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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters c section & MIL

305 replies

Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 13:03

My daughter had a c section on Tuesday. She had an emergency so quite traumatic for her.
I was waiting for her in the side room, her DP was in with her, and saw her after she had been sewn up. All went well. She wanted me to stay at the hospital. She came home yesterday to find MIL waiting outside in her car. She’d been asked to wait until contacted to visit. They wanted to get settled in. I got a very upset phone call asking me to come round. When I got there MIL was arguing with DDP. He was angry that she had turned up unannounced, she was angry I’d been at the hospital and seen baby first.
My daughter has come home with me and baby, DDP is joining us this evening. She wants to stay here, with her DP and baby. It’s no problem, I have plenty of room.
What’s bothering me is she does not want contact with MIL, but I have MIL constantly texting and trying to call me, demanding to see her grandchild.
AIBU to block her number and ignore her? To me my daughters feelings come first right now, we can sort MIL out in a few days.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 09/11/2018 13:52

I'd let her son manage her. She sounds like a spoilt brat but getting involved might make things worse.

Imsoimso · 09/11/2018 13:53

Example. I was in theatre being sewn up and recovering from anaesthetic. My MY MY baby was wheeled to the ward and my mother whipped her out of the cot to be the first to hold her?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/11/2018 13:54

I think I'd just keep saying you're not trying to compete with her for grandchilds time - at the moment your primary concern is being there to support your daughter after her traumatic birth. It's not about the grandkid and there will be plenty of time for you both to get to know them once your daughter is better.

It's tempting to block etc but I'd try and keep the peace for the sake of my daughter and son in law. Not saying that's right just what I'd do!

Original poster
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 13:54

Gazelda. I like that suggestion. After all a little sleep may put things in perspective. A new day as they say.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/11/2018 13:54

Is there a backstory to this OP? Is MIL not very nice? Does your DD not like her anyway? If not then I can understand why MIL is feeling left out tbh. She shouldn't have turned up to the house I agree but from what you've written about her she doesn't deserve to be dealt with like this.

Thesearmsofmine · 09/11/2018 13:55

Thesearmsofmine, on the other hand, there would have been no arguments if MIL had simply waited.

I agree and she should have waited but she didn’t so rather than having an argument at a time when you are already feeling vulnerable, I think it would preferable to deal with the situation and instead get MIL making herself useful.

My first c section was a GA and my in-laws came into recovery and held my child before I did, so I am used to in-laws overstepping the line but over the years I have found at times it is easier to pick your battles.

gilmoregal · 09/11/2018 13:55

I had an emergency section, it was a 'proper' emergency in that our lives were in danger. My husband was already with me as we were on the induction suite and I was in active labour so he hadn't been asked to leave. He phoned my Mum straight away and she was there by the time I woke up. It wasn't so she could see her new grandchild it was so she could see her child after an emergency surgery. Also I'm 30 but I did want my Mum.

MIL is being ridiculous and isn't thinking about how you and your daughter feel and is just thinking about her needs.

Congratulations to you all.

AngelaSchrute · 09/11/2018 13:55

Honestly, OP, if I were you I would focus on your daughters wants and needs right now rather than worrying about petty nonsense.

If you DD wants to be with you (and you are happy with them staying, obviously) then let her.

Kolo · 09/11/2018 13:55

I think I’d leave it to your son in law to sort out. Sounds like he is able to put his wife and new baby’s needs first.

I had a traumatic emergency section with my first child and I’d have really loved my mum to be there, but wouldn’t really want anyone else! Especially not someone just banging on about fairness of seeing the baby. I was very fragile after it.

Imsoimso · 09/11/2018 13:55

My mother actually wanted to be the one to hold my baby before me! Gratefully, I had held my beautiful baby for about 20 minutes and started to initiate breastfeeding before my mother got her claws onto her.

MoaningSickness · 09/11/2018 13:57

I don't really get all this "my mum can be at the birth but my in laws have to wait a week to meet the baby"

I don't really get how people can't understand that a woman in a vulnerable state might be more comfortable with her own mother than a woman she only knows through someone else and is not even friends with.

Satsumaeater · 09/11/2018 14:00

Yes. My mum was there when I gave birth. Why shouldn't she be? I am her daughter, have done all the hard work of pregnancy and giving birth and I get to say who is there!

Mums of sons have given birth themselves. They should be able to accept that new mums may want their own mum with them.

My in laws did wait about a week to meet ds, actually it was probably closer to 2 weeks. But my dad didn't meet him until he was about 4 weeks old so it was swings and roundabouts. It shouldn't be a competition.

CalamityJane10 · 09/11/2018 14:00

I feel so sorry for the MIL.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 09/11/2018 14:01

The thing is though and I get you don't want people staring out at you when you come home from hospital especially with a new baby.
However she is like you the baby's nan. Some would say. "if you're there why shouldn't I be" fair and reasonable comment, I suppose
. Put the boot on the other foot and your son and his wife had a baby. Youd want to be involved as much as the maternal grandmother, wouldn't you.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/11/2018 14:01

I think some people just see mum as a grandchild producing vessel

Smallplant · 09/11/2018 14:01

God there's some awful advice given out on this site. "Block her number", "don't reward bad behaviour".. that's her husband's mum!! They invited her to come round that afternoon to see the baby, and she did so! It's annoying that she was sat waiting instead of waiting to be called, but hardly crime of the century. The woman is excited to see her grandchild. Instead it's been blown out of all proportion.

I can only assume the posters giving this terrible advice are the same ones that say if a family member pops by for a visit unannounced, just don't answer the door until they get the message (especially if, god forbid, they're in laws!). You lot are lucky to have family who still want to see you, the way you treat them.

Yes it was very thoughtless for her to be waiting there outside instead of waiting for her cue, but you don't need to "do" anything. This is a loving parent of your daughter's husband, and now grandparent (unless there's a huge dripfeed backstory about past bad behaviour). She's excited. Let the woman pop in for an hour and see her son and grandchild. Or, you know, punish her for her bad behaviour by refusing to let her visit, and cause a family fued.... But one option is a lot more sensible than the other.

Original poster
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 14:02

The irony of all this is, that I have only held baby once. I’ve been there for my daughter, helped her to the bathroom, showered her, helped her dress and now wiping her tears. The baby is theirs, I’ve had my time with my own babies. I do understand MIL feelings, of course it’s her grandchild too. I’m just doing the best I can for my baby. And right now it’s hard. She’s so upset, crying, in pain and not even in her own bed. I don’t know what to do for the best.

Thank you all for your kindness

OP posts:
Frenchsticker · 09/11/2018 14:04

imsoimso I can sympathise because my MIL was exactly like this. If I walked around with newborn DD on my shoulder she would follow us around the house. If DD woke up in her cot and cried MIL would try and race me to be the first to pick her up. When we left the house after a visit she would sob as if someone was taking her baby away.

Backstory is that she always wanted lots of kids but only had one. Had become so obsessed with the children she didn’t have that it was like when her DC were born she thought of them as her own children. We’re not NC but contact is definitely down to a minimum.

Barbie222 · 09/11/2018 14:05

I'm totally with you - this is one of those times when she has to accept she has a son not a daughter in play here and she's going to have to take a step back.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/11/2018 14:05

OP is there a backstory here?? Unless there is the MIL has been treated unfairly and has every right to be upset.

Can you answer me please?

Bluelady · 09/11/2018 14:08

It seems to be the baby's dad who's caused all this drama. What need was there to call and say they were leaving the hospital? If they'd just gone home and let MiL know when they were ready for her to visit all this would have been avoided.

Please encourage your daughter not to let this escalate, it seems as if she'll listen to you. Hopefully they'll agree to draw a line under it and start again.

AngelaSchrute · 09/11/2018 14:09

You sound like a great mum OP.

Just listen to your DD and let her partner deal with the rest.

Original poster
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 14:09

Greatduckcookery. As far as I am aware there has been nothing in the past that has happened to cause this. DD & SIL have known each other for about three years. She’s seen MIL frequently but not regularly. Worked full time until last week. So weekends spent together, he visited his mother she saw me. Odd times they’ve been out for dinner on birthdays. She’s never complained to me about her MIL. I am really at a loss to be honest.

OP posts:
Smallplant · 09/11/2018 14:10

a woman she only knows through someone else and is not even friends with.

A perfect summary of how some women on Mumsnet view mother-in-law's Grin Amazing. It really seems like satire, but it's not.

Back in the real world, some people don't hate their husbands mum. Some people consider marriage to be the joining of two families, and don't view their in laws as hostile strangers they're "not even friends with". Mumsnet is like a different planet about this topic though. Fantastic quote Grin love it.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/11/2018 14:11

Why do grandparents think they have a right to meet the baby immediately? Yes I get that they are excited and I think it is lovely to meet them as soon as possible if the mother feels up to it. But how the mother feels is crucial - if she is not up to it, why should she force herself to do it just to please someone else? Priority should be mum and baby's health first. It's a really personal thing and just because for some people they bounced back and were happy for visitors, why do they think that everyone will be?

We didn't have this issue as my in laws live in a different country. But I had awful long births, complications, massive blood loss and anaemia etc etc and other than my mum I couldn't have coped with anyone visiting - even members of my own family. I didn't want them to see me collapsing / pissing myself / having to be helped to be washed / crying constantly etc. I would have felt embarrassed and humiliated. I'm sure they would have been as well. It would have stressed me out. But according to some people I should have just done it because grandparents have rights to see newborns