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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable not wanting MIL to stay for five nights

51 replies

PetitFilou1 · 27/02/2007 16:00

She comes on her own as FIL and MIL are divorced. She doesn't help except do a bit of washing up and iron and generally just is THERE invading our privacy and creating work. She doesn't change nappies, bath the children, help with cooking or play with the children except reading to them. The worst thing is she stays on days when we are both going to work - it is a nightmare in the mornings getting the children to nursery and getting ourselves out of the door as it is and she just gets in the way. She has just retired and I feel we have to nip this staying forever thing in the bud now. I don't have anything in common with her, she isn't a bad person but I just don't want her around this much. Help?

OP posts:
Libra · 27/02/2007 16:42

I can sympathise, five nights can seem an age when you don't get on with your MIL. Mine arrives on Thursday for five nights. Any shorter is simply not possible because she is coming from overseas. On the positive side, yours sounds young and active and does want to be involved with the children. Get her ironing, etc.
I am afraid mine is 86 and not as active. In fact, her insurance company refuse to cover her when she travels but she still insists on coming. I am in dread that she falls ill here (she has recently been in hospital) or falls and breaks something. Will spend tomorrow removing all obstacles from the floor!
Can you try and plan things to keep everyone busy and involved? On Saturday we are going to a local amateur production of The Gondoliers. Not exactly my thing but will be an 'activity'. May be good, may be not, but will keep us all quiet and together for a few hours and may give us something to talk about afterwards.
I have to say that I keep strong by collecting the really annoying things she says and does. She and DH do not get on too well - she hates men generally - but she does get on with the boys so far and it is good that she wants to be with them.
Sorry, this turned into a post about the visit I am dreading rather than the visit you are dreading. Maybe we can support each other through!

charlieq · 27/02/2007 16:30

I have an MIL from hell so know how stressful it can be and I don't actually think you're being unreasonable.

Yes she should be able to see her son and grandkids but perhaps she could have them at her place while you go elsewhere? Or visit for shorter periods?

sunnysideup · 27/02/2007 16:29

Time to be assertive Petit. If you resent her not helping (though washing up, Ironing and reading to the grandchildren sounds great to me!) then tell her what you would like her to do.

Better still, get your DH to tell her.

Original poster
PetitFilou1 · 27/02/2007 16:29

Sorry that should be 'anyone who has more than two children is selfish'

OP posts:
Lazycow · 27/02/2007 16:29

How often does she come to stay?

Five nights is quite a lot (You know what they say - visitors are a bit like fish - both start to go off after about 3 days)

Could she come for 3 nights at a time but a bit more frequently?

JustJAMtart · 27/02/2007 16:28

Yes you are...Some of my DH's family do my head in, but I grin and bear it. Because it's not about me, It's about DD and surrounding her with as much loving extended family as possible.

Original poster
PetitFilou1 · 27/02/2007 16:27

Sorry but as far as I'm concerned if you show up for five nights, you help in our house or at least show some interest in actually playing with the children. Not just give your opinions when they aren't wanted like for instance 'anyone who has more than three children is selfish' and that type of thing when I said we might have another one. She also complains that we don't have dinner until 8pm and says 'I can't possibly eat that late' well, tough you're in our house! Cassoulet you have put it exactly as I feel.
Beckybrastraps don't mind her coming, just not for this long. She isn't exactly lonely, she has loads of friends, male and female and has just been to India for two weeks.
I don't expect help but I do hope for some - not with the housework particularly as I don't really need it but I'd like her to play with the children a bit.

OP posts:
DizzyBint · 27/02/2007 16:21

yes i think you are being unreasonable. she's your husband's mother, your children's grandmother and she wants to spend some time with you all.

yes it can be difficult with guests, they do 'get in the way' of normal day to day running of things. so give her things to do maybe? would she like to help make dinner? would she like to read a bed time story? maybe she feels in the way so doesn't want to intrude on you by suggesting she does things herself. maybe she's the sort of person that waits to be asked.

give her a break, she's just retired and is probably very excited at having free time to be able spend with her family.

Caligula · 27/02/2007 16:20

Yes you are.

She's probably too scared to offer to help out more in case she over-steps the mark. So many DIL's take an offer of help as implicit criticism, that a MIL can't do anything right.

She's part of your family. How often does she see her DS and grandchildren?

beckybrastraps · 27/02/2007 16:16

She is your husband's mother. Presumably she loves to see him.

I wonder how you would feel if the wife/husband of one of your children said they didn't want you around much and wnated to nip your visits, to see your child, in the bud?

Don't get me wrong, I dread my MIL coming to stay. We cordially loathe each other. But as the mother of my husband and the grandmother of my children, she is welcome.

And I have a lot more sympathy with her since having had children myself.

doormat · 27/02/2007 16:12

grumpy no hence the name LOL

massagemum · 27/02/2007 16:12

oops sorry duplicate message!!!

massagemum · 27/02/2007 16:11

I think that mil should want to spend some quality time with their grandkids.

my mum wouldn't come and do nothing she would want to help in any way she could.

Also if she is staying for a while then you are feeding her and in return she shouldn't mind helping with the kids etc.

massagemum · 27/02/2007 16:11

I think that mil should want to spend some quality time with their grandkids.

my mum wouldn't come and do nothing she would want to help in any way she could.

Also if she is staying for a while then you are feeding her and in return she shouldn't mind helping with the kids etc.

beckybrastraps · 27/02/2007 16:10

Yes, you are.

GrumpyOldHorsewoman · 27/02/2007 16:09

Was that a pun, doormat?

Cassoulet · 27/02/2007 16:09

Oh for heaven's sake. You don't have to be a MIL to be a pain as a guest. Many many times I've stayed with friends/relatives who have to be out all day either at uni or work. They don't have to ask me to do anything, but it is pretty clear whether they need a bit of a hand or not. I don't go to be a skivvy, but I didn't see any problem in being helpful to busy people I was staying with. If all I was doing was sitting around all day then I should go to a hotel. The fact that I'm not, means I give back to the people I'm with. If she doesn't ask how to help you should bloody well tell her.

doormat · 27/02/2007 16:08

i think this is really sad as i am a mil and i would help out if i could but i would hope that i would not be EXPECTED to
or feel like I get under their feet

oranges · 27/02/2007 16:07

good god, is an old woman not allowed to visit her children unless she turns into a cleaner or a nanny?

FioFio · 27/02/2007 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Cassoulet · 27/02/2007 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

shonaspurtle · 27/02/2007 16:03

Oh the bliss of someone doing my ironing.

Sorry, don't know what to suggest. How does your dh feel about it?

doormat · 27/02/2007 16:03

she doesnt come to stay to be a skivvy

what can she come if she does everything?????

massagemum · 27/02/2007 16:02

I get really frustrated being around my in-laws for any great length of time - hence the decision of going on holiday with them last year being a bad one!!

ivelostmyboobsboohoo · 27/02/2007 16:01

we dont have the same MIL do we? all she ever bloody does is read to them how flippin boring plus shes unhelpful like yours. personally i would rather saw off my arm than have my MIL to stay even for one night. tis as much as i can bear to spend the day with them