**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

[TheFriend]

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

I assume F is either in custody or has set up camp elsewhere. He could have used an overdraft to pay rent in advance for a small flat. Or just left town - with the knowledge of his probation officer.
I wonder if he's just taken annual leave to cover his period in custody (if there has been one). He will have no end of devious tricks and devices to cover himself.
Either way I think he's gone. I wonder if he'll be back for his stuff. If he set up from scratch at the point he moved in with C he may have no belongings which can't be walked away from. Paperwork can be replaced, or maybe he carries essential documents with him in case he needs to disappear quickly.
You are all dealing with this car crash in an amazing manner

@TheFriend is C okay? I hope F is gone for good. You must all be aghast at the trail of destruction he has left in his wake.

@PermanentTemporary

I would stay in touch with her. I would assume that her communications at some point would be likely to be monitored but would use a personal WhatsApp or email. I would meet up with her if she is alone or with her child only, on your terms. I wouldn't at this stage contact her employer.

It's a huge difficulty that the only successful rehabilitation of paedophile offenders that I'm aware of is the 'circle of friends' type where the offender has good community support but is also monitored and prevented from making moves towards being with children. Everybody cutting contact isn't helpful. But the circle of friends not surprisingly doesn't involve parents.

Was about to write something very similar. Totally agree.

@idiotmagnet @PermanentTemporary I agree. It is looking at the bigger picture.

@TheFriend does C have pictures of any of the children on her phone? It would worry me that he could access these if so.

Yes, it really is the early hours of the morning and for the second night in a row I haven't slept.

Any spelling or grammar messages are entirely the ramblings of my brain addled insomniac mind.

Thank you for your advice everyone. Whether I am posting or not I am reading your words and I am listening. B has been dipping into this thread too, she hasn't yet posted, she has simply been to busy and frazzled, she may make a guest appearance

For background this is relevant my parents have much in common with Margot and Jerry in The Good Life. Hilarious characters to watch but made for distant, selfish parents and frankly unpleasant parents. I'm an only, I was a mistake and boy haven't they ever always ensured that I know it.

When I was small A, B and C moved into the house next door. From day 1 the whole family took me in and loved me as one of the rest of them.

There were at least three summer holidays when my parents paid for me to go on holiday with their family so that my DM&DH could take 3 weeks to go somewhere exotic! At the time I was very happy with the arrangement, it's only now I'm older that I realise how strange my childhood was.

As a result, throughout this I have been treated as the other sibling. However, as close as they are, I am not a member of their family. I haven't made any decisions about speaking to the police, probation or C's employers or any HCPs and other agencies who may be able to support C.

The only actions and decisions that DH and I have made are about our own DCs, their safety and their schools, how to discuss things with our DCs and further, our stance on C, F and their wider family.

As B + DH and their DM have taken a stance which aligns with our own gut feeling. They are our best friends, as close to us as family, so supporting them has been second nature, practically and emotionally. In real terms this has meant having nothing to do with C and F.

Im falling asleep as I type this now. I do have an update which I will post tomorrow. Some of the details in tomorrow's plan update are scant so apologies in advance.

Thank you again for your ongoing support and advice

I wish you well with your planning and hope that your head allows you some rest. I have never taken sleeping pills but on occasion, when I have had successive nights of disordered sleep, I do take the recommended dose of Night Nurse even when I don't have a cold. It just takes me down to the next level and allows me to drift off. Might be worth a try tonight!

Treat yourself to an early night, with long bath beforehand, and generally relaxing stuff. These small investments really pay off in terms of staying on top of things

It's just as well I was WFH today and will be tomorrow. I am so tired that I can barely string a sentence together.

Thank you to everyone, all information and support is gratefully received. Even though I'm not name checking much I appreciate all of your kindness.

Before I please bear with me if I use the wrong words or phrases.

On Wednesday evening 6th Oct, C was taken by the police but they didn't charge her. They did question her for a long time.

We had believed that C had been releasing on Thursday morning. It was Friday late morning when she left.

I'm not sure why she didn't leave the police station of her own accord if she was questioned. She does have to answer bail.

The police took anything with a potential to access the internet. C has no phone or anything now.

At their DM's request the police did welfare checks on C. They were sufficiently concerned for her to be sectioned.

C is in the local MH hospital. Even if she could work she wouldn't be able to. Her employers know that she has been questioned about indecent images of children. We think that the other partners have said that they are going to buy out her share of the the business.

I haven't seen them every day we talk every day. I'm not sleeping because I am trying to be strong for B and their DM. Then I get home or they leave and I am wrung out.

I'm still not speaking to C nor is B.

A will be home soon with his boyfriend. I don't know where he will stay, it could be with any of us.

F has been detained. We don't know any more than that.

F being detained is a good thing. He will, presumably, be likely to go to prison if he has breached probation conditions. Or if he has been re-offending - which it sounds like he probably has
As for C - she may well be innocent of any crime other than being manipulated and has just been dragged under by evil F. I hope this is the case.
How C will get through this I cannot imagine.
Poor C's mum

I hope C gets the professional support she needs.

to you and hope you get rest and headspace

I actually feel incredibly sorry for C. She has been sucked in by a highly skilled, devious, manipulator and now the shit has hit the fan. If F actually gets out tomorrow will he come to C's rescue like a knight in shining armour? Not a fucking hope. It's all come crashing down and she has lost literally everything and everyone.
In writing this I am assuming she is innocent - although I am aware she may not be. She may just be collateral damage to the police who want info on F. It'll all come out though.

PS to my last post - I am aware that some abusers are women

I am beginning to suspect that C has been complicit and has done the Hollywood “Get out of Jail/I was having a Breakdown and Didn’t Know What I Was Doing.” Defence.
I feel the need to disclose that I am both a survivor of long-term childhood psychological and physical abuse, and a separate sexual assault as a teen. As a result I have a complete lack of empathy/sympathy towards C and F, and especially loathe anyone who uses the “I was abused as a child, so it was inevitable that I grew up to become a child abuser” excuse…. Most of these people claim that they were never “offered the opportunity” to have therapy or counselling and this choice to remain a “victim” to the justify abhorrent abuse of innocent children just doesn’t wash with me at all.
Well guess what? I was never “offered” therapy to recover from my childhood either. I actively sought it out. (And pay for it, too!!) I am nearly 50 and I continue to have counselling and take medication so that I can sleep without nightmares, and have safe, genuine, loving relationships with family and friends.

What a very sad story.

As a friend, I wouldn't forgive somebody for knowingly bringing a convicted paedophile to meet my children. Although F probably manipulated her to believe he was innocent, she should have respected you and your family enough to let you make a decision about whether your kids see F. I would not be able to get beyond that.

The fact that they told everyone at their engagement party with kids present.....!!! I really can't get over that. What reaction did she expect - a toast, applause?! And then she expected his invitation to a child's birthday party to stand. It does show how disjointed her understanding of the whole situation is.

I imagine she was heavily manipulated by this despicable man and if she hasn't met him she would have continued to be a good friend. I hope she can learn from this and rebuild her life. However as a parent I wouldn't be able to get beyond the risk she knowingly put my kids in, so the friendship would be over for me.

Sympathy op as it's an awful situation.

None of us have any idea whether F will be back, we don't know where he's detained or why. It could be a breach of bail, it could be new crimes or it could be that they (whoever they is in this situation) had some charges that they were keeping back to investigate and prosecute later.

Their DM is bearing up. She is taking the view that although C is ill and that is a huge worry, she is in hospital, without him around and she is possibly safer than she has been.

We are all tag teaming checking on their DM and her DP is a good man too.

My hunch, and this is not because I love her, is that C hasn't committed any crimes related to children. Rather, I think that she has been blind or in denial to all of this. I think that she is vulnerable, rather than culpable.

Absolutely, I know that some abusers are women. I'm in no doubt about the reality of it all.

No, I don't think that C is faking her mental illness as a get out of jail free card. She has never been this ill but she has had MH struggles before.

If F needs a defence I anticipate that C will have to sell off his belongings and access his bank accounts. I think that she has a long road ahead of her in many ways.

Assuming that her crime is in assisting F to break his bail conditions I don't know what's going to happen. My hope is that she will get well and then get angry. He has taken her for a fool.

I'm not usually the type of person who is angry but I hate him. I hate him for the harm he has done to people I will never know and I hate him for what he has done to the people I love. He is a devious, dangerous opportunist. My hope is that he is locked away for a long time.

It is a thoroughly sad story and haunting.

FWIW me, I seem to have hit the wall. I had insomnia last week and now I can barely stay awake. My DH is being fantastic. I do know how lucky I am to have him.

You have probably been running on adrenaline to some extent. You will be mentally and physically exhausted, rest as much as you can

Op I haven't read the whole thread. I'm in a role that is in the cjs. If your friend doesn't disclose it to her employers, then we do.

If F needs a defence I anticipate that C will have to sell off his belongings and access his bank accounts. I think that she has a long road ahead of her in many ways.

C absolutely should not attempt help F get funds for his defence. This is not her problem and would only make it look like she is supporting him. F can access his own accounts for this.

It may be a good idea for someone to pack up and remove all F's stuff and bin it put it into a garage, or storage or something. As for selling it - F can sort this out.

It will be healthier for C to come home to a house free from his presence. Even if someone parks his car somewhere else (not sure if this would be technically taking a car without consent but frankly I think the police would turn a blind eye).

Rest and let sleep heal you

If courts/ the judge believed that this person was highly dangerous, then I find it madness that he was not given a custodial sentence. The custodial sentence would have meant there were licence conditions attached to him being in the community

She has never been this ill but she has had MH struggles before.

F saw her coming a mile off. These guys have an uncanny ability to spot, select, groom their targets whether they are children or adults.

Hi @TheFriend… I keep thinking about C. I doubt that she would be kept in hospital for very long these days. Has she been released yet? Where would she go? Home alone? To her mum? What an awful situation for her and her mum and the rest of the family (including you.)

OP, also wondering how you are and how things are panning out. C will have been hauled over the coals mercilessly in order to get information to F. This will have been hellish for her.
Police will have a very good Idea of her innocence.
Hope the DM, and you all, are okay

@TheFriend I’ve been thinking about you and wondering how you’re all getting on? Any news on C and the fiancé?