WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

dolly its common to not remember details well

Listen to the accuser. My stepdad abused me and my mum refused to talk about it when I told her, then he abused my DD.

but cleaty OP doesn't make it clear if anyone doubted her - she told her mum one thing but told her dad something completely different - none of that tells me she was doubted.

OP also says she woke several times because the girl was sleeping on her - the OPs DP was in his bedroom and not on the sofa - if he was on the sofa I think OP would have felt him as it would be pretty impossible for 3 adults to be on a sofa together without 1 one them noticing.

absolutely none of it rings true.

The harsh truth is many adults do not believe children when they disclose sexual abuse. This thread is simply an example of that.

I have young adult friends who have relatives who still don't believe the sexual abuse they disclosed as children. Because everyone wants to believe that it is monsters who sexually abuse children, instead of men who you like, who seem like good guys, and that you may love.

I am totally stunned that the majority of responses are of disbelief

My initial stance would be to believe the girl

But on top of that, the details do sound believable. It doesn't sound like a teen fantasy

The details may not be true, it doesn't mean though that the child is lying when she says this man sexually abused me.

I would contact the Police for advice. They will know if he's ever been accused of anything similar previously.

If you change your story,then both versions CANNOT be correct, so you are by definition lying

Yes when children are doubted they do backtrack and change their story. The harsh truth is this what most children face who disclose abuse. There are always adults who do not believe them, especially those adults who love the adult accused of sexual abuse.

What a terrible situation.
If the girl is telling the truth, she needs to be believed.
And if the dp is innocent, then the damage will be irreparable.
How can this turn out well?

going I was stunned by the fact that everyone has all but condemned the girl to being a liar, empathising with the partner when for all OP or anyone knows he very well could be grooming her. No wonder children don't often speak out about sexual abuse. If I was that girl (and I have been before) and everyone implied that I was lying, I would backtrack, stumble over my words and try to go back to the norm as well. I would be 100% behind the girl if it was my own DP accused.

sounds more like some kind of plea for help from teenager. I don't believe your DH done anything to her given her lack of consistency in her story and the fact you didn't feel her move. with no consistency or evidence she wont be believed by police either however it will cause a shadow of doubt on your DH which doesn't seem to be warranted. be prepared for it to rip your family to pieces.

I only hope that the posters spouting such terrible advice on this thread - to basically do nothing - have never been a victim or had a relative be a victim of sexual assault. Doing nothing helps one person only. The abuser.

Everyone thinks when a child talks about being sexually abused that they will be believed. We know from adults who talk about being sexually abused as children that time and time again the reality is that they are disbelieved. Most don't want to believe that a man they know, like and maybe love, could do that. So they look for reasons to label the child a liar, or to say they are mistaken.

I think this is maybe a troubled teen making a cry for help.

Very difficult, because yes vulnerable teens are both a bigger target, and more likely to fib/exaggerate.

Poor you OP.

ive been where you are and its not pretty the police can not say for sure if he is guilty or not unless it goes to court when social services get involved the worst thing you can do is defend your partner i did and nearly lost my kids because of it even now the accuser has claimed she made it up (ok massive backstory but its too long and personal so im glossing over) it made no difference to them they said children never lie about this sort of thing and i was putting my children at risk by standing by the truth (she claimed something happened in our house when he was 20 miles away from her with me in labour under the watchful eyes of shit loads of hospital staff and she was in another house under the care of two adults) this was me being in denial apparently

after twelve months i got a phone call suddenly stating they were dropping it totally no more child protection nothing BUT i cannot have anything to do with my ex husband on a personal level ever again (now it just happens i wanted out of the marriage due to EA anyway so that is fine) he is now allowed unsupervised access to our children he has not been risk assessed (he was supposed to be before they allowed him unsupervised access) and im now told i have to make all child care arrangements with him and sort out contact with him after 18 months of being told to have nothing to do with him and no way should i try and be amicable with him etc etc they have done a total 360 on everything and the cynical part of me is wondering are they doing this to see if i will get back with him and they can take my kids apparently everyone agreed they can be taken off the plan which is strange as the school were adamant they would not agree to this until a substantial time had passed im going to spend the rest of my life on edge because of this

i hope things go better for you

If the police will not proceed to charge your DH I would regard it as there being insufficient evidence and there was a big question mark over the 'victim's' truthfulness.
That might not be correct , but as the ' woman in the street' that would be my personal interpretation.

If ypu go to the police the investigation could take months, maybe a year and social services will be involved.

Social services will almost certainly stop your partner having unsupervised access to your son while the investigation proceeds.

It is also important to know the police won't declare your partner innocent and clear his name. The best outcome will be the police or cps saying they will take no further action, which is not the same thing.

It's really bad, and stupid, advice to ask the girl again what happened. That's not anyone's job but the police. It means nothing that she has aid something slightly different.

Lots of good advice here already, good luck OP.

I must say, if someone accused me of sexual abuse i'd be straight down to the police station myself. Like a bloody rocket!

I'm not sure what I'd do - the fact that the story changes gets all the time makes me query it, but as you say if you don't investigate you will never know and it will be eating away forever.

Have you been to the police yet OP? What a fucking shit end to Christmas for you :(

That's exactly it Dolly,it can be very hard for a crime or innocence to be proved ordinarily without the "victim" changing what they say happened and where.

It depends how the child is being asked. And abusers commonly choose children to abuse who won't be believed.