To really hate my house.

I had a similiar situation, i knew when we went to see it i would hate it, i only stayed for about4 years and left him and the house,
He didnt decorate or anything, i even pulled old kitchen units out,which were rotten
There were a lot of rows about it, but other things contributed to my leaving too
I had no say in the matter of moving there from a lovely bungalow
Also it was in a very quiet village ,and i had young twins,so couldnt get on one of the rare buses,hated every minute ,had to walm miles to a shop

Interesting that it's his dream house which he professes to love and yet he's neglecting it and letting it rot all around him and can't see that.

Meanwhile, you're meant to be his dream woman who he loves, and you're deeply upset and he doesn't care and doesn't want to know.

Quite a pattern there. As mumsnet wisdom would have it, you don't have a house problem, you have husband problem. He doesn't get the last word here. He's had his dream decade. Now he needs to wake up and get real. YANBU at all. Now it's time to make him realise that or else...

I don't get why he thinks it's his dream house. That doesn't make sense.

Feel for you OP Have been in similar but not so extreme situation. Make a list of what bothers you the most. From that list see if there is any solution that would be quick and or cheap to remedy it. Frank talk with husband about how it affecting you and kids with no blame on anyone. E.G Would guttering stop the mold? Would taking out smelly carpets and painting concrete floor or floorboards with white emulsion make it feel better? Is their one room that could be made nice?

Sounds horrendous as others have said why is it such a dream home? If he's achieved nothing in 10 years the situation won't change.

Tell him his options are you or the house

Can you get a loan / remortgage to get some cash to fix it? The guttering especially.

could you not get some quotes ( about 3) for all the work that needs doing and arrange a loan or mortgage extension or something to do it all in one go? i know how awful it is living somewhere you hate and its a lot of money to lay out, but once its all done it will make you feel so much better. mould needs fixing as it is a health risk and could be making you feel depressed and run down. dont have any other suggestions really - you could look into moving maybe? builders like properties they can do up and sell on sometimes.

Get a full structural survey done by someone with a FRICS qualification.

Then ask for quotes to remedy all the works that the survey shows up.

Present that total to your husband and tell him that's either the cost to get it ready to be habitable/ put on the market, or it's the minimum amount you need to reduce the price by to sell it.

Once he's confronted by stark reality, he should be able to make a decision about what is in your family's best interests.

That's not a dream house, its a nightmare. If it was that much of a dream, then he'd have done something over the last few years to have made it a better place. At the moment, unless his dream is to see you ill and miserable, you need to move on.

Even in its current state, it will have some value. Heck, even if you left him you'd get some equity out of the house and be able to rent somewhere better than that.

Leaving isn't easy. Tackling what seems an insurmountable problem isn't easy, but you can't go on living somewhere that's making you physically and mentally ill. No house is worth that.

It's a health hazard at the moment. You do need to do something, a frank conversation is needed (I know easy for me to say) and either sell, if possible and move, or remortgage, as already suggested, and have the necessary work done.

It's quite possible the years of living there are making you actually depressed. If it all seems unsurmountable, that you can't find a solution, and you are breaking down because of it.

It must be hard to find the energy to tackle anything.

I'd go the the GP, start looking for somewhere else and/or work out how much it would cost to fix stuff.

I would not be staying in a house with mould, that's a big health risk. The fact that its not improved in ten years tells that he's never going to fix it so its ultimatum time - you're moving out and he can come with you or stay in the shit house but you are not staying any longer in a house that is a risk to your health and the kids.

This is awful op, your desperation shines through your post. I live in a house which is expensive to maintain and we have put off lots of jobs because we were involved in lengthy family court proceedings which took all our cash. We are grandparent carers.

To be honest, a lot of what you describe is our house and I hated it. Worse still, we have vile neighbours in the adjoining courtyard who are appalling snobs and judged the predicament we found ourselves in through no fault of our own which made me hate it more.

We are undertaking work at present and to be honest, the more we have taken apart, the more we have found. Even removing an old bannister left 9 huge holes in the wall which we had to replaster. My dh has repainted, new skirting, architraving, resanded the floorboards and repapered upstairs. The living room will be repainted and it does make a difference just feeling cleaner. However, due to costs we have had to undertake works ourselves and hell has it been hard work. We have been here 18 years.

I felt very near to the end you describe in your post. What you need to remember is that it is half YOUR house as well. If he cannot make it clean and habitable for you, then quite simply it has to go because he cannot afford to live in and maintain the house. Ten years is a long time to live with his dream/nightmare house.

Getting rid would mean you had more money to spend enjoying yourself and a move down would mean a warmer, cleaner, affordable house where you could enjoy buying new furniture etc. Only you can decide whether you want to remain this unhappy.

I think you need to ask yourself: would someone who really loved you put you through this?

Agreed

You clearly can't afford to live there - time to sell up and move to a smaller house in a cheaper area that doesn't need doing up.

GET OUT OF THERE
The mould should be a huge indicator you need to move. If it can't be treated with a dehumidifier and mould spray to help get rid of it, you seriously need to move. It can cause so many health problems. The leaks aren't going to help either. (personal experience my goodness we shouldn't have been in that house it was a death trap)

You could always ask to see if you can find someone who will look the house over and point out any problems with it (so you have an official bit of proof).

And if all else fails, then the fact your DH is putting the house before your concerns is an indicator you need to think about it. You could be better off without him. Health should come first, as should you as his wife. Either that, or he needs to get to working on the house to make it liveable.

I agree with pickingoakum about denial. I think you need to ask yourself: would someone who really loved you put you through this? I don't care how much I thought something was a dream house, if it was making my DH cry with frustration, I'd move.

Seems poor planning to buy a wreck 10 years ago with no cash to do it up.

If you cant afford it then you can afford it so sell up and downsize

I've known people in similar situations. The worst one ever was a couple who lived in a house with no floorboards in the kitchen for twenty years. She left him eventually when she realised it was never going to change.

I reckon your DH is is denial. The problem might be that he knows the house is never going to get properly fixed up, but right now, at this moment, it's still liveable in... just. So the need to finally confront the problem can wait until tomorrow, iyswim.

And it is possibly he will think like this until the problem gets so bad, he can do nothing but face it (ie. When the roof falls in or the windows fall out), by which time it will just be too late.

I have a heckova lot of empathy for your position because I guess there's no way to get him to discuss the situation honestly and pragmatically without an almighty row. He's probably developed so many emotional and psychological defenses over the state of the house, any comment will be perceived as an attack on him and he will retaliate as though you've just tried to storm his personal Fort Knox.

The thing is that if you have black mould and no guttering, the house is dangerous to live in. It just is. There's no getting away from that. Likewise the ancient heating system, when's the last time it had a safety check?

My only suggestion about how to potentially handle this situation is to write down your concerns in a very unemotional way in a letter and give it to him, then go out until he has read it and responded in kind in writing. Take the face to face out of the communication in the first instance.

If he can't cope with that, then I am afraid you will possibly be looking at leaving the marriage.

No one should have to live in such circumstances for ten years because a partner refuses to move. It's wildly unreasonable and detrimental to the health and wellbeing of both you and your children.

Big hug. That sounds awful. Move out, with or without him. You a miserable, he gets angry and forces you to live somewhere horrid.

Why would your DH want you all to be so unhappy?

And it doesn't exactly sound like a dream house in the state it's in now

You poor thing. I think I'd be leaving to be honest if I were that unhappy

I'm guessing it's a period property? I do sympathise. I love my old house but God it's cold and draughty....is there no extra cash anywhere at all in your budget?

Is there any way of remortgaging? I was where you are but managed to borrow loans to do the house up and am now remortgaging - it is so worth it

I hated my house so much and so did the kids too but I love it now. It's so necessary to my happiness and the children all spend much more time in it too. I didn't have a brilliant credit rating due to exh but still managed to borrow enough to do it up really nicely.

I'm fed up, I'm constantly miserable because the house is always filthy, dusty and stinks. i hate it and not a week goes by where I don't break down because I'm so unhappy living here. If my husband ever catches me he gets angry and accuses me of being ungreatful

What exactly are you supposed to be grateful for?

Tell him either the house is sold and you move together to some where safe and habitable and affordable or you want your 1/2 of the money out of it and you will force him to sell and you will both go your separate ways.