To really hate my house.

Your husband is going to love that house into the ground, and it's going to take your marriage with it as it crumbles around you.

He needs to wake up to the fact that he - that you both - are not the owners who can make that house what he wants it to be. And he needs to realise that marriages too fall to ruins over time when you neglect them and fail to maintain them with the investment and effort they require.

You've got no gutters ? That's a fucking basic requirment of a house in theis country. It will exacerbate any mould you have.

Surely after 10 years there must be some way of getting some money to do the basics ?

Is it in quite a desirable area, good schools/ close to transport/nice things around you etc?

I think one thing that needs considering is whether you'd want to live in the house if it was completely renovated, Fedup.

Say you won the lottery next week, you'd be looking at a good six months to a year to get everything sorted. So that's another twelve months of living in chaos.

Then imagine the house is perfect. Imagine being there and living in it. Are you happy? Or could it be that there is now just too much baggage for you to ever feel happy and at home in the property? Locations where you've experienced incredible upset or stress can often leave a residue, I find, that never quite goes away.

I mention this because this happened to my aunt and uncle, who bought a very old farmhouse that was structurally sound but needed huge amounts of internal modernisation. Once the work was done, they found themselves in a home that didn't work for our modern ways of living and they didn't actually like living in it. There was always a very strange air about the place, and their daughter hated it. So after all that, they rented it out and moved somewhere very modern with a space that worked for their lives.

Like a pp said, I think you might need to tackle the presence of a sunk cost fallacy about the property. It's not just about money and time, but the psychological and emotional cost you have incurred over the last ten years.

OP so sorry you feel as you do, nobody should feel like this within their own home.

Let's be practical:

No one would want to buy it in its current sate. It's totally unsellable also with the market the way it is.

-What positives are there in sale terms?
-Is the location a selling point? E.g distance to train stations, town centres etc?
-Is it in a good or covetable school catchment area/close to any places of interest?

-If yes to any of the above, you could perhaps work towards putting it up for sale in its current condition as a "Project property" to somebody who does have the financial wherewithal?

• Contact a couple of local developers and get them to provide you with potential purchase prices?

It is clear you and your children need to go.

Talk to your DH and explain it is time to downsize as a family of for you and the children to rent in the short-term for the sake of your marriage and sanity?

Sounds really sad. I take it you can't afford to do it up at all then. You can do things relatively cheaply and gradually but it doesn't sound that after 10 years anything will change.

I would press to move to be honest. It will sell if you put it on for the right price and then you will be able to buy something in better condition even if it is a bit smaller.

We bought a house that needed work 7 years ago it is only just nearly done due to the cost and time as we did a lot too (my husband is also extremely motivated- he was the one that talked me into buying it). The house is relatively small though (3 bed) - sounds like yours is large. We still need to do external things like replace roof tiles, sort out drive and patio and fences. We bought it in the state it was in due to the position and price, though I think we would have saved in the long run buying a more expensive house!

I reckon try and sell it, if nothing else it will give your dh the impetus to sort out some of the easier/ cheaper fixes so even if it doesn't sell it will be a nicer environment to live in

I took on a house like yours, did it up and sold it on. It was a small, mid terraced 3 bed. It had to be damproofed, rewired, replumbed, replacement windows, internal and external doors, new ceilings, flooring/floors, roof and plastering then new kitchen and bathroom.

Trust me, someone would be interested in your house.

Even if you do have the cash renovating the place that you're living in can be very stressful, i can afford to pay people to decorate, install new bathroom kitchen etc but I put it off because in just hate having people working in my place, having to get up early etc

TEN YEARS?

TEN FUCKING YEARS?

Sorry for shouting, but

TEN FUCKING YEARS?!!!!!!!!

I woulda hotfooted it out after 10 months in a shithole that I was unhappy in.

Your husband sounds like a dick OP.

Come on, you know this can't continue. I would say he has a month to get this shithole on the market, or you are leaving him. And taking the kids. (Seriously, the conditions you describe can NOT be good for their health!)

Seriously, 10 years? I have seen entire housing estates (100 homes or so,) built within a year in some towns. Maybe all generic, and only just above average quality, but still!

As some people have said, what has he been DOING for 10 years?

Get rid of the house and let someone buy it who has the motivation and money to do it up. Even if it means taking a financial hit. I agree with the posters who have said someone will buy it. Some people are crazy about doing up properties that are utter shit-tips. And they don't even care if they only break even, as it's just a hobby for them. Have you not seen 'homes under the hammer?'

Tell him you want to put it up for sale at an auction. Trust me, it will sell.

My FIL refuses to maintain his house and I consider it controlling and abusive towards MIL. He too gets angry if she complains

I'd never entirely appreciated that my H's behaviour was just another example of him being abusive until about 5 minutes ago after I posted. I mean, I knew it was bad, and he's an arse, but reading all these posts with people tell the OP she hould leave him/the house, and thinking how my H has ignored the no heating/carpeting thing for 5 years and left me to sort it out ...

Some very sobering stories on this thread😐

You have tolerated this for long enough, your house is a health hazzard. Your husband is a selfish git.😡 It's high time you started to consider yourself OP, you cannot go on like this, would you consider giving him an ultimatum ? Maybe that might push him into addressing the issue, worth a try.
Also, Whilst you wouldn't achieve the best price for your house, in its current state, I can assure you, someone would come along and buy it.
Tell your DH, that his dream house has the potential of fast becoming a money pit, and the beginnings of his worst nightmare.
I lived in a similar set up, a long time ago, a thoroughly miserable time, mould is dangerous, don't under estimate it.
I'm so cross on your behalf.😡💐☕️🍰

Loving the people suggesting ripping walls down and Ikea kitchens to do it up on a budget.

THE OP HASNT GOT THE CASH!

Like PickingOakum says, the only successful people in these projects are those with loads of money or trades people with an army of mates rates friends in other building related trades.

Even Sarah Beeney's dream mansion in Yorkshire was a money pit and a nightmare restoration by her own admission.

All houses will sell if they are cheap enough, I think it is ultimatum time for your blinkered DH. I hope you can walk away with some equity and start again.

He is essentially forcing his family to live in a dump. You are miserable and suffering. I doubt the children are thrilled about it either.

My FIL refuses to maintain his house and I consider it controlling and abusive towards MIL. He too gets angry if she complains.

I'm guessing your marriage isn't exactly happy either. You don't have to put up with this.

OP is it because your Dh doesn't want to work on it, or you can't afford it, will he/you not employ tradesmen? Did you both have a plan when you moved in?

I can understand this I think - we moved here nearly 25 years ago when we had (some) money and lots of energy. We began a haphazard programme of doing up, but its an expensive house, the proverbial "money pit", one disaster after another - many engineered by DH; (small example: we had a plumber fit the wrong boiler but DH was "scared" so he paid him cash on the day, 8 years later we still struggle to run a bath.)

The kids came along, it began to be clear that they noticed other peoples houses were nicer. We ran out of energy and money, DH refused to do any work on the house said that I should be able to pay workmen to come in, it wasn't his job or his problem. We ended up with no carpets or heating upstairs, water running down the windows, black mould in bedrooms etc. My DCs actually told me they were too ashamed of the bathroom to have people round. And now, so am I.

Last year we did come into some money and only now are we getting work done. First thing we did was replace all the radiators and get the double glazing done (again it had already been done once ). Next the damp, getting the rendering sealed and redecorating. Even when all this has been done (by trades) we will still have works outstanding.

The thing that got me is DH would always rather lie in bed than do anything about it; initially I struggled on alone, but he'd never say to me "Ok lets get up Saturday morning and get some paint" or "lets clean out the cupboards" etc., so I got more and more depressed (over lots of things) and now I even struggle to put the vacuum round. We are due to have our bedroom done in a few weeks but I had to chose some cheap flooring and it hit me that now in my 50s I will NEVER have the lovely decor etc that we dreamed about 30 years ago

Does any of that echo with your situation OP?

Oh my god, I meant in 'her' view not ours.

I was in a v similar situation for years - it only ended when we got divorced and I moved out. Ex H eventually had to sell up and bought another smaller do-er upper - which he still hasn't done anything to. I now live in a normal house

leaving should read living

Are you my neighbour?

They moved in about 15 years ago to the house I'd grown up in. It was in need of a lot of work - rewiring, repainting outside, replacing window frames etc. They started off with lots of enthusiasm which stalled after about 18 months. Husband has since built a new double garage and always has projects on the go, but the house has just got worse and worse. It's huge and it takes a lot just to keep it clean. I think they've given up on that.

If I had the money I'd make them an offer on it in a heartbeat (I wish we'd never sold it). But it's just an expensive place to live, even if it weren't in its current state. It's not going to get any easier and neither is yours, OP.

Your husband needs to hear some home truths and soon, before it's too late.

I agree with the posts about selling the house, this house will never be finished and it is not healthy to live with mould and rot, I hope you haven't any asthmatic children? With any child leaving like this is not good for them, that should both yours and dh priority so a cornerstone for your choice to move on.

In the meantime, invite your friends over in the summer so that they do not need to see the house, make sure everything is in the garden - toys etc. Your real friends will not care less about your house and its condition, they will just want to spend time with you. If you are really bothered, just mow the lawn, put some flowers in tubs and spend the time there. Kids will love it if you build a den, parents will love anything involving pimms and your company. Don't let your house hold you back.

You could also invest in a tipi or similar and can even invite people over in the middle of winter with a warm fire. Everyone loves being outside. My friend has done this all year round as she lives in a rented house and it is totally run down (in my view not ours) and we are just grateful for the invites!

Fedup

No one would want to buy it in its current sate. It's totally unsellable also with the market the way it is.

Do not despair. There is always someone who will buy a house in a state (I know someone who bought a "house" with no roof four years ago). At the end of the day, the land it is built on is worth a fair amount, purely because it carries planning permission for a house.

Blankface is right. A full structural survey would give you the lay of the land here. And you are going to need to don your Boudicca breast plate because with no guttering (which will require scaffolding to install), mould and rotten windows, it is going to be thousands upon thousands just to fix the bones of the house before you do anything else. But I guess you already know that deep down.

I hope, for your sake, it's not listed. If it is, in financial position you've suggested in your op, I suspect your only option would be to sell asap. I've known renovations of listed homes send wealthy people to bankruptcy.

To be honest, Fedup, I don't think this situation could have gone any other way, so don't blame yourself. You were destined to be eaten by the old house renovation monster as soon as you bought the property. As I mentioned in my previous post, because of where I grew up and live, I've known a lot of people eaten up by this devilish creature.

The only people I've ever known who have survived a similar project with their soul and marriage intact have been a) very disciplined tradesmen with a lot of cash, a lot of contacts and a tight project schedule, b) very wealthy people with a heckova of cash and a tight project schedule, or c) bespoke property developers. And by tight project schedule, we are talking about six months from start to finish.

Ime, once projects go over this kind of time frame, or you live in the property, you end up in a kind of entropic situation that requires a massive injection of energy to reverse (like a huge inheritance landing in your lap or a huge emotional shock such as a partner leaving). After ten years, I suspect you are stuck in this renovation entropy, and it's just not going to change without a massive jolt to your DH's system.

It is worth recognising that you have faced the situation by writing your post here, and I think you should give yourself a pat on the back for that alone ... because it takes courage to be honest about a shit situation like this. It is the first step to sorting it all out and moving forward. You must give yourself credit for that.

The daft thing is that, unless the house is a mansion, fascia and guttering are a cheap fix. As are jobs like making sure that windows and doors are properly sealed and painted, if necessary, floorboards are sound etc.

As well as the electrics and mould, the heating system is a concern. Get a carbon monoxide detector, if you don't have one.

All of these little £££ and ££ jobs need doing with a house bought in good condition, too. Even new builds! If he's not willing to do those things, then I sympathize with you because buying a wreck was a stupid move.

Your husband is selfish. It's not his dream home - who could enjoy living in a house like that? He just doesn't want to admit he's wrong.

Get a valuation done without him knowing.
Also investigate benefits/maintenance that you would be entitled to.
Then you have a realistic idea of what your financial situation would be if you split up and sold the house.

Perhaps get a builder round and get estimated costs of renovating it to a standard you would be happy with.

Make a decision from a position of knowledge then present DH with your ultimatum. You have to be prepared to follow through though or else he will sense the weakness and continue blustering.

Do you actually want to be in this marriage? If the house was ok would you have a respectful, happy marriage?