Dad to do school pick ups?

Sorry to hijack your thread…
apologies in advance for the lengthy post and potential lack of sense it makes:

I am attempting to organise a parallel parenting plan with my ex for our 4 children (10,9,8,7) he also has another child (1) with his new partner.
As part of the plan the only contact he has currently agreed to is Friday evening’s with him collecting from school, he works weekends so says he can’t have them overnight.
my fiancé offered to pick the children up from his house at 7:30pm, baring in mind I don’t drive and neither does my ex.

Ex said they needed to be collected at 6:30pm because of his babies bedtime routine, I explained that the children don’t cope with only seeing him for 3 hours so that I would not be facilitating that and picking them up at that time, but that if he chooses to bring them back to my home for 6:30pm that’s his decision.

Fast forward, after several attempts at “you will be picking them up at 6:30pm” from my ex, it has now changed to him refusing to “let the children come down and visit” if they are not collected because:
“there needs to be a plan in place that we both agree to, until then it won’t be happening”

So… am I being unreasonable here for refusing to go at 6:30pm. At this point I’m reluctant just based on his refusal to take no for an answer, and have never retracted the 7:30pm offer.

P.S we love 2.1 miles apart and he already hasn’t seen them since July ‘23 as the results of an argument between him and his partner and our 10 year old. I approached him to try and sort out contact, he didn’t so much as phone from July to when I made contact in January.

Thanks All 🖤

I will still struggle to put my foot down with him but the current situation is making life difficult for me so I shall have to be brave and do it.

I think you could say - in writing, an email preferably- that the arrangements need to change now that your DS is starting education and do you’ve been “taking advice” about usual arrangements and suggest that on his days he’s responsible for school runs and childcare if needed, and that you set up a schedule for school holidays that’s fair to both parents to allow you both to work and give your DS a good standard of living.

Put it in writing in case you need to prove in the future that you’ve offered reasonable ways to resolve it. Eventually you might need a legal agreement for contact but if you can show you’ve tried your best to arrange it that will help.

Always stay calm in communication about it, even if he provokes you and acts like a twat!

Does he pay child maintenance, OP?

I would be tempted to say if you don't pick him up, you don't see him - simple! Why on earth should you run around after him? He's being utterly crap and taking you for a ride.

What? This is bizarre. If it's his time, he does the parenting. That includes getting to/from school.

There are many couples at my daugther's school who do this - I don't know the marital situation of all, but those that I do know are separated, the Mum brings them in a certain number of days and Dad/grandma the others, same with pick-up. That's normal.

Would he expect you to drop your child off at his place to take to school after a night spent at yours? And he pick him up from school in order to deliver him to your place if it's your night?

I think you should get access arrangements formalised legally so he can't fart around like this.

It makes me sad that this attitude is still there, that everything is by default the mum’s job and that anything the dad does is ‘help’. My dad doesn’t work, his wife works full time - he still talks about how he ‘helps’ her by picking up their 10 year old from school. There’s 2 parents, both equally responsible for childcare and everything else that goes with having a kid

He should pick up his son on his nights and drop him to school (not yours) the morning after.

Tell him this will be the arranement going forwards.

I'm angry for you, OP, find your anger! Is the access court agreed?

Are there any legal rules about this or would it be a case of just trying to put my foot down? Also is it fair to expect my ex to help with child care (other than his agreed nights? During the school holidays?

You can get a contact schedule agreed by court, which makes it legal.

Once breakfast or after school club is an option don’t pay for his nights!

It's not 'help', he's his parent. He has contact, he has responsibilities.

Does he appreciate that this attitude will likely end with his son feeling unwanted by him as he gets older?

Do you already have a court order or anything of the sort? Might it be worth setting out in an email what you think would be reasonable for him to do, incl school holidays etc, and perhaps saying you may have to take steps to having this formalised if he won't agree?

If it's a day he has him then he either collects him from school or arranges a childminder or after school club.

Not your day? Not your problem.

No you are not being unreasonable to ask your child's father to help with some of the responsibilities of raising him. FFS what is wrong with some people, it's his child too. I can see why you're no longer with him!

Crazy that he drives past their school to drop them off with you in the morning. What's his reasoning?

Sounds like a control thing to me. Put your foot Down

Is he at work when school ends? Is that why he expects you to do the school run, to give him time to get home or something, or is he just lazy and sexist?

Am I being unreasonable asking his dad to collect him from school or seeing if his grandparents can

YWBU to ask his grandparents, yes. It’s your ExH’s job to make the alternative arrangements for school pick-ups on his nights with the children if he can’t manage to get himself there from five minutes away.

Tell him that if he is prepared to increase maintenance payments to cover what you lose when you don't work you'll be happy to stop working late on the days your son goes to him.

He's in the wrong. What a twat.

If he has your child on the school morning then yes he needs to take him to school unless mutually agreed otherwise of course. On the nights he has your child he is responsible for picking him up too unless mutually agreed otherwise.

My dp has 3 kids with his exw. His days he does school run and drop Off.
If he has to work he arranged and pays for before or after school club.
Just tell your ex his contact days, his responsibility

What a prick! The first time I read the OP I skimmed it and missed that you were talking about your ex's nights - I thought he was refusing to pick DS up on your nights as an occasional favour if you couldn''t make it. Even then I thought YWNBU. The actual situation is just ridiculous.

He's sitting at home, 5 minutes from the school, and expects you to leave work early to go and get his son and deliver him? That's beyond silly. As a dad I'm starting a new job in September and one of the big attractions is the flexible hours will allow me to get to two of the school pick-ups each week. I can't wait!

He should always be doing pickups and drop offs during his parenting time.

If your exDP can't do the school pick up then he shouldn't be working.