**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

[TheFriend]

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

If you genuinely believe this to be a case of coercive control I wouldn't confront her, but I would certainly withdraw. I would obviously never be around this man again, but if your friend is an abusive relationship this may not be clear cut.

I am not in any way, shape or form defending this scenario because no one in their rational mind would endorse this relationship, but sounds like there may be more going on.

Has she attempted to defend her relationship at all? Or addressed why she is not only staying with him but committing to him?

I’m a teacher and every year we have to fill a form in about convictions and there are questions about partners too. I wonder if your friend has to do something similar? Like others, I couldn’t be friends with her anymore. I just couldn’t trust her judgment. And there is no way in earth I’d ever have my children near them.

I would be telling her your reasons why and also I wouldn't be leaving the door 'open' for her either. I would also advise whoever the relevant authorities are in respect of her employment. You can I assume do it annonymously if you don't want named but someone should be doing it.

I’d kind of understand a scenario whereby a woman might stay who was already with a man whom she initially thought was a good man became subject to coercive control and THEN was hit with his sexual offending. Could see that she’d already have been coerced and groomed/brainwashed.

But this is ENTIRELY different. She knowingly CHOSE a partner whom was already a convicted paedophile. When dating, who has ‘Convicted paedophile’ on their list of desirable attributes? Unless they themselves find this either acceptable or desirable? She from the outset knowingly entered into a sexual relationship where she knew the man enjoyed sexual thoughts about children. My HUGE worry would be that as this is a part of his sex tapestry where are the lines when they’re having sex as a couple? She clearly doesn’t find his paedophilia a sexual turn-OFF, so I’d be VERY concerned about her own sexual preferences and proximity to the public/children/vulnerable people.

Just because she has no convictions (yet?) for sexual offences doesn’t mean anything.

I would stay in touch with her. I would assume that her communications at some point would be likely to be monitored but would use a personal WhatsApp or email. I would meet up with her if she is alone or with her child only, on your terms. I wouldn't at this stage contact her employer.

It's a huge difficulty that the only successful rehabilitation of paedophile offenders that I'm aware of is the 'circle of friends' type where the offender has good community support but is also monitored and prevented from making moves towards being with children. Everybody cutting contact isn't helpful. But the circle of friends not surprisingly doesn't involve parents.

Ps: meant to add…

REPORT, REPORT, REPORT.

I’d explain that you’re aware that ‘Health Professional X [insert name] has knowingly entered a relationship with a convicted paedophile and has selected this sex offender to marry, therefore effectively enforcing and minimising his offending and his risk to children. You are concerned that she has actively chosen an relationship with an convicted paedophile and feel it incumbent on you to raise this as a safeguarding concern so it can be properly assessed as to whether there is any conflict or interest with her role as a front-facing HCP.

I don’t know about her job, but what I do know is that I’d be cutting her and her paedophile fiance quicker than you can say sex register. She wouldn’t be much better than him in my eyes. Scum of the earth. Protect your kids (which I know you are doing)

I completely agree with your decision to remove yourself from the situation. I world tell her why, and let her know that if/when he's out of the picture you'll be there for her.

I know this post will go down as well as a fart in a space suit but I wanted to clarify part of his conviction that I wasn't aware of until recently. If you are:
'Convicted of making' indecent images of children It doesn't mean you took pictures of Children with your camera, "making" charge just means the person looked at it online. The way the internet works is by temporarily copying the data to the user's computer and they count that copy as "making" the image. The legal wording is misleading.

I in no way would be friends with a Pedophile or date one or be friends with someone wo dated a pedophile where they had to do an enhanced DBS checks to work with children

Is this person actually allowed to be at a gathering with children present? I thought there were usually conditions after that kind of conviction.

@UnbeatenMum

Is this person actually allowed to be at a gathering with children present? I thought there were usually conditions after that kind of conviction.

I think it would be a good idea to report this man to the police. Something is seriously off here. Out of interest how exactly did they reveal this information? Was it minimised or excused? How on earth does anyone reveal that they're on the SOR, and at a party with children

They held a gathering, with children included, to tell the gathering about his conviction?
Was there not a mass exodus?

I'd like to presume his release / charge conditions stop him being around children ?

Not all registered sex offenders will have been given conditions about the proximity to children.

I would worry that he might have conditions not to be near children as he was at this party.

Google his real name.

Someone close to me was in this situation OP. They was lied to as to the severity and his parents told people it was a mistake unjust case of tax freud and the sex offender shouldn't even have been charged.

Google set that right.

He isnt even allowed to be around his under age offspring. You br sick if knew the extent how many will protect and lie for these people. They knowly put kids in his path and kept the truth secret even after prison.

Your friend isnt who you thought she was and you cant put any trust in her above your kids. I have zero doubt that the person I know would assault any child he could given any minuscule opportunity that arose. As that is what he he was doing

I started writing this post but it was long and got confusing so I'm starting again from the beginning.

Their family is: Elder brother (A) if we were at Secondary school now he would be in yr 12. He now lives abroad, is gay and has no DCs by choice. Sister (B) same year as me at school, we'd be year 8. Married with 3 DCs around the same age as our 2. Sister (C) works in medicine, engaged to a paedophile, doesn't have DCs.

A, B & C have been friends of mine since I was pre school. We lived a few doors down from each other, I'm an only. I was very close with both B & C. As adults, closer with B as we had more in common. I am late 30s.

I haven't spoken to C or contacted her since the gathering.

I spoke to B last night and then again today over WhatsApp and by phone this evening.

Their DM called me today and asked if she can meet me for coffee sometime this week. This isn't odd, I got the impression that she needs a non-family member to talk to.

To be clear; B & their DM didn't know about this until yesterday either. If DH and I are furious and we are, then B's DH husband is incandescent. Their DM is devastated, DDad is deceased, he wasn't a violent man in life but I can imagine him tearing the fiancé limb from limb after yesterday.

How did the gathering go? Attending was B + DH & 3 DCs, Me + DH & 2 DCs, their DM + DP, my DM + DDad, 1 of C's friends + DP and 1 more pregnant friend + DH & 1 DC.

There was buffet food, they waited until most were eating and seated and announced their engagement. Cue congratulations.

Then they sat with people and quietly told them. There was a weird ripple effect around the room. The first group fell silent, then the second group and as this happened the whole room fell silent.

Some people left sharpish, including us and B.

From our conversations, I do know this:
C didn't know about his convictions before he moved in.
He told her shortly after he moved in, I guess because he couldn't hide it any longer.
He moved into her house.
He does have a probation officer who he has to report to regularly, C has met his probation officer.
I don't know about rules wrt him seeing other people's DCs. B has said that she will be contacting 101 to ask about this.
We know what he was convicted of because he is on the U.K. database site.

We are all shellshocked and angry, including their DM. In a way it feels like a bereavement.

I don't want this to be moved to relationships as we are all sorting things out between ourselves as best we can.

As for things like how can she have sex with a convicted paedophile? I just don't want to even think about that sort of thing right now.

My original question was about C's employment, specifically DBS checks. I have brought this up with B, she is not currently speaking to C but we both think that C must have had to declare fiancés convictions in the time they have been together and neither of us know what the outcome of this would have been.

B is going to ask about this when she contacts the police.

So again, if anyone knows what happens when someone with a DBS declares that they are in a relationship with a convicted paedophile, we would all be grateful to know. For all we know C may have declared this and it is ok as long as he stays away from her workplace. We really don't know.

I would tell her why you are ending the friendship

So again, if anyone knows what happens when someone with a DBS declares that they are in a relationship with a convicted paedophile, we would all be grateful to know.

Nothing, as many people have told you already.

Why are you so focussed on the employment? You’re cutting her off so what does it matter to you? Presumably she knows what her DBS requirements.
Your last post is quite odd, the way you describe the ages if you were at school.

So difficult as by ostracizing C you are potentially driving them closer together. Are their mutual friends aware? You've described him as "charming" so he will have undoubtedly worked his charms on C. He must have seen her coming a mile off, he waited until their relationship was serious until telling her. She has made her choices but she must be in some type of abusive relationship and have been groomed to accept this. She has a history of poor relationships with men. She may benefit from the Women's Aid Freedom Programme - but that's when, or if, she gets rid of him.

With the school years I was trying to illustrate the age gaps between us all and why we're all close.

So if living with a paedophile doesn't matter why am I asked about it annually as part of my own DBS check? They do nothing with that information?

I'm still asking about her work because everyone has independently agreed that they will be cutting her off.

My concern is this; she has already withheld the truth from us, I'm including her own family in the 'us'. Lying of any kind, including by omission, is completely out of character for her.

So his actions have led to her being cut off from her friends and family, she needs a support system as she is physically and emotionally vulnerable, though she hides it well.

If/when they do get married he will be able to claim half of her house, she only has a small mortgage as she inherited money from her DH when he passed away.

So she is potentially financially vulnerable too.

The question about the DBS is that we are concerned that she has been lying about it. If she has been declaring the relationship and nothing is happening, it still may have an effect on her future earning and promotion prospects. Again, this can leave her even more financially vulnerable and reliant on him.

I have already said that I believe that there is an element of coercive control in their relationship.
Now she has no support network and her financial position is potentially precarious too.
Just because I won't have contact with her, it doesn't mean that I have stopped caring.

I'm afraid that as a result of their relationship she may lose everything.

If she has not been declaring her relationship on her DBS and this is discovered she may lose her career completely.

I hope that this explains why I was asking the DBS question?

As far as telling her why we are cutting off contact I will be writing an email to explain so that she knows that I am still here if she ends her relationship. I think that an email is best as I am sure that if I/we suggest a meeting the fiancé would be there and that's what I mean; he seems to be controlling everything.

@theturtleshead

So difficult as by ostracizing C you are potentially driving them closer together. Are their mutual friends aware? You've described him as "charming" so he will have undoubtedly worked his charms on C. He must have seen her coming a mile off, he waited until their relationship was serious until telling her. She has made her choices but she must be in some type of abusive relationship and have been groomed to accept this. She has a history of poor relationships with men. She may benefit from the Women's Aid Freedom Programme - but that's when, or if, she gets rid of him.

Thank you for writing a post which shows an understanding of our her friends and family situation.

Collectively that is our fear - that cutting her off drives her further towards him. Otoh we all feel that we cannot continue a relationship with her while she is still with him.

@TheFriend

With the school years I was trying to illustrate the age gaps between us all and why we're all close.

So if living with a paedophile doesn't matter why am I asked about it annually as part of my own DBS check? They do nothing with that information?

I'm still asking about her work because everyone has independently agreed that they will be cutting her off.

My concern is this; she has already withheld the truth from us, I'm including her own family in the 'us'. Lying of any kind, including by omission, is completely out of character for her.

So his actions have led to her being cut off from her friends and family, she needs a support system as she is physically and emotionally vulnerable, though she hides it well.

If/when they do get married he will be able to claim half of her house, she only has a small mortgage as she inherited money from her DH when he passed away.

So she is potentially financially vulnerable too.

The question about the DBS is that we are concerned that she has been lying about it. If she has been declaring the relationship and nothing is happening, it still may have an effect on her future earning and promotion prospects. Again, this can leave her even more financially vulnerable and reliant on him.

I have already said that I believe that there is an element of coercive control in their relationship.
Now she has no support network and her financial position is potentially precarious too.
Just because I won't have contact with her, it doesn't mean that I have stopped caring.

I'm afraid that as a result of their relationship she may lose everything.

If she has not been declaring her relationship on her DBS and this is discovered she may lose her career completely.

I hope that this explains why I was asking the DBS question?

As far as telling her why we are cutting off contact I will be writing an email to explain so that she knows that I am still here if she ends her relationship. I think that an email is best as I am sure that if I/we suggest a meeting the fiancé would be there and that's what I mean; he seems to be controlling everything.

Could you write her a letter sharing all these concerns with her? I know she's in the thick of it but maybe caring concern before it's all too late is worth a shot. Nothing you've mention here is minor! Yes, she's an adult and ultimately if she makes a choice that destroys her life you can't stop her but it does rather sound like she's in a bubble of this guys influence and his spell won't break if she doesn't consider there might be a different angle to him than the one he is selling her.

Some of the adults she works with may be described as vulnerable so it may be a safe guarding concern.

Could you contact the safe guarding lead at her workplace with the facts.

I don't blame you for feeling this way OP

How shocking for you all