Daughters c section & MIL

(306 Posts)
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy Fri 09-Nov-18 13:03:32

My daughter had a c section on Tuesday. She had an emergency so quite traumatic for her.
I was waiting for her in the side room, her DP was in with her, and saw her after she had been sewn up. All went well. She wanted me to stay at the hospital. She came home yesterday to find MIL waiting outside in her car. She’d been asked to wait until contacted to visit. They wanted to get settled in. I got a very upset phone call asking me to come round. When I got there MIL was arguing with DDP. He was angry that she had turned up unannounced, she was angry I’d been at the hospital and seen baby first.
My daughter has come home with me and baby, DDP is joining us this evening. She wants to stay here, with her DP and baby. It’s no problem, I have plenty of room.
What’s bothering me is she does not want contact with MIL, but I have MIL constantly texting and trying to call me, demanding to see her grandchild.
AIBU to block her number and ignore her? To me my daughters feelings come first right now, we can sort MIL out in a few days.

OP’s posts: |
LongWalkShortPlank Fri 09-Nov-18 13:07:04

I think you just need to talk to her on the phone and explain what happened and how it was traumatic for her and hope she understands. Maybe she's just worried?

LordPickle Fri 09-Nov-18 13:08:17

YANBU. You've got no responsibility to MIL and you don't want to get even more caught up in that drama. I wouldn't want to engage with her either.

sweeneytoddsrazor Fri 09-Nov-18 13:08:34

Why couldn't MIL have popped in to hospital on the Weds to visit. It is just as much her grandchild as yours and whilst I understand your DD wanting you around it isn't very fair on MIL

AnguaUberwaldIronfoundersson Fri 09-Nov-18 13:10:06

Jesus Christ! I think I'd be really unhappy if ANY relative acted that way after a traumatic birth/when I'd just come home (luckily my MIL is just gorgeous and wouldn't ever do this!)

Fair enough, MIL wants to see the baby and feels put out that you've met the baby first, but at the end of the day, you DD was the patient and could stipulate who she wanted to visit. If you're a caring and supportive mother then I can see why she was happy you were there.

MIL should have given them time to settle in as a new family at home, not turned up on their doorstep shouting the odds.

Drop her a text telling her shes out of order and she needs to calm the fuck down or she will lose any decent relationship she hopes to have with your daughter and her grandchild. Then ignore her until she grows up!

Your daughter has just given birth and gone through major surgery FFS.

Racecardriver Fri 09-Nov-18 13:10:25

I would block and ignore. Her mental issues are not even remotely your problem when you child has just had surgery!

Ohmyohmyohmyohmy Fri 09-Nov-18 13:10:59

DDP has kept her well informed of everything, she hasn’t been left out. He told her she could come for the afternoon when they got home. She’s held baby at the time but it was rather fraught. I have tried to talk to her but she just shouts and is unreasonable.

OP’s posts: |

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Knittedfairies Fri 09-Nov-18 13:11:04

I too think you need to speak to her; you were the first grandma to see the baby but I should point out to your daughter’s MIL that wasn’t the primary motive you were at the hospital - you were there to support your daughter. She needed her mum.

chillpizza Fri 09-Nov-18 13:11:13

I’d stay out of it. Sounds like mil is one of those overbearing types. Both parents of the new baby decided when they would invite her, she ignored them then argued with them. Both parents have now retreated to your house and she’s not harassing your phone.

chillpizza Fri 09-Nov-18 13:12:13

She’s now. Not she’s not.

icouldwriteabook Fri 09-Nov-18 13:12:14

I think MIL wouldn’t listen to what you had to say if she’s not even listened to her own son.

I’d send a text saying ‘it isn’t up to me when you see GC, please respect my daughters wishes to be left alone for a few days while she adapts to her new baby. This isn’t my business i just wants what’s best for DD’

And then block her number or turn your phone off or just ignore calls/texts. Nobody needs to argue, MIL just needs to calm down. It’s not her baby and jealousy can be an awful trait. DD has you there because you’re her mother. End of. If my MIL acted like her I’d be telling her to get lost aswell!

Hope your DD recovers quickly congrats to you all flowers

Sexnotgender Fri 09-Nov-18 13:13:06

Tell her to back the fuck off.

Is your daughter ok?

Seeing babies isn’t about bloody fairness. Your daughters physical and mental health are the 2 most important things here alongside the health of the baby.

Muffin17 Fri 09-Nov-18 13:13:17

Ignore her, it's not about her, it's about your daughter SIL and grandchild, and their needs right now. She's selfish and childish to be making this about her and needs to show some respect

LadyBathory Fri 09-Nov-18 13:13:27

Well it’s your daughters and DPs feelings in regards to their child and your daughters health. You don’t deserve to be hounded since it’s your phone you can do what you like such as saying don’t contact me or you can send a message from you guys as a group stating your feelings rationally.

MIL: your son and my daughter need some time to settle and heal after a traumatic time, although I understand your wish to see your grandchild I went primarily to support my child. Please respect their wishes and they will see you once they are comfortable and settled.

Maybe send pictures everyday if your feeling generous that’s what I did.

Ginger1982 Fri 09-Nov-18 13:14:09

This is such a shame. It would have been nice for MIL to pop round once baby was home just for half an hour but to start arguing about it is just silly. My mum and in laws both came to see me in hospital after I had DS and everyone left happy.

Celebelly Fri 09-Nov-18 13:14:42

Goodness me. Had MIL just been waiting there speculatively for her to arrive home? That's very odd and totally tone deaf (but good for your daughter's partner for telling her that wasn't acceptable).

I would stay out of it - just say that your daughter had a traumatic time and is recovering and it might be a few days before she feels able to have visitors and that she/MIL's son will contact her. While I can understand MIL wants to see the baby, she's actually made things worse for herself by being unreasonable about it (and drawing parallels between you being there isn't helpful –of course your daughter might want her mum there in a situation like that). MIL should really be asking if there's anything she can do to help or bring with her –not demanding to see the baby with no concern for your daughter's wellbeing.

It's a shame, really, as she's dug her own grave here and will have to wait longer than she would have otherwise if she'd just been reasonable about it.

Smallplant Fri 09-Nov-18 13:15:09

I don't really get all this "my mum can be at the birth but my in laws have to wait a week to meet the baby" stuff that's on Mumsnet. In reality I'm sure no one treats their husbands family so badly compared to their own :s Although I'm sure you'll get people along shortly who agree with you.

That's her sons new baby, unless there's a huge backstory, why would your daughter not want to see her? Why wasn't MIL invited for a short visit at the hospital? I assume your daughter was in for at least one full day.

I had an emergency c section, and both my mother and MIL were waiting together at the hospital to meet baby straight out of theatre. Unless this is a massive dripfeed and MIL has some awful personality or past behaviour, I don't see why she wouldn't have been invited to pop by and meet baby in hospital. There's certainly not a lot else to do apart from receive visitors when you're sat recovering from a c section in hospital. I agree that waiting outside the house in the car is odd. But also not inviting her in is just as odd.

LadyBathory Fri 09-Nov-18 13:15:13

I did not see your update. Tell her to cool her tits fgs this isn’t about her.

Nanny0gg Fri 09-Nov-18 13:15:54

Don't say 'respect your daughter's wishes' say respect the parents wishes.

Maybe send a text rather than speak to someone who shouts?

Imsoimso Fri 09-Nov-18 13:16:22

Block her. For your DD's sanity. Please block her. Your poor daughter doesn't need people dragging out of her.

blackcat86 Fri 09-Nov-18 13:16:36

It might be useful to reiterate to her via text that you are there to support your daughter and will continue to do so. My parents were clear during my c section that they were coming to visit me first and foremost after surgery. Of course they wanted to meet their first grandchild but that doesn't stop me being their child. We did arrange for the in laws to come afterwards but your daughter's MIL sounds like a loose cannon. If she's being abusive to you then simply stare that you will not be responding until she can be reasonable a)because you don't have to subject to it b) because you're creating a safe space for your daughter.

Santaispolishinghissleigh Fri 09-Nov-18 13:16:41

Block her. It's for your dd's dp to deal with. Any arguments with him will be accepted, ones with you will be a grudge held forever. Good on your dd for leaving a bad situation.
Congratulations on your dgc.
As you have already discovered, unfortunately being a dgm is at times more difficult than parenthood. Ime also.

JonSnowsManBun Fri 09-Nov-18 13:16:47

sweeneytodd OP was there to support her DD first and foremost. MIL clearly doesn’t care about her DIL and is only upset that she didn’t get first “dibs” on the baby.

“It’s not fair! She met her first!” Is an utterly pathetic way for a middle aged woman to behave. The DD had just had major surgery, a new baby to care for and just wanted familiar and loving faces, not demanding in laws who frankly don’t give a shit about her and only want a “go” on the baby.

Figgygal Fri 09-Nov-18 13:17:01

Stay out of it but tbh I can see she's probably feeling hurt and that she's been treated differently to you.

LadyBathory Fri 09-Nov-18 13:17:21

I felt incredibly vulnerable after giving birth all I wanted was my mum, and they were going to have her round soon.

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