Your partner / husband isn't for conversation. This is what your friends are for. Aibu tojust find this so depressing?

Following this thread to read later x

Just warning people that complacency of the 'ooh we can talk about anything is no guard against relationship breakdown

No, but then neither is being with someone who doesn’t tick all your boxes. Relationships breakdown for all sorts of reasons, but that’s no reason to settle for someone who doesn’t give you what you want/need.

That’s one if the things I miss the most about my dear husband. We used to talk about everything under the sun. I miss him finishing my sentences and knowing what I’m talking about, when I would say something that would be random to someone else, such as me suddenly saying “I was thinking we should paint it blue” and he would know I was talking about painting a room, that we were discussing a few days before. We would share memories about things that happened to us, that would make us laugh or cry together, that would just be a story to someone else. I’m surrounded by people, that I love, but always feel lonely because he’s not here to talk to about random crap and here to tell me how proud he is because my business is doing so well. But I would rather be alone than be married to a man that wouldn’t talk with me, OP. I hope things improve for you. 💐

Thanks Margaret but I'm actually quite philosophical about it all now. Just warning people that complacency of the 'ooh we can talk about anything is no guard against relationship breakdown.

It's a mistake I learned from.

And there's a lot of men out there who don't do 'chat'. Mine is ASD and just doesn't see the point.

Bloody hell I can't imagine not being able to talk to my partner and offload about my day (and him be able to offload about his). I spend more time with him than any other adult of course I want to be able to chat with him about big and little things.

I'm really sorry that you're clearly in so much pain, zaphod. I don't think anyone's saying is that being best friends with your partner makes you immune to relationship breakdown. But what you seem to be advocating is making sure that you never have a great relationship because it may end if you do. I'd rather have what I have now knowing it may end (well, it will end, either through divorce or death) than never have it at all.

Like I said before, my XH was absolutely my best friend. The one I turned to before all others, the 'sitting up all night with a bottle of wine and then wondering where the time went' one. So when he left, I not only lost my marriage partner, half of my financial income and my rock but my best friend.

Just saying that having all those wonderful things doesn't make you proof against a break up. We used to congratulate ourselves on the fact that if anything started to go wrong with our relationship, we could talk it out. Until the day he decided he didn't want to talk to me, he'd rather talk to other people instead.

Don't mean to put a downer on other people's relationships, but being 'best friends' and able to talk means fuck all when they decide they are off. Yes, my current relationship isn't perfect (or platonic either!), but it's good for me, right now.

OP- this was my marriage. BUT, we also had issues similar to you with your ex in that we were too much like buddies and our sex life became non existent.

I’ll never forget the first date with my boyfriend. The whole night passed in a flash because conversation was constant and easy. While married, I dreamed of conversation-filled evenings around campfires, country walks, kitchen/ cooking chats and the kind of sex that only seemed to exist in the movies. I honestly have all of that now, even after the honeymoon phase has long finished! You can have it all; but of course you need to find someone who is matched to you in all those ways.

I started over at 37 because that is still young! You are too. Definitely don’t allow age to come into this. At the end of the day- are you generally happy? If not, why? Is it really about being with the wrong person? Difficult questions that take time to answer! Good luck, OP- I hope with some time and thought you find everything you want in life.

I have no idea how you can tolerate this! It sounds boring as bat shit! And a boring or unfunny man never got me into bed, let alone married! Life is long and hard, why saddle yourself with someone so dull? I've been married over 20 years and my husband is still my favourite person to talk to and have a laugh with.

A friend of mine married a man like this, and I've often wondered how they dated/got together (they're divorced now!)
I can usually make conversation with anyone from anywhere about anything (I volunteer with the elderly so have both practice and inspiration depending on the example!) and I felt exhausted just trying to talk to him.

I can't imagine being with someone you can't have a meaningful conversation with. I remember someone telling me that they never just went to the pub or for dinner with their DP or just for a walk and a chat and it blew my mind.

That said I certainly my have different types of conversations with my friends based on different interests. I also have to admit that with the pressures of young children and work etc it can be easy to just fall into only discussing day to day mundanities and your children and zoning out in front of the telly.

Zaphod
The question is not should you throw away the positives. It’s should you stay with someone who doesn’t fulfill your needs.
If he does. That’s fine.
Same for the OP.
It’s the same as mismatched sex drives. Mismatched anything. It’s not about not talking, it’s about if that’s ok with you?

Run away OP. Run. Away. There is nothing lonelier than a relationship in which you can’t talk.

I speak from experience- spent nearly 4 years with a perfectly nice, decent guy, but conversation was like blood from a stone. I had to put all the effort in as you described and it was draining.

Have been with my fiancé for 5 years. He was my friend first, then became my best friend before we ended up getting together. We talk and talk about everything under the sun and more. Friday night is our ‘dinner out’ night but more often than not we crack open a bottle of wine when we get in from work, then a few hours pass by as we sit on the sofa talking and drinking and by the time we realise the time has passed it’s too late to go out.

I’m so happy that I’m marrying my best friend. I literally wake up beaming sometimes. I’m so greateful every day. I’m telling you now- hold out for it, because when you find it, you will feel like the luckiest and happiest person alive.

I think we’re both introverts. If we have something to discuss, it’s constant, otherwise we have a glass of wine together and never stop!

different people want different things out of their relationships... as long as both parties in the relationship are on the same page about their expectations then YABU to find that depressing as im sure those people will be very happy together.

I am similar to you in that I do want my husband to be my best friend and do talk to him the most out of anyone and in a deeper closer way. Theres nothing I would not talk about with him and I prefer his company to even the closest of my female friends.... and he is the same back to me.
Im well aware however that some people would find that set up invasive and pressured and it would be their idea of a nightmare.

So I think YABU. Its up to the people in a relationship what they want from it and thats not depressing... people are all different!!

Been with my DH for 15 years. We’re best friends.

He’s the one person on the planet I talk most with. Be it important stuff or total shit.

Can’t imagine it a different way.

I have long conversations with OH all the time, about subjects we find interesting. Sometimes deep/serious, sometimes not. Same with friends - but with female friends there are subjects/jokes touched upon that no way would I discuss with OH. For womens' ears only.

OH is my friend. I can talk to him about any and everything, even tho there are some things I choose not to discuss. I'm in my 50s. It took me until I was 50 to meet the man who is my friend as well as lover - & only then did I realise how much friendship and kindness matters between a couple.

I met him 3 years after relationship with a cold, unfeeling man ended. That one would take pleasure in none or bland responses to anything I said. Showed in all ways, he wasn't my friend

Leave if you want to OP. There's life out there with someone else and I'd never have found it if I stayed with that cold fish.

By the way I'm not suggesting it's nice n easy to move on. It took me 3 years once I'd made the decision. I've never regretted it for a single moment.

Zaphod I've had plenty of platonic friendships end/platonic best friends fuck off or I fucked off. Platonic relationships aren't any more immune to break downs/ups than romantic ones.

My DP has been a far more loyal and supportive friend than any platonic friendship I've had, which is I love him.

Actually I wouldn’t, as id never have been in a relationship with him in the first place. But we’re all different 🤷🏻‍♀️

Now, do you think I should throw all those positive traits away and try to find a bloke who can hold an all night conversation?

Well for me the lack of conversation would be a deal breaker. So no, I don’t think you should throw all those positive traits away (that’s entirely your call) but I would. I’d be bored out of my brain with someone I couldn’t have a conversation with and it wouldn’t be the relationship for me.

Soy he's kind, he's loyal, he's a dog person (not as common as you'd hope), he's supportive (silently). He enjoys walking and being outdoors, he works hard, he doesn't have previous life baggage, he loves his mum, likes animals, is fair minded and gets on well with my adult kids. He's great in bed too (although outside bed there is absolutely no touching whatsoever, which I think goes hand in hand with the non-talking thing, he's ASD).

So, yeah, he's a nice guy. On paper he's amazing. But he doesn't talk. Now, do you think I should throw all those positive traits away and try to find a bloke who can hold an all night conversation?

What do you do when you've read New Scientist and there's a really interesting article that you want to discuss and he just looks at you blankly and makes a knob joke? Eventually you give up, don't you?

What attracts you to him? What do you get out of the relationship?

So are we meant to keep the menfolk for the penis', salary, chores and handyman skills then??