To think the biggest threat to my parenting is screens?

Ok that was me in 2018 when my kids were 6 and 8. Now 11 and 13. So let’s see if I stuck to what I said!
They DO play online games, specifically Minecraft. This started in covid when it was their only way of “playing” with friends.
They do play in their rooms - again, thanks to Covid and needing some time apart from each other.
We DO have a game system, a play station but actually it gets used once in a blue moon.
In general though, they’re ok - they both still have lots of hobbies (currently sitting outside a music lesson as we speak) and go outside all the time.
My younger one is much more “into” his screen than the older one and I put that down to him being introduced to it earlier, but even now, they know that if their behaviour is shitty, I restrict screens and actually they’re fine about that. They’re both actually good at realising when they’ve had enough.
So I give myself 7/10 I reckon.

doesn't matter it is 2024 this post could not be more apt as I sit here at 4.45am just having removed my son's ipad from his bed and busted him. It is so out of control. When I say I am banning it for a day I het so much abuse. Name calling, sometimes he gets aggressive. He refuses to let me take it and when I do he makes my life hell. I wouldn't care but I am
caught up in a horrific shared custody arrangement with a high conflict personality ex husband, who is partially responsible for feeding this addiction. Just like in this post, it is Roblox and fucking fortnite!

To give you an idea, we are staying in Somerset and want to go out as much as possible. He plays this game which requires you to constantly keep it active. We have had sticling things with tape to it when we go out to appear that someone has there finger on it, we have had needing to touch it to keep the game going every 20 mins while watching a movie during a sleepover, and now again busting him on it at 4.30am. I am so done with this, the screen time limits he bypasses, all the tricks and more.....it is literally ruining all if our lives .......

Too many kids have free reign online and parents just don’t care as long as they are not bothering them. Ask any teacher in primary or secondary how much trouble screens cause in schools with kids seeing inappropriate stuff, acting out violence they have seen in games or things like bullying.

wilting I'm hoping that after almost 2 years being off social sites and games that my ds can self - police. We'll see. He definitely needed the distance from it, and the perspective of me being so extreme with banning it. His school have been very supportive too.
Unfortunately his besties are on Instagram and are miserable when a boy calls them ugly or another girl calls them fat on there. Fucking teenagers.

Saying all that, dc2 who is much younger than ds, can quite happily handle screen time every day without being negatively affected. Horses for courses or whatever

Mine are teenagers. No electronics on school nights. No electronics between 10am and 4pm on a Sunday (family time - or at the very least sit and read a book or do something different).

If they want an exception to the rule (and it does occasionally happen - a friend coming over to play a game with them after school or something) then they have to negotiate it.

LavenderDays we use the screentime app for DD - she's 8 and loves her tablet and would spend all day on it and do nothing else given half a chance.

The app works really well for us - she knows her limits and seems to accept time being up far easier than if we try to remove it from her directly. You can set different limits for different days, put on a bedtime blocker so it doesn't work at all at night, and so on.

I just fail to see why I have to spend a huge amount of energy policing my 9yos screen use. The latest in our house is his getting up at 4.30AM to watch YouTube on the tv.

There's a bloody YouTube app on the tv subscription. Can I turn it off? NO. Can I block it? NO.

Fuckers.

I want my life back frankly. I do not want to be fighting with him all the time. He's a cranky child if he's on it longer than 2h. Rules are all very well, but he will not obey them unless they are absolutely policed vigilantly. I am beyond sick of it. He's not open to reasonable conversation about it.

I am personally teetering on just banning it. We've banned it for a month at a time before and he's a much happier kid without it. But it just seems so extreme. I'd really prefer he learn to self-regulate with it. I won't be able to prevent access forever.

My dd doesn't give a flying fuck in the meantime...

Should have mentioned, ds has Asperger's which might explain why he became so obsessive/addicted.

OP I genuinely think screens affect some kids badly, while other kids aren't affected at all. My eldest ds sounds like yours, his personality would change with screen time. It came to ahead when he almost got expelled (long story, but it honestly all revolved around social gaming). Since then, he has an outright ban on open world games (so, no Roblox or Minecraft etc) and no social media and youtube. We got him a Nokia brick phone for safety as he's 13 and goes to school at the other end of town.

He is much happier now, and says his mental health was totally screwed with by social gaming, which he hasn't accessed for over a year. He has a Nintendo switch, and plays non open world games on weekends only, which don't seem to be causing the same problems.

We've said we'll probably let him have a smart phone again within the next year, but he isn't even that fussed about it tbh.

The biggest threat is creating your own problems.

How good would your son have been at guitar if you gave him randomly arbitary time limits for practicing of half an hour here and there

Some kids like computer games yet some people insist on banning it or restricting it. Why?

Its their free time, let them do something they enjoy. Those saying just turn off wifi or take xbox away are just throwing their weight about against kids who cacnt do anything about it

Apparently there is an app called Screentime for controlling phone usage, I'm going to look into this later.

@ReanimatedSGB

I completely agree.

Teaching self-regulation is key for me, together with a good balance of other activities.

DD can have as long as she wants on her screens. Sometimes she doesn’t go on at all, sometimes she uses them for music or audio books, sometimes she plays games.

I think it’s important to give children the tools to deal with technology safely and reasonably.

It's because stupid people are so whiny, inconsistent, clueless and unreasonable about use of computers and phones that they have so much trouble with their DC using devices. It's a constant reinforcement of 'Whatever you enjoy is bad for you, I don't understand it but I'm going to threaten and shout at you and impose arbitrary rules because I'm bigger than you.'

Policing screen time... MN makes parenting seem such hard work!

I don't keep count to be honest, I expect them to wrap it up before dinner, and to do homework/music/sport after dinner,before they go back on. At weekends I will say at some random points "time to wrap it up" to make them walk the dog or something.

As long as they do sport/homework/have time to chat about their day and do a few chores, I am not going to police their screen time like some kind of dementor

Can I ask others HOW they police the screen time of their children?
Are you constantly clockwatching, and do you have to make sure you don't miss your cue to physically remove the device? Or have you built controls into their devices that make it auto switch off?

My two have kindles with built in parental settings that allow you to program time limits. But even then, if I make an exception to the rules on occasion it opens up the opportunity for them to binge until order is reimposed.

e.g. one evening a week I have my own activity I attend, for me. If I have no childcare alternative, the children have to come along and they sit quietly with kindles and headphones for two hours. Not ideal, but a compromise that enables me to get out once a week for myself. But this involves removing the restrictions for one evening, and inevitably I forget to reset them again immediately, so the next day the children take advantage until I impose the restrictions again.

Same with TV. We actually give up TV for Lent just to reset our expectations, but then usage creeps up again.
I find the constant policing of screens draining when I'm trying to get on with making tea or whatever.

And I'm a bit conflicted. I like the creativity that Minecraft cultivates in the children but hate the 'punch the monster in the face' violence it encourages.

I'm dismally sure I'm getting the balance all wrong.

Wasn't there some story about some girl who was so addicted to fortnite she wet herself and had to go to some kind of rehab? This article advises banning/limiting access up to 12!
m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4899218?guccounter=1

Nope, I enjoy my own company and have my own friends, engrossing hobbies etc so that I don't have to seek out my dcs company necessarily. This is about preventing my dc's schoolwork from sliding and seeking other creative outlets (which she has been doing since limits imposed) and involving herself in more rl interactions (which she has now been seeking - of a similar age to herself). Already, she appears to be becoming a more rounded individual. Screens can be addictive...they have been for my dc, I see it has supporting my dc as in any other addiction. The easy route for me would be to let her continue on the screen path...sorry but parenting isn't always easy and I am happy to make this judgement call. So, I have decided to knock screens on the head (barring a bit of TV) until I work out where and how to set the boundaries on this.

I have two boys, 9 and 13 and do the same as Raining - they are allowed to go on it after school until dinner time then no screens after. They do have clubs some days so only on it sometimes. It's limited at the weekends as we tend to do family things like watch a film together, go out, and they help at a local city farm. So I feel that is an Ok mix.

I think an additional problem is that a lot of the anti-screen parents were/are also the sort of people incapable of amusing themselves or enjoying their own company. In the past, it was the kids who loved books and stories, or playing an instrument, or drawing and painting by themselves and would do these things rather than listen to their parents wittering on about fuck all/'go and play sport' when you hated sport, who got constantly nagged and policed and threatened with the removal or destruction of what they liked, because the parents were unable to cope with a self-contained kid who didn't want to 'conform'.

conversing politely with your grandPARENTS!

(though maybe some grandparents like their screens too)

DS has an xbox but was 13 before it got it. I wouldn't get one before.

But if they don't have a games console they'll just spend all their time on their phones.

My mum and I were having a discussion at the weekend about this, she was saying that friends of hers get very upset when their grandchildren want to spend all their time playing computer games. But I suspect at that age I just wanted to stay in my room and play music and read. The issue is being anti-social, not so much what you want to do instead of conversing politely with your grandchildren.

And I wanted to read instead of doing homework.

I think social media and violent games are a problem, but I don't think screens per se are a problem - except for the idiots who think it's clever to walk along with their noses buried in their screens (not literally, you know what I mean).

I probably have a similar profession to you. I have to say I probably tie myself in knots over similar issues (an overweight 5 yo for one..) but you know full well that it's not a major issue worth this much of your time. I think your underlying fear about the other bigger issues is clouding your judgement.

My eldest dc is terrible for screen time (age 13) and I just accept it to a large degree. I don't want the fights. If she's using it to switch off from school shit going on then so be it really. We do encourage family dinner each night and shared activities 3 or 4 eves per week (often just watching TV together) . She is also quite social and involved in a reasonable amount of school activity and sport. She gets good grades and her school hours are long. She self regulates at bed time by switching off at a reasonable time for getting enough sleep.

I figure those who are highly regulated by parents will have to learn to self regulate at some point. If it was affecting her ability to do other things I'd take it more seriously.

The younger kids luckily take rules and limits more easily. Although fortnite is particularly addictive and I've learned it is fair to let them finish a round rather than insist on switching off at an exact time.

As for those saying it is like interupting a film or a football match... No it isn't! My DD plays Roblox and Minecraft or watches shitty youtube videos. She has the attention span of a gnat and flicks from Youtube viedo to youtube video never watching more than 20 seconds of any of them. Roblox is lots of little games designed to never end. You make virtual pizzas or survive natural disasters. It's not that you need to complete the puzzle or get to the end of the chapter or something. They are pointless and endless. The same with Minecraft. You build stuff, when you turn off the games in the same spot until you turn back on. There is nothing to finish. I know because I play the games DD plays so I can see what she is doing and know best how to police it.
Added to which I always give her 30 seconds to switch off herself so she put her last brick down or deliver her last pizza. I listen to her reasoning - if she can tell me she just wants to get to the end of this Natural Disaster to see if she survives I will wait the required 45 seconds.

I threaten to smash DDs tablet daily! The new rule is she can only have it in the car. It used to be a battle over dinner (I even took the TV out of the dinning room as it then became a fight over TV program choice and I am not watching YouTube videos of people playing Roblox with my curry!) It was a battle to get her ready in the morning but now it is TV only and no tablet in the morning. TV goes off 15 minutes before she needs to leave the house to allow her to concentrate on getting ready. If she can get it through the door after school she'll disappear off upstairs with it and there is an almighty row about getting it back. I now confiscate and remove it at the front door.

She has chores to do at home (put her washing in the linen basket, lay the table, clear the table after the meal) and if she doesn't do them then no computer in the car the following day.

We tried a 60 min / day rule but it seemed my whole day was filled with negotiations about how many minutes had been used. Only in the car is easy to police. That is 10 mins there and back to school each day and more on the weekend when we drive places. 10 mins there and back to her Tues swimming and Wed Beavers also.

My DD is 7, I am not looking forward to this battle when she is 15!