**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

[TheFriend]

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

@TheFriend hope you are all as okay as you can be you have all been on my mind.

For anyone who is still interested (and I wouldn't blame you if you weren't).

They are not pressing any changes against C and, as far as the police can tell she hasn't been involved in any crime. Which is good news. However, none of us including B are going to be trusting her alone with our DCs for a long time, possibly ever again. For now we are all keeping our DCs well away from her.

Since she was released C has been living with her DM and stepdad who, frankly is a hero IMO. I think that as a stepparent you have expectations of things that could go wrong, but this wouldn't be on your list of concerns. Bear in mind too that C is in her 30s.

Frustratingly, C is angry, frustrated, disbelieving and shocked and grieving, she is taking this out on her lovely DM and (to a lesser extent) her stepdad.

On the one hand their parents are thinking 'it's time for you to go home now' on the other there are very real concerns for C's mental health, specifically whether she will attempt to try to end her own life again.

A is home, with his shiny new husband and both. Both A and B think that C is behaving like a petulant teenager towards her parents.

When anyone talks about F's evident guilt C nods along. I'm not convinced (and B agrees with me) that we think that though her head knows that he has done wrong, her heart hasn't caught up with it yet and that will take time, maybe months or years.

Financially, C is ok. She owns her house, has savings and her colleagues bought her out of the business, they own the building as well as the business so the buy out was considerable. C will be able to go back to NHS work eventually.

My own take on it is that C needs to be moving home soon.

As for F? My apologies, we don't know much yet. He is in prison because he broke his bail conditions and will be staying there for sometime.

The Police are investigating further charges, given that this means a through investigation of his electronic equipment this could take some time. According to the police he won't be leaving prison until after his court case and only then in the very unlikely event that he isn't found guilty, but this is extremely unlikely.

Reading between the lines I think that the police have enough to keep him in prison for a very long time.

Me? I'm ok. Sort of. My last post said that I had hit the wall and I haven't been well since, as a result, there is a strong possibility that I will lose my job though as my husband says 'maybe it's time to look at easing off anyway'. So that's me. Still unwell, a bit worried, changes may be afoot.

Thank you for all of your support everyone

Thanks for the detailed update @TheFriend. Glad to hear that F is in prison, best place for him and safest for society!! I can understand how everyone is walking in eggshells around C, but you do have to wonder if this is best for her? Perhaps a dose of reality would help her deal with this, as it sounds like she's wallowing right now. It's great that you're all there to support each other, take care 💐

Thank you for updating us

I really hope that this situation hasn't been the main reason, or driver, for your health issues. Maybe you could reduce your hours? Maybe one step back will mean 2 steps forward later on?

C is in so much denial. Not only has her belief (manipulated and shaped by crafty F) been tested (but not yet broken it would seem) by the circumstances she still has her ego making it very hard for her to step back and see that she has chosen to get sucked in by a psychopath. Like an MLM hun, she just cannot admit defeat and may still be singing from his hymn sheet.

I hope she's not still in contact with F?

I wonder if he may try to shift blame onto C in order to minimise his own guilt or share some with her (although obviously the police will know what he has done).

It'll be interesting what gets said at his trial. Presumably C may be called as a witness. I expect you will all be there so you will be in no doubt about what exactly F has done. It will also be quite revealing about her attitude towards his actions and her attitude towards the children who are his victims. Her actions at this point will absolutely influence your decisions whether to ever allow her near your DC again.

C will, presumably, (hopefully before the trial) at some point wake up.

Is C assessing support from anywhere? She probably needs help to get her head around it. It must be awful for her, you'd never trust anyone ever again and her normal support network (you all) can't give her the support / closure she needs. And she will think (rightly) that everyone is blaming her. She's lost her partner, family and friends in one swoop. She needs to learn boundaries.

Has work got any counselling you can access, maybe a break from it is what you need - I can't begin to understand how betrayed / angry you all must feel. I'd need to vent somewhere.

Sounds so challenging. I hope she is getting the help she needs.

Sorry to read your update. Would time not working help? Is that financially feasible? If not could you look at a different role or part time?

Personally, I have resigned. I've worked solidly in the same career for over 15 years, between DH and I we have agreed that I can - and am - taking a break. Unpaid, which sucks, but sometimes it really is your money or your life.

C is not working. She has no dependents, is currently renting her house out and she is relatively minted. Which is great for her. But how do people manage to do such shitty things and still come out on top?

I am so sorry to hear that you've had to take time out. Taking a step back now will pay off though.

As for C - well, superficially it looks okay, she has money from selling her share of the business, renting out her home will be another income stream. She looks well cushioned. But she has destroyed the trust in all her family, friends, former business partners. She is a social pariah. Her chances of having a respectful, functioning, romantic relationship with a man are pretty much in the bucket too. She has a cushion of money but remember that you have a lovely husband and children and she never will have DC of her own and her position as doting auntie is utterly trashed now.

Is C still staying with her mum? How are her relationships with her siblings and you?

F - is he still in prison? What charges have been brought? If her home is being rented out I assume his personal effects are long gone. Is C still brainwashed by F? Is she in any contact with him? Has there been any more contact with the police?

I'm not sure how much your health issues have been exacerbated by the stress C and F have caused but take time to focus on yourself and your family. Count your blessings - you are in a far better position than C regardless of how good her life looks superficially.

I'm sorry that it came to that with your job, but it's better for your health. Take care of yourself! I'm sure this stress didn't help.
As to your question how do people manage to do such shitty things and still come out on top - to be honest I don't know, but I think you just need to step away from it all.

Your health is the most important thing