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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughters c section & MIL

305 replies

Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 13:03

My daughter had a c section on Tuesday. She had an emergency so quite traumatic for her.
I was waiting for her in the side room, her DP was in with her, and saw her after she had been sewn up. All went well. She wanted me to stay at the hospital. She came home yesterday to find MIL waiting outside in her car. She’d been asked to wait until contacted to visit. They wanted to get settled in. I got a very upset phone call asking me to come round. When I got there MIL was arguing with DDP. He was angry that she had turned up unannounced, she was angry I’d been at the hospital and seen baby first.
My daughter has come home with me and baby, DDP is joining us this evening. She wants to stay here, with her DP and baby. It’s no problem, I have plenty of room.
What’s bothering me is she does not want contact with MIL, but I have MIL constantly texting and trying to call me, demanding to see her grandchild.
AIBU to block her number and ignore her? To me my daughters feelings come first right now, we can sort MIL out in a few days.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/11/2018 14:23

It often surprises me how bad mother in laws behave after the birth of a first grand child

This is a MN thing though. In RL from my own experience with DIL and those of many different friends and acquaintances I have yet to come across this type of behaviour.

tangoed2 · 09/11/2018 14:23

Also who the hell takes a newborn off it's traumatised mum to pacify any grandparent on either side! Absolutely ridiculous idea.

EdisonLightBulb · 09/11/2018 14:25

I actually think it is unreasonable that she couldn't have had a half hour slot to meet the baby either Wednesday or yesterday in hospital. If she had been allowed, then she wouldn't have been waiting outside the house chomping at the bit for them to come home, which I agree is not what you want when you just get home with a new baby.

I would be pretty devastated if I couldn't see my DS's baby for just ten minutes in the first few days. I also have a daughter, so can see both sides, but I think it is pretty mean to deny her an introduction at least.

LightDrizzle · 09/11/2018 14:25

God! I haven’t had a C-section, but I’ve had my appendix out and seen friends post-hysterectomy and C-section. That first car journey is agony, every bloody sleeping policeman and bump tenses the abdominal muscles. I can just imagine your DD pulling up at the house to see a car, and having to get out of her own car seat (more agony) and instead of being able to shuffle to the nearest sofa and recover, she’s supposed to host and hand her recently NICUd baby over?
For all those banging on about MIL being shut out, she was due to see them that very afternoon, she just didn’t like having to wait for the call. What a cow! Irrespective of her relationship to anyone. I wouldn’t treat anyone like that. She is very foolish. Her son will not forget it, let alone her DIL.

PanamaPattie · 09/11/2018 14:26

I think I would be pissed of with ANYONE sitting in a car waiting for me to come home with my baby. Selfish and insensitive.

MoaningSickness · 09/11/2018 14:27

Back in the real world, some people don't hate their husbands mum. Some people consider marriage to be the joining of two families, and don't view their in laws as hostile strangers they're "not even friends with". Mumsnet is like a different planet about this topic though. Fantastic quote grin love it.

Wtf? I never said anything about 'hating' MILs, just that they're not necessarily friends.

'hostile strangers'?? Again, made up by you, not me. I don't know anyone who has that relationship with in laws. I do know lots (the majority) who get on with their in-laws without being close friends and are certainly not comfortable with them in an intimate/embarassing situation like they would their own mother.

gilmoregal · 09/11/2018 14:27

I don’t have a brilliant relationship with my MIL but I would never ever have told she she couldn’t come to see her grandchild when my mum could, I do think that’s disrespectful to my husband.

It's about her Mum being there for her rather than about who gets to see grandchild first.

My Mum met my son before I did, so definitely before MIL did because my husband called her as I'm her daughter and I was having emergency surgery.

Original poster
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 14:27

Tangoed2 yes was totally gobsmacked by this suggestion.

I’m looking after my daughter, keeping out of the conversation with SIL and his mother. Put my phone on silent. And making a nice cup of tea. Probably laced with brandy.

OP posts:
Smallplant · 09/11/2018 14:28

MoaningSickness

Barely even worth replying to you but.... I obviously meant, about the daughter, that's her husband's mum. Use your brain.

So no, the daughter probably wouldn't appreciate the OP blocking MIL number. As that is her husband's mum. Unless you want to stir up an unnecessary family fued for your DD just after she has given birth. In which case go ahead.

MrsStrowman · 09/11/2018 14:28

This MIL sounds aggressive and selfish, but MILs do get a bad rap on here. Mine is lovely and will certainly be invited to see DS as soon as DM and DF are (will depend on how bad the birth is but if not the same day the day after is likely) , my PIL have been lovely to me and will be just as concerned about me as seeing the baby, also it's not just my baby it is DHs too and he might want his parents support as much as I want mine.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 09/11/2018 14:29

Firstly, you Dd and her partner should go to their house and settle in as a family if they want, you should stay there.

Honestly staying somewhere else with the anxiety you've said she has may only male her want to stay there long term.

Secondly, the Mil needs a few days away from them. They all need space to ca down from this and she needs to realise she can't just demand things from them.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 09/11/2018 14:31

@Calamityjac no one said the mil couldn't visit. They just asked for and hour or two at home first to settle down after being in hospital.

Was it really that hard for her to respect their space for 2 hours?!

stickytoffeepuddingandicecream · 09/11/2018 14:31

All MIL wants to do is meet her new GC

Yes, with zero thought or consideration for the woman who has just gone through a traumatic birth to deliver the new grandchild.

GiantKitten · 09/11/2018 14:33

YANBU & MIL needs to calm down. Being a grandmother isn't a competition & she'll be much more popular in future if she doesn't have a tantrum over a perceived slight. Does she have form for this? Is that why baby's dad didn't want her at the hospital?

(I'm stunned though that after a traumatic emergency CS, with baby going to NICU on Tuesday, they're sent home on Thursday! Is that standard now? That's shocking. I had several non-emergency CSs in the 80s & 90s, & always stayed in a week.)

notmyfinest · 09/11/2018 14:37

I don't have the best of relationships with my mil but no way would I have excluded her from visiting her first grandchild.

She is behaving badly though but the tale you tell is one of exclusion.

Original poster
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 14:38

Giant kitten, apparently so. I too was shocked. The lady opposite went home after staying in overnight.

OP posts:
Frenchsticker · 09/11/2018 14:39

The MIL here sounds awful but I think a problem with a lot of MILs/DMs is that the passage of time means they've forgotten what it's like to give birth. They remember how lovely it was to come home with a baby but not how grim they felt after having one.

Add to that 30 years ago C-sections were probably a lot less common. So it really needs to be spelled out how tough it is to have a C-section and particularly how traumatising it is to have an ECMS when, let's face it, it's an emergency for a reason - because they are worried the baby might die. On top of that, because you're in hospital a few days, the day you arrive home coincides exactly with the baby blues when everything reduces you to tears and feels like a catastrophe.

OP it's not you that needs to say that to her though, it's your DD's partner.

Cherries101 · 09/11/2018 14:40

You need to stay out of it tbh. You are only deemed better than the MIL at the moment because your DD, presumably, needs someone to help her wee and poo and get dressed and for some reason her DP can’t do that. In another situation your DD or her DP might think the MIL is better. If you get in the middle of that relationship now you always will be.

Santaispolishinghissleigh · 09/11/2018 14:40

Hands up anyone who would pack a 3 day old baby off to see mil???
Fucking nil I expect.

Some people are beyond words.

HollowTalk · 09/11/2018 14:41

I think women are allowed out of hospital far too soon after a CS. My friend's had her gallbladder removed and was in two nights and she's able to rest fully without having to care for a baby. When I had my children you stayed in for a week with a CS and visits were twice a day - that was a far better thing, I think, than coming home and having to deal with housework and non-stop visitors.

Cherries101 · 09/11/2018 14:42

Your DD needed to handle this better tbh. Arguing with your DP’s mum because she came a few hours earlier than agreed is idiotic behaviour. I appreciate it could be hormonal but this is where a decent mum might have said, okay love calm down lets get you inside a cuppa tea and me and mil can help you out.

Happyandshiney · 09/11/2018 14:47

To be honest I don’t really think this is about the OP or her DD, it’s about her SIL managing his Mum better.

This really all seems avoidable. My own PIL need managed carefully.

We’ve got much better at it over the years, mostly they don’t even realised they have been managed.

isitthehormones · 09/11/2018 14:48

Goodness, this is not what anyone needs right now. OP I’d focus on your daughter as you are doing, she sounds lucky to have you.

I have had two planned c-sections and even knowing what was coming with the second it’s very overwhelming. And the pain is something else at points. Big big knickers, a spare pillow to put over the scar for any coughing, sneezing or laughing (hopefully there will be some soon), some comfy PJ’s / nightie and extra pillows to be propped up in bed, I couldn’t sleep flat for a couple of weeks.

Wishing you all a calm few days and massive congratulations to you all on the new arrival Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/11/2018 14:48

If MIL wanted to "help out" Cherries, she'd have called and checked it was a suitable time to show up. She didn't. She showed no consideration for the OP's DD, the one who'd been through traumatic emergency surgery, and thankfully OP's son in law agreed.

There's nothing idiotic about what she did at all, don't be daft. Idiotic is showing up unannounced and having a go at brand new parents one of whom will have been incredibly uncomfortable and in need of some rest.

I appreciate it could be hormonal Charming Hmm

The husband felt exactly the same, are you blaming his hormones too?

Original poster
Ohmyohmyohmyohmy · 09/11/2018 14:52

Cherries. Firstly it was my DDP who argued with his mother.

Secondly the decent mum wasn’t there. I was at my home.

Did you read any of the thread?

As with many of you on here, my concern is my daughter. Not a grown woman who should know better. In saying that I have kept well out of any discussions with her. That is my DDP job.

OP posts: