DH called my son a prick.

Your husband sounds verbally abusive. I grew up in that type of atmosphere and it is hell on earth. I think deep down you realize he has serious anger issues. Your son's anxiety might diminish if your husband didn't harangue him so often. Your son has no choice in who his parents pick as partners so I think you should think long and hard about his relationship with his own daughter and your son

@JinglingHellsBells I have been married for 26yrs, I have a separate bank account to my dh...

There is no problem having separate finances to your spouse. In fact, it makes good financial sense for the woman.

@formerbabe With regards to the ops dh, he could be an abusive bastard, he could have been at the end of his tether.

he spends an awful lot of time at the end of his tether then, as he does this - according to op - a few times a month!

@Wishforyou Some people assume I don’t discipline my child

Because on MN it's easier to blame a child for being a child, than blame a parent/step parent for being abusive. MN hold kids to a WAY higher standard than they they do adults.

What I actually suspect it is... is that (some of) the people defending your dh recognise themselves in him. And to agree that he is abusive means they have to re-frame their behaviour.

@JinglingHellsBells Are you serious? A boy backchats his step dad who has possibly had a really tough and stressful day, trying to work in a small house, who had decorated and paid for the boy's room, and he shouts 'what did you say?'

Please will you STOP minimising and excusing abuse. Kids of all ages backchat, that DOES NOT excuse an adult calling them names and being intimidating (both are abusive behaviours, by the way) and you constantly defending this man is sickening!

Self esteem,lost as a child,is never recovered,however tough you are,however strong and confident you appear,that small child within will be knowing they are never going to be good enough.
Stop this abuse whilst you can op.

(I notice it's never 'our' son)

@JinglingHellsBells Why would she say "our son" when he's not the DH's son and still has a relationship with his father?

If she did say our son she'd get shot down on here for disrespecting her son's father, causing confusion etc.

I think that lots of people get to a stage of having a frayed temper when trying to deal with a so called brat of a child, and so go forth with angry words towards them, and although not perfect behaviour, it is what can happen in a moment of being angry about something.

This was NOT angry words. Calling a child names is abusive behaviour.

^This 100%. My DH and I have both been pushed to our limit by our DD1 (11). She's actually been violent towards me in the past, though she's moved past that mostly. She will still throw whatever is to hand when in a rage, though. She and DD2 (8) are both adopted and are full birth siblings. And DD1 also has SEN.

Yes, I've been pushed to the limit, and so has my DH. But we manage not to call her names. However angry you might be, there's never an excuse for that.

The part that really worries me about the OP's DH is him going out into the garden to have another go at her DS. It's the sort of thing that my abusive F used to do, having a go for the sake of it. That is NOT because of having been pushed beyond endurance, that's him looking to have another pop at him.

And if it's happening several times a month, that really does suggest to me that the OP's DH goes out of his way to pick a fight with her DS. And sorry, but yes that's abusive.

Your DH can't have it both ways. On one side he is controlling this kid and the other he is making demands on him to be more mature.
Why did your DH clean the lad's room for him? Because your DH couldn't stand the room being untidy and then it becomes a 'look! I've had to clean up after you too! Instead of 'why don't we clean your room I would like to help you'.
The thing to do is ask the boy to help clean his room and both do it together, eventually then he can do it on his own.
Likewise mowing the lawn - your DH couldn't leave your son to find his own way and do it - no, he had go out and tell him what he was doing wrong. That's what controlling people do - they are compelled to control - other people's 'shoddy' behaviour seems to be a reflection on them. Other people are an extension of themselves not another separate person who is allowed to make mistakes.

But you are conversing with me @Wishforyou :)

I think it is very much on topic. The reason for that is your DH 'paid' for your son's room to be decorated. That shows a slightly odd set up when you have been married for 8 years and appears to show you don't share finances (and he isn't a joint owner of your house.)

If your DH paid to have your son's (I notice it's never 'our' son) room decorated and your son can't be bothered to tidy it, and back chats when he's asked to do it, maybe your DH has reason to be annoyed?

So who pays for what is relevant .

You don't seem to be 'together' as a couple with the money side and maybe not with your approach to parenting either.

Although he's been your H for 8 years, you write as if you aren't married both in the way you talk about YOUR son and how the money works. (If you aren't working now, your H presumably pays for everything anyway?)

Your son will pick up these vibes and play you off against each other.

*My son is gobby and chats back

So you expect another adult who is not their bio father to accept that and not occasionally get annoyed?

There's a difference between getting annoyed and calling a child a prick and swearing at him. Particularly when you are that child's stepfather and should expect to set a good example.

Exactly @SixesAndEights

@Wishforyou You forfeited your sole ownership of your house the minute you got married. Do you not realise this?

If a man came on here and said he'd been married for 8 years but he wasn't willing to allow his wife to share ownership, for a start everyone would laugh and say he didn't understand how the law works in the case of divorce, but it doesn't say much about their relationship.

That's why some couples live together, and have wills that bypass the person they live with so their assets go to their children or whoever they choose.

Once you are married it doesn't work like that.
I appreciate you worked hard as a single mum to buy it, but once you married, that changed, by law.

As for not asking your son to tidy his room (which has step dad has paid to be spruced up) because of the pandemic, that's not really credible. Yes, in the grand scheme of things it may not be that important, but day to day family life is still around us all.

and at that point and only that point, will it be a joint financial affair and my hard earned equity will be protected for my children’s future. Because that’s just how I roll.

That's not how the law rolls. As you're married assets are joint and will be divided as such in the case of a divorce.

When I say end of the road. I’ve told him it doesn’t happen again. Not that I’m leaving. I’d it does happen, then I might.

What does this even mean OP?

If it happens again then you might leave but you might not, but it's the end of the road - for what exactly if you don't leave?

That's horrible. Your poor son, at 11 he's very young. It's disgusting and I would not tolerate it

Ss did indeed intervene when I reported a woman for swearing and screaming in her dc's face. It is abuse..
Sad some don't agree.

I don’t really care how married couples “usually” work. For various reasons he moved in with me & for various reasons (not least the sheer blood, sweat and tears buying it and doing it up as a single mum) I haven’t felt obliged to gift half to anyone else just because they put a ring on it.

@Wishforyou Do you appreciate that as a married couple, your husband stands to gain 50% of whatever you own as assets if you divorce?Unless you have a pre-nup (which is incredibly hard to enforce in the UK) the starting point in divorce is 50-50. So that kind of blows your theory out of the water.

Imagine if the boot was on the other foot and man came to MN saying the same thing - that he wouldn't 'gift' the home to his wife.

You don't sound as if you love him very much from your comments, or work together as a couple regarding your son. Is that why he might be playing one of you off against the other? (which kids do - divide and conquer.)

Ideally, you both need to sit down as both his parents (is he officially adopted by your H?) and discuss how to manage his behaviour because being arsey at 11 is going to escalate to an awful lot more than he's doing now once those hormones kick in and he's a stroppy 15 year old.

What have you said or done with your son to get him to understand his behaviour is out of line? Have you any punishment/ reward system in place?

Abuse, social services?!! give over. Your Ds sounds like a typical pre teen & your Dh sounds like a man who reacted like many parents do when they've had enough of the back chat. I'm pretty sweary with my teens, if they are acting like a prick I'm gonna tell them. Hasn't had a damaging affect on them, we have a very loving & close relationship.

I remember calling my mother a bitch...I was slapped hard round my face. I wouldn't hit my dc and I don't agree with physical punishment but was I abused? No I wasn't and I certainly didn't speak to her like that again

What if every time you chatted back a bit or some other standard preteen behaviour, or didn't tidy your room, or just irritated her a bit, instead of just telling you off like a normal parent and teaching you how to behave, she instead shouted at you and called you a bitch? Multiple times per month.

Cos that's exactly what OP is saying her DH does.

I agree that 'you're a prick' is a level up. He isnt talking to your DS like a dedicated father figure- he is acting like a frustrated adult dealing with someone he doesnt like. My step dad was a lovely man and never spoke to me or my siblings like that....ever. He was my confidante, we would have long conversations about life and he supported me alot.

My husband blew his top not at what he said but that he said anything at all and that the tone was grumbly.

With the greatest of respect, what the fuck is your husband planning to do when your son's tone goes from "grumbly" to "aggro-don't-call-me-a-prick-you-twat"? Your DH is not a good step parent. At all. And as someone who is married to a DH who isn't DS1's Dad, I am ALL about the step parents, so please don't mistake me for one of those cliche'd step-parent haters because I really am not.

You can close to continue living with this shitarse, by all means. But the time will come where your son confronts him over his language and you will face the choice of protecting your DH or protecting your son. I suspect you'll probably protect your DH, since you're currently saying "I don't want my son doing x" but allowing a man in your home to do exactly that. Your son will model the behaviour he sees and when he does, what's the betting your DH blows his top and reacts even more aggressively?

It's like a bonfire has been lit now - you know it's burning and you can ignore it, but it's going to burn hotter and hotter til your son goes up in flames. You have the choice to put the fire out, but only you can do that. Your 11 year old can't. Your DH has no intention of putting out the fire; it suits him to behave like a prize arse to a child. It's on you, OP.