Daughters c section & MIL

[Ohmyohmyohmyohmy]

My daughter had a c section on Tuesday. She had an emergency so quite traumatic for her.
I was waiting for her in the side room, her DP was in with her, and saw her after she had been sewn up. All went well. She wanted me to stay at the hospital. She came home yesterday to find MIL waiting outside in her car. She’d been asked to wait until contacted to visit. They wanted to get settled in. I got a very upset phone call asking me to come round. When I got there MIL was arguing with DDP. He was angry that she had turned up unannounced, she was angry I’d been at the hospital and seen baby first.
My daughter has come home with me and baby, DDP is joining us this evening. She wants to stay here, with her DP and baby. It’s no problem, I have plenty of room.
What’s bothering me is she does not want contact with MIL, but I have MIL constantly texting and trying to call me, demanding to see her grandchild.
AIBU to block her number and ignore her? To me my daughters feelings come first right now, we can sort MIL out in a few days.

I think her son should deal with it so its clear any decisions have been made by the new parents. Hope your daughter and new baby are doing well.

Speak to her and reassure her that she’ll see the baby very soon. Explain that you were there as support for your daughter (we still want our mums even when we’re grown up) and that it wasn't about seeing the baby first. She's thinking from her point of view and is feeling pushed out. In her mind, if you can be around why can't she? She needs to try and see things from another perspective and be reassured that it's not a case of playing favourites, it’s just about giving your daughter what she needs after a tricky birth. I think blocking her will cause more upset. She's been unreasonable but that doesn't mean you can't show her a bit of reasurrance.

I don’t think there’s much chance of her listening to you. She sounds very jealous of your involvement and she’d probably interpret any request of yours for time/space as wanting to keep your new DGC all to yourself.

Your daughter’s partner really needs to step up here and tell his mother to back off a bit. It’s his responsibility, not yours or your daughter’s. She’s his mother. Ignore her phone calls and messages and concentrate on your DD and DGC. And do your best to shield your DD from this conflict - this time with a newborn is so precious, and she won’t want to look back on years to come and remember how her MIL spoiled it for her.

Congratulations to you all on the new arrival!

As to whether she should have let MIL come to visit in hospital, if she'd had a traumatic birth/emergency, was sore and exhausted, and has a MIL who sounds difficult (I highly doubt she's been entirely laid back and reasonable up until now) then I can well understand OP's daughter wanting to wait till they are back home and settled and in an environment she can control. It seems like the plan was for MIL to come over later that day when they got home, but instead she was waiting to pounce when they had just arrived, when they were both presumably exhausted and looking forward to walking into their home with their new baby for the first time.

I'm usually on the more relaxed scale of things like having visitors on these threads, but OP's daughter's initial actions seem entirely reasonable to me. She was going to be invited round the day they got home, but she kicked up such a fuss and arrived uninvited – behaviour like that shouldn't be rewarded as she'll just do it again and again.

My mother dragged out of me just like this and it escalated into me developing PND. Basically I had my aunt, a midwife as my birthing partner person. She has a cool head and is kind and caring. My mother never forgave me. I too was an emergency c-section. My aunt was lovely throughout but my mother kept trying to get my baby. It was like something out of a horror film. In the hospital, when I returned home, she immediately wanted to whisk my baby off me. I went NC with her as I couldn't cope, so she'd find me in a supermarket and follow me around the shop trying to get my baby. It was horrific and I used to end up with panic attacks and crying and still she persisted.
Please protect your daughter from that.

Och aye SmallPlant, since YOU felt fine to receive visitors after your c-section then of course EVERYONE must have identical births to yours and should immediately get the kettle on, the selfish cows.

I love my MIL, she's ace, but I wouldn't have wanted her there when I was coming round from my general anaesthetic after having DS although I'd have loved my mum to be there.

She sounds unhinged.

I’m feeling charitable today so I’d suggest you throw her a life ring in the form of a phone call.
I’d give her a ring and explain that you understand she is anxious to see her grandchild but the birth was very traumatic and if she doesn’t want to completely ruin her relationship with her son and grandchild she needs to calm the fuck down and back off for 5 minutes. If she persisted I’d block her and if she was crazy enough to show up at my home to harass my child there I’d phone the police to have her forcibly removed.

Your poor daughter. I would simply block the number and disconnect the house phone. Perhaps first, send a message saying that all the stress is not good for the baby or your daughter, you understand she's eager to see the baby but she'll have to wait until the babies parents are both well enough to decide what to do.

I guess from her reaction, she's not very stable. Most people would understand that a woman who is recovering from surgery and getting used to motherhood needs support, not to be walked over.

(And yes, I had a C-section and would have happily had my mil visit with my parents).

MIL is clearly forgetting that this has been major surgery for your DD, an emergency one st that. She’s been through a lot having major surgery, surely in pain and wants her mum. DP is going his best to support that. Add getting used to a new baby - focus is not on MIL and her needs.

MIL needs reminding you DD just had major surgery. She is recovering, hence why she is with you. Let MIL know that when your DD is up for visitors, DDP will contact MIL to organise. Let her know you’re tending to your DD and please do not call again as it is causing unnecessary noise in the house waking the baby, disturbing your DD and causing anxiety. If it doesn’t stop, you’ll have no choice but to block MIL number until such time as MIL acts reasonable.

No wonder DDP wants to stay at your house. I only hope MIL doesn’t show up on your doorstep.

I’m afraid I agree with Small why wasn’t MIL invited to the hospital?

My friend’s Mum wasn’t allowed to visit her DS, DIL and GC for two weeks after the baby was born while the DILs entire family visited. My friend’s Mum widely held held tongue but she was understandably very, very hurt and I don’t think her relationship with her DIL will ever really recover.

I had an emergency section with twins. I didn’t really want visitors at the hospital but both sets came briefly, admired the babies, took pictures and left. They did the same the day we came home. Everyone happy.

Unless there is some massive backstory I don’t see why your DD and SIL aren’t finding a compromise that works for everyone. All this arguing seems completely unnecessary and more distressing to your DD than a 30 min visit.

I can't explain my mother's behaviour other than that she had suffered a lot of miscarriages and this was her first grandchild and I think in some insane way she felt my baby was hers.

Fucking hell you've shown restraint.

I was my DDs Birth Partner and if anyone had have pulled that stunt, I'd have skull ragged them out of her house.

The Mil should have reasoned out why the new Parents wanted space and certainly shouldn't have argued about it, when your DD is recovering and no doubt her Son is still in shock.

I've had situation were I would have loved to continue with my point. I wanted to be Godmother to my youngest GC. But I've had to grow up and realise its not about me.

It's part of being a proper Adult, which you certainly should be once you are a Grandmother.

How very upsetting, good that the do isn’t letting MIL come between this family.

DD & DP made the decision to have no visitors as DD was very distressed, baby went to NICU for the night, and they were exhausted. It was a long labour. I went home to bed, and didn’t visit until Thursday when I bought in clothes for DD and baby. They weren’t expecting to stay in.

I have sent her some pictures, that was a nice idea.
I have suggested that maybe when things calm down she can come here to see baby. But please let the baby’s father arrange it with her.

I don't understand the rush to see the baby the minute they're born, it has always baffled me that people want to run and cuddle them as soon as they're here. They're not going anywhere and waiting a day or two won't bloody hurt; but it may make the parents life that much easier.

I'd give her a call and explain your daughter has just had a traumatic surgery and she needs some TLC right now, not added stress.

I feel so sorry for your daughter. She’s just had a traumatic birth and is recovering from major surgery, can mil not see that? It’s not about who has met the baby first, I’m sure your primary motive is to look after your daughter whereas it sounds like mil couldn’t give two hoots about her, just meeting the baby. I’d just text her and tell her to calm down and respect the parents wishes. Don’t engage in any more contact with her. She can wait until your daughter is ready.

I love my MIL but I wouldn't want to see her immediately after a surgery or when I'm ill. The only people I'd want would be DH, my DC and my mum. Not my dad or my siblings, just my mum. You weren't there to meet the baby, your own baby needed you. It's a shame for MIL but she's really shooting herself in the foot.

Happyandshiney In my case it's a level that feels monstrous. It's not just them wanting to see the newborn, it's a sense of ownership of the baby. That's what freaked me out and I suspect it's the same for the OP.

This is something for her to sort with her son. What does she want you to do exactly, tell your daughter she can’t stay because then you’re spending too much time with DGC? prise the baby out of your DD’s arms and hand to MIL? Even if you thought your daughter and SIL were being totally unreasonable, it’s not for you to sort and she should realise that.

If I were you I’d double check with SIL, and then if she texts again just calmly say something like “SIL will keep you updated and arrange any visits.” And then leave it.

MIL wasn't asked to wait long, the baby was born on Tuesday and she was due to see the baby on Thursday afternoon. This is perfectly reasonable, not everyone likes visitors when they are in hospital, you can feel very vulnerable in hospital. Seeing you Mum is not the same

Ffs babies aren't cream cakes - they don't go off in a few days!! Next week it will still be a baby!!
Your dd was a patient having major surgery. You supported her, mil has shown her true colours imo.
You need to keep on the ball regarding your ds's future treatment by mil.
So glad her dp is on side - as he should be.

What's your DDs relationship like with her MIL in general? Are there problems or so they usually get on well?

I think I would ignore/block her and let your daughter’s partner deal with her, that avoids any risk of miscommunication or accusations against you. Your role is to support your daughter and you shouldn’t be having to handle all this crap at the same time.

I don't understand - DDP told MiL she could come round the afternoon they got home, she came round and was waiting, but she shouldn't have done that?

For gods sake, let the woman meet her grandchild.