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Original poster

DH called my son a prick.

217 replies

Wishforyou · 02/09/2020 11:47

In most ways DH is a supportive loving husband and a good stepfather to my two children and he has been now for the last 8 years.
However, his tolerance levels are low. He really yells when my DS who is 11, talks back or refuses to tidy his room etc. Yesterday during one of these exchanges he swore three times, I forget all of the words, there was a f*ck in there somewhere but he called my son a prick. He’s also called him a brat and various other things in the past. It seems to be a temper that isn’t under control. He has never hit any of us and wouldn’t. He’s spent a lot of money and time getting my son’s bedroom decorated recently, he’s invested in all of us.
But calling my son a prick no matter how pre-teeny he is being isn’t ok with me. I didn’t say much yesterday, apart from he should be modelling behaviour that he wants my son to adopt. I.e. not peppering his language with swear words.
Afterwards he said sorry and apologised to my son but he has done before and it always happens again.
Do I take his further and suggest he get help or move on? Is this normal on an occasional basis? Apart from my wonderful recently
deceased father, I haven’t had the best male experiences. A bi-polar angry stepfather and an emotionally abusive father to my kids. I don’t want to overreact but...

OP posts:
formerbabe · 02/09/2020 16:38

Muttering under your breath when asked to do something reasonable is really disrespectful. He's 11...he can understand that. As a one off incident I don't think it will do him any harm to know that everyone has their limit and your behaviour has consequences. I remember calling my mother a bitch...I was slapped hard round my face. I wouldn't hit my dc and I don't agree with physical punishment but was I abused? No I wasn't and I certainly didn't speak to her like that again.

Original poster
Wishforyou · 02/09/2020 16:36

@elephantday82 yelling “you’re a prick” is another level up from the odd “for fuck’s sake.”
I think you’re safe.

OP posts:
Elephantday82 · 02/09/2020 16:31

I’d better drop mine off at social services now. I’ve definitely sworn at them when they piss me off 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster
Wishforyou · 02/09/2020 16:28

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe I did step in there and then. I said immediately “not acceptable.” I’ve also said since that I won’t tolerate it happening again under any circumstances. I’ve also told my son that whilst I don’t condone his back chat, I also don’t condone my husband’s name-calling, that he was wrong to do that and I’ve asked him that it doesn’t happen again. I don’t want my son growing up thinking he can just call anyone a prick when they irritate him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wishforyou · 02/09/2020 16:18

@JinglingHellsBells I don’t really care how married couples “usually” work. For various reasons he moved in with me & for various reasons (not least the sheer blood, sweat and tears buying it and doing it up as a single mum) I haven’t felt obliged to gift half to anyone else just because they put a ring on it. As I said, when I have a job we will upgrade and he will contribute to a mortgage and at that point and only that point, will it be a joint financial affair and my hard earned equity will be protected for my children’s future. Because that’s just how I roll.

My mother worked 15 hrs days. I didn’t see her much. She wasn’t around to get me to tidy my room. You may not find it funny that I therefore lived in a shit-tip of a room. But I do. It doesn’t mean I don’t think my son should tidy his. I just think on a scale of a national pandemic, people dying, jobs being lost (all of which has happened in my immediate family) a tidy room is the last of my worries.

OP posts:
sunflower1022 · 02/09/2020 16:18

@differentnameforthis

Thank you. Judging by your first post you have had a similar experience.

This thread has really upset me.

(Sorry, I can't figure out how to quote someone's original post)

Ishihtzuknot · 02/09/2020 16:18

I wouldn’t be happy with this. If any man thought it was acceptable to call my child names he would be an ex. Please protect your son before it messes up his head and strains your relationship.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 02/09/2020 16:16

He ought to be apologising to your child ..He wouldnt speak to mine who ever he thought he was.How dare he abuse your child like that.You should have stepped in there and then and not allowed it to continue.He sounds a class a pillock and if he cant be right with your kids then fuck him off.You shape your kids at this age..he is damaging them beyond belief and so will you be if you allow him to continue.This isnt a case of kids winning its a case of him being very very wrong. A few cans of paint and a few rolls of wallpaper arent an investment or a decent swap for years of abuse.What does he do when you arent there to hear would be my next question..get rid.

blanchmange50 · 02/09/2020 16:13

I am interested to understand why your DS school are worried about his emotional well being? What has happened previously?

My 5 yr old has been getting support at school for emotional resilience, I know exactly why he is getting that support, his father has been ill with a terminal diagnosis and spent a couple of months in hospital when first diagnosed. His older teenage brother is getting counselling for the same thing. Hence my question?

EmilyBishopmyconfession · 02/09/2020 16:08

Absolutely serious.

I bet he doesn't roar like that at grown men his own size.

JinglingHellsBells · 02/09/2020 16:07

@Wishforyou Does your son always 'mumble under his breath' when his stepdad asks him to do something totally reasonable?

JinglingHellsBells · 02/09/2020 16:06

From an adult male to a 11 year old boy, that's chilling

Are you serious? A boy backchats his step dad who has possibly had a really tough and stressful day, trying to work in a small house, who had decorated and paid for the boy's room, and he shouts 'what did you say?'

You think that's bad when this lad has given him a mouthful albeit under his breath?

JinglingHellsBells · 02/09/2020 16:04

Your latest update @Wishforyou raises lots of red flags for me about your marriage.

You seem to be like 2 single people, not a couple.

For example, you refer to it as your house, which you own, yet in 8 years' of marriage it's never been put in joint names.

Then you said he paid to decorate your son's room.

That's not how married people usually work!

It's HIS son's room too.

These things may seem trivial to you but to me they show a bigger picture where you and your son are a family unit and your husband is on the outside.

Do you think this is why he behaves as he does towards your son who back-chats him when he asks him to tidy his room?

(And I don't think your happy/ tears of laughter face about your own lack of tidiness as a child is funny. If your son carries on like this, someone else will be on here in 20 years' time complaining he won't do his share of the housework and tidying up! You could be raising him as entitled, expecting other people to clean up after him.)

EmilyBishopmyconfession · 02/09/2020 16:03

I’m not actually sure what he did wrong. I heard some “under breath” grumbling about tidying his room and we went from there to the roar of my husband saying “what did you say to me, come back here and tell me what you said to me...”

From an adult male to a 11 year old boy, that's chilling. Agree with other posters that unless your DH gets some serious help, it'll affect your relationship with your DC for years, perhaps permanently.

Just s wild shot in the dark, but he's not in the armed forces or ex-forces is he?

kirinm · 02/09/2020 15:57

@Waxonwaxoff0

This is exactly why I, as a single parent, will never move a man into my home. It's never in the best interests of the children.
Yes because all step parents are inherently bad and damaging for children.
Original poster
Wishforyou · 02/09/2020 15:57

@Feedingthebirds1 no I don’t know the exact words. My son mumbled under his breath about tidying his room (I don’t believe anyone could decipher it, most of the mumblings are indecipherable). My husband blew his top not at what he said but that he said anything at all and that the tone was grumbly.

OP posts:
kirinm · 02/09/2020 15:56

@SoulofanAggron

Given DH has been around for 8 years, I can't see that you suddenly deciding to discipline DS alone - disregarding his involvement - will go down particularly well.

Tough shit. It's a response to how he's acted.

Will you expect him to stop financially contributing to his upbringing too?

Money doesn't give him a license to abuse a child.

--
PP's- no behaviour of a child can excuse his response.

My point was this is a very odd relationship given that he's been around since DS was 3 years old and DD 1. It doesn't sound like a family unit at all.

I think the OP has been far too vague to declare this abuse.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 02/09/2020 15:56

This is exactly why I, as a single parent, will never move a man into my home. It's never in the best interests of the children.

Annasgirl · 02/09/2020 15:54

@blubberball

I have to set myself some boundaries in relationships, and this would be one of them. I'd rather be single than have my family tiptoeing on eggshells around a man's temper.
Me too - I would never put my children through this.
luckylavender · 02/09/2020 15:53

He wouldn't do that again to a child of mine.

SoulofanAggron · 02/09/2020 15:52

Given DH has been around for 8 years, I can't see that you suddenly deciding to discipline DS alone - disregarding his involvement - will go down particularly well.

Tough shit. It's a response to how he's acted.

Will you expect him to stop financially contributing to his upbringing too?

Money doesn't give him a license to abuse a child.

--
PP's- no behaviour of a child can excuse his response.

FippertyGibbett · 02/09/2020 15:51

No, that’s not acceptable. You need to protect your son.
You don’t want him growing up thinking that that is how you speak to and treat children.

Shoopdedoop · 02/09/2020 15:47

Is it coincidental that problems are arising now that DS is reaching his teenage years?

In OP own words DH has been supportive and good step-father for 8 years. The behaviour of both DS and DH needs to be addressed and can be improved.

So many PP quick to call for an end to the relationship without even attempting to fix the issue. Probably projecting their own loneliness/failed relationships. Misery loves company I suppose.

Feedingthebirds1 · 02/09/2020 15:42

I heard some “under breath” grumbling about tidying his room and we went from there to the roar of my husband saying “what did you say to me, come back here and tell me what you said to me...”

OP do you know what your DH thought DS said, and do you know what he actually said?

I'm still not excusing DH's behaviour, but it would give a lot of context to know.

Some people assume I don’t discipline my child from the fact I took him out to mow the lawn

No, but some of us have pointed out that it seemed like rewarding him. Hence my question above.

AbsentmindedWoman · 02/09/2020 15:39

@PhilSwagielka

I think we know who the prick here is and he's not your son.
This.