Trans Widows Escape Committee 5: And so it continues...

[TinselAngel]

Welcome to thread 5. A virtual prize for anyone who can guess the geeky sci fi reference in the thread title.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-

1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

In four years we have gone from starting the first thread, to launching a website, to be invited to give evidence to a government inquiry, which is pretty spectacular when you think about it.

Thanks to all the women who have told their stories and particularly to those who have stuck around to help others. Thanks also to @socialworker222 who remains nice cop, to my stern cop.

Do say hello to start the thread off!

[socialworker222]

I agree it reads like a fantasy. Being a victim, stereotypical gender roles, the child being influenced by the mother and wanting to please her (and not at all upset by Dad's behaviour after all!) Women's magazine clothing mattering (a lot), victimisation by the mother (even when she doesn't say a word, she does wrong!), stoical bravery, magnanimous forgiveness of the mother's mistakes, mother realizing the primacy of father's needs, victimisation again. Oh and finally happy families.
My ex so could have written some of this... he remains highly skilled at self-delusion.
There are plenty of organisations and media telling that particular story. It is in fact the only one allowed in the wider public domain, hence the need for a place to tell other, real, lived, less 'rainbow' experiences where it didn't turn out joyful.

[JudithButlerNot]

Agree that it reads like fantasy. The sexual element makes it seem like male fantasy but maybe I'm being sexist.

[thepuredrop]

And no reference to how the son has grieved for the father that no longer is spoken of. Perhaps that is also a child trying to please. Hoping the son has his own space to talk about his father’s transition.

[TinselAngel]

The idea that there is only one kind of happy ending, that inevitably involves trans widows and children of transitioners compliance is pretty offensive.

One party gets self abnegation and the other party gets self fulfilment. That it is we women who have to do the abnegation role, is depressingly predictable and traditional.

I prefer the future where we get to live our own truth, whatever that is, not somebody else's.

[TinselAngel]

So as you can see, my having a break has gone a bit wrong today

[SouthernTW]

My children have one mother and that would be me.

Why is there never any responsibility placed on GROWN MALE PEOPLE for their own actions? Stop the delusions.

I did not take my children's father away. He chose that himself. He also chose to lie and deceive me from the get-go by not even mentioning that he had previously cross-dressed. If I had known that I would have gone running in the opposite direction. Not my thing. But somehow I am supposed to feel sorry for him that he is "trapped in the wrong body" or some such nonsense?

I don't prefer to live MY truth. I prefer to live THE truth.

[SouthernTW]

And thank you for sharing the rules of misogyny. Thinking I need to frame those somewhere.

[SouthernTW]

And my rant about the failure to place responsibility was, of course, not aimed at you all fellow transwidows, but the world at large, and perhaps those who have wandered into the wrong forum.

[TinselAngel]

We have the same oppressor.

Yes trans widows do indeed have a common oppressor.

A support thread is not the place to come onto and call us "cis", and tell us that our exes have it worse than we do.

Please desist. I have reported your comment and hope that it will be removed.

[334bu]

Do you wish me to remove my comment too as it references the reported comment?

[TinselAngel]

@334bu

Do you wish me to remove my comment too as it references the reported comment?

I don't mind.

[334bu]

Have asked for them to be deleted.

[socialworker222]

Any poster misusing this support thread to spout anecdotal data on assaults, decide we identify as 'cis' (I sure don't), and urge 'sorority' is being offensive, insensitive, and, ah yes, oppressive. The irony.
That aside, couldn't agree more Southern about the victimhood, special status and 'normal rules not applying' to men in these situations. I find it extraordinary that women can be labelled, defined, chastized, and yes, again, oppressed while my ex-husband is not just allowed to, but celebrated in defining his own truth and lived experience. Not sure why my choosing to speak and live my own truth is different for such people. The subtitle of this thread could not be more apt. Sigh.

[QuinnMovesOn]

I am a woman. I don't care what other people decide to call themselves, but they do not get to change or rename my identity.

[TinselAngel]

I think an attempt to bully and force team us into thinking that the difference between us and our exes is in some way less, than the difference between us and other men, is a nasty piece of gaslighting that feels very familiar.

Anybody who thinks we should consider our exes as sisters really needs to read some trans widows stories.

I'm not surprised that somebody has come onto the thread to try this, because it is our stories that show up the idea that our exes and us (and therefore women and trans women more generally) have interests in common, as a lie.

It is also a transparent appeal to our female socialisation to be kind and accepting, that I utterly reject. We will not be silenced by this sort of manipulation tactic as we all have many years experience of this, and similar dynamics.

[KickingBishopBrennanUpTheArrse]

Stop cisgendering us KateB - I find it offensive.

[Datun]

It is also a transparent appeal to our female socialisation to be kind and accepting, that I utterly reject. We will not be silenced by this sort of manipulation tactic as we all have many years experience of this, and similar dynamics.

Adding my support, and saying hear hear.

[BlackeyedSusan]

tinsel et al.

[langclegflavoredbananamush]

So sorry, the crap never stops, does it....
Tinsel and all the other Trans Widows who post here have done so much to help women like me understand what's going on a little better.
We are wishing the best for all of you and your children.

[PrawnofthePatriarchy]

I can't believe someone intruded on a support thread like that. Or at least I would like to have believed no one would behave so badly. The selfishness of the intruder shouts to the heavens. I'm so sorry, dear trans widows.

[AskingQuestionsAllTheTime]

It has happened before, and I am so glad that MNHQ do seem to understand how out-of-place such people are.

My general sympathy and support for people in such a horrible position continues unabated, though I'm not at all sure how much actual use it is!

[TinselAngel]

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

I can't believe someone intruded on a support thread like that. Or at least I would like to have believed no one would behave so badly. The selfishness of the intruder shouts to the heavens. I'm so sorry, dear trans widows.

(Presumably) LARPing as your ex wife in order to woke scold women like her, and leave sufficient identifying information to deter her from ever joining the thread is sickeningly low in my opinion. That's narcissists for you though.