**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

[TheFriend]

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

C has known his real surname and that he was on the SOR for some time, by which I mean years.

The fact that she knew this and allowed him to see and have contact with all of our DCs is why we are all so angry with her.

You must feel absolutely sick. I could never look at her again let alone speak to her. Poor you, what a horrible shock things like this are.

Did the previous gfs/"fiancées" have close relatives/friends with children?

Some child sex offenders will target people with access to a wide circle of children which wouldn't be flagged in the same way as living with someone with kids with probation.

It must feel like a betrayal that C has known of this for years but did not allow you to make your own decisions and protect your own children

Has C tried to contact anyone?

Was this his first conviction?

Is there never to be any redemption for these people? Are they not allowed to be genuinely sorry; and accept treatment and learn to understand and overcome their urges?
Does anyone really benefit if they receive a whole life sentence as a social pariah?

Horrific situation for you all @TheFriend.

Have you all sat down with your own DC to categorically state that on no terms should they ever go with C, anywhere? Do they still see C as family?

Is there a risk of her picking them up from school/clubs? Stockholm Syndrome can be a powerful force.

Are they not allowed to be genuinely sorry
What, by lying about their name and being around children whose parents haven't been informed of the previous conviction in order to take the necessary measures to protect them?

This thread is less about the dreadful crime and more about the deceit by C and F that led to children being put at risk. I'm sure C used the argument to herself that once her friends got to know F they would 'know' he wasn't a risk to their children. That was not her decision to make.

@Mybalconyiscracking

Is there never to be any redemption for these people? Are they not allowed to be genuinely sorry; and accept treatment and learn to understand and overcome their urges? Does anyone really benefit if they receive a whole life sentence as a social pariah?

Really?

Personally I don't think someone who is "genuinely sorry" for making images of children being sexually abused would be changing his name and lying to all those around him in order that he could spend time with their children. That's not the behaviour of someone who has learnt to "overcome their urges" - it's the behaviour of someone lining up their next victims. The people who "really benefit" from him receiving "a whole life sentence as a social pariah" are the children he would like to abuse.

@Mybalconyiscracking

Is there never to be any redemption for these people? Are they not allowed to be genuinely sorry; and accept treatment and learn to understand and overcome their urges? Does anyone really benefit if they receive a whole life sentence as a social pariah?

Even in a word.... No.

He was convicted of MAKING the images.

That means he abused a child personally.

There is no "controlling urges" in this case.

OP I would cut contact immediately. I cannot understand the mindset of anyone who could get into a relation ship with a disgusting piece of filth like this.

@Mybalconyiscracking

Is there never to be any redemption for these people? Are they not allowed to be genuinely sorry; and accept treatment and learn to understand and overcome their urges? Does anyone really benefit if they receive a whole life sentence as a social pariah?

No.Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Some things can never be redeemed, in the same way that the harm done to the abused children can never be undone. He can be sorry, be treated, can understand, can overcome his urges though I don’t actually believe this: he may become able not to act on them but the drive to sexually abuse children isn’t going to go away Children who otherwise lose their ability to exist safely in the world benefit from him being a permanent social pariah. In this case it sounds moot anyway, as the offender continues to deceive and dissemble.

@Mybalconyiscracking

Is there never to be any redemption for these people? Are they not allowed to be genuinely sorry; and accept treatment and learn to understand and overcome their urges? Does anyone really benefit if they receive a whole life sentence as a social pariah?

Has C and F found this thread lol? Absolutely no sympathy for people who hurt kids sorry. There's no excuse and no forgiveness

Apologies just realised I had missed the update where OP says the images were photoshopped rather than him laying a hand on children himself.

Still doesn't make any difference to me though.

He sounds highly dangerous!

Have just read all your posts OP, can't imagine how distressed and sickened you feel. Don't know how your friend can think they will be invited to family parties, is she really that naive.

@Mybalconyiscracking

Does anyone really benefit if they receive a whole life sentence as a social pariah?

The children less likely to be abused benefit. That's the whole point.

An apologist for sex offenders, with offences involving children no less, on here - now I've officially seen it all.

@tribpot

Are they not allowed to be genuinely sorry What, by lying about their name and being around children whose parents haven't been informed of the previous conviction in order to take the necessary measures to protect them?

This thread is less about the dreadful crime and more about the deceit by C and F that led to children being put at risk. I'm sure C used the argument to herself that once her friends got to know F they would 'know' he wasn't a risk to their children. That was not her decision to make.

Agree with you @tribpot but it needs pointing out that being sorry isnt good enough. Even the most robusts of CBT and other treatments do not work. They can be as sorry as they want - they will reoffend.

I keep thinking about the apologist comments on these forums. To me and virtually everyone else, it’s a very black and white world wherein we know without question that adults who exploit children are psychopaths, lacking in genuine remorse and virtually always reoffend if they have the opportunity. (Which is often, because they are protected by the wall is shame that promotes silence about the nature of their crimes amongst their family, etc…)
I assume that anyone who attempts to justify or minimize someone who has sexually exploited or assaulted kids in anyway is either a relative or spouse of one of these men, and trying to justify their behaviour to themselves so that they can continue a relationship with them - or someone who has been guilty of this themselves, or been the complicit partner of someone who has done this.

There's always one, isn't there?
Whether I believe that someone who has previously abused DCs can be rehabilitated or not, I am as sure as I can be that he is not currently receiving any treatment that would enable this.

Additionally, I am not prepared to allow my DCs to be guinea pigs for this man's 'rehabilitation'.

And FWIW no, I know of no successful system in the Western world that would rehabilitate him. It's worth mentioning that part of my job relies on me being abridge of any research and trials of this nature.

I will post again to answer the other questions.

Thank you, anyone can apply for a court transcript. The problem is that, particularly in cases of this nature, they don't allow just anyone to apply for them. Also, they are expensive and getting one can be time consuming. B has made a request for them.

We don't know much about all of the previous girlfriends and fiancées. We do know that the fiancée at the time of his arrest had DCs and he lived with her.

Of the two other Gfs that we know about via Google they all had DCs.

It does feel like a betrayal. A huge betrayal.

Aside from C asking to be allowed to go to the children's birthday party and bring F she hasn't tried to contact anyone else. Yet.

I don't know whether this was his 1st conviction but the detective saying that she would describe him as 'highly dangerous' rattles around my brain.

Yes, we have all been very clear with our DCs that they must have nothing to do with C nor accept a lift or invitation from her.

Between us all - me & DH, B & DH, their DM, the best childminder ever and our DCs very understanding schools we are keeping our DCs safe without locking them in the house. There is always someone to collect them from school, clubs etc and where possible, one of us stays with them.

As our eldest and B's eldest are secondary age we have been more frank with them about what's going on, without being alarmist. They are being very sensible about it.

Once again, thank you to everyone on this thread who has been supportive.

'highly dangerous'

When a detective says this they mean it and it's warning to keep away from him.

Well done for telling your DC and making them aware. I would do the same.

The police are obviously trying to find something else he has done.

Well there's the thing.

To answer a question I previously asked on this thread 'why the broken off engagements'?

I'm trying not to make this any more outing than it already is. One of our extended group works in crime prevention strategy.

This person has said that they believe that F is being watched closely, both online and on the ground. The information we were given about Interpol is key and that we have been given the minimum of information to protect our DCs, that it is the tip of a very murky international iceberg.

Police will get involved when they believe that DCs are being put at risk. This person has said that they think that any women will have been warned off when the Police decide that they cannot leave it any longer.

So yes, none of us are underestimating the meaning of the phrase highly dangerous in this case.

Would be fabulous if you could “accidentally” find out who these women are and get them to knock some sense into your stupid friend… then again, maybe not. Maybe it would be best for the police to catch him online and throw him in the bin.

You are all so level headed. So many people would go into hysterical pitchfork waving mode. Your restraint will pay off

We know who some of these women are, we just don't know them personally so we don't plan to contact them. Can you imagine? 'Hey, remember your paedophile ex? I was just wondering whether you could give me some more information?' I can't imagine that it would go over well.

All of us have had spells of being angry and decidedly not level headed but importantly, we all have each other. Which means that when someone is having an unhinged day there is another person to talk them down.

As a group we have tried to be systematic in our approach because there have been a lot of practical things to consider and do.

We purposely told the schools on the same day, for example, and there were always two of us present to ensure that we told the story correctly. That way we knew that when the school safeguarding leads got their heads together (as they invariably would) they all received the same message.

We have been clear that we will speak to social workers, that's still a possibility and if/when it happens we will face it with honesty.

If you contacted the ex(s) there would be a risk, albeit very small, that he would find out. And this could compromise what sounds like a major police investigation. Wise to stay quiet

Good point about compromising the investigation. I can’t believe this silly woman hasn’t run a milllion miles from this man. Her self esteem must be appallingly low if she thinks this is the best she can get.