WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

'err, why would you bother with him when you have your fingers'. That to me, is very odd coming from a young teen....

I would be telling my dh that I have to believe the teen until all this is sorted. Yes, he will be angry, but any man in this day & age should know the importance of getting to the bottom of an allegation like this.

As others said, the police will have specialized offices who will be able to get to the bottom of this.

Sorry, cross posted

Good luck.

IAmNotAMindReader I agree.

From her comments and attitude to/discomfort with sexuality, does sounds a enough of a likelihood that she is being groomed/abused to warrant it being properly investigated.

The person doing the grooming/abusing could be inside or outside the family (accusations against family could be "safer" for her).

Abusers do target vulnerable people e.g. troubled teens and those with MH issues precisely because they are less credible, less likely to be believed.

So I think you have to proceed on the basis that something is wrong somewhere, support her, get her help.

I wouldn't get too caught up in details like who the accused is, or whether you felt her head on your legs. As you were asleep your time lines could be fuzzy, and no, I don't think you would have necessarily woken up if someone other than your relative was close. I just mean those things aren't strong enough to make a decision either way, they aren't proof or disproof. Look at the big picture and get her some help.

We know a 12 year old who claimed multiple rape against family member. Lots of detail, and Police called in immediately. Turned out to have been completely fabricated (contradictory medical evidence followed by confession).

SS were still all over the family and have remained so, because the making of such damaging accusations in itself indicated very dysfunctional situation. Accusation itself did indeed blow a hole in family that couldn't be bridged (no smoke without fire beliefs in some corners, and the accused ultimately unable to properly forgive the girl and move on), but what's done is done and any other course of action than that followed by family in getting straight onto the police would have been unthinkable. In your case, as in the one i know about, the bomb has already gone off and the damage is done. Pretending it hasn't isnt really feasible.

In light of what I've seen myself, and from what you've said, i think OH should himself call police and report. Child needs additional help one way or the other. I feel very sorry for you indeed, especially if this is your sister or similar, because you can't avoid the fallout if it is true OR if it is false, which makes you one of the two victims in this.

If you don't report and she goes on to make a more severe claim in future that involves the police she may well mention to them these two previous 'incidents'. It will get very ugly when poice start asking why they/CAHMS/SS were not consulted previously.

I'd say a frank discussion with her parents is the first thing needed. Don't be afraid to tell them you have doubts about her story given her past. I would. Tell them that something has to be done to resolve this situation. If she's under CAMHS, is she seeing a counselor or specialist that might be able to talk to or question her about this 'incident'?

I'd also consider speaking to a solicitor. It's unfair to your partner to have these types of allegations hanging over his head. Perhaps a solicitor might know how to proceed.

There's nothing wrong with believing your partner over her at this point. You know him, you know his history. You know whether or not you believe he might do this. Given your scenario, I'd believe my DH 100% until I was shown convincing evidence otherwise.

Could she have found out about your experience or could it be it is actually happening to her too.

Obviously you're clouded because its your oh that is being accused, however if any child came to me and said they had been assaulted I would react the same regardless of previous lies or fabrication of stories. You say it would be different if it were your own child but this girl is a child herself and needs the adults in her life to help.. And what exactly is a problem child? Most likely her problems are caused by the adults in her life

Hmm it could possibly be your teen family member has been or is being sexually groomed or it could be she is attention seeking for some other reason. Honestly if your ds had told you he had been inappropriately touched what would you do?

I know for me I would believe my child first and then access the appropriate help to get answers...

Agree with mind reader. She needs some kind of help, this behaviour is unusual for her age and is a cry for help.
The police don't need to "get to the bottom of it" it's just that going through the process of police interviews etc sometimes leads to an admission of guilt (perpertrator or lying victim) and I would think it could trigger a CP meeting with camhs and school involved so all agencies are working together.

Given that her story is changing and escalating as time goes on and you know she was on the couch with her head on you so therefore neither in a bed nor up all night probably means in this instance nothing happened. However given her extreme reaction to 2 male family members could mean something has happened to her at another point and these over reactions and stories could be her trying to process it. Involve the police and explain your doubts it could lead them to uncover what's really going on with her.

A false allegation does ruin lives. A relative of mine was falsely accused by a step child in their mid teens because she wanted rid afer bring told she wasn't allowed to a party. She had previously had extreme reactions to being told no. She destroyed the house and beat up and nearly hospitalised her pregnant mother on more than one occasion. The police investigated at his insistence and she confessed she'd made it up after a chat with some friends. Social services took no chances and he wasn't allowed back in the family home for 18 months while they did their own investigation. It was found she had mental health issues and was offered piss poor counselling. When he was cleared he moved home but the relationship had suffered irreparable damage and they split. All because a 14 year old didn't like being told they couldn't go somewhere. The girl now in her 20s had to be removed from the family home a couple of years later as she became a danger to her younger siblings. So there were mental health issues with her that authorities ignored until she cited non existent abuse.
She is crying out for help with her fantasies so the level of care she currently receives has not yet got to the root of her problems and she is struggling more.

You don't think that's an odd thing for a 13 year old to say to others cleaty?? Really???

13 year olds say things today in front of their parents that I would never have said.

Why is it odd to say why would you bother with him when you have your fingers. She is obviously saying she does not know why any woman would want to have sex with that particular man.

And the girls who are sexually abused are often the girls that no one will believe. Abusers are clever, they pick out those girls on purpose.

Saying to the school she is a carer is attention seeking behaviour.
Saying an Uncle was pervy is totally different. As girls I am sure many of us experienced behaviour from adult males that sounds innocent when you explain it, but just felt very wrong.

I would believe her. Why would she lie about this after all? Ring the police and report it.

It's awful op, as the teen with mental health probs is both most likely to be lying and also person who an abuser would target.
You have your doubts about parts of her story, but at the end of the day you don't know for sure if he kissed her hand and touched her brastrap. If he did, it probably just about qualifies as sexual assault, whether that was his intention, or not.
Out of interest, was the other uncle who she accused of being pervy a blood relative or by marriage? I'm not saying "lightening can't strike twice" but she seemed to overreact to one male relative, now this second incident has happened.

I think you should say to your oh that for HIS sake they should call the police. If he is innocent there will be a clear investigation of the facts and there won't be any deciding who is telling the truth going on by family members.
If the poor girl has been assaulted by your oh she needs support and love. Even moody lying teenagers get assaulted and should be given the same support as if she had never told a lie.

how old is teen? There is a big difference between 13 and 18 and it could be that she can call the local safeguarding team for support herself if she is older and confident enough. Otherwise her parents should definitely report to the police.

Sadly abusers are nearly always someone who is loved and trusted by others.

the time for brushing under the carpet is long gone.

One of my school friends commented that my uncle had touched him inappropriately. My mother laughed it off. Until my sister said he had done the same to her.

Nobody knows how many other embarrassed comments might have been laughed off or ignored.
It's never "just the once."

Either way, a proper investigation will be better than a lifetime of suspicion and doubt.