DH called my son a prick.

Rubbish.

Verbal punches are just as bad as physical ones.

I would not tolerate someone calling my son names, or swearing at him. I just couldn't and not sure how you can.

No excuse for abuse.

@yetmorecrap He isn't "pulling" anyone up on their behaviour. He is emotionally and verbally abusing a minor. Several times a month.

Whilst I don’t agree with calling children names , there do seem to be some parents who are being told to put up with any old behaviour from older kids and kick out any bloke (biological father or not) who pulls them up on their behaviour. They are in my opinion both in the wrong here and need to both apologise , to each other and to you too and need to think about their behaviours

@lyralalala

Exactly. And my DD1 (11) has attachment issues and has been violent to me in the past. I've been pushed beyond endurance as has my DH. We don't call her names. Adults are supposed to have self-control.

True you wouldn’t say it though!

And definitely not several times a month

But was he being a prick? Sometimes pre teens can be.

OP it sounds like there are two problems- Your DH needs to learn to control his temper better not just with your DS but his own DD also. But it does sound like your DS needs a bit more manners....is it possible he is winding up your DH on purpose to create a divide? Either way it would a shame to end a marriage of 8 years over calling a bratty 11 year old a prick

@JinglingHellsBells - The issue is that the OP thinks her husband would have no claim on their assets if they split up. That's wrong because the starting point for divorce is a 50-50 split.

That’s not what I was answering though and you know it. I was answering That shows a slightly odd set up when you have been married for 8 years and appears to show you don't share finances

I am not trading anything at all, I used it as an example to point out that it isn’t weird for the op & her dh to have separate finances at all and that many married couples do, and it is recommended for women. Completely normal and wise, as you stated here - always had my own savings, pensions, investments. I was always able to be financially independent.

And I am NOT excusing the father Actually you are. All your posts point to the son being the issue, and even op for her “lack” of discipline because you didn’t like her de-escalation technique. You just think the dh "needs to stop shouting" but to be honest, he needs to stop a lot more.

I'm actually trying to look at this a bit more deeply than some of the posts You aren’t though, you aren’t reading what the op is saying about her dh, just picking on the son here because you and others have decided he’s a mouthy brat! Nothing about the dh and him verbally abusing the lad multiple times a month.

No, he shouldn't shout but is there a family on the planet who behaves as perfect parents and never, ever loses it with their child? Show me one, please! Who said no one loses it with their child? No one. We did say that you don’t have to verbally abuse your child to discipline them though. There is a shit load of space between “perfect” (that tired “insult” again) and abusing your child. Because YES, name calling and intimidation IS abuse,

We also shared stories about damaging being abused as a child is, and some shared what their abuse looked like, yet you STILL think this is OK and that it's just a bit of shouting.

Step family relationships are never easy and stepson/ step father relationships are notoriously hard as boys start puberty. This is especially so if the the boy and mother have a really close bond which excludes the step dad You know that is because the husband feels threatened though, right? Not because the of the son, who is doing what boys and girls of this age do. You know, being a teen! Because the poor grown arse man thinks that the lad is going to become a bigger, stronger, more important man than he is.

@allSixesAndEights Whatever you think the problem is doesn't matter, I was answering another poster who thought it was odd that op & her dh have separate finances.

Sorry, I misread the bipolar part first time. Ignore the last bit, as he doesn't have a diagnosis. And I need to not skimread so often.

His mistake was reacting to the muttering. It's a complete waste of time and emotional energy to rise to the bait and create a massive shitfest out of the bog standard stuff people do when pissed off.

Reacting and escalating, rather than refusing to acknowledge it just makes everything a thousand times worse at home and at school.

De-escalation techniques are vital for police, teachers and almost anywhere else, frankly. DP took all my training stuff and uses it at his work - he has zero complaints and very, very few incidents when handling unhappy clients compared to the ones who bark and get into pissing competitions.

If he thinks his is the only way to assert his authority and anything like that would be 'pandering' or would cause his cock and balls to suddenly drop off, then he's binnable material.

True authority is when the irritating stuff doesn't even even register, because he's already saying '...thank you' and moving on. If eyes get rolled and 'fuck's sake' gets muttered under the breath, it's unimportant, as they're probably already in the mindset that they're going to do as they've been told; stopping for the 'WHAT DID YOU SAY? HOW DARE YOU ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME! RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!' redirects the situation to confrontation and attack, rather than vaguely peeved but resigned compliance.

Whether he'd actually listen and look at alternative ways to manage and de-escalate confrontation or whether he's somebody who likes raging and yelling and being an utter cock is something I don't know, but you do. Seeing 'bipolar' suggests to me that you might be on a hiding to nothing, unless you could convince him that the 'superior' person manages control through controlling themselves and their reaction, though. Although if he is actually bipolar, then this could be a step too far for him/a grave insult if he's entering a manic/hypomanic phase or a common or garden aggressive prick - if so, are you sure the money is worth it?

If calling your parent a twat is par for the course in your household, you have bigger worries than the OP. Is this how you believe all children and teenagers behave? Only the specially patented ones who have their parents make excuses for everything behave in this way.

@sst1234 Christ what a reach, you must have a splendid imagination! At no point did I state anything was par for the course in our house, rather than OP's son, whilst growing up in a home where adults speak aggressively towards children, will likely escalate his own aggression in response. Having worked for a long time with often quite challenging youngsters, it's a safe bet that having a "role model" like that will not elicit great results.

It would not happen OP !

It should not happen !

It should not happen again !

I feel awfully sorry for your son

I think you need to start putting your son first. All of these excuses are rubbish. As if your son feels any better knowing his mum has to talk his step dad down. Then see his step dad try to turn his own mum on him. He's had two bad father figures now, show him it's wrong.

PS you always call him my son rather than our son. Does your partner not consider him his child after all this time and being in his life since he was only a toddler?

I would ask him whether he would be ashamed if someone outside the family heard or witnessed him shouting in this way. Chances are he knows this is unacceptable. Yes, teenagers are exceptionally difficult but he either needs to walk away and deal with the situation later or he lets you deal with it.

I never really understand the point in threads like these....anyone who is saying you should kick your DH out you defend him and people saying you should discipline DS more you say you already do and start making DH sound worse. You seem to get quite annoyed/defensive by some people’s opinions or advice..maybe AIBU wasn’t the best place for this

I'm sorry, but the OP's DH losing it this often with his DSS over backchat means that he either has no control over his temper (in which case he shouldn't be around children unless he has anger management sessions) or he hasn't lost control and is being abusive.

My DSis is a stepmum and she was primary carer for her DSS during his teen years. He gave her plenty of backchat but she managed not to lose it with him. I bet that if the OP was talking about herself and her DSS, there wouldn't have been many people referring to her DSS as a brat; she would have been the evil stepmother who resented her DSS. Typical MN double standards, I think.

A. The fact he does this sort of thing nearly every month (if I got this tight)

You got it wrong. It's "a few times a month" in OP's exact words.

*@JinglingHellsBells I have been married for 26yrs, I have a separate bank account to my dh...
@differentnameforthis
That's not the issue. I've been married far longer than you (if we are trading length of marriage) and always had my own savings, pensions, investments. I was always able to be financially independent.

The issue is that the OP thinks her husband would have no claim on their assets if they split up. That's wrong because the starting point for divorce is a 50-50 split.

And I am NOT excusing the father- I'm actually trying to look at this a bit more deeply than some of the posts.
No, he shouldn't shout but is there a family on the planet who behaves as perfect parents and never, ever loses it with their child?
Show me one, please!

My point is that the OP's marriage seems to be the issue that needs sorting because she doesn't appear to be working as a team with her H, (right down to not understanding how finances work once you are married.)

Step family relationships are never easy and stepson/ step father relationships are notoriously hard as boys start puberty. This is especially so if the the boy and mother have a really close bond which excludes the step dad.

I doubt OP is reading but my advice would be to see a professional child psychologist/ parenting expert, who can help with parenting issues and the possible ADHD.

Back on the main topic op, there are three things that make me think this is a DH problem, rather than a son problem.

A. The fact he does this sort of thing nearly every month (if I got this tight)

B. The face that his reaction to your son grumbling/back chatting a bit was pretty extreme, over the top to me. He sounds quite volatile, a bit if an angry man type. He could have dealt with it without escalating it like that.

C. That he actually went out to the garden where you were trying to do something distracting and constructive with your son and had a go at him again (!)

It's all pretty volatile, bullying, high pitched .... It just be v stressful for you - and it's not helping your son at all.

as a married couple, your husband stands to gain 50% of whatever you own as assets if you divorce?Unless you have a pre-nup (which is incredibly hard to enforce in the UK) the starting point in divorce is 50-50. So that kind of blows your theory out of the water.

Op, this struck me too when you said he won't get anything until you upgrade. Not out of the slightest criticism for you, bit out of concern.

Because when you're married I don't think it matters if he's not in the mortgage/deeds and/or doesn't make mortgage payments.

I'm in NI and we mostly adhere to UK laws/standards and I know of two women off the top of my head whose husbands contributed nothing to their houses bit were forced to pay them settlements when they divorced.

One (quite short marriage too) was able to raise the pay out to him and stay in her home I believe. The other had to sell and is now living in social housing because she couldn't afford to get back on the property ladder.

I was told by a solicitor that my husband would get at least 25% of my property equity if we divorced (bought ten years before we got married, his name is on nothing).

Maybe you should get legal advice on this (if you haven't already in case you were to split at some point).

[quote differentnameforthis]@JinglingHellsBells I have been married for 26yrs, I have a separate bank account to my dh...

There is no problem having separate finances to your spouse. In fact, it makes good financial sense for the woman.[/quote]
That's not really the problem, though. The problem for the OP is that she believes her husband has no claim on her house because he doesn't own it. Yet he very much does have a claim particularly when he's paying for things like redecorating, showing that he has invested in it himself.

The OP is deluding herself if she thinks he doesn't.