Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

(48 Posts)
TinselAngel Tue 04-May-21 21:25:06

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-
1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

OP’s posts: |
TinselAngel Tue 04-May-21 21:28:51

Previous threads

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3898348-Trans-Widows-Escape-Committee-4-A-New-Hope

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3668898-trans-widows-escape-committee-3-rise-of-the-trans-widows

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3101834-trans-widows-escape-committee

OP’s posts: |
PamDenick Tue 04-May-21 21:29:19

No direct connection but just want to say Well Done to you all. A middle aged man transitioning and expecting his unsuspecting wife to celebrate that seems just another example of male gas lighting, so good luck to you all.

TinselAngel Tue 04-May-21 21:32:46

Trans Widows Voices website- again if any of the omen who have previously posted would like to contribute their story then do let me know.

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

Just last month the site had had 3,765 visits, from 75 countries. It feels pretty amazing that women from all over the world - Azerbaijan, Bangladesh, Costa Rica, Ghana, Qatar, Philippines are finding our site.

OP’s posts: |
ProudExclu Tue 04-May-21 21:42:04

Introduced myself at the very end of the last thread and place marking here.

Very interested to look at the .org website when I’m not dropping to sleep. Thankyou for the thread tinsel flowers

TinselAngel Tue 04-May-21 21:44:56

ProudExclu

Introduced myself at the very end of the last thread and place marking here.

Very interested to look at the .org website when I’m not dropping to sleep. Thankyou for the thread tinsel flowers


Welcome thanks

OP’s posts: |
KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse Wed 05-May-21 05:58:10

Marking my spot smile

MiladyBerserko Wed 05-May-21 06:58:10

Just logging my support. Well done for starting this, staying the course despite many obstacles and opposition, supporting each other and achieving so much. Be proud of yourselves. flowers

highame Wed 05-May-21 07:44:12

Supporting you all flowers

themiserychick Wed 05-May-21 09:00:13

I'm mainly lurking, but still here. Hoping one day I'll be mentally strong enough to change things. You're all amazing.

ProudExclu Wed 05-May-21 11:58:28

So as I reported my ex, and have done again. A conversation with an officer refusing to use his real name etc made me wonder.

Will it be on my files that I was abused by a woman???

This whole part is something that still effects me. as I said before I have not experienced it from the wider public as my town is not very woke and even those who respect other trans people refuse to do so for my ex and his ilk.

When police officers call him she and use his female name it does something to my brain. It makes remembering things very difficult. I am disgnosed with a condition where amnesia is one of the big symptoms and it seems to be triggered by gaslighting behaviour since the abuse from my ex. I had experienced it before I met him I’ve had it since I was a teenager but it wasn’t like it is since him.

I didn’t meet a woman. I met a 20 stone power lifter. A woman didn’t do those things to me. A woman didn’t sit on my chest and strangle me. A woman didn’t rape me. At points I’ve screamed and cried. I pour with sweat. I demand they show me a biological woman capable of raping me. I demand they bring me women who can overpower me one on one and come away with no injuries, not a mark.

My partner thinks is disgusting and finds the effect on me unacceptable. He’s told them he feels they are disrespecting me and continuing the abuse he inflicted on me and that they should be ashamed of what they’re doing to me and women like me who’ve been through years of this twisting of reality.

When I first reported him though I spoke to higher ranking officers who introduced themselves and then immediately asked me how I would like them to refer to my ex “because it’s a private conversation miss exclu and he does not get to police your private conversations and he certainly does not get to control your speech via me. It isn’t about what he wants it’s about what he’s done to you and I need you to feel comfortable talking about it in your words not his”.

He wasn’t charged (he’d be looking at life in prison if he is ever charged over me) but I can’t help wondering what they’ve recorded it as being reported and what would’ve been put down if he had been.

The whole situation is mad. People have gone mad.

KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse Wed 05-May-21 12:56:17

ProudExclu

So as I reported my ex, and have done again. A conversation with an officer refusing to use his real name etc made me wonder.

Will it be on my files that I was abused by a woman???

This whole part is something that still effects me. as I said before I have not experienced it from the wider public as my town is not very woke and even those who respect other trans people refuse to do so for my ex and his ilk.

When police officers call him she and use his female name it does something to my brain. It makes remembering things very difficult. I am disgnosed with a condition where amnesia is one of the big symptoms and it seems to be triggered by gaslighting behaviour since the abuse from my ex. I had experienced it before I met him I’ve had it since I was a teenager but it wasn’t like it is since him.

I didn’t meet a woman. I met a 20 stone power lifter. A woman didn’t do those things to me. A woman didn’t sit on my chest and strangle me. A woman didn’t rape me. At points I’ve screamed and cried. I pour with sweat. I demand they show me a biological woman capable of raping me. I demand they bring me women who can overpower me one on one and come away with no injuries, not a mark.

My partner thinks is disgusting and finds the effect on me unacceptable. He’s told them he feels they are disrespecting me and continuing the abuse he inflicted on me and that they should be ashamed of what they’re doing to me and women like me who’ve been through years of this twisting of reality.

When I first reported him though I spoke to higher ranking officers who introduced themselves and then immediately asked me how I would like them to refer to my ex “because it’s a private conversation miss exclu and he does not get to police your private conversations and he certainly does not get to control your speech via me. It isn’t about what he wants it’s about what he’s done to you and I need you to feel comfortable talking about it in your words not his”.

He wasn’t charged (he’d be looking at life in prison if he is ever charged over me) but I can’t help wondering what they’ve recorded it as being reported and what would’ve been put down if he had been.

The whole situation is mad. People have gone mad.


I'm so sorry to hear this. How distressing it must be to get no justice and for him to be recorded as a woman who raped a woman. It was bad enough that my decree absolute shows that I divorced a woman for adultery.

Ereshkigalangcleg Wed 05-May-21 13:00:05

Lurking in support thanks

ProudExclu Wed 05-May-21 13:09:41

@KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse

I cannot get my head around it. I’m convinced if he goes to prison it’ll be Karen White all over again.

How on earth can a court condone that? you married a man.

SelfPortraitWithEels Wed 05-May-21 14:20:00

Also not a trans widow, but lurking with flowers.

(Also, can't remember which FWR thread linked Glinner's interview with Jennifer, but I just listened to it on YouTube and wanted to send especial flowers to her, if she happens to read this. It moved me to tears - such bravery and humanity.)

socialworker222 Wed 05-May-21 16:31:08

Thanks for doing this Tinsel. Affirmative Ma'am smile
Amazing to be on Thread 5, and wonderful to have such international reach from the website.
I just looked back and found the day I joined thread 1, 11th May 2018. I was blown away to find a UK support group where I could talk openly about the shocking, destructive impact and trauma of this experience. It honestly changed my life.

TinselAngel Wed 05-May-21 17:26:08

socialworker222

Thanks for doing this Tinsel. Affirmative Ma'am smile
Amazing to be on Thread 5, and wonderful to have such international reach from the website.
I just looked back and found the day I joined thread 1, 11th May 2018. I was blown away to find a UK support group where I could talk openly about the shocking, destructive impact and trauma of this experience. It honestly changed my life.


Now I quite like the idea of being called "Ma'am".

OP’s posts: |
SeasideM Thu 06-May-21 02:20:18

Well dang it. I’ve tried twice now to post and each time moved my phone in some way that made the whole thing toss the post. confused

So just in short thank you @TinselAngel for thread number 5. And thank you fellow trans widows for helping us all know we aren’t alone.

flowers

TinselAngel Thu 06-May-21 08:19:36

SeasideM

Well dang it. I’ve tried twice now to post and each time moved my phone in some way that made the whole thing toss the post. confused

So just in short thank you @TinselAngel for thread number 5. And thank you fellow trans widows for helping us all know we aren’t alone.

flowers


If you're on the app that seems quite easy to do. I had to do the opening post twice. It's really annoying.

OP’s posts: |
QuinnMovesOn Sun 09-May-21 04:14:00

@ProudExclu, it's very brave of you to report him. And while it may not feel like it's making a difference, it's a police report with his name on it. Even if they don't prosecute him now, it matters for the next time someone files a police report on him.

SouthernTW Sun 09-May-21 19:56:02

I missed the switch over. Thank you@TinselAngel for keeping up with our supportive thread.

I am always encouraged by the stories of those who have made it to the other side. Thank you, as always, for being willing to share them. It provides me with hope that my kids and I can weather this and come out better than before.

It's Mother's Day here in the U.S. I realize that's not true in other places. I may not have all the bells and whistles and breakfast in bed with a spa day, but knowing that I am my children's mother and nothing that stbx attempts can take that away.

He still hasn't disclosed anything to the kids and they want to already spend less and less time with him. They won't stay overnight with him. Thankfully, I am in a position where I can just affirm that they get to choose the relationship they have with their father. Divorce papers are in draft form and will be filed beginning of next month.

BruteForce Sun 09-May-21 21:11:53

Also lending support.

I'm new here and shocked to learn that this is happening to so many women.

TinselAngel Sun 09-May-21 21:30:19

This time next year Southern you'll be one of those women who made it out the other side thanks

Literally nobody cares about my sci-fi thread titles do they? Peasants grin

OP’s posts: |
TwistedEyeOfHorus Sun 09-May-21 22:41:24

I know So It Goes from Vonnegut, but I'm not getting And So It Continues.

Go on, Tinsel, give us a clue.

TinselAngel Sun 09-May-21 23:53:42

A sci-fi TV show with the number 5 in the title and the phrase "and so it begins" in the intro"!

OP’s posts: |

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