WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

This thread makes me sick.

Having been abused three times, yep three. I can tell you first hand how much damage your middle class hand wringing does as you try and throw as much mud as possible at the victim to disprove her story.

A child has made a complaint of a sexual assault. Call the police. It's not for you to make the burden of proof, it's not for you to discuss her mental health or sexual history (don't worry the prosecution barrister will rip that to shreds) and it's not for you to define sexual assult.

It is our job as adults to protect children, stop abuse and believe the victim first and foremost.

Anyone who does any different is abuse enabler. Get off the fucking philosophical fence and do the right thing. FULL STOP

My DP was falsely accused of a sex offence a few years ago. It wasn't rape or sexual abuse, but he was arrested, charged and went to court and he was found not guilty.

He was arrested while we were in the house having dinner after work and I was utterly shocked. I told the police right from the start that it was rubbish and he would never have done it, but they pretty much laughed at me. I never once doubted him - it basically went against everything DP is as a person and everything I know about him. He was released on bail the next day and was hysterical because he thought everyone would believe no smoke without fire. I was also physically attacked while in the local supermarket by one of the accusers but the police refused to investigate it and told me that it was only what I should expect.

The time leading up to the trial was horrendous. DP was suicidal, afraid to go out, convinced that no-one believed him. The police were a fucking disgrace and I will never trust them again because they did everything they could to tip the case against him, including withholding statements from people who showed that he wasn't at X place at X time. Fortunately for DP, the accusers were a bunch of utter scum who failed to turn up at court and very obviously lied through their fucking teeth once they got there. The judge even told the police their case was laughably prejudiced and their negligence was appalling.

DP still hasn't got over it. He gets anxious being outside the house other than for work and has trouble sleeping.

Sorry for the long story, OP. I guess I just wanted to highlight that if you involve the police, you need to be aware that they may be less than objective, and there is not always truth behind every accusation.

Cross Post!

No one is saying that the girl can't refuse a hug.

Your post was suggesting that all men who hug teenage girls are perverts though, which is ridiculous.

And therein lies the problem. How can this be proven either way? From what we are told, there is no evidence to prove or disprove anything.

The comments about ubles hugging were, I suspect in response to your comment that men take the opportunity to hug tee age girls and the inference e that there is a problem with this in general.

Did you not read that the girl did not want to be hugged?
It's not about YOU!
At any age if we do not want to be hugged , no one has the right to do so.
It's a choice who you decide to beleive.
Until proven otherwise , this girl is the victim.

Absolutely with maryz there.

use clare's law run a background check on him i know you trust him but people slip through the cracks and you wouldnt believe what some social workers deem acceptable risks everyone is entitled to use clare's law to find out if their partner has had an arrest/conviction etc previously and are a risk to children

its the only advice i can give you

Yes, uncles often hug their nieces, whatever age they are. My uncle always hugs me and my dad always hugged his nieces. Nothing to get excited about.

sounds like men take the opportunity to hug teenage girls.

I certainly would not contact the police.

From what you say I don't think it was assault - in the presence of his partner? It does not ring true.

Once you involve the police there is no going back. Think of your own child - he loses his father - do a it more to establish the truth first.

I feel very sorry for your OH OP - his life is ruined whichever way this goes.

It sounds as if the girl is vulnerable, damaged, prone to making things up or misunderstanding situations.

And as for uncles - a hug is the most normal thing in the world. I visited my brother on Boxing Day and my OH hugged his 18 yr old niece and my DBr hugged my 18 yr old DD - totally what families do.

I have only read the first page and the very sensible post above.

OP if a teenager alleged my husband had done this. There would be no doubt in my mind that the teenager was lying. I have known my DH for 28 years and trust him totally. My doubts and concerns would relate entirely to the teenage girl because I know my dh is not capable of such a thing.

Why do you feel you need to doubt your partner?

Should the family not raise this in the first instance with the camhs team? Why was the girl sleeping in your lap and not in a bedroom, leaving you sleeping alone with your partner?

I agree that the girls language and behaviour are overtly sexual and not age appropriate and that there are unusual features about her story .

This may be related to her MH problems.

This may or may not mean that she is being abused or groomed by someone.

That person may or may not be the person she has accused .

It may mean she is sexually active with someone of her own age . She may be accessing pornography online .

I know this is an unpaletable fact but sometimes people tell lies about being sexually assaulted. Usually abusers lie about assaulting their victims .

It's very unlikely that anyone is going to post here and say " oh I made up stories like this when I was a teen, I accused my teacher and he lost his job /married / kids / killed himself but I was very mixed up " .

People who have been falsely accused of sexual abuse are also not going to post here ,because they have learned to never tell anyone , because " there is no smoke without fire " .

Equally Its unlikely that abusers will post here and tell about when they abused kids .

So the only people we are going to hear from is all the women who were abused and it wasn't taken seriously . Which is completely wrong and a tragedy which can scar their whole lives. I believe every one of you . It should not have happened and it was not your fault .

But it doesn't take away from the fact that false allegations destroy people's lives .

Agree with everyone else that this is a dreadful situation and you have my utmost sympathy OP.

I just want to say re the 13 year old girl's 'finger' comments - this is not a normal thing to say!

I have had three teenagers of that age myself and have known countless numbers of their friends. I don't live in an Enid Blyton novel and my kids have been known to hurl around the F bomb etc at that age, but never have I heard such a sexual comment, especially not said in front of adults!

we teach our small cc that they can say no to hugs and kisses from granny etc , so there is a break in logic that an uncle can hold a teenagers body close to his and tell her she is pretty - in the presence of mother may seem to make it ok to the mother , but not to the teenager who did not want this. She has mh problems makes her all the more vulnerable to assaults. She needs to be validated and her perceptions taken seriously and police need to be involved.Op, you sound like you intend to do the right thing for this young girl - please follow thru.

I could be alone in this but I don't think she's telling the truth and involving police and social services is probably not the best idea.

I was sexually assaulted (as an adult) by a very close friend on three different occasions. It took it escalating to the third time before I could confront what had happened and even then I couldn't speak about it for days. I certainly wasn't ringing around telling people. A friends daughter was badly sexually abused by her step father and again, it took years for her to come forward. I don't think that would have happened and then the girl immediately rings her father to tell him, I just don't.

She sounds very disturbed and an attention seeker and like she needs careful handling and counselling. I agree that her changing her story is suspicious and her overtly sexual comment is very, very strange, as is the fact that she's copied OPs story.

OP - if you trust your partner then stick with that for the moment. I suspect you would know in your gut if he was capable of/responsible for this.

Agree with Samantha.
'Nothing to fear' ? Dream on. The reality is more of a nightmare than you can possibly imagine.

The police will not say that she lied , if that is indeed the case in this situation . They will merely say they are not taking things further . As will SS.

And I don't think the OPs partner is being manipulative when he says that this will change all their lives. He is being totally factual .

Regardless of whether or not he is innocent or guilty , this will probably destroy their relationship / marriage, and severely damage their own child . Depending on what his job is, he may lose that too .

Posters saying " oh just contact the police and they will sort it out and if he's innocent he's got nothing to fear " have got no idea what they are talking about .

At first I thought this was very much like my own situation, except it was more than hand kissing etc. I wasn't believed by the man's partner (who was my ex step mum but I still had a good relationship with her), he gave a load of cock and bull and she chose to believe him because I clammed up and refused to talk. But I wasn't a liar or a fantasist and didn't go around making stuff up. I also had a couple of previous incidents that were true and I was believed but this one I wasn't. It has been hugely damaging and has affected my life in a big way. I feel quite resentful about the impact it's had but I still can't talk about it in RL.

However, what this girl is saying doesn't add up and I wouldn't automatically believe her but I also wouldn't discount it. The fact that she is coming out with an identical experience to yours just after she had found out would make me question her if I'm honest. I can't comment on your DP as my abuser was very convincing (I know I am believed now and have had a brief drunken conversation with my ex step mum and she told me he was very convincing at the time) but I wouldn't be happy that he is angry and saying it will never be the same for him as you didn't immediately side with him, I'd be quite angry at that tbh. It sounds like emotional blackmail.

It's such a tough situation so I do feel for you. I honestly think your DP has probably not done anything wrong but there is something going on with the sorts of things she is coming out with. I'd say it's not normal at all. But then one of my cousins is a compulsive liar and can stand and lie very convincingly about anything but she is almost always talking bullshit, she was the same at a young age too so some children are like this and are attention seeking.

You can always asked for this to moved to a certain place that is less prominent on here?

Had a similar situation in extended family. The girl did have mental health problems and now in her 30's has a personality disorder and has made many false accusations over the years about all sorts of things.
In her case she claimed her adopted father had raped her, police were instantly involved and investigated she had lied! All ok now! (The reason they adopted rather than naturally had children was due to an unfortunate accident the girl did not know about, but he was incapable of rape and her description and the reality of the anatomy was very different 😂). Probably rare that a case can be that simple but I advice you strongly to get the police in. they deal with this sort of thing a lot and if it is a mental health problem CAMS can be kept in the loop and if abuse did take place it's best to deal with it as you know. Get the professionals in so no accusations of her being ignored can ever be made and doubt is removed. Also lots of people back down in presence of police if lying!

And anger as a response is highly suspect