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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters c section & MIL

305 replies

Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 13:03

My daughter had a c section on Tuesday. She had an emergency so quite traumatic for her.
I was waiting for her in the side room, her DP was in with her, and saw her after she had been sewn up. All went well. She wanted me to stay at the hospital. She came home yesterday to find MIL waiting outside in her car. She’d been asked to wait until contacted to visit. They wanted to get settled in. I got a very upset phone call asking me to come round. When I got there MIL was arguing with DDP. He was angry that she had turned up unannounced, she was angry I’d been at the hospital and seen baby first.
My daughter has come home with me and baby, DDP is joining us this evening. She wants to stay here, with her DP and baby. It’s no problem, I have plenty of room.
What’s bothering me is she does not want contact with MIL, but I have MIL constantly texting and trying to call me, demanding to see her grandchild.
AIBU to block her number and ignore her? To me my daughters feelings come first right now, we can sort MIL out in a few days.

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 09/11/2018 13:36

For all of those posters banging on about women banning visitors for a week or whatever, did you miss the part where OP said MIL was invited round that afternoon, once they had settled in at home?

The OP was at the birth for her daughter, as requested. I don't know anyone who wants to be surrounded by visitors straight after major surgery!

Maybe if MIL had said "sorry I just couldn't wait until later to see the little one" rather than complaining about OP seeing the baby first, it would've gone smoother?!
But someone (regardless of relation) who turns up uninvited, kicking off and arguing around a new born baby and someone recovering from major surgery deserves to be kicked out until they can act like a normal human being

JohnCRaven · 09/11/2018 13:37

Actually LucilleBluth

For gods sake, let the mother get over her trauma.

Nobody has the right to demand access to a new born. Let the new mum have time to bond with her child and process the trauma or PND will make new motherhood even more of a struggle than it already is.

AngelaSchrute · 09/11/2018 13:38

Lucille if she had acted like a reasonable human being she would have already met her grandchild.

Instead, she decided that venting her petty anger over OP meeting the baby first was more important.

Sexnotgender · 09/11/2018 13:38

I love my MIL, I really do but honestly if I’d had a traumatic labour then emergency section the only people I’d want visiting me would be my husband, my mum and my dad.

The mother’s health and wishes don’t become secondary because she’s had a baby. SHE is the patient.

She’ll be in pain, bleeding, hormonal as hell. Give her a fucking break with the whole it’s only fair bullshit.

AnonyMousee · 09/11/2018 13:39

@LucilleBluth so go against the parent of the newborns wishes, because MIL who hasn't been through traumatic surgery is the most important person in this situation?? Yeah great advice!! Hmm

Thesearmsofmine · 09/11/2018 13:39

It sounds like it has been blown out of proportion, mil was obviously excited to meet grandchild.
They could have invited her in for a while when they got home, got her to make a cup of tea while mum and baby sat on the sofa and then she could have a cuddle and go on her way. Instead it’s turned into a big argument that everyone will now always remember.

Justletmego · 09/11/2018 13:40

What a idiotic MIL, it won’t end well for her. I would stay out of it, you are supporting your daughter and her son can explain.

TonTonMacoute · 09/11/2018 13:41

I would definitely stay out of it, OP, and let DDP deal with his own mother. He seems to be doing a good job so far.

ivykaty44 · 09/11/2018 13:41

I didn’t ever feel close to my MIL but she visited me in hospital after an emergency c section, the day dd was born. But this was back in the day when visiting newborns was the norm

Original poster
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 13:43

Luicillebluth. DDP rang her and said they were leaving hospital and he would let her know when they had settled in. She could come and spend the afternoon there. She has seen her GC, but not in the circumstances that it should have been.

OP posts:
KC225 · 09/11/2018 13:43

For everyone saying block, tell her to 'f' off - this is not going to go away. She is the MIL, short of going NC she is going to be around for a long time. The best thing you can do for your daughter now is to try and smooth things over or this will get worse and cause more stress and drama.

As much as I think the woman was insensitive and selfish, I think you should phone her and say calmly - DD didn't have the birth experience she was hoping and so needs a little calm for recuperation. As others have said, insist you are there for your DD and to ensure she doesn't get stressed or upset.

Acknowledge that you know she wants to see the baby but suggest she gives it a few days as no one wants a repeat of what happened an the home coming. Say, you will send updates and photos (will DD/DSIL permission) over the next couple of days but ask her to give your DD a bit of space.

PanamaPattie · 09/11/2018 13:43

Bad behaviour should not be rewarded. MIL was asked to wait to be contacted. She turned up uninvited and caused a scene. All MIL had to do was wait for a phone call. Instead she ambushed the new parents and upset them, making it all about her. MIL may have to wait for some time to see the new baby if she continues to upset everyone.

AngelaSchrute · 09/11/2018 13:44

Thesearmsofmine, on the other hand, there would have been no arguments if MIL had simply waited.

Sexnotgender · 09/11/2018 13:44

I didn’t ever feel close to my MIL but she visited me in hospital after an emergency c section, the day dd was born. But this was back in the day when visiting newborns was the norm

Fantastic, good for you.

Do you perhaps realise that not everyone’s situation is the same and perhaps this new mother could be allowed to make her own decision at the time in her life she most likely feels more vulnerable than she ever has before?

Thesearmsofmine · 09/11/2018 13:45

I also think your daughter staying at yours is going to make it a whole lot worse tbh. Imagine if you were mil, you would be feeling really pushed out, your daughter and her partner need to speak to mil and say let’s not argue at such a special time, we would love you to come and meet your grandchild at our house this afternoon. Wipe the slate clean.

user1471426142 · 09/11/2018 13:45

I think there is such a difference between parents who want to see their daughter versus in-laws who generally want to see the baby. It is often not about who meets the baby first but who the mother is likely to be most comfortable with. It wasn’t like she was asked to wait long. A new baby is gorgeous and lovely whether you see them on day 1 of day 10. I really don’t understand the desperate rush to be there instantly whether the mother is in a fit state to see visitors or not. With my own children I’d want them to know I’d be there for them when they needed me and not make the whole thing about me as a grandparent.

greendale17 · 09/11/2018 13:46

Do not engage with her. She will just twist it any.

diddl · 09/11/2018 13:47

Now anyone who has seen me post knows that I'm not a MIL fan, but come on "we're on our way home we'll phone again when you can visit".

Wtf didn't he just phone she she could visit?

I agree with a pp that it seems to have all been blown out of proportion.

Imsoimso · 09/11/2018 13:49

Where the Mum feels safe and supported is a priority. She shouldn't have to not go to her Mum's because her MIL is going to feel put out.

Seniorschoolmum · 09/11/2018 13:49

The MIL has met & held her gc.

Now block her. Your job is to support & protect your daughter. Ddp’s job Is to deal with his mother.

AngelaSchrute · 09/11/2018 13:49

I'm sure they thought it was a nice thing to keep her updated, diddl.

Imsoimso · 09/11/2018 13:49

They didn't phone when she could visit because she was already sitting outside the house!

Original poster
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 13:50

Thesearmsofmine. Yes I totally agree, whilst they are welcome, I feel it’s not helping matters. I’ve spoken to DD about it. She’s very tearful and upset that the homecoming they had wanted was spoilt. Her birth didn’t go to plan, then baby was away from her, and now this. She’s very emotional. However DSIL is trying to sort out his mother. And I am suggesting they stay here tonight and maybe go home tomorrow. Maybe a little sleep will smooth the waters.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 09/11/2018 13:51

"Poor DD, she's absolutely shattered after the birth, and still reeling from the traumatic emergency c section. We're helping your DS to get her stronger, you must be proud of how he's so quickly adapted to being a DF and taking care of his family.
Such a shame things went so wrong the other day. I completely understand how desperate you were to see our new grandchild, but I'm sure you know realise how overwhelmed the kids both were.
Why don't you pop round here for a coffee in the morning? Clear the air and put bad feelings behind us. Would be lovely to see you about 11?"

Imsoimso · 09/11/2018 13:52

If you've had lovely parents and inlaws it's probably impossible to understand. But if you have had freakily possessive parents in my case, it's very easy to understand the stress they can put you through.

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