Please help me navigate the first stages of dating, with a conflict on trans issues (I'm a guy...)

[ConfessionalPiece]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Relevant background:

I’m male, divorced, and recently back on the dating scene after a relationship ended about three months ago.

I’m gender critical / sex realist and politically engaged (specifically on this issue, quite engaged). I care a lot about politics, debate and ideas. I also have strong ADHD and light autistic traits, which means I can be quite intense, direct, and I know I don’t always find grey areas easy.

So, I matched with a woman on a dating app recently. There was a very strong connection straight away. We had a long conversation the night we matched, then met the next day despite some distance between us. The date went very well, with real chemistry and intimacy.

Let’s call her Lady X.

There are some practical location issues, but nothing I would necessarily see as impossible if things developed.

The connection felt unusually strong, although I know it is very early days. We seem to have similar neurodivergent traits, and there was that sense of recognising something in each other which can be quite rare.

On my Tinder profile I had said I was genuinely interested in politics. She asked whether I was right wing or a Tory / Reform voter. I said I don’t really fit neatly into party labels, and that I’m more of an issues-based voter than someone tribal about one party.

Then this came up.

While chatting on messages, she mentioned she used to have an anonymous X account where she saw herself as being an ally to people getting abuse, mainly trans people. When I asked a bit more, it turned out this was around the time J.K. Rowling published her letter. Lady X said she had been pushing back against misinformation, scaremongering and bullying. When I asked more, she sent me a link to Mermaids’ response to J.K. Rowling.

I pushed back a little and said I think there are serious issues with Mermaids and that I wouldn’t automatically trust their framing.

This has left me unsure what to do.

I think this could potentially have legs. I also know I am not always easy to be in a relationship with. Partly that is because of how I see the world, partly because of ADHD/autism, although I am happy being who I am. It can just make relationships harder. So the idea of being with someone who genuinely “gets” some of that is very appealing. It could be brilliant. Or it could be a disaster.

I also know that people with our kind of brains can sometimes become very black and white about the world. I have had to work hard on this myself. Years ago, for example, I found it extremely difficult living in a world where people eat meat, because veganism felt so morally obvious to me. I have had to learn, slowly, to sit with ambiguity and difference. I still find it hard.

I am much better sitting with grey areas and ambiguity than I was in the past.

The issue is that I really don’t believe humans can change sex. I think sex matters in some contexts, and I see this as a serious feminist issue. I am struggling to work out whether this is something we could navigate.

Do we just avoid the subject? That seems unlikely to work, especially for me.

Do we have a proper discussion and see whether there is any meeting of minds? That could go well, or it could expose a complete incompatibility.

Do I walk away now and save everyone the trouble?

I want to be live-and-let-live. I genuinely want to respect differences of opinion. But when a difference of opinion touches on women’s rights and safeguarding, I find it much harder to treat it as just another political disagreement.

Am I thinking about this the wrong way?

I know this could go in Relationships, but I thought I might get a different steer here.

And yes, I do know this is only one date so far.

Maybe this is really about politics and values more broadly, and I’m focusing on the trans issue because it is currently so salient for me.

I’d really appreciate advice, especially from women here who understand the current debate.

Please be kind. I know I may be overthinking it.

I think you should ask for this to be moved to Relationships. More appropriate/usfor the relationship side and you’ll probably get more traffic. Good luck

ETA - i don’t see your problem as any different to any other difference of opinion you’d need to navigate. But if you bring up your GC views Youll find out if Lady X will be able to live with yours… the choice might not be yours to make in the end which will be easy for you then

While writing … You are either diagnosed or youre not. It’s helpful to no one to claim traits. Causes our family a lot of problems as disability self ID means my lot aren’t taken seriously. No need to diagnose just say youre a literal thinker

It was one date if you see your differences in opinion becoming problematic just end it now nothing lost really.

I was waiting for the she's actually a he disclosure!

"Do we have a proper discussion and see whether there is any meeting of minds? That could go well, or it could expose a complete incompatibility."

I think you've hit the nail on the head here tbh. There will likely be many areas that you disagree with someone and this is an opportunity to learn something about yourself and this woman, and work out what's important to you. Identifying real areas of compatability are pretty vital. You could walk away not knowing ,or use it as a learning experience.

Just don't want to be called a biggot if I am honest. Thought I might get a fair hearing here.

Take your position on diagnosis. I strongly dislike labels. I am diagnosed.

I wouldn't walk away now, you don't know whether she's just touched on the surface of the issue and hasn't thought about it in depth, or whether she has fundamentally incompatible views to you. So I'd continue seeing her and see if you can work that out. It's not the end of the world if you have a few dates and realise you are incompatible. It's also interesting to see what a potential partner is like when discussing what could be a hot topic, where the other person doesn't immediately agree.

I also agree with @KnottyAuty if you aren't diagnosed with Autism or ADHD please don't use them as labels for your fairly typical behaviours and thinking style. Posted before I saw your reply to KnottyAuty.

I (F) am married to someone (M) who has very different views on some important issues (but not this one FWIW). We are both ND. I find it extremely difficult to live with. We have been married over 20 years and over time our views have diverged rather than converged. We have kids. Most of our core values are aligned, without which we wouldn’t still be married but still. No picnic. Agree with PP: have the conversation. You will learn a lot. You may blow the relationship up but still worth doing IMO.

You are either diagnosed or youre not. It’s helpful to no one to claim traits. Causes our family a lot of problems as disability self ID means my lot aren’t taken seriously. No need to diagnose just say youre a literal thinker

This. Unpopular opinion, but I am getting increasingly annoyed at the amount of slightly quirky people who believe they are ND and are elbowing their way into the ND community. They then also end up dominating all said spaces. I understand it’s difficult to get diagnosed (especially for females) but I believe diagnosed voices are being sidelined (particularly voices of those who were diagnosed as a child, but that’s a separate issue and one that has much more nuance, then I can say here without de-railing the thread.

That’s a good point. If you can discuss this with civility and understanding youll be golden!

You believe sex is real and immutable - whether it’s reasonable or not youre going to be called a bigot. I’d say theres a fairly high chance that Lady X might be the one to say it to you, but let’s hope not 🤞🏻

It is a really good point! And it's not just about agreeing to differ, its about a willingness to explore, understand and respect another's position. I don't think OP will get the answer he needs until he's talked to her about it. OP there are many of us on this journey who have started as a "trans allie", as people who are driven by trying to be a voice for those in a weaker positin than ourselves. Maybe you will peak her! But I guess you have to be prepared to be accused of being a bigot, and maybe this is what the real issue is for you, not just to be called a bigot potentially by those on the relationships board, but by her.

if you like this person, go for a couple more ‘dates’ and see how it goes. It’s the only way you will find out whether it could actually work or not.

I do think you are rushing into things too fast however. You’ve been on one date! Yet you seam to be plaining long term. Just get to know them at this stage. The fact that you met up after a day of messaging with quite a commute is an indicator that perhaps that you are trying to go into this quite fast and I would recommend maybe slowing things down.

Can conflicting politics work in a relationship? Depends how much and what you differ on. I think in your case it’s possible that it definitely could work. But I think the main importance here is just spending time together and see how it goes.

Good luck.

I don't think you should be the guy who lectures a woman on what is or isn't a feminist issue. Despite what you might hear on here and other forums, many woman do not see feminism and supporting trans rights as incompatible; for many they are intrinsically linked. Regardless of the right of it, it never fails to come off appallingly when a man lectures women about "women's rights".

And whatever you do, don't go into a relationship intent on "educating" or "converting" her, it won't be successful and it'll patronise and annoy her. Also don't assume you know more about the issue than she does. If you're not open to listening to her perspective with a genuine open mind, then do her a favour and let her go.

I agree you should have the conversation and reveal you aren’t TRA, go gently (ie avoid talking about the batshit stuff), open mindedly and see what comes out of the conversation.

This is why you need a Strike book on the shelf behind you in your profile pic. Most people who are unwaveringly pro gender identity and cannot be flexible on this issue will spot it and not message you in the first place.

FWIW, lesbians and gay men who want a same sex relationship have sometimes used this method (or a Harry Potter book) when using 'inclusive' dating sites, as they cannot stipulate openly that they want a same sex relationship.

I've not read all the replies. I'm ignoring the trans issue because this could equally be about a devout Christian with a devout Muslim, or engaged Labour supporter and a Conservative. You are opposite in your beliefs.

Do we have a proper discussion and see whether there is any meeting of minds? That could go well, or it could expose a complete incompatibility.
This is the only way forward. Ignoring the subject won't work. Although I personally don't have any respect now for those who don't believe sex is real, and that it matters to a huge number of women. I've stopped being kind.

Good advice!

He does know that people can’t change sex. This is true. It’s not ‘lecturing’ or ‘mansplaining’ to stand by a pretty well recognised biological fact.

What utter nonsense. I'd just assume you had shit taste in books, if I even noticed. OP, please don't resort to secret codes that no one else is going to understand or probably even notice. Just be honest about your views and if someone is incompatible with you as a result, so be it.

It absolutely is mansplaining to explain feminism to a woman, it's just about the worst and most patronising form of mansplaining you can possibly do and will achieve nothing except alienating her and getting her back up.

Oh, the hardline TRAs do notice.

I think it is a sad situation, but I am reporting a suggestion that has worked for other people.

I’m sure you’ve stepped in to challenge each and every time some obnoxious genderist bro does it to a GC woman.

I missed the part where the OP said he would explain feminism to this woman, or that he intended to lecture or educate her. When the topic was raised he actually responded with a very mild comment about the content that she sent him.

I matched with a woman on a dating app recently. There was a very strong connection straight away. We had a long conversation the night we matched, then met the next day despite some distance between us. The date went very well, with real chemistry and intimacy.
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The connection felt unusually strong, although I know it is very early days. We seem to have similar neurodivergent traits, and there was that sense of recognising something in each other which can be quite rare.

From a relationships point of view please be aware of mirroring which can be used in an attempt to form an immediate and strong bond, to make you think you've found your soulmate, 'the one'. And be aware that something so strong and immediate should be treated with great caution.

Bigot is just a word thrown round by people who often have quite bigoted views themselves. It just means that they fail to understand different perspectives and hold prejudicial views against other groups. TRAs quite often meet both criteria because they don’t want to recognise the importance of sex in society and feel that discriminating against women is okay.

There are plenty of women who don’t understand feminism. Just being a woman doesn’t automatically make you a feminist. They’ve been raised in a patriarchal society to accept patriarchal ideology and norms so it’s not a surprise that many women still hold misogynistic beliefs.

It’s not problematic for the op to gently ask reasonable questions to understand why his date might hate JKR or might hold certain opinions. I think it’s great for men to championing the feminist cause.