WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

My DH is a Police Officer and I was reading this thread to him last night and he was very concerned about how some posters had made it sound like the Police Officers that were involved within the case would be able to say without doubt what had happened.For that to happen there has to be some kind of physical evidence and or a witness to back up either of the accounts.

if the child keeps changing the details of her story,that really undermines her credibility.

I think you're doing the right thing OP. If your OH did nothing he needs to cover his own backside on this. Going to the police is the best plan just in case this girl decides to do it herself.

FWIW, it sounds like she is incredibly troubled and in need of some intense support. As difficult as it will be if she is proved to be lying, as much as they can your family need to support her. I would wager it is a good idea that NO non-parental family member, male or female, is left alone with her for the time being though.

If an allegation of a crime had been made against me and I knew I was innocent, I would be mightily pissed off if the accuser said they don't want the police involved. Yes, it is an awful situation, one in which the absolute truth may never come to light, and I really feel for you. But if she accused him, she can't now ignored this fact and expect everything to go back to normal, unfortunately.

OP not all teenagers that make false accusations have been groomed or sexually abused.I know that for a fact,I went to school with a girl that did exactly that and as an adult I've worked with teens that have done the same and it went as far as the courts before the truth was found out.

I agree that no one that is involved with the child unless it's the person she's seeing at Camhs should ask her any more questions.

I do think though it would be a good idea for her parents to get an emergency appointment today if they can for they're daughter to go to Camhs right away.

There's a hell of alot of presumptions being made about the Police on here,of course they will investigate straight away,but they are all only human all they have to go on is what your young family member has said verses what your partner has said.

My DH is a Police Officer and I was reading this thread to him last night and he was very concerned about how some posters had made it sound like the Police Officers that were involved within the case would be able to say without doubt what had happened.For that to happen there has to be some kind of physical evidence and or a witness to back up either of the accounts.

I'm not saying any of this lightly(before anyone jumps down my throat)I was actually raped and more than once from a much younger age than your relative,but I have also seen the damage that's been caused when someone is falsely accused.

Your OH must contact a solicitor and ask for advice; he is also registering the accusation so there can be no later accusation of a cover-up.

Can the family contact the teenager's therapist, who is working with her and there for support?
She is clearly troubled, and a danger to herself and to others at present.

Please, take legal advice before you do anything.

What lulu said.

It will look as though you/the family were covering up.

Her account sounds inconsistent but it's important to involve the proper authorities so that her allegation can be investigated and no one can be accused of covering it up. This could potentially clear your partner.

It's hard to know what to think in this situation because a troubled child with a history of lying might be making it up but on the other hand abusers sometimes target children like that, knowing that they won't be believed. Sometimes children who make false allegations are in fact being abused, just not by the person they accused. They want to tell someone what has happened to them but are too afraid to name the real abuser. Or they are traumatised by past abuse so mistake normal affection for advances. She needs help.

Regarding the fingers comment. It is not something my 13 year olds would have said but both are immature for their ages and one has SN. Some of their friends same age are wayy more sexually interested and i can imagine this being said by them. So that comment alone wouldn't worry me.

What sort of parent wouldn't involve the police if their daughter had made an allegation of abuse?

I really think OH should go to police - waiting until CAHMS next meet with the teen does not reflect well on anyone, it's basically saying that no one believes the teen, it wasn't important, she's mentally unwell.
Actions have consequences - either the teen or your OH need to understand that so police involvement is necessary.

Believe her. At least for now. Contact the police and be as gentle as you can with her.

From what you have said I would be 90% sure she is lying but you need to go to the police.1) because it is a very serious allegation and 2) because your OH needs to have his name cleared if he is innocent.
They will soon trip her up if she is lying

Sorry xpost.

How about involving cahms instead. It's probably in everyone's interests if this is documented somewhere. Is she still saying he did it or has she said she was mistaken?

What an awful, awful situation.

I think you have to call the police too.

I think you should contact the police now- before CAMHS do. It will look bad if the police come to you and you knew about it but had not reported it. They will question why you did not do so. If you report it, you want it sorted out.

CAHMS will contact the police and SS straight away, as counsellors have an obligation/ duty of care to do so. They say this at the beginning of the session, that everything they hear will be confidential UNLESS there is a safeguarding issue, in which they believe someone is or is likely to be being harmed in some way.

I am of the opinion that if your o/h doesnt have anything to hide, then he wont mind phoning the police himself and telling them what hes been accused of. He is angry, of course, but if innocent, he will most likely be shitting himself with worry too. the longer its not reported, the more odd it looks....also it would be better if he does it first so he can get advice and start the ball rolling into (hopefully) getting this sorted out one way or another.

The police have people trained to deal with this in the most appropriate way, for BOTH parties....they will take into account others information too (such as yours, her parents etc)

good luck o/p

Going to say you know the people involved most...so really hard to say WWYD
No matter what the girl needs help...I think I would wait for the therapist next week....there won't be any 'evidence' as such so the delay won't make any difference. And may spare a lot of upheaval and heartbreak. If she has made it up (for whatever reason) and without realising the consequences and implications and then it goes too far down the line she will find it harder to back track.

I will say that we had someone locally accused of abusing two sisters, similar things to what you describe so no concrete medical evidence. They were a relative but not by blood. The older one had been abused from age 7 to 12-13. They had told but were a 'troubled' child, a liar and weren't believed. Nor was it discussed openly in the family. The younger one was then targeted from age 7...took a few years to tell and when they did they were believed because what was happening to them was identical to what the older one had said. The man was convicted. However his wife - their distant blood relative - stood by his side, even after the conviction and said the older one was a liar with all kinds of issues and had convinced the younger one to back up her lies . I had neighbours who knew them telling me it wasn't true...it was such a shame for him.
I think it is true - but there is still the seed of doubt.

It's very difficult.
A few years ago FIL was accused of inappropriate touching by a teenage family member. This girl has mild SN and unfortunately WAS groomed by a local group, luckily it came to light before anything too serious happened.
However, after this the girl made a number of accusations against several people over a period of years - several of the alleged incident could not possibly have happened, for example a very old family friend called round to speak to her mum and when the mum wasn't in left. He was later accused of forcing his way into the house and assaulting the girl but what she didn't realise is that his wife was waiting in the car and saw him not go in

. I told DH at this point that he was NOT to be alone with the girl just in case false allegations followed ( later discovered another family member had told her DH the same). When fil was accused it caused a massive family rift as the girls mother believed her, and to be honest I completely understand her position and while I didn't come out and say I did or didn't believe the allegations I tried to be supportive of everyone concerned. Fil does have a bit of a reputation for letchery but for looking not touching, I know this is unacceptable and I DO pull him up on it if it happens in front of me

I have to admit that there is a small part of me that is slightly suspicious now of fil and now my own DD approaches the age the girl was when she mad these allegations I am slightly wary of him and do tend to watch how he interacts with my DD in a way I wouldn't with other male family members. I told Dh how I felt and he admitted that he does too.
The problem is that whatever did or didn't happen Op you will always have your doubts about your OH now and counselling may be appropriate later.

I think also that your partner needs to be heard and listened to.

OP, can I ask about her CAMHS referral and when that was made?

You said she's only been having problems for a few months, since the death of a family member, and hence the CAMHS involvement, but don't CAMHS have a massive waiting list due to being hugely under resourced? Not doubting your story, but curious about what seems an extremely swift access to CAMHS and wondering whether in fact there could be more to the situation than you are aware of?

I know a teenage girl who is only now accessing CAMHS support six months after a referral and she was exhibiting extreme and concerning behaviours, SS involvement etc.

Goblin is right, the current trend is to assume the guilt of the suspect, reporting it to the police could easily end with the op partner being charged.

I would nt put too much faith in the police, I know lawyers who are very critical of the police including specialist officers, they say police enquiries are often of poor quality.

I think it's naive to assume the police will conduct a thorough investigation, and find out what the girl's motivation is, it's more likely they will jump to a conclusion and do the bare minimum.

Surely before calling the police it would be better for someone to speak to her and ask her exactly what happened?

She's telling someone it was on the sofa and he reached for her bra strap through her top and another that it was in a bed and he pulled her top up? The inconsistencies in those stories are pretty big.

You asked WWYD op. If the girl was close to me then I would try and help with any MH issues. But I would believe Dh 100% in the same circumstance and me calling the police or thinking about Dh moving out or contact centres for visits with the dc wouldn't even be in my mind tbh.