**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

[TheFriend]

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

If he has breached the rules of his probation he may be taken into custody. Then C may get some time to let reality sink in.

I've been meaning to come back since I posted on Friday but it's been a busy time.

Thank you to all of you who have been kind, understanding and not rushed to judge us.

I'm going to answer some of the questions that I have been asked. Then update you on the latest comings and goings because even if no-one is still reading this and I wouldn't blame you writing it like this is still quite cathartic for me.

Yes, he wasn't using his real surname, he has been using his middle name as his surname. He hadn't changed his name by deed poll so I'm guessing that he was using his 'real' surname for official documents and the middle name surname socially. Now they are engaged when they marry she has said that she will take his surname so they have decided to be honest about his actual surname.

To be absolutely clear; none of us - her closest friends and family - are going to let either of them anywhere near our DCs. I will write a bit more about this in my update.

The police said that his suspended sentence is still running.

Absolutely, we do all feel better for speaking to the police and for knowing that they are going to keep a closer eye on him.

When we saw them the police didn't say that he was part of a paedophile ring. They did say that there is no evidence that he has touched any children himself, there is an update on this to follow after the questions.

The thought that someone would be able to change their name and gender post conviction is chilling.

No, I don't think that C realises the severity of what he has done.

In theory we are all catholic, but we don't go to church any more. C & him want to get married in a church which means that they will have to join a congregation soon, again though, more on that in the update.

If he has breached his bail conditions he hadn't been taken back in as of Sunday morning.

Update to follow.

Thanks for updating
C will have had the severity of his actions minimised and denied over time. It must be so hard for you all to process.
What does happen to sex offenders though? Ultimately they have to go somewhere, live and work and pay taxes etc. Such a difficult thing to deal with.
Our local church toddler group had a man volunteering there. His wife was one of the ladies who ran it and is a very lovely woman. It was reported in the news that he pleaded guilty to sexually assaulting a young child who, presumably, he came into contact with through the church. He served a prison sentence and went home and still lives with his wife (both in 70s). I actually think she did a very magnanimous thing, his risk of re-offending will have been drastically reduced. He is a social parish, excommunicated from church. The impact on her must be awful, she has sacrificed a lot to let him stay in the home, being blamed etc. She is a very devout Christian, very committed to doing good works. Which ultimately contributed to a child being assaulted, possibly in her home.
If her husband had been cast out by everyone where would he be, and what would he be doing?
But C is a totally different situation, she's young and this happened prior to the relationship with this man. And he has been in the same room as your DC when she knew all about his conviction

Are you 100% sure that the conviction is just for images and not contact offences? It would be very unusual for someone to be put on the sex offender register for life for images.

Is it possible to Google him or find out the details of his offence and sentencing some other way?

Here are some further details about the sex offender register.

Update.

To clarify the gathering on the morning of Sunday 19th C & him had invited the group of us round to their house. The pretext was 'we haven't had a get together as a group, post Covid.' When we were there and seated they announced the engagement. After that, together they came round to us adults as we were chatting in small groups and told us about his conviction.

C was gravely ill as a child, which is why she can't have DCs. As a result of C's illness their DM has doted on her.

C is godmother to my DCs.

On to this past week.

Friday evening after my post about the police.
Me & DH were at B's house, I had volunteered to be the sober adult, DH, B & B'sDH drank plenty. Even though I could have driven us home the DCs wanted to stay, in the end we all stayed the night as we (adults) were all talking late into the night.

Saturday
The detective who worked on his case from the arrest to conviction in another county called to offer to do a face call with B + her DH + me on Sunday as she has more information to pass on.

B's Mum
Poor woman. She is distraught that C has put DCs in harm's way and is too angry to speak to her for now. Her DP is sound, she asked if B and I would call in during the week. I think she needs an outlet. She is enraged with C.

My parents
They were very good with B, very supportive. By contrast they blame me for putting my DCs in harm's way by allowing them to see him (don't even ask, that's just how my parents are).

Saturday afternoon
The birthday party for one of the DCs who had been at the original announcement gathering.

C & him had been uninvited from the birthday party. During the week C called the Mum of Birthday Child to ask whether she would reconsider inviting C & him to the party. Mum of Birthday Child put the phone down on C. All adults were looking out checking that they weren't going to just turn up. This caused much anger, I'm guessing that C will be feeling the wrath of all this week.

Sunday phone call from arrest detective
She was cautious with some of her wording, at other times she gave a lot of information.

Fiancé (F from now on) was being monitored for years before his arrest. They were watching him very closely and liaising with local agencies as his girlfriend had DCs. They couldn't warn this (ex) gf because he hadn't been arrested yet, they were building a case. As they watched his online activity they were checking every image he posted that they could catch. All of the ones they found (there was an emphasis on they found) were manipulated and not originally taken by him.

B asked if he was in a paedophile ring. Arrest Detective (AD) answer was heavy with inference. She said (my paraphrasing) he hasn't been charged with being part of a paedophile ring and currently there is no request for extradition. Of course, there is a high reoffending risk with paedophiles.

AD said that she was taking time to talk to us as she would describe him as high risk (a shiver went through all of us here), she advised us to be vigilant and to consider talking to our older DCs about this to keep them safe.

B asked about C, explained her vulnerability, that we believe that he has groomed her and about the engagement. AD cautiously said (still my paraphrasing) some people try to groom everyone they meet.

Then AD said some people get engaged in every relationship without ever getting married.

B asked about his sentence. AD believes that the world is safer when persistent paedophiles are not walking the streets. The probation service will assess the new information - that he is using a different surname, that he has groomed C, C's job and his access to DCs - and discuss this with other agencies. The probation service and courts take breaches of sentencing restrictions very seriously.

AD volunteered that F should not have any access to DCs and she will be making some recommendations to the probation service.

Regarding C, AD said that for many people even though they are not sexually attracted to DCs they do not make the link between images and the fact that a DC is being abused in every image.

AD agreed that C is vulnerable and she will be discussing our comments around F's coercive control over her with our local force and they will arrange support for C. Though AD did warn us that people who are abused have to be able to see the problem and want to leave.

C's information will be passed to the LADO for them to assess whether her profession may give F access to DCs. We discussed our concerns, guilt and sadness about this and if C lost her job it will make her more vulnerable. AD agreed with all of this and it will form part of her conversation.

Gosh, that was long, I hope that's everything. If you've got to here I admire your stamina!

@theturtleshead thank you so much for your support, understanding and level headedness.

I agree with you completely, if paedophiles are cast out - what happens then? If anything, I think that makes them even more likely to reoffend because he'll, what have they got to lose?

@Gingerkittykat and anyone asking about life on the SOR please see my massive post this evening for details of sentencing and everything we know after our conversation with the police officer who originally arrested him.

Although she couldn't tell us everything we have a better understanding of what happened now. There was a lot of inference in the things that the officer told us. She certainly believes that he is very dangerous. I don't know enough about sentencing of offenders to explain why he is on the SOR for life, I just know that he is!

I have known C for more than 30 years, I really do love her. And yet she put my DCs in situations where they could have been harmed. It will take me a long time to come to terms with that and forgive it.

Has she ever googled what he's done ? Or is she just believing his version ?

Horrible situation for you all.

If probation services weren't aware of his name change then that'll be a huge red flag to them.
I wonder though... is it possible they would be reticent about immediately arresting him for name changing etc because they are waiting to arrest him for something bigger and want him to hang himself on his own rope?
C is really under his spell if she's phoning a mum to ask if she can bring a paedophile to a children's party.

I think it is natural to be furious with C - how could you not be - but it may help to see her as another one of his victims.

C’s life will never recover from this whether she recognises that or not right now. She can only lose - lose friends, lose company and support, lose the respect of those around her. Even if they split now, how much of that could she get back?

And if they do split she would have to take her head out of the sand - which could be horrifically traumatising and shameful for her.

Jesus H
I wouldn't want to be within a 1000feet of either of them
Please god I hope no one, including you goes to her wedding and it falls flat on its arse,
The damage that man will have inevitably wreaked is frightening
This scum doesn't deserve a happy ending and you should run and hide and cut all ties from them!

This man saw C coming a mile off. These people have an uncanny ability to select their victims, whether they are adults or children.
Have any of you met with C yet? Is it possible to see her without the man being there? Does he control, or limit, her access to family and friends?
I'd try and meet for coffee with C and let her speak about what's happening . As PP said she is a victim and needs help to escape.She needs you now more than ever. This man must be kicking himself that he told you all. Now he may start more coercive behaviour to limit C and control the situation.

Sorry to be so blunt OP but what the actual fuck. Asking a mum if it’s ok to bring a convicted pedophile to her child’s birthday party? I know she has been groomed but still people have a responsibility of their own and she’s not only putting herself in harms way.
That last request would make me give up on her. She’s a lost cause as long as she’s with him and your first priority is to protect your DC. Also after reading your update about your meeting with the police makes me wonder if she has had a similar meeting with them and if not, if she would reconsider her decision to be with him if she would. I just can’t imagine any woman voluntarily staying with a man after hearing all of that. It’s just so vile and at least the police won’t downplay what we did unlike himself.

Also I wonder if it was his idea to tell all of her friends and family about his past now they have decided to get married and not wait until after. He knew very well this will isolate her and that it’s hard for her mentally to cancel their engagement. All part of a plan to isolate her, it seems. Even if she says it was her idea, she might have been convinced by him.

There is so much about this story that is awful, I'm sorry op. You all seem to be dealing with it in a really level headed way which is amazing.

I can't quite get over the way they told everyone. They just went round small groups of people at their engagement party and said 'oh and just to let you know, X is on the Sex Offenders Register'. How on earth did they think that was going to go down?

What a bizarre choice. Which maybe shows just how much she's not thinking straight. Surely they must have known everyone would be horrified, did they honestly think people would just say it was all okay?

What a really sad situation for your friend, I hope she can find a way through. I would be tempted to meet her alone for a coffee and a chat and while I was there I would make here delete every photo she might have of kids on her phone. Every single one.

@PersonaNonGarter

I think it is natural to be furious with C - how could you not be - but it may help to see her as another one of his victims.

C’s life will never recover from this whether she recognises that or not right now. She can only lose - lose friends, lose company and support, lose the respect of those around her. Even if they split now, how much of that could she get back?

And if they do split she would have to take her head out of the sand - which could be horrifically traumatising and shameful for her.

This. F is a charming and plausible liar. He will have told C that he didn’t really do anything bad - that it was a virus that downloaded the images onto his PC / a mate sent them and he opened them by mistake/ he let someone else use his PC as a favour and they did it/ his girlfriends teenage son did it and he’s taking the blame for him.

Or he will have said that he likes adult porn with eg “ sexy school girls “ and images he thought were an adult were in fact a 15 year old. It was just a simple mistake anyone could have made.

These men are expert liars, very very clever and persuasive. He has conned her by not telling her his own name ( so she couldn’t Google him) and then only disclosing ( a small part of ) the truth after he had moved in.

But she won’t be able to see that he has lied and deceived her. It’s too hard to admit when she has “ finally found happiness “ after losing her husband.

He will now be trying to drive a wedge between her and her family / friends .

“ See I told you, they can’t accept that people can change / it was just one small mistake / they are not forgiving or open minded like you / they grudge you being happy like them/ they are jealous of the special love we have/ they don’t understand you like I do “.

She has let your children have contact with him because she believes that he was innocent - in her view he’s not a risk to children. Besides he was never alone with them so that’s ok.

She will have told herself that a photo of eg 21 year old woman in school uniform is nothing like photos of man raping toddlers. So why would he be interested in , let alone be a risk to, your and her siblings children ?

Now I don’t believe any of this - it’s bollocks - but I’m sure she does, or something like it.

I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry for her, not to persuade you to offer any kind of support that you don’t want to. But it might help you understand what might be going on in her head. Because I suspect that that’s the hardest part of this for you - not being able to understand how a long term friend who you thought was a good person can have treated you and her family like this. And most of all - how she could have put your precious children at risk.

I read above about serial engagements and no weddings and I wonder if it's because men like this wait to see if they can get close to children and if it doesn't work out they groom another victim?

What an awful situation for all involved, including C. I mean I completely understand why everyone has to cut ties with her for now but when she wakes up from this she is going to need a lot of support (and therapy).

I think you and your family are handling this well. You're all being calm & protecting each other and your DC.

She really sounds brainwashed by him. But you have every right to be so angry either her. I would have nothing to do with either of them

You know? The comment from the detective about not being engaged for long was playing on my mind too, then I talked to B and she has been going over it. B had been to see her DM, they were talking about all of it & B told her DM about the engagement comment. I went to see B's DM yesterday and she's been trying to puzzle it out too! As have our husbands. We have lots of potential guesses and maybe some clues, please feel free to try to work it out yourselves. We would welcome your ideas.

We have some interesting theories.

I'm not sure whether C has ever Googled F, the thing is that even if she does she won't find much. We didn't and we trawled everything we could.

I know, we all know, that C needs support. Between us all we have reached a consensus that yes, we will eventually make contact with her again. First though we all need to go through our anger and get in touch when we are ready. At this point I think that will take months, not days.

It was only a week ago that we told our DC's schools, which probably sounds like nothing but at the time it feels humiliating and devastating.

Even if we were going to see C we don't think that we would be able to get her on her own.

If the wedding is happening anytime soon, and the detective's comment has made us think that it won't, none of us will be going.

A is trying to come back when he can. Trouble is he lives in a high Covid area. He is tying up his affairs there so that when he can leave he will be able to leave for good. He's in discussions with his boyfriend about whether he will come with him, they both will get jobs over here easily.

Hopefully that answers everything for now.

The comment from the detective about not being engaged for long was playing on my mind too, then I talked to B and she has been going over it. B had been to see her DM, they were talking about all of it & B told her DM about the engagement comment. I went to see B's DM yesterday and she's been trying to puzzle it out too! As have our husbands. We have lots of potential guesses and maybe some clues, please feel free to try to work it out yourselves. We would welcome your ideas

I’m a bit confused. Do you mean the comment about getting engaged in every relationship but never getting married ?

Because I suspect he wants to marry your friend as she owns her house outright so he will get half when they split. . I don’t suppose she will get legal advice before she marries but she should. Ideally he should sign a prenup.

If he goes to prison again after they are married and she wants to divorce him then it will be very complicated for her and she will lose her house unless she can afford to buy him out.

Does anyone know when C found out her F was a sex offender?
Has she been keeping this a secret for months/years?

Presumably he was engaged / perhaps even married to his last girlfriend? I'd take the comment to mean he has serial engagements, probably as he's got his eye on the assets he'd be entitled to if married.
You could look him up in family tree records, see if there are marriage records? I don't know if the online records include people who are still alive but you may glean information.
Has anyone been in touch with C? This may actually be a good time to get her confidence, as she's in the throes of a pretty awful situation and will need an ear. Maybe the rift will deepen more the longer you leave it.

If there is a local newspaper report, look at the report on the Facebook page of the paper and see what the comments are on that article. May be some more info there.

C has known his real surname and that he was on the SOR for some time, by which I mean years.

The fact that she knew this and allowed him to see and have contact with all of our DCs is why we are all so angry with her.

She may well be vulnerable, she may be at risk but none of us plan to speak to her until we have calmed down. We have ensured that all relevant agencies are aware of her vulnerability and that they will be making contact. We don't know when this did or will be happening.

There were no newspaper reports on him wrt the court. There were newspaper reports wrt previous relationships he has had. He's not any kind of celebrity, he is a specialist in his career.

We do not believe that the serial engagements are anything to do with money. Half of C's house wouldn't be worth much and F is a high earner. In a divorce C wouldn't lose much and F wouldn't gain much.

No, we don't think that the serial engagements are about money.

We think that he was engaged to his last girlfriend, we know he was engaged to others.

You can apply for a transcript of the court proceedings:
www.gov.uk/apply-transcript-court-tribunal-hearing
At some point, later down the line, you could show it to C but of course it would be unwise to brandish it about now.
Knowledge is power.
You are doing so well