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Original poster

Can anyone help me work out what happened last night with DH - TW rape

170 replies

WoIsMe · 12/12/2016 10:57

I had too much to drink last night and I'm not sure exactly what happened, I was hoping someone could give me some perspective as I'm on the verge of packing a bag for DH and telling him not to come home tonight.

We were in bed and I asked DH to put some emollient cream on my back because I have eczema there but I can't reach it easily. He couldn't find the cream so he grabbed some Nivea For Men moisturiser. I immediately asked him to stop as it has perfume in but despite my protests he put it all over my back (I was lying on my tummy and he was astride me so I couldn't move out of the way). It burned my eczema so he went to get a Lush massage bar to use instead - I assume for the cocoa butter. I was upset that he hadn't stopped when I asked him because he thought he knew what he was doing so he overruled my objection.

We started to get intimate and he kept trying to give me oral sex. I said I didn't want to but he kept pulling my legs down the bed and trying to get them apart. I said I didn't want to because it was too intimate and I didn't feel comfortable with that after he didn't listen to me about the moisturiser. It was hurting my ankles when he kept pulling my legs down so I suggested we have sex doggy style instead since that is his favourite position.

So we started doing that but he pulled my legs down again which meant that the position wasn't right and he slipped out. He spent a bit of time dry-humping me but then must have realised he had slipped out. He started trying to turn me over and pull my legs apart again even though I was saying I didn't want him to go down on me. I was really worried that he was going to force himself on me and this is the part where I get confused. I bolted to the kitchen to get a knife to defend myself with. I can't believe I was so worried about my safety that I was looking for a weapon. On the way I passed the bathroom door so I locked myself in there instead of going to the kitchen.

DH knocked on the door and was calm. He had put his pyjamas on and asked me to put my pyjamas on so we could talk about it. He said he thought I wanted to have oral sex and he didn't understand what was going on. I said I didn't want to and we both went to sleep. We have both got up and gone to work this morning with nothing more said. I have been with DH for 20 years and I don't understand why my reaction was so strong. If I said to him that I was running to the kitchen to get a knife so he couldn't rape me he would be incredibly offended.

If you've got this far then thanks for reading. I don't quite understand what happened last night or what the big picture is.

OP posts:
uglyswan · 12/12/2016 13:16

"I said I didn't want to but he kept pulling my legs down the bed and trying to get them apart. I said I didn't want to because it was too intimate and I didn't feel comfortable with that after he didn't listen to me about the moisturiser. [...] He started trying to turn me over and pull my legs apart again even though I was saying I didn't want him to go down on me" How can anyone read this and think that "he thinks it was loving and consensual" is even a remote possibility?

OP, I'm very sorry, this is clearly sexual assault. You said no, repeatedly, and he tried to physically force you into a sexual act you didn't want. Can you give the people from [[www.rapecrisis.org.uk/ Rape Crisis]] a ring to talk through your options? Flowers

aginghippy · 12/12/2016 13:24

Here is uglyswan's link Rape Crisis. They have a helpline 0808 802 9999, open 12-2.30pm and 7-9.30pm every day, and 3-5.30pm weekdays.

Huskylover1 · 12/12/2016 13:24

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TheSparrowhawk · 12/12/2016 13:30

It sounds like his controlling behaviour is escalating. The cream thing is absolutely awful - he basically held you down and hurt you despite you protesting and asking him to stop. He then repeatedly sexually assaulted you despite your clear protests. Your reaction is neither here nor there - when threatened we all react in strange ways. You didn't even get to the kitchen you just went to the bathroom.

I'm guessing that you feel wound up, frustrated and threatened by your DH on an ongoing basis and last night something snapped.

Latenightreader · 12/12/2016 13:43

Sometimes it can take a very long while to put a finger on things. I broke up with a boyfriend because I couldn't bear it when he touched me. I cringed away from him, I hated the idea of kissing him. It was terrifying because I couldn't work out why my feelings had changed so much (we'd been together two years and I'd been feeling like that for a few months when we split). I thought I was behaving appallingly towards him and hated myself for it. Several years later I realised that it all stemmed from something he probably saw as loving and affectionate, but what to me was unwanted sexual touching. There isn't always an obvious reason, but it doesn't make it any less real.

I hope you figure things out OP. Thinking of you.

uglyswan · 12/12/2016 13:45

Thanks hippy, I messed that up.

Husky - hang on, you read an account of a man trying to force a woman's legs apart while she says no, and the OP getting a knife to defend herself is the scariest part to you? So sexual assault= big drunken mess and not scary; self-defence=scary. I really hope this is a minority view.

Lweji · 12/12/2016 13:47

Yes, Huskylover1, WTAF? Shock Hmm

TheSparrowhawk · 12/12/2016 13:49

Ugly - she only thought about getting a knife, she didn't actually do it. He, on the other hand, did physically hurt his wife and sexually assault her.

BoxingHelena · 12/12/2016 13:57

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CondensedMilkSarnies · 12/12/2016 13:58

You'd think after 20 years together he'd know exactly what cream you could tolerate on your eczema .

He did this deliberately - he is an abuser by the sounds of it.

uglyswan · 12/12/2016 14:00

Sparrowhawk - thank you, I missed that. So to come back to Husky's take on this: thinking about defending yourself is scarier than actually assaulting someone. That's really fucked up.

TheSparrowhawk · 12/12/2016 14:03

Boxing - if you think it's not real, report it. Do not troll hunt.

BoxingHelena · 12/12/2016 14:12

ok thanks, sincere apologies, I wasn't familiar with the etiquette
I felt uncomfortable reading half of the initial post

Lweji · 12/12/2016 14:16

I felt uncomfortable reading half of the initial post

It's rare that reports of sexual assault are comfortable reading.

MNHQ
LornaMumsnet · 12/12/2016 14:18

Hi all,

We understand you may have doubts about the OP, but we'd much rather you come to us, rather than air your doubts on the board.

We know from past experience that troll hunting can really upset the OP (who is for all we know completely genuine), and derail the thread.

In this case, we have no reason to doubt the authenticity of the OP.

We'd appreciate it if you could refrain from posting in this way in the future.

Thanks Flowers

Yoshimibattling · 12/12/2016 14:35

OP no wonder you are feeling very confused.

Your husband has overridden your no and hurt you. I think that could trigger a very scared reaction, because I think that is a dangerous position to be in. Physically, emotionally and mentally.

Do you have anyone to talk this through with? Rape Crisis would be good to talk to. Flowers

whattodowiththepoo · 12/12/2016 14:45

"Husky - hang on, you read an account of a man trying to force a woman's legs apart while she says no, and the OP getting a knife to defend herself is the scariest part to you? So sexual assault= big drunken mess and not scary; self-defence=scary. I really hope this is a minority view."

Reading an account of a woman that says she was so drunk she can't remember what happened and says she can't understand why she reacted so strongly.
When you are drunk your judgement is impaired, don't stab someone "in self defence" if your judgement is impaired.

TheSparrowhawk · 12/12/2016 14:51

NO STABBING HAPPENED. The OP didn't even get the fucking knife!

TwoGunslingers · 12/12/2016 15:03

You don't think it's weird that her first instinct was to grab a knife? I think that's completely unhinged. Not saying the husband wasn't being an asshole, but OP was clearly a bit worse for the wear having drank too much, so if she had got the knife things could have been so much worse. I think that's what people are trying to say, the fact you even have that thought is a bit Confused after a 20 year marriage I think talking about it makes more sense than immediately jumping off the deep end

TheSparrowhawk · 12/12/2016 15:07

I think there's probably a lot more to this and she probably snapped. Luckily she didn't actually do anything so really it doesn't matter what she thought about. He, on the other hand, treated her appallingly.

aginghippy · 12/12/2016 15:13

TwoGunslingers please bear in mind that this is a support thread in Relationships, not AIBU. Calling the OP names isn't going to help her figure out how to deal with the aftermath of being sexually assaulted by her husband.

PushingThru · 12/12/2016 15:14

Get out. Get out now. He hurts you & then gaslights you about it and you sound very confused as a result.

Lweji · 12/12/2016 15:18

after a 20 year marriage I think talking about it makes more sense than immediately jumping off the deep end

So, if it was a stranger forcing himself, it would make sense to grab a knife. But a husband, no?

The OP at that time didn't know how far he'd go. (not saying that grabbing a knife is ever ok)

But, it's funny how some people are more worried about condemning the wife, who was attacked and went nowhere near a knife, than the husband who did attack her.

aginghippy · 12/12/2016 15:21

If it's a 20 year marriage that includes emotional abuse and coercion, it's entirely understandable that the OP is confused about her own feelings.

TwoGunslingers · 12/12/2016 15:41

I wasn't calling names, sorry OP if you thought I was being harsh.

I think the comparison between a stranger and a man she's known for 20 years isn't all that relevant. If my husband suddenly behaved like this I would be concerned about what was going on in his head, if it was a stranger it would be a much different situation. I'm assuming the OP has an emotional attachment to this man which is why this is so confusing, but surely it warrants a conversation where everyone sets out their views rather than instantly leaving/throwing him out. Given what Op said it could have been a drunken thing that escalated, rather than a complete shift in his personality which would make him a dangerous predator.

Just offering an alternative view, no offence intended.

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