To really hate my house.

I sympathise, OP, I have never liked our house either; we bought it because it's spacious and DH fell in love with the (huge) garden.

30 years on we have got it more or less into shape and it's quite admired but we've spent £££££ on it, but it's still weird odd and non-standard and impractical and difficult to keep clean and tidy.

Eg Large rooms but kitchen not big enough, different levels all over the place, steep stairs that are increasingly difficult to climb as I get older -- I could go on.

Anyway we are putting it on the market soon (yay) and downsizing as there's just the two of us here now. What I wouldn't give for an easy 2-bed new build! Sell the bloody place. I wish we'd sold ours years ago.

You don't have a house problem, you have a DH problem. You shouldn't be so miserable day after day with no end in sight. If seeing you so miserable just makes him angry with you rather than wanting to make things better for you then really, you have two choices. Suck it up and continue to be miserable every day of your life, or do something about it.

Don't give him an ultimatum if you have no intention of following through, but think very hard about what pp have said - if he really loved you, would he put you through this? So if he doesn't really love you, why should you put up with it?

OK you've given it 10 years which is long enough. If he loves you, he has to move. If he won't move, he doesn't love you enough.
Do you work OP? Could part of the problem be that you and your husband were counting on more income? If you are in a position to do so, would it be possible for you to get some work to fund a house move?

They way I see it, in the very stressful situation that you and your family are in your DH has two choices.
A: Face up to reality and stop being so selfish. Put his family's needs ahead of his own unrealistic wants. Move house. Stay married.

B: Continue to be selfish and self centred. Lose wife. Lose house through forced sale with division of assets in a divorce.

He will lose the "dream" house either way. He chooses whether to retain his marriage or not.

If you feel you are going to get a lot below market value op, you could market it initially to gauge interest and if there is little, you could consider the auction route. That would mean an exchange of contracts on the day so there is no going back - for both parties which may be important given your dh's attitude.

Sounds like he uses the house as a stick to beat you with OP!

OP - I live in the conditions you describe. We had significant money problems (after we had bought the house) so could not afford to do the works - and it is really in a dreadful state. I hate it - we live with damp and mould as well. However we have just had a windfall - so can do the works we had dreamed of - but I have lost all faith and just want to move away and start afresh.

Someone will always buy a project. Sound like it has character / potential. I would do some practical independent research by yourself and then present a few options to your DH. Research sales on line, get 3 quotes from estate agents - and look to what you could buy elsewhere.

Then maybe get a family member or friend that he respects to back you and present it too him.

He might just be over the moon that you have taken the bull by the horns and he doesnt have to eat humble pie.

This is really grinding you down - it will only get worse - even if you had the cash to do it - you also need to passion and resilience.....you have lost that - and you dont want to waste time during your children's childhoods stressing and distracted over a renovation.

I lived in a house like this.

My parents died owning property in London.

The inheritance has paid for me to engage a building company and rent a flat while they gut the place and refurbish.

What I've spent buying this shit tip, on insurance, what I've spent and will spend on materials and labour will not be recouped in any sale at any point in the future.

This is my forever home now (or a rental property for life) even though the area has gone downhill and prices have remained static.

There are property developers who will take wrecks, but your husband has a dream.

A dream which has overtaken reality, a dream that everything costs less than it does (damn you Sarah Beeny and your bargain finds) and he's looking at the money he's already spent on the wreck; including all the money on quick fixes, trips to Homebase (expensive compared to Screwfix) and he's dreaming of the money it will be worth "once it's done up".

He needs a strong dose of reality.

An honest valuation, a safety check and environmental health check - something.

Surely a developer/builder would buy it, even if they knock it down and rebuild? Have you ever had it valued?

Assuming a home improvement loan/mortgage extension is unaffordable, I think your DH needs a wake up call in the form of an ultimatum - house gets done up or sold, or you and kids move out. It's been 10 years - how much longer are you actually prepared to live like this?

I think taking agency is really important, but it's not always as simple as doing a small amount at a time. When properties fall into a certain state of disrepair, all kinds of specialist treatments/major works are needed to put it right - and they can be expensive. I had to pay for dry rot treatment and sorting out just a corner of a small house was £2k. Cosmetic renovation is quite different to the full-on structural work the OP's post seems to suggest the house needs.

When I first moved into my place I had to shower at work

From a practical standpoint. Your going to get well under market value if your house is in such a state, add stamp duty and other fees and would have enough to fund the works on this house. Get the house valued to see where you stand.
I suggest you need to fix the guttering ASAP as this is causing the damp problems and will damage the whole fabric of the house. The weather is good at the moment so it should not take too long for it to dry out.

Once it's dried out, focus on one room at a time.
I know it looks like a huge task and the fact that its depressing you don't help.
Are you at all practical?
It costs very little to hire a wallpaper stripper (if in the past the wallpaper has been painted over then score it with a Stanley knife so the steam can get underneath).
You can then paint the bare plaster walls to keep the cost down.
Rip up the carpet, if you cant stand it. It sounds like an older house so you maybe able to sand the floor boards and varnish them, then add a rug. if you can use a lawn mower you can manage a floor sander, be aware it makes a lot of dust (bare floors won't pick up the smell of dog like a carpet).
There is so much 'how to' info on the net nowadays, wish it was there when I did my first house renovation.
Good luck.

Why can't you stat doing small thinks at a time? If there's dampness, find the route cause and fix it. It can't be more than guttering or poor ventilation in a bathroom. If it's something outside then a drain is leakin or something like that, and that should be fixed as a matter of priority (stick it on the mortgage to make it cheaper).

After that walls full of mould should be replaced, but it's not as expensive as you'd think. Ripping all the walls down in a room and putting plasterboard back up isn't a big deal. If you then get it skimmed you only need to paint, no worries about wallpaper.

Bathrooms and kitchen maybe need a bit more work, but can be done to look lovely on a budget. Look at IKEA for good kitchens. And if there's a smell of dogs, get rid of them. With children at least you can open the windows. If he windows are a problem, it is a hit, but again borrowing cheap and you could stick them onto the mortgage. It sounds like if it's that bad you wouldn't benefit from selling and moving anyway. Doing small things at a time will make a difference

Your husband is a selfish arse. I'd honestly move out, even if it was to a caravan. This must be taking a huge toll on your health and MH. Mould can be really bad for you. I love my house and love being in it. I can't even begin to imagine how unhappy I'd be having to live in a falling down house that I hated. Actually I can, we rented a god awful flat when DS was a baby. Nightmare landlord and so many problems with the flat that were covered up. I was in bits and ended up with bad PND. Then we moved to another 'nice' flat which had been done up. For a reason. To cover the godawful damp problem it had. I was in bits wondering what effect the mould was having on my baby and so unhappy. Didn't help my PND which just got worse. Please don't underestimate how negative an affect living somewhere you hate has on you.

Don't just assume the house is unsellable. The land that it's on will have value, and even the most dilapidated place can be ripped down and a new Grand Designs house put up! Find out what your options are - speak to an estate agent or a land agent on your own if need be - and work out where you sit financially.

Even if you are out of pocket, there may be other legal and financial measures you can take.

Please don't quit before you've even worked out what your options really are.

I have a feeling your husband gets so cross with you because he knows he made a mistake buying the house in the first place and if he were to say to you lets move or top up the morgage and get it sorted would mean he has to admit to this.
A lot of men cannot admit to making mistakes. Sigh.

A lady I know left her husband because she couldnt stand the house any more - very similar to yours. She discussed the house with him, he was never going to sell so she ended up leaving with the kids and going into a private rental. She is was so much happier day to day but devastated it had come to this.

After 3 months her husband actually put the house up for sale and moved in with her as he realised it wasn't worth their marriage. She just told me that she couldn't live in original house any more and she couldn't stay even if it meant divorce.

No normal person would expect another to live like this.

Ask him if he would buy it now in the state that it's in. No? Well then why should you live in it?

I couldn't live in a house that made me so unhappy. So we'd either sell up move, or I'd leave and it gets sold either way. Decision time.

I was in a similar situation although not as bad.

Our house was small, but needed loads done. The plaster falling off the walls, stink of mould etc. I couldn't have people around by my now STBXH couldn't see the problem.

Fortunately he moved out and I saved up/ borrowed some money to get work done so that it wasn't damp any more, and the plaster was sorted. It was like living in a different house and it was great to be able to have friends over, and be warm and all sorts of other normal stuff.

If there is no prospect of the work being done though, you really need to get out. Houses always sell. You might lose money on it (though I doubt it after 10 years), but it might be better for your sanity to live somewhere smaller or rent somewhere.

If your DH can't see that do you think you could move out without him?

yeah, the problem is not the house...it's your DH

My DH does no house maintenance, so I present him with cost/budget of getting things fixed (all houses need effort and money spent just on the upkeep) and he never vetoes anything (is always glad I take charge)

It is tiresome to be fully responsible for house upkeep by myself, but otherwise DH would slowly let the house rot away.

I have also had to explain to DH that money spent, is not money gone as it increases (or at least maintains) the value of the house.

Right now we need to replace rotting conservatory (built by the previous owner ...out of softwood (wtf...so my bi-anual painting job made no difference))).

Every few years the window frames need paining. Gutters cleaning, woodwork (outside wall wood clad) treated every 5 years etc etc.

Not doing anything for 10 years means there must be an enormous backlog of stuff to do/replace.

Would it still be worthwhile to get started improving it bit by bit? Together? If that is out of the question, I would look into leaving ...

If it's his dream home it must have some potential and therefore be sellable to someone who will have the money to renovate it.

I would give him an ultimatum - you or the house. He can't refuse to sell if a court order as part of a divorce demands it.

His dream has turned into your nightmare. He's had his way for 10 years, now it's your turn.

Don't for gods sake chuck any money at it. It's a complete waste because you still will never be happy in a shit hole that makes you depressed. No house is unsalable, if only for the ground it stands on. Ok, you might be upside down on the mortgage, but that's his problem now.

I'm a great believer in working at things, and not quitting at the first hurdle, but honestly? You've done your time. Black mould is unhealthy for your kids and you. Put them, and yourself first and move out.

Separate, sort out HB, find a rental and work on getting your life back together. He can stay in his precious dream house and contemplate his future.

Why exactly did he want it?

Sorry to hear you're so down - it must be really tough as when the problem is your home you have nowhere that is a 'sanctuary'.

Does your DH actually enjoy living there? From what you've said I can't believe he's happy with the situation. Agree with others that you should write a list of the work that needs doing, get quotes, and either use them to shock him into action or for the basis of a remortgage if that's at all possible.

one of the most important things you have to do if you are married to a man is confront him with the stuff he would rather pretend was not happening - not jump into the delusion with him and play along.

For whatever reason the house has not worked out. He needs to be a grown up, admit he has done sod all DIY and has not developed it as he intended, and move.

"getting cross" or "getting upset" about it when you raise it is bullsh1t. The house is a real physical problem and it needs a real physical solution, not a big phoney who tries to make his family pretend everything is OK.