Trans Widows' Escape Committee 4 - A New Hope

(963 Posts)
TinselAngel Sun 03-May-20 12:23:13

Who would have thought we'd make it to thread 4?

Let's have some mutual pats on the back for the amazing support women on these threads have given to other trans widows, and the accidental consciousness raising that has come about as a result of this community.

This is a support area for women who are, or have been, in unhappy relationships with male partners who are transitioning, or exploring their "gender identity"

If you are in that position-
1. You are not alone
2. It is not a situation that you should be expected to tolerate, let alone celebrate.
3. There is always a way out, if you want it. The thread is called Escape Committee for that reason

Remember: women talking to each other is a powerful weapon!

We now have a website which has been very well recived, and if any women who have contributed to these threads would like to write their story for inclusion on the website that would be wonderful.

Do post to get the new thread going. Links to the website and previous threads will follow.

As ever our thoughts are with the women still stuck in these relationships- check in, we do worry about you.

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TinselAngel Sun 03-May-20 12:30:26


Thread 1

Thread 2

Thread 3

And before anybody suggests that its inconsistent to have "Strike Back" as 2" and "A new hope" as 4, yes I know it is!

I was going to call this thread "The Trans Widows and the Goblet of Kool Aid" as thats indisputably a part 4 of something reference, but "A New Hope" was more appropriate!

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socialworker222 Sun 03-May-20 12:42:39

Welcome thread 4. Awesome work Tinsel. The previous three freed, saved, comforted and empowered me. Hope they help all the others out there.

TinselAngel Sun 03-May-20 12:57:33

Thank you for being my trusty, and more patient, lieutenant socialworker222 thanksgin

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OhHolyJesus Sun 03-May-20 13:21:09

Hugs from me Tinsel and all the others, I am not a trans widow but I support you all and continue to share the website.

deepwatersolo Sun 03-May-20 13:24:42

Welcome thread 4!

Thought of this line of threads just 2 days ago, when I read in the guardia's 'Ask...' section the letter of a woman who was uncomfortable with the 'kink' of her boyfriend, which included his feminization....

I commented that she should run for the hills, because that sounds like many trans widows' descriptions of the 'early stages' and she should google transwidows.

Of course, my comment never made it to the comment section. It was immediately censored.

I'll leave a link of the guardian piece.

SisyphusLangClegRocks Sun 03-May-20 13:27:48

A trans widow's one of the few things I've not been relationship-wise, but often come on and read the stories of those who have been.

Delighted you're all getting so much support. More power to you! smile


QuinnMovesOn Sun 03-May-20 15:17:43

FinallyFree, I just want to ditto the recommendations that you need to be careful about accepting inappropriate divorce settlement just to get this over with.

With my ex, I basically put a very fair proposal on the table and said he could either agree and we would settle quickly or I would make this very ugly and unpleasant. He agreed to almost all of my proposal. Because he did not want to stand up in court sounding like an idiot and looking like a "bloke in clackety heels" (I love whomever said that on a previous thread!)

QuinnMovesOn Sun 03-May-20 15:20:24

Forgetthehousework, kudos if you're genuinely happy in your marriage. I also was okay with going along all my ex's sexual kinks for many years, until he decided to transition and it became very clear that I wasn't even an afterthought in his life.

forgetthehousework Sun 03-May-20 17:07:35

Oh yes Quinn, genuinely happy with things as they are now.
Of course I don't mean that we live in perfect harmony 24/7; I'm not sure anyone could do that but we can talk and also listen to each other most of the time and if things get a bit stressful try to give each other space - even if at the moment it's more headspace than physical.
I doubt I'd be so philosophical if he wanted to transition fully, but at the moment that isn't in the mix.

FinallyFree86 Sun 03-May-20 17:25:33

QuinnMovesOn thanks for the advice. There isnt anything that he has that I could possibly want in the divorce. He has nothing. I know that he never has any intention of going back to work so I want to block him being able to claim my pensions and stop him dumping any of his quite considerable debts on my lap. I want no further contact with him or his family. I know he has moved so I have no idea where to send the divorce papers when the time comes.

TinselAngel Sun 03-May-20 19:38:22

It's been interesting to hear your perspective forgetthehousework. Do come back if your situation changes. smile

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TheHairyBodParents Sun 03-May-20 19:54:28

Just a message of support to the real TWs (Trans Widows) as always.

Thank you for your voice; your work; your support; your new online presence.

Joisanofthedales Mon 04-May-20 11:17:41

Love to you all xxx

QuinnMovesOn Mon 04-May-20 15:52:19

FinallyFree, if you can't find someone to process serve them with legal papers, the court can allow you to other options. Please do consider hiring a solicitor, it sounds like your situation is complicated and I'm worried that you wouldn't get "clean break" status. And you really want that... I look at the medical bills my ex has rung up (both for multiple transition surgeries and because of being an idiot who doesn't take care of their own health) and am very glad there's no way I could be on the hook financially for any of that.

TyroSaysMeow Wed 06-May-20 15:18:29

Just sticking my head on to say hello, I'm still lurking. Nothing of note to report re: ex though so not much to say.

TinselAngel Wed 06-May-20 15:36:11

Nice to see you @TyroSaysMeow

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R0wantrees Wed 06-May-20 22:44:16

DrEm is a brilliant academic whose research centres women & children.
She has published a couple of important articles in the last week demonstrating the sexist, abusive & shakey foundations on which transsexual/ transgender ideology has been built.
I thought women who post & read these important support threads may find her work useful & heartening:

'Sexist History at the Heart of the ‘Science’ on Transsexualism, Part II: Robert Stoller, True Trans'

"The notion that those women who don’t believe, or will not pretend to believe to pacify men, in true trans are bigoted or mean or nasty is a repeat of the arguments that those women who don’t believe in transgenderism/transsexualism are bigoted and mean. We have all experienced the accusation of transphobe and the social exclusion when we stated our belief in biology, this is the same. It is undoubtedly appealing to refute the allegation of transphobia by saying ‘I have trans friends’ or ‘look, a trans person agrees with me’ but this both excludes women who need us (transwidows, daughters of trans identified fathers), muddies the waters and uses other people, those claiming to be trans, for one’s own ends. No person should be used as a means to an end. The belief that women have full humanity does not have to be defended by any kind of shallow show, our ideas and evidence stand on their own. With no reasonable scientific basis transsexualism/transgenderism remains at the status of an ideology, and an ideology which is antithetical to feminism."

Part I

DrEm tweets:

TinselAngel Wed 06-May-20 23:23:47

Thanks R0, great to read thoughts that were pioneered on FWR making it out into the wider world.

I wish I could remember for sure Dr Em's mumsnet handle. @DrEm ?

As ever I wish those who advocate for transexual "allies" to be included in feminism would compare and contrast their stories with trans widows stories.

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TinselAngel Thu 07-May-20 00:00:10


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Pertella Thu 14-May-20 16:14:38

You may already be aware, but Posie is looking for transwidows or children of transitioners who are willing to speak on her podcast

TinselAngel Thu 14-May-20 17:39:25

I wouldn't want to influence anybody one way or the other about whether to do this, but one thing I can vouch is that Posie completely gets the trans widows thing.

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Amalfimamma Thu 14-May-20 17:53:52

Not a transwidow but sending you all love and support.

And thanks tinsel for all the work you do

Antibles Thu 14-May-20 19:19:26

Threadlurker here just adding my support to the thread too. Transwidows' narratives should (and will) be front and centre stage of all of this.

TehBewilderness Thu 14-May-20 22:06:54

I want to thank you all for helping women's rights activists see exactly who they are excluding and displacing when they provide a platform for males who identify as women to mansplain at their meetings and seminars.

I am so sorry you have been abused so many ways by so many thoughtless people. flowers

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