**Possibly triggering** Friend works in medicine, worried about her boyfriend.

[TheFriend]

Firstly, I know that this is the employment board, but there is a backstory here.

My friend met a man around 3 years ago, he had recently moved to the area, they moved in together very quickly within weeks of knowing each other.

He was convicted of making and distributing indecent images of children in 2018, not long before she met him. She says that he told her about it before they moved in together.

Recently they have started telling family and close friends about his conviction because they are now engaged. Until now he has been using a different surname and I suppose they are telling us because we will find out his real surname when they marry.

We have DCs and we are very angry that we weren't told sooner, but that's another post. We are seriously thinking about cutting off contact with them.

He will be on the sex offenders register for life.

Friend works in healthcare. In an area working mainly with adults. I don't believe that she would willingly or knowingly harm a child. There again, I wouldn't have thought that she would get involved with a convicted paedophile. I am very worried about her.

I have an enhanced DBS for my job so I know that they now ask you whether you live with anyone who has convictions against children.

Can she lose her job for living with and marrying with a paedophile?

The Childcare declaration you're referring to is separate to the DBS and is only required for very specific roles working with young children.

If "something" is declared, the employer does a risk assessment. If the staff member only has very occasional contact with children, never off work premises and the partner is never in the vicinity, it's unlikely that he would be considered such a risk that it would affect her employment.

The legislation was written for childminders really, but clumsily done so it also affected primary schools and some health care, but guidance has been changed now and most schools don't do it any more.

I think she should be reported to the relevant authorities. And have absolutely nothing to do with her.

If you think she is in his control, then you could consider offering to be an ear if she ever has doubts about the relationship with him.

Tbh, I would find this so repellant. Poor DM and Sister B.

You can let her know that you will always be there for her if she leaves him or needs help to leave. She will know that she can't have your support if she is with him. But she will always have help to leave.

S0 register for life? I thought that would be for actusl rape of a child not for viewing and sharing child abuse material. If you want ro support your friend, you can do at a distance without him present.. Dont share sny photos of your children and block her from your social media if you share family stuff on their. If he didnt recieve a sentence he hasnt had any treatment.

Oh yeah, block her on any phot share platforms. This isn’t to block her - but to block his access. Tell her why you have done it.

I think the question on the DBS is in case you work in a position where your partner is heavily involved. Eg a vicar where you'd expect members of the congregation to go to the vicarage and the partner might be there or a teacher who has family accommodation in a boarding school or someone who works in a children's home with onsite accommodation for their family. I don't think it matters if the partner has nothing to do with the job and doesn't attend the workplace.

On cutting contact, I know it's really hard but I would try to stay in contact with your friend. She's in a really vulnerable position and I fear that breaking contact with everyone she's known before makes her much more likely to suffer in the longer term. If you can be a friend she meets one on one for coffee once a month, (obviously without your children being there), she'll have a sounding board when she starts to realise the mess she's in. Psychopaths are known for being incredibly charming, I fear that's what this man is. If you can keep having a non judgemental coffee only relationship with her without talking about how bad he is it'll give her someone to confide in when she starts to realise. Then you can help her get away from him. Until she sees it herself there's nothing you can do, cutting her off just makes her more lonely and vulnerable.

I still care about her, but am determined for her to lose her job by reporting her, even though its not something she will be sacked for . You've decided to cut contact, I think you need to move on really.

Could he have convinced her it was all a mistake/wrong conviction/ malicious conviction?
She may genuinely believe he is innocent.

Obviously this isn't true but a very different reflection on her character than if she has simply accepted his guilt.

He moved away from his original home, changed his name. That is significant. He's started up here under a new, or false, identity. He had C truly hook, line and sinkered before telling her. She didn't knowingly go into a relationship with a SO.
I'd also meet her for coffee to lay it out, in a supportive and not accusatory manner, just how bad this is. The "circle of friends" idea is constructive - you won't be letting her near your DC.
Are there any other news reports on Google besides the UK database? There may be more info.
He only got convicted of what he was caught doing. There will likely be much more.

If he's on the SOR for life he may have been in prison:
"Length of time on Sex Offenders Register
...the law stated that a sentence of life or imprisonment over 30 months will result in a sex offenders details remaining on the Sex Offenders Register indefinitely."
What he did must have been very, very serious

Thank you to those of you who have posted with compassion, you can still say difficult things with kindness.

As far as some of you are concerned I/we can't do right for doing wrong. 🤷‍♀️

@Booknooks no, I have made no mention of reporting C anywhere on this thread, or IRL. I did say The question about the DBS is that we are concerned that she has been lying about it. If she has been declaring the relationship and nothing is happening, it still may have an effect on her future earning and promotion prospects. Again, this can leave her even more financially vulnerable and reliant on him. Despite the fact that she has misled us collectively all we want is to keep her safe, in every respect. To my knowledge, none of us intends to tell anyone about her.

However, as C & her fiancé are now openly telling people about his real name and his convictions I do wonder whether someone else might tell the DBS authorities about her, or they might find out after she is married and applies for her DBS.

Thank you to those of you who clarified that the question about living with someone is mainly for childminders.

At the risk of being accused of drip feeding she works 4 days a week, 2 days for the NHS and 2 days for a small, private practice.

Too right we are concerned about her, I know that B, her DM and I are very concerned about C and the implications for her, in the short, medium and long term.

It's one of those situations where I don't believe that there are any right answers. Yes, she could dump him but then he might turn up dating your daughter/sister/friend.

I absolutely understand the burn the witch type posts, just as much as I understand the posts saying don't cut her off. We have all run the gamut of every emotion since Sunday. It's only Tuesday but this has been the longest 50ish hours of my life. It has brought home to me the disconnect between being a person behind a keyboard giving advice and being one of the people involved in the situation.

On a final note their DM spoke to A who is abroad and can't come home. It's probably just as well that he can't come home at the moment because he is incredibly angry.

To briefly answer some points made.

I will be emailing her to explain that I cannot have a consistent relationship with her, I will be here if she needs me.

He may be a psychopath, he may be a malignant narcissist, I'm not qualified to diagnose him, though I can say that he is trouble. It is our belief that he has/is definitely grooming her.

We have found all we can from the internet, turns out that it is quite difficult to obtain a court case transcript.

Other than the information on the internet I cannot say what he did more than the indecent images. I do know that he is on the SOF for life.

However, B has spoken to the police, they will give her some information in the interests of protecting children and B is waiting for a call back from the officer who can help tomorrow. I think that the officer is going to visit B in her home. B plans to ask about his crimes and sentencing. During this conversation B also plans to raise concerns about the vulnerability of C, I don't know whether it will do any good.

We have all blocked her on our social media. I can't think about it all too much as I will be sick. Literally.

Absolutely I agree that moving away and changing his name is seriously shady and is a secondary cause for concern.

For what it's worth OP I think you are dealing with this impeccably at what must be a shocking and disturbing time for you and all concerned. I think it's abhorrent that C has brought a man like that to a party with children present to announce something like that?!

I sit in court for a lot of these cases. Perpetrators always, always downplay their crimes to their loved ones. I see their wives and mothers sitting in the public gallery crumbling because they are hearing this stuff for the first time.

Those who avoid being in the local paper and don’t tell their family and friends about the court case may get away with minimising their offending for life.

People are only usually on the SOR for life if their offences are contact offences or of the most serious end of non-contact. It’s rare for someone who’s only been looking at images to be on the SOR for life.

If he’s on the UK database then his case will have been reported in a newspaper at some point because that’s where they get their info from. I take fairly frequent calls from people in a similar position to yours and I’m always happy to have a look through our digital archive to pass on any stories we may have written.

I’ll almost guarantee that he’s not told her anything close to the truth. Unfortunately I also see an increasing number of women standing by their men in these circs. I have no idea what motivates them but these men are often narcissistic by nature and can be very manipulative. I hope your friend comes round.

The fact she kept it quiet for so long shows she knows how you’d all react.

I can’t believe people on the register can change their name. I know someone who did it. It’s just wrong

So C has allowed him to be around her family's dc for the last few years without telling them about his conviction and therefore not giving them the chance to keep their dc away from him?

That alone is unforgivable.

*family and friends

@AngelDelightUk unfortunately it's very common for them to change names. It doesnt stop them being identified by the police or probation etc though.

People who apply to work in hospitals complete a DBS but staff who then work in a permanent job don't complete a DBS again unless they change job/employer so if she stays in her current role she may never have to complete a DBS again

@JaniceBattersby if he's on the SOR for life then will there be restrictions on him being around children?
As @Hogwarts4Christmas has said he's been around DC with C being aware of his conviction?
C must be so fucking blind

Recently moved to the area… moved in together very quickly…
This screams red flags!

So he was convicted of making, not just distributing (not that just that would be acceptable by any means) so he’s involved in the abuse too. This is horrific. I would most certainly not allow him anywhere near my children, in fact, I’d cut all contact with them. However, I’d be concerned for my friend too. How can a normal person get involved with someone how is capable and carried out such unthinkable things? What if they want their own children?

@TheFriend did B find out anything from the police? Can you make a Sarah's law request for information? AFAIK it's harder than you'd think to access information using Sarah's law but maybe other posters can advise.

Hi OP, how are you all doing? Has C attempted to make contact with any of you?

The police are visiting B at her home tomorrow during the school day, she has asked that I am there with her, I will be and the police have agreed this.

Of the people at the weekend gathering one of the DCs has a birthday, they are having a party this weekend friends and family. Originally C and fiancé were invited. They have been uninvited, when C was told this she went very quiet. I think that things will start to sink in for her now.

I will update the thread sometime over the weekend when I know more.

She's clearly very heavily under his influence, OP, and as a result, I think any attempts to get her to "see the light" are going to fall on deaf ears.

The fact that she's lying to family and having him around children is horrific. I would be very concerned that she was being influenced for him to have access to them.................. and possibly at work too.

I'm very glad that her family are going down the official road with the Police for information. What a horrid situation.