get the p**s ripped out of her for too long has decided to say something.

Maybe the language used was uncalled for but all these PP painting the 'poor wee boy' scenario makes me lol. 11 year olds are more than capable of keeping their room tidy and shouldn't be talking back to the people putting a roof over their head.

I'm glad you have addressed the problem with your husband. He should not lose his rag and speak to your son with such a foul mouth no matter how provoked.

I hope he realises he will lose you if he doesn't learn to keep his temper in check.

Your son doesn't have to be grateful for having a decent home and reasonable parents, that is the bare minimum to which every child is entitled.

You don't resort to being abusive to a child

I’d get rid, personally. But I bet you won’t. Your poor little boy having to live with an unrelated male who doesn’t like him and abuses him while his mum stands by.

I agree- things will get worse OP- much worse.
Be prepared to have a son who won't speak to you at all by the time he is 20.

You just don't need to abuse them to do so.

I think we know who the prick here is and he's not your son.

I’d get rid, personally. But I bet you won’t. Your poor little boy having to live with an unrelated male who doesn’t like him and abuses him while his mum stands by.

OP please wake up. Most parents invest time and a lot of money into their kids. I get impatient with my DS however to swear and call him a prick! It NEVER gets to that stage!

I think YOU should discipline your children in future and tell your husband to keep his nose out and maybe he would not get worked up.
Also he may hit you and the children one day.

I would not put up with being disrespected by a “gobby” 11 year old who refuses to follow instructions and is always backed up and excused by his indulgent mother.

@sst1234 Now, calling your son names gets your husband nowhere and he is being quite immature himself, but not abusive

Wrong.

You have to address your sons behaviour immediately or you will be next in the line of fire. And here it is... control your son op or you will be your husbands next victim. When in fact, I wonder how much your son would grow if he wasn't living under the same roof as an abusive step father.

Oh and sst1234, here are some signs of emotional abuse: link

Yelling or swearing (read about Emotional Bullying and How to Deal with an Emotional Bully)
Name calling or insults; mocking
Threats and intimidation
Ignoring or excluding
Isolating
Humiliating
Denial of the abuse and blaming of the victim

@HoppingPavlova He didn't tell him he was "acting like" a prick..he called him a prick. It is VERY different.

YABVU for not dumping your DH sooner, how many years has he been really yelling at your DS?

Ffs I despair.

I think that lots of people get to a stage of having a frayed temper when trying to deal with a so called brat of a child, and so go forth with angry words towards them, and although not perfect behaviour, it is what can happen in a moment of being angry about something.

[quote sunflower1022]@differentnameforthis

As someone who is still struggling with low self esteem decades after an abusive childhood I wish I could 'like' your post.[/quote]
I am SO sorry you lived that @sunflower1022. It is very hard when people minimise what you went through as a child, and had no control over.

@frumpety

The DS isn't "pushing" anyone's "buttons" he is being a typical kid, with suspected SN (according to op)

And doesn't deserve to be abused for it.

I tell him his behaviour isn’t acceptable. I use distraction “oh i would love it if you help me with chopping the veg” (he loves to be involved). yesterday after this incident, I had got him mowing the lawn because he’s been desperate to do it, seeing it as a grown up thing to do. So I taught him how to start the mower, line up the rows etc. It was all going brilliantly and then my DH went out to have another pop at him.
I take him on long bike rides to get rid of his nervous energy, I do breathing exercises with him. He has counselling at school to build emotional resilience which is where a lot of the backchat comes from. A feeling of low self-worth. I tell him he’s beautiful, thoughtful (he is) and a fount of all knowledge (he loves facts) and pray that one day, it will all be okay. It’s been a painful, long journey. But I do think his behaviour and resilience are improving. He has so much going for him if only...has been the resounding sentence from his teachers throughout his life...I’m trying.

OP I'm not defending your husband. That is not the way to behave towards an 11 year old. But this part of one of your posts does make me think that there is another side to this.

Because you perceive low self esteem and possibly ADHD, you are trying to build him up emotionally. No problem with that. But what you've written suggests that maybe you also go too far the other way. He seems to be rewarded for his bad behaviour because you distract him by suggesting doing the things he likes to do.

He obviously gets a lot of your time and attention. What about his sister? Does she get the same?

He wanted to do the lawn - so you spent a lot of time with him, explaining how to do it and then letting him get on with it. Did you precede it with 'tidy your room and then I'll show you how to mow the lawn'? You praise him for being beautiful, thoughtful and knowledgeable - does he now have the impression that he's the apple of your eye and can do no wrong? You say you tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, but are there consequences or do you move on to do something he wants to do as a 'distraction'? I'm not suggesting you beat him with a stick, but are there actions as well as words?

He needs boundaries. And maybe he's being gobby and chats back because with you he gets away with it. Maybe you let him to compensate for your DH's behaviour, or because you believe that you are doing the right thing to build up his confidence. But there is a middle ground that leaves DS in no doubt that some of his behaviour is unacceptable, and that it won't just be smoothed over or rewarded.

Be prepared for ss to get involved op. Back to school will give ds a chance to find someone to fight his corner...
It should bloody well be you op.

“do you support this appalling behaviour then? He’s disrespectful to you and me and ungrateful etc etc”
Response: ‘Of course I don’t, I wouldn’t be telling you to stop swearing at him if I supported your appalling behaviour. You’re an adult, act like one.’
Obviously lots of great things said but if he can’t help himself again don’t let that go by you.