**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

[TheFriend]

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

He didn't change his name by deed poll, it wasn't my intention to mislead anyone, he was using his middle name as a surname, which would have made Googling him pointless.

I have no idea of the offence he was really convinced of nor the sentencing. I can only tell you what I know so far. We should know more tomorrow.

Yes, I agree that moving to a new area and changing his name shouts red flags. There's nothing I can do about that though.

Our initial reaction was to blame him for everything. As the days go by we are all beginning to think bloody hell, she let our DCs see her with him. She never babysat, that's not the point, she is supposed to love our DCs.

Thank you for asking how I/we are all doing. In truth, I think that the implications are still emerging.

Thank you @BrilloPaddy. We aren't trying to get her to see the light, not even her DM. If anything her DM is more angry with C than any of us.

C has been absolutely brainwashed by this man. Presumably he is milking her vulnerabilities and is very manipulative and he may well be brainwashing her against you all. How you undo this is not easy, very complex. You are all admirable in the way you are approaching this.

If you are still reading, the police officers have been and gone. They were very good, very professional and as honest as they could be.

He was found guilty of making and distributing indecent images of children. An interesting point to us is that he was on the radar, not just of the U.K. police, but also that they were working with Interpol and his case goes higher/further than the U.K. police alone. They were unable to give any further information than this, we got the distinct impression that their reticence is because either his case, or related investigations, are ongoing.

Although he was making indecent images of children, authorities believe that these were spliced, photoshopped and manipulated images, rather than original photographs taken by him or of him.

All of the images are of girls of primary age.

B told them that C & fiancé have been seeing her DCs since their relationship first started and our DCs too. The police asked us questions about whether the DCs had been left alone with C and her fiancé. Also that he had not been using his real surname. The police said that they would be discussing this with the fiancé's probation officer. Although they did not explicitly say this we were given the strong impression that he has been misleading his probation officer.

His original sentence was for a significant length of time years suspended and yes, he is on the SOR for life.

We wonder whether our conversation today may mean that he has breached his bail conditions. We did get the impression that the police left in a purposeful way, implying that they had new information that they will be following up after the meeting.

We did also explain how vulnerable we believe C is. They took significant notes on this and were concerned about C's access to children through her work.

Weirdly, when they left both B and I started cleaning her already spotless house. Then B burst into tears and we both started wailing.

I'm still with B now, our DCs are here or on their way here, both of our DHs will be meeting us here. We're going to have a takeaway tonight and go back over the information.

I think that B and I both feel emotionally exhausted.

I hope that I have covered everything.

That's quite an update OP.

Thank goodness your friends' family have involved the Police.

You all must be exhausted.

I think it’s a very dodgy that he’s been using a different surname. Is he even allowed to do that? Surely it’s a legal loophole that sex offenders use to avoid being outed? I’m pretty sure they closed it after the Soham murders as Ian Huntley just changed his name to avoid having to disclose his previous conviction and then just got a job in a school.

Dear Friend
I just wanted to say that I can’t imagine facing such a situation and that you are facing it with unimaginable dignity and compassion for all concerned (except him, of course). I hope I would manage something like this half as well.

I might not go as far as cutting contact with HER but I would be very clear that I wouldn’t tolerate this man around me or my family.
She might be groomed by him and isn’t responsible for his crimes but I would be very careful and make it clear under no circumstances is he allowed near your DC or in your home. If she wants to attend your birthday party for example she couldn’t bring him.

Just read your update. Wow.
No way I would have this man around my DC and after reading your latest post I would actually rethink my previous post, I think it was very irresponsible of her to not have notified you earlier about his past and letting your DC around this man without telling you about his past/ the risk.
Definitely NOT OK.
I think in this situation I indeed would consider cutting contact with her too.
It’s one thing she wants to live with someone like that, it’s another that she willingly took the risk with your DC and left you in the dark about this. I would be so angry and disappointed!

C has been with this man 3 years? He has a long, suspended, sentence - is this still running? If you have a probation officer does that mean the sentence is ongoing?
Hopefully this behaviour means he has breached his conditions and will be sent to prison.
More and more things will dawn on you all as time passes - things that weren't significant at the time will seem very different in the light of this information.

Op, I think you and the other people effected by this are handling it impeccably well. I just wanted to commend you for everything you've put in place, it really speaks volumes of the person you are.
I cannot imagine the shock you all feel. I hope you can all sleep easier knowing the police are looking into him again.

An interesting point to us is that he was on the radar, not just of the U.K. police, but also that they were working with Interpol and his case goes higher/further than the U.K. police alone. They were unable to give any further information than this, we got the distinct impression that their reticence is because either his case, or related investigations, are ongoing.
Is he part of, or linked to, a paedophile ring?

@SweetBabyCheeses99

I think it’s a very dodgy that he’s been using a different surname. Is he even allowed to do that? Surely it’s a legal loophole that sex offenders use to avoid being outed? I’m pretty sure they closed it after the Soham murders as Ian Huntley just changed his name to avoid having to disclose his previous conviction and then just got a job in a school.

I knew someone on the SOR for life who changed their name (and gender) from the one they were sentenced under; I think it's definitely a loophole that needs sealing. Their probation officer was fully aware, according to them.

I'm sorry that this man has happened to your friend, OP. Glad that you've spoken to the police., and are prioritising the safety of your and the community's kids. Take care x

Oh god, she must have very low self-esteem. Do you think she realises the severity of what he's done?

Sorry, just read your update.

Well done OP and B - I'm glad that you have each other for support. I'm sure it was emotionally exhausting & it's good to have a good cry afterwards. Take care of yourselves and your families.

Did the police mention whether he was subject to a sexual harm prevention order? That made include restrictions on his contact with children and breach can land him back in court.

he is very charming.

Of course he is! That's the facade they carry.

OP, I can't tell you what to do but I would cut off a friend like that in order to protect my own. Sorry.

I wouldn't have him ANYWHERE NEAR MY CHILDREN!!! I mean oh my god

Thanks god she can’t have children. Having children when you’re married to a paedophile probably isn’t the best idea.

I wouldn’t hesitate to sever the friendship. I wouldn’t want to be around someone like that and there’s no way I would expose my children to that risk. Even if he was never left alone with them you can be fairly sure he’d be looking at your children in a way you wouldn’t want.

It’s a horrible situation for you to be in. 💐
As for your friend I have no sympathy.

C will likely have Stockholm syndrome. Depending on the level of brainwashing he's applied to her (and this is a huge amount given that she's accepting his past) she is likely to defend this man (and her own poor choice) very vigorously. She may see him as being convicted of something he didn't do no matter what evidence is presented to the contrary.

Big sympathies - that sounds knackering.

Totally get why you’d want to clean after that…it’s so grimy. The fiancé is such a sordid presence.

@TheFriend, I hope you're all doing OK after the shock of finding out that C had allowed this creep to be around your DC for the last 3 years without telling you what he was. 🌺

@Whentheydontmeanwhattheysay

They held a gathering, with children included, to tell the gathering about his conviction? Was there not a mass exodus?

It didn't sound like they actually held the gathering, more like the gathering took place and they used it as an appropriate opportunity.

Given that this gathering took place on a Sunday morning, I'm guessing either regular Church service or Baptism. Either way, if they ever attend church or want to get married in church, that church needs to know. If they come to church to hear the banns read, or hold their wedding in a church and invite families with children, the church could be in big trouble if they have basically got a paedophile as a member of their congregation.

I know of a vicar/minister who was trying to work out how a convicted sex offender (I think adult sex offences) could attend their church safely - e.g. conditions on which service they could attend, which meetings they could go to, who they needed to be with. They had some very complex discussions but the sex offender didn't carry on being interested (either he only wanted to go under certain conditions, or he was not really interested and wanted someone to dance to his tune, or he just wanted attention).

Wow what an update! It must have been such a difficult conversation for you and B with the police. I'm so sorry that you have had this stress added to your lives. It must be such an awful though knowing he has been around your DC.