**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

[TheFriend]

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

There is news. I would have posted before if we hadn't been spending time with B & her family, including their DM.

B&family and their DM know that I am posting here.

It happened on Wednesday the details are still sketchy.

The police visited C & F sometime on Wednesday after C was home from work F works from home, hers!
F was taken away by police, we think that he was arrested, we don't know any details and C is saying nothing.

We do know that F hasn't been back to C's house since he was taken away. No-one has seen him. To our knowledge, everything F owns is at C's house.

C was also taken in by the police. From the information we have pieced together the police arrived at C's house around 6pm, took them both away separately and C was released at around 7am. We don't think that she was arrested, we think it was questioning. The only person C is talking to is her DM and she isn't giving her facts, C is in shock and she's talking about her feelings.

Their DM and B+her DH have offered to have C to stay at their house if that would help. C has refused this, we think that C is hoping that F will come back to her house.

None of us have any idea why F was taken. We don't know whether he was arrested and if he was, whether that would be because he has breached his bail conditions, or they have discovered offences he committed previously, or committed recently.

Their DM is spending most of her time at B's house. She is very worried about C and I think that she doesn't know what to do with herself. She is very upset and worried about C. When she tried to visit her, C wouldn't let her in. C didn't go to work today.

If he is still under a suspended sentence and was taken back to prison because he had broken his licence would any time served in prison start from the beginning of his sentence? Or if he has a month or so left to run would he only serve that in prison?

If she is being coerced etc how long before she starts covering up for him thus aiding and abeting him should he continue his paedophilia? Thinking about the Maxine Carr and Ian Huntley partnership.

Brrr @Whenigrowupiwanttobea. I won't lie, we've all thought it but it's too awful to think about. I'm not being dismissive, not at all, just that some things are too awful to think about. Even for me, one step removed, this is like living through a horror story.

In my previous post I forgot to say that A is still trying to come home. Covid is making the whole thing laborious and after the events of this week he is feeling frantic.

Plus A and his partner want to get married so that his partner can come over with him. They can't get married where they live and restrictions mean that they can't go somewhere else to get married either.

It would seem that I have lost the ability to write a coherent paragraph too judging by that last post

Hopefully F has been arrested and is in custody. It sounds like it if he hasn't been home to C's house.
I feel sorry for DM. She must be beside herself, heartbreaking.
If F is off the streets I hope it is for a very long time. The thought of what he has done, contributed to, is just horrific
Maybe this will be the start of C seeing the light, although the brainwashing will not fade overnight.

If C hasn't seen F then she won't have been visiting him in prison. Maybe F won't let C visit? Radio silence is better than him protesting his innocence I suppose.

I would cut all contact and notify her employer. Harsh maybe, but I actually have little sympathy

If he is still under a suspended sentence and was taken back to prison because he had broken his licence would any time served in prison start from the beginning of his sentence? Or if he has a month or so left to run would he only serve that in prison?

The answer to this is that he would need to go back to court and the judge would decide the seriousness of the breach and balance that with the amount of his suspended sentence he had already completed before activating the SSO. A further conviction is automatically a breach but otherwise failing to comply with the SSO might be lying about his address for example. He won't automatically go to prison for a breach so you can't count on that.

Alternatively he could have breached his SOR which is totally seperate or he may have been issued previously in court with a SHPO or SRO which he could be in breach of.

I'm a probation officer and I work with high risk offenders including child sex offenders. If you call your local probation office you can pass on information that you want the probation officer to know. They won't be able to tell you anything but if you want specific concerns recorded then they will listen.

@MuckyPlucky

I’d kind of understand a scenario whereby a woman might stay who was already with a man whom she initially thought was a good man became subject to coercive control and THEN was hit with his sexual offending. Could see that she’d already have been coerced and groomed/brainwashed.

But this is ENTIRELY different. She knowingly CHOSE a partner whom was already a convicted paedophile. When dating, who has ‘Convicted paedophile’ on their list of desirable attributes? Unless they themselves find this either acceptable or desirable? She from the outset knowingly entered into a sexual relationship where she knew the man enjoyed sexual thoughts about children. My HUGE worry would be that as this is a part of his sex tapestry where are the lines when they’re having sex as a couple? She clearly doesn’t find his paedophilia a sexual turn-OFF, so I’d be VERY concerned about her own sexual preferences and proximity to the public/children/vulnerable people.

Just because she has no convictions (yet?) for sexual offences doesn’t mean anything.

Yes I kind of agree with this.

I’ve just read the whole thread. I wonder if he’s broken his conditions of bail just being in a position of trust with these kids via C. Like if she was babysitting and he was in the house, by association he was looking after them, which is surely not allowed?

What a situation. I agree with @theturtleshead , it's the DM I feel for the most.

Cant you just walk away OP? I know they are like family to you but you have children, I would put myself and them at a great distance.

I wonder if F is thinking that his arrest is connected with the Sunday gathering where he and C disclosed their engagement and his conviction. That will really put a spanner in his relationship with C - the plan to have him accepted into the fold has gone hideously wrong. Or maybe he'll use the arrest to cement his "poor me" status with C and the "no-one else understands our special bond" he may have brainwashed her with. Although if C hasn't heard from him that may be unlikely.
The PP who mentioned reporting this to C's work - I think if F's employer get wind of this the whole house of cards will collapse even more. I assume F"s employer has no idea of his conviction? Because if and when they become aware that will be another massive issue for him / them.
He will soon be gone methinks - it's just a question of if C will be dragged into it even more or will she cut loose.

Their DM is spending most of her time at B's house. She is very worried about C and I think that she doesn't know what to do with herself. She is very upset and worried about C. When she tried to visit her, C wouldn't let her in. C didn't go to work today

Is it possible that C is suspended from work? She is a person who works with children and vulnerable adults so I would think that her employers would need to be informed that she had been taken into custody and interviewed under caution as a result of her living with a convicted child sex offender.

Quite honestly I'd be suspicious you're not getting the whole truth if he's on the SO registry for life!

Personally I'd be contacting her employers and telling them as I suspect she hasn't and if she's working with kids even occasionally then I think they need to know, though I don't know what they'd do with that info

It's shocking and disgusting that people like him aren't imprisoned for life frankly! They never change!

I couldn't remain friends with her in these circumstances not least as I'm a survivor of csa myself.

Children can and are abused by these creeps even in the presence of "protective" adults I was.

Not all registered sex offenders will have been given conditions about the proximity to children.

No but I would be speaking to local police in case this one was supposed to be staying away. If it violates conditions of eg a suspended sentence then he's away to jail - win all round

You could say to her that you will have nothing to do with her while she remains with him but to get in Touch when she leaves him. But again being honest I could not have anything to do with her ever again, the friendship would be entirely over.

That it goes beyond the Uk police etc is DEEPLY worrying. Very much sounds a case of he only got convicted of some of his crimes

Sounds like he's breached his bail/probation/whatever in several ways but I would caution you not to be surprised if he STILL doesn't end up in jail but let's hope eh?

I'm afraid I feel the need to say you don't have to forgive her, I couldn't in all honesty.

No she isn't the perpetrator but she lied on his behalf and put all of your dcs at risk

C being suspended from work is possible.

Why he's been taken in at this point I HOPE is due to breaching conditions rather than committing further offences.

I would be out of my mind with worry if I were a parent to the children at that gathering/in this situation because I know that just having other adults present doesn't mean the dc were safe.

It's a horrifying situation.

Ime police officers don't describe offenders as "high risk" lightly!

Like others, I think this is unforgivable and if her employers do not know they really must be informed

I have limited sympathies for the sister

People have to own their shit instead of hiding behind low self esteem etc etc

Well the police jumped very fast. I’m so pleased. Whatever he’s been involved with must be awful. (It’s all awful, I know.) I can’t understand her part in it. OP has said all along that she is vulnerable following the death of her husband, but surely an intelligent person can’t see past these accusations.

Hopefully, the time apart from him coupled with time spent with her DM will begin to untangle things for her.

No denying she IS emotionally vulnerable after losing her DH and it's entirely plausible that he's downplayed the entire situation.

She has hopefully had a terrifying experience being questioned about such dark matters whilst in police custody - maybe this is the turning point for her.

If not, then she will most certainly return to him.

This is serious, she was with him for 3 years and may have put her patient's at risk. You need to contact her professional body registration and her employer.

Why do I suspect that this woman isn’t going to believe anything until she’s SHOWN it by the police?

I would be LIVID. She's been with him and had him around your children for years and KNOWN he was a child predator.

They are so sneaky and so quick and unobtrusive. I was sexually abused as a child, multiple times in a room full of people, no one noticed. Not just a quick touch either. Being made to give him a hand job, in a room with others talking to him. Other things he did to me, whilst my parents were present.

Hopefully this will make C see sense

Women can have such denial about abuse. I worked with a woman years ago who told me that her family was "torn apart" when her daughter disclosed that her grandfather (colleague's DF) had sexually abused her. She then went on to tell me that he had abused her too as a child - but she didn't think he'd do it to her daughter so she left her child with paedophile grandfather
Did she feel he wouldn't be unfaithful / disloyal to her by abusing her daughter? This woman was an intelligent person, graduate etc, but intelligent behaviour isn't the same as IQ type intelligence. Fucked up.

You're still friends with, and worrying about the career of, a woman who knowingly exposed you're child to a man who's MADE sexual photos with children?! What?! Why on earth?

Without wanting to minimise this at all "making" illegal imagines is downloading them or receiving them - "making" the electronic file, as it were. There is nothing to suggest he has committed a contact offence (so far...)

No, I am not currently friends with C. I haven't spoken to her, or made any contact whatsoever, since the engagement announcement.

Neither have her sister, B or her brother, A. Which is one of the many reasons that I plan to stay friends with them.

Their DM has tried to contact C since the police intervened last week, in part I think to understand why. When the announcement was first made their DM wasn't sure what she was going to do. She says that she wrote C a card to tell her that she still loves her but that C & F's actions are indefensible. Their DM is horrified, angry and frightened.

Since the police incident last Wednesday their DM has contacted the local health services to explain that she believes C may be suicidal.

The services have taken this seriously. We believe that they have checked on C at least once.

To answer some other points made.

I am livid, as is my DH and B and her DH and A.

We are not entirely sure about C's movements since Thursday morning, we do know she hasn't been to work.

We have no reason to think that F has been back to C's house and the area since Wednesday evening. His car is still parked outside he hasn't moved it since Wednesday.

F does earn a good salary. Our guess is that he would be unlikely to be able to buy a car, pay rent and organise a place to stay and buy everything from clothing to toiletries to kitchen utensils immediately. Which leads us to believe that he is still in custody of some type.

C has two employers the family have informed C's NHS hospital employer that she is engaged to a paedophile, has put DCs at risk and that they should contact the police for further information.

The second employer was more difficult as she owns a partial share of it. In the end her family spoke to another senior owner and practitioner.

Thank you for the tip @SuperCaliFragalistic I have passed this on to the family in order for them to contact probation services. We know in his case that he manipulated images. The police couldn't find any evidence that he had put his hands on DCs.

She hasn't babysat any DCs that we know of and she doesn't have many friends.

Without going into detail we think that F is able to manipulate his employment so it wouldn't matter if anyone told his employer, he will go on to the next one.

None of us, including her DM, will forgive C.

Yes @Justilou1 the police did jump fast. This weekend the people from the original gathering congregated without my DParents or C and F. We talked about all of it together. One of us did say they think when the detective told us that he is highly dangerous it was because she knew that he has been reoffending or escalating.

I will keep posting when we know more.