WWYD if your partner was accused of sexual abuse?

@Jand1812

you will get better responses under your own thread rather than a comment on someone else’s. What a difficult situation for you.

my first step would be to contact the police and ask for them to discuss your partners situation and get an independent word on it.

I have a new partner who after spending less than a week together told me he had to tell me something that had been a big story in his life and was in that moment coming to an end, he told me that his brothers partner had accused him of sexually abusing their daughter of 3 years old. He was with the girl at his mothers home and his mother was a
direct witness that nothing happened.
He went through a court process and the girl was tested physically and the police took all his devices, he was not convicted and proven not guilty.
When he told me i was shocked but felt full trust in what he was saying and full safety, he was on frequent phonecalls with family members in tearful celebration that the case had been officially closed, he has continued to show me in his words and actions that he is a trustworthy and loving partner with no reason to doubt it.

A recent conversation with a close friend made me very uncomfortable, on
hearing this about him, her opinion is that i can never really trust him because its not something he can ever really prove and should end things immediately.
And that this red flag is too dangerous.

I trust my gut and what i feel and witness in this guy, but i take seriously the opinion of my lifelong friend. I feel her opinion comes from fear of the worst case senario of course and i really felt the fear too, like how can i ever be sure 100% that he is safe.
But truly, how can i be sure anyone is ever 100% safe? Surely we
listen to instincts and signals?

I just found that naturally, i felt very safe and trusting of his story. I believe it, but my friends words have made me question if i am being un-wise as a
mother letting this person with this story into our lives.

some report abuse and retract it afterwards due to how the family is treated by the authorities only to find out this is the start of the problems

either way the trust between the op and her husband has been breached because anyone who says they would not think twice after their partner has been accused is kidding themselves surely? unless it goes to court and they are proved innocent beyond doubt you will always have that doubt in your mind always give them a second look over innocent things it can kill a relationship

Either the girl is lying or telling the truth. You can't have it both ways.
A lot of historical abuse carried out by celebrities and politicians that is coming to light, happened to children with mental health problems, or a history of behavioural problems, or had been involved in criminal activities. Many reported the abuse, but were not believed.

No, Elendon, I didn't. You need to reread my posts

HTH 👍🏼

And yet Jessica, you presume that those who don't see your point of view are not, quote reasonable people end quote.

No one has said they don't believe the girl in the OP. Just that the OP needn't feel that she has to automatically presume her DP is guilty.

That's not the same as saying 'of course the girl is lying, she has MH issues, you must disregard what she's saying and only listen to your DP'

Regardless the OP has said she will try and get to the bottom of it.

there's nothing 'stupid' about choosing to be on the side of a child who says s/he has been abused. And it is a choice , as every jury knows it is making a choice in any trial , as every day in our lives we make choices re who to beleive. In this posting the op has made a choice that i agree with , to stand with this girl. It is because she is vulnerable that she is more likely to become a victim . Stats are over 90% of the claims of abuse and rape are based on truth. Check this out for yourselves. Predators choose the weakest and most likely not to speak up and /or not to be beleived. I am learning more now as to why victims hesitate to accuse and are afraid they will not be beleived .

Some posters here have a very naive view of police. They're not clairvoyants and they don't have Truth Serum.

based on information given by OP, the accuser has serious problems which need addressing. Also OP's H is right, foundations of their relationship is now seriously damaged. Good luck OP, what a difficult situation which needs careful managing.

Trusting someone because you love them, when they have been accused of something, is very naive.

I'm not reading any of the comments as I'm a survivor of sexual abuse and know there will be some stupid comments that will upset me.

OP, phone the Lucy Faithfull Foundation. They will give you good, helpful, confidential advice about this - whatever this actually is - and are probably the only organisation able to do so.

Trust issue is a different one from the automatic presumption of either guilt or innocence.

I trust my DP to do some things - but not to do others. The trust depends on your relationship. However posters who have said that trust can be misplaced or breached are right - sometimes we all get it wrong.

Essentially you have to look at the evidence.

This must be hell for this family at the moment. The OP, her partner, the girl and her parents. What a mess.

I most certainly do not view every man as a potential abuser, please do not twist my post like that.

I disagree Elendon, of course I trust my DH, and that's not being naive. It is wrong and dangerous to view every man as a potential abuser. I think that's a worrying approach to life.

For all those posters who say they trust their partners 100%, I think that is a naive approach to life. It is rare to falsely accused. Despite this child's mental health issues, this accusation should not be swept under the carpet. Often it is vulnerable children who are abused.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-30273548

Myles Bradbury was trusted 'implicitly', his wife did not suspect and had a child with him. Parents trusted him. Only vulnerable children knew. He had bought a DVD from Canada and despite the authorities there alerting their counterparts in the UK, the warning was ignored.

Laguna I don't think Armarmai understands that basic premise so there's likely no point in any of us reasonable people trying to explain any further to her.

It is just as dangerous to assume that all accusations made are true as presuming they are false.

The situations - as far as we know are different. As Maryz explained.

It is beyond stupid - and very dangerous to always assume guilt/innocence without any evidence. Especially when the consequences can be so devastating. The right thing to do is to find out what happened.

One day you might find yourself accused. I hope that you never, ever allow yourself to be alone with a child.

An old university friend of mine, very talented musically and openly gay ran a junior choir. He had had a Cathedral choir education himself and loved to nurture true singing talent. But you can imagine how vulnerable he felt.

On advice he ALWAYS refused to help boys with extra lessons - although many mothers asked and asked. He ALWAYS came into the rehearsal room after all the boys were assembled and NEVER left the room until all the boys had been collected by their mothers. He insisted that at least two parents were present in the rehearsal rooms for "child protection reasons" at all times. It was tightly organised and he never had a problem but he knew what could happen if an accusation were made.

when you're caught you resort to personal attacks. Sorry for the people who work with you.

the sits are amazing similar. In one she asserts that it was assault and in the other she casts doubt. BTW i worked with abused teens for eight years- I am not lacking in experience. As i said -it's a choice who to beleive and my choice goes to the female.
The mother being housebound def wd make the d feel like a carer and wd put her in a very vulnerable sit= which is exactly what pervs go for, like predators picking off the weak in the herd. If the mother needs the uncle to help out, she may minimise and deny what her d is feeling. The relative who was on the couch, was sleeping under the influence of medication and cd not have been aware of what her p was or was not doing to the girl.The d has a right to say no at any point where her body is concerned - as i have read many times on MN. When M puts words in my mouth and then attacks me for what she says i said, that's called setting up a straw dog. I have quoted her words and shown how contradictory she is .

amarmai -Maryz did not contradict herself - they are completely different situations.

Maryz has experience of troubled teens - as do others on the thread. What she says is valid. None of us knows the truth. The OP hasn't been back. A general discussion of the issues is interesting as it seems to be more and more relevant these days.

You are so projecting here ,M, that you are completely contradicting yourself in a previous very similar thread.
I quote you from a previous thread where pps were doubting if an assault had taken place. You were adamant that indeed it was an assault.
You posted an imaginary scenario 'my female dp has confessed to me--that when extremely drunk at her male mate's house-she came to& her friend ---was touching her. We wd all be certain it was assault. Even if she said it wasn't, we wd all know it was. Because she had not consciously consented."
The similarities are striking yet now you are furiously saying the opposite.
And the 'were you there ?' is so irrelevant, as none of us were there except for the poster , who is going to report.If you are picked for a jury ,you cd try that to get off maybe.