Why does my husband chose to spend his only day off at football rather than with us?

I'm marginally more sympathetic that he is playing, not watching, butt no, it's not fair on you. More time together in the evenings, and you need to leave him to it sometimes.

Why can't your DH play 5 a side on a weekday evening rather than on a Sunday? that would be much less disruptive, plus it would only cost £5 per evening.

Well there's really nothing to add to MarginallyNarkyPuffin 's post. She's got it in a nutshell.

OP, sorry to say but you are facilitating him a bit. For example, he can'yt bugger off on a Sunday and leave the children on their own, so you have to beat him out the door. Be fair, tell him in advance so he can let his teammates know in advance - or not, as he's not been fair to you for 4 years.

And why is he not doing his share at bedtime/bathtime? Not only would it make it less frantic for you, it would mean he could spend time with HIS children.

Oh, and " If I pursue it he declares he is quitting football if I am going to be like that." Absolutely fine, sounds like a plan to me.

margianlly-good post and I completely agree. Now militant feminism is really not my thing but god I wish dittany could have read this thread!-what a pile of shite to suggest that dh is perfectly entitled to carry on behaving like a selfish twunt as he is doing a sport and "it is good for you". Plenty of ways of taking exercise which include all the family-oh yes thats right they had one-swimning! but cant afford it due to dh footie!

I really hope the op finds the strength to tell this man child to grow the fuck up.

Oh dear. Have just noticed your post about not being able to afford the £15 for the swimming trips. I didn't realise money also played a part.

He is being inconsiderate depriving you and the children of a fun and healthy outing, and the onus should be on him to ensure that the £15 is made available if he is prepared to spend money on his own fun and healthy pursuit.

He should perhaps be looking at the money he spends on drink on his lads' nights out.

'After 4 years, it is unfair for you to suddenly try to put a stop to it'

Er, she's not. She said they discussed it before having children and he said of course he would stop. And he didn't. And whenever she mentions it he throws a strop.

There's a lot of sexism on this thread. The idea that 'boys will be boys' and it's normal for men to bugger off and leave their families for hours to play sport. Read the thread.

This is someone who wanted children and said he'd give up the football when he had them. Who works Mon-Fri so might see his children for a few minutes in the evening, but never does the bedtime routine, then sleeps on the sofa. Who often works Saturdays, and takes more than half of Sunday not just to play but to socialise. Who is resentful that he's given up Friday night training for his family visiting. Who stopped the family going swimming together over money but spends more to play football.

He's acting like a teenager. That is the behaviour of a single man. It's an insult to say that is typical male behaviour. I thought we'd moved on from the days where childcare was seen as 'women's work' and men didn't have anything to do with their DCs.

I don't think people are telling her to shut up -- just asking whether there's a way to rejigger things on other days so she can get her family time and her husband can still have some sport time.

I do think he's being selfish but practically speaking they need to find a compromise.

not 'put up and shut up' just don't focus on the football. i am sporty myself, i think carrying sport on as an adult is a healthy and good thing, and good example for children (this guy plays in a local league).

but... if he gets five hours a week playing football then he needs to make up for it by equal bedtime duties, and sorting out saturdays for family time and letting op have some time to herself after he gets back from football.

i don't understand why wives blame it all on the sport. the football is not making her entertain his family every friday, or do all the bedtimes...

I honestly cant believe there are other women on here basically telling the op to put up and shut up over this. I find that . Op is not asking for anything unreasonable at all-merely that she and their dcs come first which they clearly dont.

Op-if you are not prepared to confront him over the football then I agree with previous poster that you have to put your foot down over his family visiting every friday. Once a month is plenty and if they want to see the dcs then he can take them to visit.

Dh is obsessed with sport - particularly football - whereas I have no interest. He goes to home matches, and even the odd away fixture. I found this irritating when DS was little, but reaped the benefit when he was older and DH shepherded him into the football fold. I'd get rid of the pair of them and have some time to myself.

I see how aggrieved you must feel playing second fiddle to what is essentially a trivial pastime, especially given your DH's promise that he would be giving it up to devote himself to family life. And with such young children your life is very hard at the moment.

However, lots of men seem to need an outlet like this to let off steam and dissipate tension - basically, it does them good, and it's a harmless enough pastime. If you pressure him into giving this up he may habour resentment - covert or overt, it may add a sour note to what sounds like a harmonious relationship.

He is being selfish, of course, but you have to decide whether it matters enough to draw up battle lines. Perhaps you can make him more aware that he is very fortunate to have such an understanding wife - many men would be forced to toe the domestic line.

Don't even think about bridging the gap. Partners in a marriage don't have to have identical interests. Take pleasure in your own personal interests -
though I know you have almost no time to do so!

None of this is to say that you are not justified in feeling aggrieved. You most certainly are. It's just the question of how best to handle the situation ...

Finally, this 'Friday is relatives' night' business sounds a real pain. In my experience, Friday evenings are an ideal time for couples to unwind together and have a drink and a cuddle, relaxing in the relief of another hard week over. This is just my opinion, but if I was going to dig my heels in anywhere it would be here - I'd be looking to reduce the frequency of these visits (and if they're anything like my DH's family, to drop them altogether!).

I am that there are posters on here telling the op she is bu! Her dh is a selfish arse!! who needs to grow the feck up. The op works full time too-usually-spends her fridays entertaining his family and then has their kids all sunday by herself!

My dh has dropped hints about starting to play football-hell will freeze over! I already give up my sunday-every sunday- to visit his family-saturdays are spent on the kids activities so he would be expecting me to do all that by myself-ha ha ha ha ha.

You cant afford to take your dcs swimning but he can still afford to play football-gosh your really are a selfish moo arent you?.

Next time you have this argument and he offers to quit-call his bluff! smile sweetly at his flabbergasted face and tell him you knew he would see sense in the end.

Just summarised this thread to DP- he says he's taking up football- I would love him try and survive til half time!

Seriously OP you need to get a better balance. Can't he play one evening instead non league?

"too many women try to change their menfolk into something they aren't. How can you bridge the gap?"

Too many men try to change women into something they're not - namely domestic serfs there to service their needs, and take care of their kids so they don't have to.

Can you even imagine a man asking "how can you bridge the gap?"

I'd be interested to know what hobbies the OP gave up when she had kids!

and why the HELL are you doing bedtime alone while he falls asleep????

strikes me that if you sorted out bedtimes and saturdays there'd be plenty time for him to have half a day a week playing sport, staying healthy.

And this is why I will never ever date a football fan again (if it all goes tits up with dp)

Always second best- it's like an addiction they can't break.

i don't understand why you don't have family time on a saturday - then you can do your chores while he's at football sunday morning and he can do his when he gets back sunday afternoon (while you nip out for a walk or to the gym).

i actually think sport or other activity is really important (playing, NOT watching) to people's long-term physical and mental health.

Ah he plays football? you didnt make that clear in your post.

Well, Im going to side with him on this one. You're a long time dead - better he's out playing football than turning into a couch potato and developing heart disease and diabetes.

I don't want him miserable I want him to want us more than football. Its clear I cant have that but why is that? What has football got?

Its 'tribal'. Bloke do that whole 'tribe' thing - its bit like hunting in a pack. They are genetically programmed to want to remain children - I cant think of any women I know that continue to play team sports once they leave school.

You shouldn't see it as coming second though. That isn't the case at all. It won't be long before he's too old to play. I'm afraid I'm all for an individual doing their own thing even when in a relationship.

When we got married I was taken aside by the other wives in our group and told I was 'letting the side down' and not 'controlling him enough' - because I don't mind him buggering off to Spain to play golf. Apparently I was allowing a dangerous precedent. We are the only ones still marrried in that group! You can't stop people having hobbies and interests. You knew he played football before you married him. You knew it was important to him.

However if you are that resentful of time out, then your relationship will be doomed because you will fester on it. You havent posted anything about the club set up - does it have its own club house or are they all down the pub for a swift half or three after the match? if thats the case then the other wives and girlfriends will be there. Why don't you go as well? It can be a social occassion for you too.

in terms of sport around the house - I had a second sky box installed so at least I could watch something other than sky sports news!

op - I understand that you are feeling like you are holding the lifeboat whilst dh has his me time; however, you have said that out of season he spends time with you. The times I have seen a wife stop a bloke playing Sunday football/cricket etc have ended badly and the marriage fail as resentment builds in.

Why don't you take dc to watch daddy play? You don't have to be there the full match but then your dc can see their daddy enjoy himself, have an active lifestyle etc then leave him for the hour he is in the pub with his team mates.

After 4 years, it is unfair for you to suddenly try to put a stop to it (see my note above) so try to work a way around it

I also think you need to go out on some of the Saturdays he's at home. Not all of you, just you. Arrange to meet a friend for coffee or go swimming or something you enjoy. They're his children too and it sounds like you're providing all the childcare. And if you're used to working it must be rather isolating being at home and having a DH who's asleep or absent most of the time.

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That's really unfair about not paying for swimming. But do you agree that you can't afford it? Because you write that he suggested you couldn't, so now you don't go. I would be tempted to go anyway, and if he complains suggest that he give up the football then. If you only have 15-20 pounds a week to spend on hobbies, better something that everyone can do rather than just one person.

BTW If I were you I'd turn up in the second half to watch daddy play and cramp his style so he left early with you after the game

Why is he sitting on the sofa while you do all the bathing and bedtime?

I think YABU to take his football away. He works all week and is allowed some me time.

You need to take your turn too though. You could do what you like of an evening/ saturday and let him do some parenting.

You can spend your quality time on a saturday, you need to prioritise it. 'Jobs' can be fitted in around doing stuff together, you need to make the family time the main focus of your weekend, and fit the other stuff round. Be assertive about what you want to do.

You are being too passive and getting resentful about it.

Ah. He plays. OK, I understand now. So he's spending £20 a week on football when he says you can't spend £15 to take the children swimming??? I think that he really needs to grow up. He has 3 children. It's one thing to have personal time and hobbies you love but to deprive the children whilst spending on yourself rather takes the piss. As does the pitch being 5 minutes walk and him being gone for five hours minimum.

I think the exercise and socialising are important but when he has 3 children under five spending at least half of his only day off away from you all is too much.

You need to have a serious talk with him. And break the usual pattern. He knows that you will back down and deliberately throws out the 'I'll quit then' because you'll feel bad. If the football going was part of the discussion when you had children then this has been going on for over 4 years. That's long enough. Add up the hours a week he actually spends with his children and ask him if he thinks it's enough. See how he feels if you are make sure you are not available when he wants to spend time with you.

He doesn't necessarily have to stop playing but he might need to stop playing with that team if they demand time he doesn't have.

How often does he work on Saturdays? Because it sounds like at least sometimes you actually have two days off, it's just that one of them is taken up with chores.

Could you talk to him and see if he will do some of that work on weekday evenings, so you can spend more time together on the weekend?

If you had the whole weekend to do things together, you may be less annoyed about 5 hours away.

Personally I would be less upset about the weekend and more upset that he falls asleep on the sofa every night. That is really odd, and kind of passive-aggressive.

As for your ultimate question -- if you have no interest in sports, I don't really see how you can bridge this gap. But like any hobby, you need to come to an agreement on how much time he can spend on it.

Obviously the current set-up isn't fair but it's also not fair to say he can't spend any time at all on sports. What would be a good compromise for you?

And I'm the sports mad one in my house. It doesn't have to takeover everything.