Daughters c section & MIL

[Ohmyohmyohmyohmy]

My daughter had a c section on Tuesday. She had an emergency so quite traumatic for her.
I was waiting for her in the side room, her DP was in with her, and saw her after she had been sewn up. All went well. She wanted me to stay at the hospital. She came home yesterday to find MIL waiting outside in her car. She’d been asked to wait until contacted to visit. They wanted to get settled in. I got a very upset phone call asking me to come round. When I got there MIL was arguing with DDP. He was angry that she had turned up unannounced, she was angry I’d been at the hospital and seen baby first.
My daughter has come home with me and baby, DDP is joining us this evening. She wants to stay here, with her DP and baby. It’s no problem, I have plenty of room.
What’s bothering me is she does not want contact with MIL, but I have MIL constantly texting and trying to call me, demanding to see her grandchild.
AIBU to block her number and ignore her? To me my daughters feelings come first right now, we can sort MIL out in a few days.

Wow! That silly woman, I can't believe she can't even think of other people before her own selfishness - it doesn't matter if she waited another hour just so the new parents can enjoy the first steps into their home as a three, let alone the clean up needed for your ooor DD - I'll bet the MiL is just pissy because she wasn't at the birth but think people like this forget you're there for your DD not to be first cuddler!! Argh !
Hope your DD/DP has a good night with their new baby

She turned up at her sons house just days after he feared for the life of his wife and child and HAD A ROW.

Anyone who thinks that is defensible behaviour needs to have a word with themselves.

OP was caring for her DD, MIL should have put her DS first. Not having a row with him over HIS baby FFS.

Unicycle. The mil did visit at the hospital. The OP was there for longer, as support for her daughter - not to see the baby. Baby was in NICU and they normally restrict visitors for infection reasons. So OP was really just there for DD, not to sit holding baby.

Oh and the MIL was allowed to see them at home, she had been asked to let them get home and settled before coming round. She decided to wait outside till they arrived and then argue with them (because obviously, arguing with new parents, one of which is still pp bleeding and in recovery from surgery, for so long they had to call for help, is a sign of someone who is really supportive).

Where does it say anywhere that the MIL visited in the hospital. Stop making shit up.

Your poor DD.

Less than 3 days into being a mother and her MIL has given her a barrage of abuse. WTF is her issue? She was told she could visit when they’d settled. Is she a bit thick and doesn’t understand what a c section is like?

I had a very fast and quite traumatic labour with my last baby, in the middle of the night, who was then immediately whisked to NICU and diagnosed later that day with Sepsis.

The ONLY person I had visit in those first 48 hours was my SIL - who’s a NICU nurse. I wanted her there because she’s excellent at her job and was able to calm and reassure me. At no point did my own siblings, ExHs other siblings, my MIL or my Dad (NC with my own mother for over a decade) complain.

Once we knew DD was stable we had other people pop in for short visits.

Hope Sunday’s visit goes well and MIL backs off. How often has she contacted you OP?

Some people aren't reading the updates.

MIL was told by the father that he'd invite her over about an hour after they got home.

Time for the mother to have a wee, shower, cup of tea.

Unreasonable for her to not wait ONE HOUR.

It was another poster yesterday who said the mil had visited the hospital so I assumed it had been in a previous OP post.
My mistake.
However the MIL is nuts and doesn't give a shot about the baby. If you are willing to put your needs over a new baby fresh out of NICU and someone who has gone through major surgery and is still bleeding and at a time when the mother child bonding is the biggest priority, then you are not a good person. If you then repeatedly hassle the person taking care of her daughter post op to moan about your treatment instead of apologising then you are showing how little you think of anyone else.

The misogyny on this thread is disturbing - saying the OP's daughter has treated her M-i-L awfully? Why haven't the same people said anything about the father of this baby treating his mother awfully?

He's the one who told her to wait and let them make themselves comfortable before coming round, who told her off for overstepping boundaries, he supported his postpartum wife going to her mother's and seems to have been something of a gatekeeper between his mother and his wife, and yet the vitriol is all reserved for the exhausted, emotional new mother who just seems to be trying to deal with her baby and her collapsing body as well as she can - oh, and the worried grandmother who just wants to make sure her own baby is OK and can do without jealous grandmother drama.

The new father sounds like a stand up bloke to me. He knows his mother and has clearly been trying to prevent what he knows from experience will be her unreasonable behaviour. Maybe give him some credit for a lifetime's experience with her instead of jumping into slagging off daughters-in-law?

Your dd can have who she wants at the birth.
The rest is politics which can be dealt with later.
If she’s being a pest just block for now.

Always blows my mind. To me if you are visiting after a new baby is born it is for two reasons. First for the visitor to provide support to the parents, help in any way and to congratulate them. Second it is for the visitor to get the newborn cuddles and meet the baby.
If you cannot provide the first and aware upsetting the parents then you are hurting the baby. The baby doesn’t care who visits when it’s little, it’s parents do and anyone who causes stress negatively affects that baby. Unfortunately the MIL is currently hurting her grandchild, by putting her needs first and not respecting her grandchild’s parents wishes. Ridiculously selfish in my opinion, the people who need support at the moment are the parents.
Difficult situation, I had similar with my MIL after the birth of dc2 and it hasn’t helped an already strained relationship and she is not close to either of my children.

The misogyny on this thread is disturbing - saying the OP's daughter has treated her M-i-L awfully? Why haven't the same people said anything about the father of this baby treating his mother awfully?

Well said, SharpLily. It's his issue, not the DIL's.

Testing
She stopped contacting me when her son spoke to her yesterday afternoon. I've left them to sort it out. Hopefully they will return home later this morning. Things are calmer here. Daughter much brighter. I gather Sunday tea is on. Cake and tea. So will leave them to it.

I feel very sorry for the MIL and understand she would have felt excluded. I also do not get this "my mum can be at the birth but my in laws have to wait a week to meet the baby" stuff that's on Mumsnet either. She has not handled it well and her emotions have got the better of her.

@crimsonlake - the mum being there is usually for support to the daughter giving birth! Baby is an extra bonus for the mum

in laws cannot always expect a pregnant woman to be keen for them to be there when at their must vulnerable and it's not a spectator sport ... they should just hang on and wait til it's convenient - I don't agree with waiting ages, a day or two is fine especially if the baby is in difficulty so in the NICU
Hanging on an hour is not a hardship it's polite to wait and not spoil something as important as first trip home with a brand new baby - also just hanging on til everyone is comfortable will make their first sight of their GC a memorable experience, not a bad experience for her too

Crimsonlake the mil is the one you feel sorry for in this situation? She has brought this on herself. If she had just waited 1 hour or so she would have met the baby, which I think is incredibly accomodating of the new parents given that they’ve just been through a traumatic birth.

It’s not about a preference for the maternal grandparents, it’s about a woman who has been through a painful and stressful ordeal needing the help and support of her mum. The mil sounds like she couldn’t give a damn about the mum here and all she cares about is meeting the new grandchild

@Ohmyohmyohmyohmy

I posted a couple of times yesterday and just wanted to come back and say you've come across like a fantastic supportive mum. Congratulations to your daughter on her new baby and I hope things are a bit smoother for all of you from here on.

Women giving birth don’t want their own mums there so she can be the first to hold baby.

Women who choose their birth partners choose the person they want to be there when’s they’re at their most vulnerable, and undignified and naked.

If a woman wants her own mum there at the birth of her baby that’s because she doesn’t mind her mum seeing her naked, throwing up, shitting herself, bleeding, crying, screaming and swearing. Because a lot of mothers would support their daughters.

A woman going thro childbirth can have whoever she wants with her and nobody gets to object on the grounds the baby she will give birth to is related to them and therefore should be equally shared.

A lot of MIL’s, especially the ones who want to be the focus of the birth of their gc, will not be supportive or a source of calm and reassurance for the DIL going thro the birth.

The DIL can choose who she wants around her during and immediately after the birth. Because she is recovering. It’s her body and her baby.

Sounds like DDP has the measure of his mum and was trying to protect his partner.

I had a CS 5 weeks ago - elective in my case, so I was sent home the next day. I was in a lot of pain at that point and after walking all the way round the hospital to the car, hauling myself in to the car, sitting for the journey and then hauling myself back out (all of which I found really painful), I wouldn't have been welcoming ANYONE waiting on my doorstep.

New babies are lovely and it's understandable that grandparents and family want to see them but in many cases the mother has just gone through considerable pain, trauma, surgery etc and I absolutely think her wishes about who she sees soon after birth take priority. I say that as someone who had my MIL to visit the day baby was born and the day I got home but who hasn't let my own mother near. It's not about the blood relationship specifically but about who mum feels comfortable with.

In this case, DD wanted her mum to support her giving birth and felt safer with her afterwards. That's just fine, IMO.

OP, your DD is really lucky to have a mum like you! I think you've handled this really well.

DP's ex behaved appallingly when their DGC was born, to the point where the mat ward staff threatened to have her removed by security (DIL had had a 48 hour labour followed by EMCS and was in a really bad way). Once they were home, she kept turning up, even after their son had given her the stern word and told her to back off.

It irrevocably damaged her relationship with DIL and was a factor in them splitting up 3 years later.

I'm still really shocked at a lot of the comments on here especially after the OP got the backstory from her SIL.

I would like to add 2 things because I saw it mentioned repeatedly that people don't understand because they didn't have a traumatic birth experience and/or an overbearing, controlling MIL.

We have one 6.5 month old daughter, I had a normal delivery and 8 hours later felt well enough to have my MIL, SIL, and the maternal great-grandparents come during visiting hours to meet her at the hospital.

This weekend my MIL has our daughter for 2 overnights so my husband and I can have some time together as a couple and so my in-laws can bond with our daughter. It's very important to me that our daughter has a close relationship with her grandparents on all sides.

But I still was always on the side of the OP's daughter and her husband because I have empathy. I know empathy isn't a natural quality in everyone but I still think anyone can teach themselves to put themselves in someone else's shoes.

Oh, I am glad it's all sorted now! For what it's worth, I think the days immediately before and after giving birth are a time when women are allowed to be irrational. The Mil has come on too strongly and needs to back off. No family member other than a parent has a right to see or interact with a new baby IMO, it's up to the parents to decide. You've done exactly the right thing by supporting your daughter. Congratulations on the birth of your new grandchild.

Unless you have an overbearing / controlling parent or in law, you probably won't understand where the op's daughter & partner is coming from

Honestly I wonder how I still allow my kids to have contact with my mil sometimes

When my eldest was born - emergency cs although not traumatic in any way - my dm & pil were told they could come for afternoon visiting. My dm arrived at start of visiting time & got to see & hold baby first.

Mil had strop in the car park & refused to come in & see her first grandchild. They came back that evening & she refused to hold the baby 🙄 have photos with every other family member & baby except her 🙄