Can anyone help me work out what happened last night with DH - TW rape

[WoIsMe]

I had too much to drink last night and I'm not sure exactly what happened, I was hoping someone could give me some perspective as I'm on the verge of packing a bag for DH and telling him not to come home tonight.

We were in bed and I asked DH to put some emollient cream on my back because I have eczema there but I can't reach it easily. He couldn't find the cream so he grabbed some Nivea For Men moisturiser. I immediately asked him to stop as it has perfume in but despite my protests he put it all over my back (I was lying on my tummy and he was astride me so I couldn't move out of the way). It burned my eczema so he went to get a Lush massage bar to use instead - I assume for the cocoa butter. I was upset that he hadn't stopped when I asked him because he thought he knew what he was doing so he overruled my objection.

We started to get intimate and he kept trying to give me oral sex. I said I didn't want to but he kept pulling my legs down the bed and trying to get them apart. I said I didn't want to because it was too intimate and I didn't feel comfortable with that after he didn't listen to me about the moisturiser. It was hurting my ankles when he kept pulling my legs down so I suggested we have sex doggy style instead since that is his favourite position.

So we started doing that but he pulled my legs down again which meant that the position wasn't right and he slipped out. He spent a bit of time dry-humping me but then must have realised he had slipped out. He started trying to turn me over and pull my legs apart again even though I was saying I didn't want him to go down on me. I was really worried that he was going to force himself on me and this is the part where I get confused. I bolted to the kitchen to get a knife to defend myself with. I can't believe I was so worried about my safety that I was looking for a weapon. On the way I passed the bathroom door so I locked myself in there instead of going to the kitchen.

DH knocked on the door and was calm. He had put his pyjamas on and asked me to put my pyjamas on so we could talk about it. He said he thought I wanted to have oral sex and he didn't understand what was going on. I said I didn't want to and we both went to sleep. We have both got up and gone to work this morning with nothing more said. I have been with DH for 20 years and I don't understand why my reaction was so strong. If I said to him that I was running to the kitchen to get a knife so he couldn't rape me he would be incredibly offended.

If you've got this far then thanks for reading. I don't quite understand what happened last night or what the big picture is.

[Happybunny19]

Has something happened against your will with him before to evoke such a strong flight instinct in you? I've been with my dp for a similar length of time and can't imagine feeling that threatened, but he has never continued if I have not wanted to.

Did you speak at all before work this morning?

I think you need to have a serious discussion tonight and tell him exactly how you felt, regardless of how you suspect he will respond (if you feel safe to). How are things between you in general?

[LeopardPrintSocks1]

How the hell did he not get the message you didn't want oral?! You need to have strong words with him. Has he ever done this before?

[SandyY2K]

That's an awful lot of detail for someone who said they 'can't remember'.

I agree.

Maybe something has happened in another relationship to make you feel scared of being forced upon or you were just angry about the cream on your back burning, which would have made me not at all in the mood for sex.

[AyeAmarok]

Did he say last night why he was so determined to do something to you that you had made it very clear you did not want? Did he think he knew better?

It would certainly erode the trust I had in my partner if he refused to listen to me, which would make me never want to have sex with him again.

[WoIsMe]

It's not that I can't remember so much as that I can't work out why things got so bad that I ended up bolting from the bed. I had had quite a bit to drink so I may well have not been thinking straight or have overreacted.

I have never had another sexual relationship, I've only been with DH. We've been together for 20 years.

[WellErrr]

Sounds awful

[Terraviva]

Sandy and Pepper Wow! Instant judgement and victim blaming!

OP... Drunk logic is a law unto itself. I agree your DH was insensitive and over-stepped the mark. Running to get a knife is bonkers alcohol logic and over-reaction. I'd say to chalk it up to a really bad drunken night all round.

[Goingtobeawesome]

Firmly, icy cold with a strong attitude you need to tell him that if he ever ignores your request to stop again you will do something about it. Tell him he knew full well you didn't want oral sex and please, don't ever do something you don't want to do to try and placate this twat after he's already disrespected you.

[OhhBetty]

I understand why your reaction was so strong op and it sounda very scary. My ex bf used to do sexual things to me without my consent and rape me when I was asleep. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean he has the rights to your body. It took me a long time to learn that.

What he did was absolutely not ok. And he knows that otherwise he wouldn't have wanted to talk about it. I hope you're ok

[Lweji]

I have been with DH for 20 years and I don't understand why my reaction was so strong.

Because he was completely over the line and your boundaries are where they should be.

Does he usually ignore your nos?

The question is what you will do now. It all sounds awful and no wonder you felt helpless and needing to defend yourself.
Will you trust him in bed from now on?
Or will you gloss over it?

Beware of him keeping pushing your natural boundaries until you accept assault as normal.

[baconandeggies]

I said I didn't want to

He didn't listen to you, he hurt you and then he lied to you. This is a betrayal and you might want to ask him to leave for a few days at least to give you some space.

[aginghippy]

Does he usually ignore your nos?

It wasn't only the sex last night. The precursor was the skin cream that burned your skin.

Does he often 'overrule your objections' to what he wants to do?

[SandyY2K]

Sandy and Pepper Wow! Instant judgement and victim blaming!

I wasn't blaming, you have clearly misunderstood.

I just agreed that the OP recalled detail, when she said she couldn't remember, but she has since clarified what she actually meant.

Your accusatory post is unhelpful and it would be better to focus on helping the OP here.

[WoIsMe]

Aging he does all the time - to me and the DCs. He always thinks he knows best.

[Lweji]

It doesn't sound like a particularly happy marriage, or a partnership if he usually overrules you.

Has he forced himself sexually before, or gone ahead without you consenting?

[baconandeggies]

He always thinks he knows best

And is this controlling behaviour acceptable to you?

[aginghippy]

If he does it all the time, it sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you.

It's not the behaviour of a loving partner. But I guess you must know that on some level, or else you wouldn't be posting on here.

[TalkingintheDark]

He ignored you about the skin cream (ouch ouch ouch) and (repeatedly) about oral sex. That's bad enough, but what worries me as well is that you then "suggested we have sex doggy style instead since that is his favourite position" - that sounds to me like you felt you had to come up with something else he'd like to make up for not wanting him to give you oral.

Like you feel you don't have the right to just say "no, I don't want any sex with you at all right now, after what you've just done to me." Because sex between you is about meeting his needs, not yours.

Did you actually want to have sex with him, sex doggy style, at that point? Or was it just to placate him? Is there a pattern in your relationship of you going along with what he wants because he makes your life miserable if you don't?

Because if there is, if you're used to going along with things that you're not really up for at that particular moment, just to keep the peace, then your feeling of being violated could have been building up for a long time - and last night it just came to a head. Hence the suddenly overwhelming feeling that you needed to protect yourself.

[sparechange]

Please, please do not ever think that going to grab a knife is a good idea.

Obviously it is great that you didn't, but it is a bad idea on so, so many levels, not least because it could very easily be used on you in any struggle to disarm you.

Is there some back story here which meant you were in such a hurry to arm yourself with such a deadly weapon, rather than lock yourself in the bathroom or another room?

[Lweji]

I think the knife idea could have been due to the drink, and I fully agree that it is a really bad idea. But the point is that you, OP, had a very strong defence reaction. And you shouldn't beat yourself for it. On the contrary.
You should trust your instincts here.

[EnormousTiger]

The big picture is what you think about this now and what you want to do. It sounds like even though you'd been drinking you made it clear he should stop the skin cream and he carried on. perhaps after 20 years of this controlling bastard you've now realised you don't want him knowing best and ignoring no all the time? Or may be you just had a bad evening and should carry on with him and forget it. it's up to you what you want to do.

I divorced after almost 20 years - best thing I ever did, but other people have different marriages. None of us can really say what is right for one person or not except yes he broke the law in proceeding when you said no. It's not exactly major crime of the year and I don't think it woudl help to tell him you went for a knife and going into bathroom was more sensible - as soon as people get weapons out other people tend to get hurt and accidents happen.

Decide what you want to do. You may want to change how you and he interact in general - resist all the nos which I expect are much more common in terms of his control over the children and the rest of life more than being a sex issue - so it's a mroe fundamental issue. Do you want to carry on being the yes woman or do you want a more equal assertive you to emerge and domineering man after 20 years of always being right to be pushed back in his box and told what is what.

[sashh]

He totally ignored you and cause you physical pain, he then tried to have sex with you against your will (oral is still sex) and again physically hurt you.

The knife was a bad idea but feeling hurt and vulnerable isn't.

I think I'd be telling him to pack a bag.

[TwoGunslingers]

...well that escalated fast.

Talk to your H today when you are both sober. Sounds like you were both a bit out of your minds last night.

[SpidersFromMars]

You need to talk to him properly about it - from your side.

If he thinks it was loving and consensual - and if he's not completely surprised at your feelings and upset about how he acted, then I think you need to question the relationship.