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Original poster

**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

210 replies

TheFriend · 19/09/2021 16:31

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 19/09/2021 16:34

I hope she does.

She’s absolutely disgusting.

I’m surprised you even need to think about whether to cut contact with her.

FleasInMyKnees · 19/09/2021 16:39

Unless you inform her employer or professional body then how would her employers know, is she likely to tell them herself? I wouldn't stay friends with them,, their friends and family may also distance themselves.

PinkFootstool · 19/09/2021 16:39

No, she don't as long as she's declaring it. She isn't in a job where his convictions are necessarily relevant to her day job, as she's not in a position where she's, say, got access to children one on one. However, if she's not declared it, that's a huge issue of integrity.

PinkFootstool · 19/09/2021 16:41

And I would NOT have this woman or her partner in my life. I'd also tell her why, and tell her to come find me when she comes to her senses....

Mamamamasaurus · 19/09/2021 16:57

I wouldn't have either of them around my DC or myself. She wasn't around at the time but thyw must have had decent enough evidence. He's on the SO register for life. That would be enough for me to cut the friend out of my life.

Gazelda · 19/09/2021 17:05

He'd recently moved to the area.
He was convicted of making and distributing images of child abuse. I can't believe he hasn't served time in prison.
He uses a false surname.

What else has he been hiding?

I'd end the friendship. He simply can't be trusted and neither can she.

From what I recall regarding enhanced DBS, she will need to declare that she lives with someone who has this conviction. As she works with vulnerable people, I'd guess her job is at risk.

Shutthelightoff · 19/09/2021 17:18

I think her job is the last thing you should worry about! She’s marrying a peadophile!

PinkFootstool · 19/09/2021 17:18

@Gazelda I work in the CJS and have for 20yrs - not many users of indecent images go to jail. "Making" can also relate to sharing an image between people, it's not necessarily taking a first person photograph or video. I'm not defending the behaviour, just explaining the legal differences and why those charges would have been laid.

CorrBlimeyGG · 19/09/2021 17:20

On the information given, her job is not at risk. That would only apply if she worked directly with children under 8, for instance in a nursery.

Women are not held accountable for the criminal actions of their partner. Imagine what a slippery slope that would be.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 19/09/2021 17:24

No idea, but she would never see me or my family again. I can think of no extenuating circumstances or excusees that would make this type of conviction palatable as part of someones history and as such a good choice as a life partner. So I think she is at best gullible and at worst and apologist.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 19/09/2021 17:27

How in the hell or high water can she be with him and accept this?! Have you asked her?

SpeedRunParent · 19/09/2021 18:04

@TheFriend

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

Absolutely, cut off contact. It would make me sick to have her anywhere near my children, knowing she could sleep with a sexual abuser of children. There is something very wrong with a woman that does that.
Mandalordeloris · 19/09/2021 18:13

You're never going to find out the who, what, where, when and why of his conviction. Neither will she TBH. She only has his side of the story, which she has accepted and believed.

Partners convictions are not necessarily considered on a DBS check, unless she would be working in her own home. Or there was information to suggest she was implicit in his offending.

You are allowed to end a friendship because you don't like their partner, you don't need anyone's permission to cut her off because of who she has chosen to go out with.

Original poster
TheFriend · 19/09/2021 18:15

The reason we haven't cut her off yet is that they were telling people at a gathering this morning. We didn't stay for long.

DH and I are still reeling and we don't think it is appropriate to have a conversation about it while our DCs are still up and about.

I'm feeling angry, sad, upset, frustrated and so many other emotions, which includes upset for her.

To those saying why are you still friends with her? My head is all over the place. I'm trying to process it all. I don't know that I have cut her off yet, but that's what my gut says.

Will she still be struck off is just one of the things spinning around in my head.

At the event earlier there were DCs running around, not just ours. What the actual fuck? I am livid. DH will be more so.

We have known her for a long time. She hasn't had much luck with men. She knew from a young age that she couldn't have children, which adversely affected her confidence in relationships. There's no doubt that she has made some poor choices but this really takes the biscuit.

She really trusts him, he is very charming. Right now I'm feeling like I want to assault him I won't.

Surely though over time it will be very restrictive. Can you travel overseas if you are on the register? That's just one of the things that springs to mind.

I don't think that she would ever hurt children, we have known her for many, many years.

She does work 1:1 with children very occasionally. She's not a physiotherapist, but think along those sort of lines. Her specialism tends to be something that is a group of ailments that affect us as we age, which is why I said that she doesn't often work with children.

She must after all this time had to update her DBS? Or, with the Covid chaos maybe not?

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 19/09/2021 18:18

Cut her off. She's made her choice to stay with this disgusting thing. No doubt she will be left with no friends and her family may disown her, but that's her problem.

ArabellaStrange · 19/09/2021 18:23

DBS is a self reporting thing, unless moving jobs.
If you didn't update it when you should have done and it's found out, then you can lose your job quite easily.

Booknooks · 19/09/2021 18:27

No she won't be struck off. Yes you should reconsider the friendship as who on earth would remain with a man they know has done that.

FleasInMyKnees · 19/09/2021 18:40

She works with children
You dont think she will hurt children but you cannot be sure
He is a sex offender
They thought it was a good idea to tell people at a gathering where children were playing
What do they think people will do, dont waste energy worrying about their travel limitations or their jobs
Let them deal with it themselves

poodlydoodly · 20/09/2021 10:36

Look him up on Google - his case will have been in the news. It may be even worse than they are disclosing. Your friend has knowingly attended gatherings with this man knowing this? I realise that she's in denial but jeez. He has worked on her, he saw her coming.

poodlydoodly · 20/09/2021 10:38

Gatherings at which children were present. It takes less than 10 seconds to abuse a child. Literally in the blink of an eye it can happen.

LadyDanburysHat · 20/09/2021 10:47

What an awful situation for you OP. I would be furious that she has kept this from you for so long. It absolutely would be the end of the friendship for me.

poodlydoodly · 20/09/2021 11:04

End the friendship. But I would sit her down and tell her straight exactly why, in a last ditch attempt to snap her out of the denial she (surely?) is in.

Original poster
TheFriend · 20/09/2021 13:02

Last night I had a long conversation with DH and with friend's sister.

Friend's sister is shocked, she said that the whole family are and that they are very worried about their sibling/daughter. Those with DCs have already said that they will be cutting contact.

Between us DH and I will also be cutting contact.

I'm not going to sit my friend down and explain why, my feeling is that this would only make her dig her heels in further.

The sad thing is that I think that the relationship is a case of coercive control, maybe worse and at some point she will need support. Unfortunately, being with him cuts off all lines of support for her.

OP posts:
poodlydoodly · 20/09/2021 13:24

This is the awkward thing - she needs support but you can't condone her behaviour. I would send her an email explaining this and say you will still be her friend when he's gone.
I had a parallel issue a few weeks ago re a friend who is delusional and believes her previous employer are spreading rumours about her in shops and hacking her phone, that previous colleagues are shouting abuse outside her window. I posted re this on MN (different name) the response was unanimous that I can't fix her and I was advised not to enable her even though she has no friends or family. Horrible but true.

poodlydoodly · 20/09/2021 13:26

@TheFriendMaybe move this thread to relationships?