Thanks, Tinsel. Here goes!
I stayed for five years after finding out he was an AGP. Not trans though? I still don't really understand.
This all came out in the same six-month period that my sibling transitioned, age 38, out of the blue. Sibling was always a narcissist and we didn't have much of a relationship anyway but the whole thing just made me feel numb.
I'd lost a lot of weight after having my youngest child and XP encouraged me to shop for new clothes, and I wondered if that was a way of living vicariously? So I comfort ate and cut my long hair off. I was so unhappy and felt completely trapped. He was remorseful and promised not to dress up or buy things, he wanted me, the kids...blah blah blah.
We moved house, the kids started school, I went back to work, and slowly slowly began to figure out my own identity again. Meanwhile he withdrew more from me and the kids - I look back now and think how quiet life was, two people co-existing but not really communicating, it was stale and airless. I would freeze in bed with him, we never had any physical contact and I wore pyjamas, I was never undressed in front of him I couldn't bear the idea.
Anyway I eventually confided in a couple of other friends who were suitably horrified and validated my own feelings. Found threads on here. Realised I wasn't alone. I remember one woman posting about her husband who sounded similar to mine but who didn't stop dressing up and shopping - and at first did it in secret, then not in secret but at least when she wasn't there, and then finally wearing a fucking nightie to bed with her. I knew I had to leave, I still didn't really know how to. The final straw was telling another friend, who I had expected to tell me I should stay. I don't know why, now, but at the time I thought she'd advocate staying together and working it out. She didn't, she said she had no idea why I was with him after all that and that I deserved happiness - hearing it from her made me believe for the first time that I actually could do it.
And that was that, I told him within days of talking to that friend, he spent 24 hours begging me to change my mind before leaving for his parents. He spent the next six months texting me, telling me I was handling 'this' badly, there was another way, whatever it takes... etc etc. Maybe he was genuine. Or wanted to be, anyway. I feel sorry for him.
So, that was nearly three years ago, I threw myself into the dating game quite quickly to see if I was repulsed by all men or just him, turns out it was just him, phew!
He was logged into various online shops on the family PC and for a while I monitored his purchases, all hideous tacky women's clothing and underwear, then I logged out and haven't looked since.
I guess I am not a transwidow. He didn't talk about wanting to be a woman. It was just sexual. How can anyone compete when what's in someone else's head is just their own vision of themselves? I don't really understand that level of self-obsession.
And then there's my aforementioned sibling. Or brother, as I call him. He told me I wasn't allowed to tell my children that I grew up with a brother (they have never met him). He wasn't a boy, and isn't a man. Etc etc. Naval gazing. Self-absorbed. Me me me, all of them.
I just hope my kids never find out. But one day they'll probably want a bit more than 'me and daddy just grew apart' as an explanation. And I'm the bad guy to them, I made their dad leave. But my god I feel free.
to you all.