WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

Wow. Some deep thoughts gone into this. I'm really glad we all take it seriously.
MotherPie
How do you feel now? Lots of comments for you to consider or of course ignore....
I should declare personal experience in this area. As a mum you instinctively know when they are telling the truth. Hard enough if your child(ren) are the victims, but I guess it must be even tougher if it's your child who is the perpetrator.
And yes, Beaufortbelle , I think the quietness speaks volumes.

'nowhere did i read that she stated she did not want to be hugged before she was hugged' Nice one Marys.
Just read that Bill Cosby has been charged in court with sexual assault just before the deadline. In his statement he says similar= she didn't say she did not want my hands in her genitals so i continued. And that was a grown woman who did not have mh issues. Of course he had drugged her.
This girl was asleep ,then wakened when she realised that she was being touched . Not being fully awake when a sexual assault happens wd be confusing for me . YOU?
I'm getting an unwanted and unpleasant insight into all the girls who told what uncle/daddy/stepdad/brother/cousin/family friend/--- did to them and were not beleived by their mother.

If a partner or parent can't trust someone who is falsely accused then you can't expect a jury to.

Indeed. I'm sure the partner of many a convicted person thought the same.

"I know my partner would not and could not and would never think of doing such a thing"

It's great to know we can close down all the courts because all suspects are innocent. Think of the taxpayer's money we will save.

you're not supposed to repeatedly question the child they will change their story if they are badgered leave it to the experts

But, Debsmum, how does "always believe the child" work when the child herself is telling totally inconsistent stories and those stories aren't compatible with the evidence of independent third parties?

I've been thinking and thinking about this thread and my honest response, had a teen accused my dh of this and one with a track record for telling lies to boot, would have been to wring the little so and so's neck and make it crystal clear to her parents that their relationship with my family from that moment on was over and that their focus should be on sorting out their child's mental health issues and related behaviour. The reason being that I know my partner would not and could not and would never think of doing such a thing and I would totally and utterly stand by him and support him and stick up for him in the event of any such malicious accusations.

The concern vis a vis the OP is that she does not feel she can do this and therefore there must be a doubt in her mind about her partner's conduct and capabilities.

No I did not say presume guilt. I said assume the child is likely to be telling the truth. Don't dismiss them. Listen to them. Not the same. The court jury will decide guilt. The police will decide arrest. And the CPS will decide whether to charge.
It's the family/adult who decides belief.

Debs

So, in all circumstances, you presume guilt, no questions asked?

Always believe the child. It is likely the perpetrator has been 'grooming' everyone in order to get away with it. You may have been 'groomed'to believe him over her. He prob would have said or more likely 'implied' to victim that she won't be believed. Any doubt when she initially comes forward will screw her unfit a long time. And worse still, if it is true (& 97% of the time it is!) he could move on to another victim. I would phone Childline and ask them for advice. It can be done anonymously.

well the parents of the child dont appear to have come on MN for advice. so there is no conversation.
OP hasnt come back, again no conversation necessary.

I found CS believed every word a child said. They did with me. Believed every word ds2 said, until ds1 pointed out this was impossible, because ds2 was at grandma's at the time.

Read MN over the years - Reception teachers will tell you that some children claim their dad is superman/Thor/works at Buckingham palace.

But no. As far as CS as concerned, no child ever lied. They are gullible as anything. Gullible to the point of stupidity.

The damage done is frightening.

Yes, but their job as professionals is to find out if there is a basis to the accusations and go from there. Bit silly to say you would always believe the accused is guilty without taking into account the circumstances of the situation. As Maryz said in this specific situation it could end up doing more harm than good.

the police take that view childrens services take that view they all believe the child is telling the truth "kids dont lie about that"

Shortcut, someone did say that on the last page

jess yes, that would be naive. However, no one on these thread has suggested that

Some posters are very naive to assume that ALL accusations of sexual abuse are true

OP how are things now?

so looking long term if nothing really comes of the allegation op's son won't lose his dad he (like mine) will still be allowed contact with his dad supervised at first then unsupervised that's worst case really even if he is guilty you're still allowed to see your kids its very rare for kids to be stopped contact with their parent full stop usually if he is convicted of a crime against a girl and he has sons he can still see them if its a girl they are a little more careful but it seems to be area dependant so i can only tell you the norm for my area 100 miles away different set of social workers different scenario there is no hard and fast rule

I'm sorry if this was unclear through lack of punctuation (I'm on my phone ).

"I am not saying that this shouldn't be reported BTW. I am simply responding to the posters who say

• The police will sort it out quickly and easily and declare him innocent if he is

• If he's innocent he has nothing to fear, there will be no consequences
• She must be telling the truth because I was

And those who have implied that the welfare of the OP and her child don't matter"

So I agree with you abbs.

The police will sort it out quickly and easily and declare him innocent if he is

people please stop saying this its such bullshit unless there is incontrovertible evidence and even if there is a serious belief he is innocent they are only ever told there is not enough evidence to proceed never declared innocent

stealing and abuse are really not comparable

SS will expect you to safeguard your child which will include stopping access till a risk assessment is done and a background check minimally they then might be given supervised access op might be able to supervise it herself as it is not her child that is involved or another family member

the police might still drop the case if it does not meet the threshold for court you will then be in limbo you may just be given advice by ss and allowed to move on if however you have been complicit in covering up a serious allegation they will take it to conference and wish safeguards to be put in place to protect your child

up to you im talking from experience recent experience