Please help me navigate the first stages of dating, with a conflict on trans issues (I'm a guy...)

[ConfessionalPiece]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

Relevant background:

I’m male, divorced, and recently back on the dating scene after a relationship ended about three months ago.

I’m gender critical / sex realist and politically engaged (specifically on this issue, quite engaged). I care a lot about politics, debate and ideas. I also have strong ADHD and light autistic traits, which means I can be quite intense, direct, and I know I don’t always find grey areas easy.

So, I matched with a woman on a dating app recently. There was a very strong connection straight away. We had a long conversation the night we matched, then met the next day despite some distance between us. The date went very well, with real chemistry and intimacy.

Let’s call her Lady X.

There are some practical location issues, but nothing I would necessarily see as impossible if things developed.

The connection felt unusually strong, although I know it is very early days. We seem to have similar neurodivergent traits, and there was that sense of recognising something in each other which can be quite rare.

On my Tinder profile I had said I was genuinely interested in politics. She asked whether I was right wing or a Tory / Reform voter. I said I don’t really fit neatly into party labels, and that I’m more of an issues-based voter than someone tribal about one party.

Then this came up.

While chatting on messages, she mentioned she used to have an anonymous X account where she saw herself as being an ally to people getting abuse, mainly trans people. When I asked a bit more, it turned out this was around the time J.K. Rowling published her letter. Lady X said she had been pushing back against misinformation, scaremongering and bullying. When I asked more, she sent me a link to Mermaids’ response to J.K. Rowling.

I pushed back a little and said I think there are serious issues with Mermaids and that I wouldn’t automatically trust their framing.

This has left me unsure what to do.

I think this could potentially have legs. I also know I am not always easy to be in a relationship with. Partly that is because of how I see the world, partly because of ADHD/autism, although I am happy being who I am. It can just make relationships harder. So the idea of being with someone who genuinely “gets” some of that is very appealing. It could be brilliant. Or it could be a disaster.

I also know that people with our kind of brains can sometimes become very black and white about the world. I have had to work hard on this myself. Years ago, for example, I found it extremely difficult living in a world where people eat meat, because veganism felt so morally obvious to me. I have had to learn, slowly, to sit with ambiguity and difference. I still find it hard.

I am much better sitting with grey areas and ambiguity than I was in the past.

The issue is that I really don’t believe humans can change sex. I think sex matters in some contexts, and I see this as a serious feminist issue. I am struggling to work out whether this is something we could navigate.

Do we just avoid the subject? That seems unlikely to work, especially for me.

Do we have a proper discussion and see whether there is any meeting of minds? That could go well, or it could expose a complete incompatibility.

Do I walk away now and save everyone the trouble?

I want to be live-and-let-live. I genuinely want to respect differences of opinion. But when a difference of opinion touches on women’s rights and safeguarding, I find it much harder to treat it as just another political disagreement.

Am I thinking about this the wrong way?

I know this could go in Relationships, but I thought I might get a different steer here.

And yes, I do know this is only one date so far.

Maybe this is really about politics and values more broadly, and I’m focusing on the trans issue because it is currently so salient for me.

I’d really appreciate advice, especially from women here who understand the current debate.

Please be kind. I know I may be overthinking it.

Trans rights are more complicated because one can justifiably still hold the belief that trans people are entitled to human rights but as these rights can sometimes conflict with women's rights a practical compromise needs to be found.

(My italics).

This is a red herring.

To highlight that its possible to still believe trans people should have human rights is to imply that's not what most / some GC people believe.

I have never met, nor seen, nor read on any Internet forum or anywhere else any GC person advocating for the removal of trans people's human rights.

Unless these 'human rights' are actually just the wish to be treated as the opposite sex, which is not a 'right', human nor otherwise?

(Maybe it identifies as a 'human rights'?)

This is an argument usually put forward to subtly smear those with GC views as 'not caring about human rights'. And if those nasty TERFs don't care about human rights, then at best ignoring them and at worst abusing them a la www.terfisaslur.com can be justified- because what kind of monster wants to take people's human rights away?

In this way discourse can descends from 'Im right and you're wrong' into 'I'm right and you're a hateful bigot who deserves whatever they get'.

@EmilyinEverton I know you haven't specifically argued for this end point in your post, but your reasoning can and is often used to justify abuse of those with a GC viewpoint. You are casually defining some GC people as 'not caring about human rights' which is just not true. When you throw around terms without defining what you mean, eg 'human rights', doubt and misunderstanding can creep in (often a tactic willingly used to obfuscate).

OP, these are the kinds of beliefs and arguing styles that personally I couldn't bear to be around. When disagreement isn't just disagreement but justification to dismiss, smear and possibly even harm people who think like you.

It would be helpful to find out what group your date sits in :
A) ignorance of the issues
B) lack of understanding of the issues
C) Dogged belief in trans ideology

You might feel you could tolerate some of these but not others.

It's the same as any relationship where you have differing views. You navigate them either discussing them or choosing to ignore them and avoid the topic. She may find your gender critical views too much for her and choose not to continue so try not to take that too hard either

If there is a spark between you it seems as shame not to explore that further but only you and her know your red lines

Can you please desist with the offensive language. Cis is TRA speak.

Please do not reduce me to a subset of my own sex.

'We' are not scared of 'cis men'.

I, and any other woman with sense is wary of all males, whatever their gender identity.

And its just not true that most women don't mind trans identified men in their spaces.

"the vast majority of cis women are not in the least bothered by trans people."

Possibly - not sure therea re stats supporting that. But whatever - women/girls don't want men including men with a trans identity in womens spaces.

That is the ENTIRE crux of the problem. If trans identifying men stayed out of womens spaces, listened to women and understood why women need/want/deserve/and are legally entitled to spaces without ALL men, no matter how they identity, this issue would literally disappear overnight.

but while you insist on trampling all over womens/girls boundaries (while laughably professing to respect them) we will continue to have a big problem.

I would probably see how it goes... if she has trans friends or family, this will always be a live issue and it's probably not going to work out between you. If not, it's not likely to be something that comes up every day and it may or may not be an issue depending on how involved she is with it.

I think in many cases you can just manage to disagree on this issue and never bring it up - for most people it simply doesn't affect their lives very directly. (And women are more likely to be negatively affected than men.) If she's sufficiently invested to have made a Twitter account about it, however, I'd imagine you're probably best off giving up on her.

I firmly believe the most important thing in success of a long term relationship is values.

They have to align.

I am not saying my DP and I agree on everything. But a core value we both hold is the right of others to hold differing opinions. You would be surprised how many people don’t actually have that as a value.

So we agree on 90%, the 10% goes into the above category and it’s fine.

Sex being unchangeable isn’t a belief though, it’s a cold, hard fact.
So in that sense this isn’t a conflict of beliefs exactly. It isn’t like having different religions, although it might feel like that.
OP, I suppose you just have to talk and think more about this, and it will become clear whether this is a problem.
I would struggle with this though, supporting Mermaids, set up by the woman who had her son castrated the day he turned 16, is to me so wrong that I would lose any respect for that person so the relationship would never be viable.

It really isn't just like any other area where your opinions differ though.

Most differences of opinion don't involve adherence to thought terminating clichés, suppression of free speech and no debate.

Its more akin to an atheist dating a really hard line religious afficionado.

If things don't work out with Lady X, at least the OP has now discovered the excellent Strike books.

I don't think this is going to work out for you, OP. This woman sounds like a full-blown TRA. She created a sock puppet account to white knight trans people after JKR spoke up for women's rights.

Think about that. Cast your mind back to JKR's original essay. It was extremely balanced and fair. Some of her later tweets have been scathing, but the essay was as nice about the issue as it is humanly possible to be, while still standing firm against it. But your potential love interest either couldn't be bothered to read that essay, or did read it, and still came away believing JK was a bigot.

Her reaction was to go full TRA on a new Twitter account - and six years later, she's still proud of that? She's telling you because she thinks it makes her look good. Think how much has happened in the last six years, that she must have ignored. I don't think this is the kind of person you can have a conversation with.

Men just need to stay out of women's spaces and services. Then everything is fine.

https://sex-matters.org/posts/single-sex-services/poll-shows-support-for-sex-meaning-sex-in-equality-act/

'An overall majority of respondents support changing the Equality Act so that sex is defined as meaning “biological sex”. This support is across all major political parties. '

63% of the population support the EA based on biological sex. (2025)

He said he has a diagnosis in his 2nd message.

Cis just means "not trans".

Ever had "cis" shouted at you in the street or as someone beat you up? Been denied service in a shop because you were visibly cis?

Of course not. Appropriating the term "hate speech" to describe an adjective you don't agree with is deeply offensive to minorities and - yep - to women.

I'm afraid you're very out of touch. Terfs have lost most elections they stood in, becauas the vast majority of cis women just don't see "trans people existing" as a problem. Trans Mission and Trans Pride attracted tens of thousands, terf protests have to his people in to average 60.

In fact, most of us think privileged women with little else to worry about in their lives are dominating the public discourse, drowning out working-class female voices clamouring for real issues - rape culture, the removal of rape justice, institutional misogyny, the destruction of all services which once helped women, the cost of living crisis - to be discussed and remedied.

This is an echo chamber I'm afraid. And claiming ridiculous false victimhood because you disagree with an adjective shows just hyperbolic and elitist much of the terf movement really is.

I’d have thought the TRA would have realised how problematic “cis” is. I mean if women are cis women”, and cis means same dude as, then trans must mean opposite side of. And the opposite side of woman is er….man. So you’re just Reiterating that TW are in fact men. It also let’s TW know that however many surgeries they have, and drugs that take, they will never be women.

Trans women have always existed.

Safe spaces have not. They still don't.

All we have is completely public designated facilities with lockable cubicles within. Anything else is fantasy - specifically, pornographic fantasy. We aren't vestal virgins getting together to shower naked for goodness sake.

Trans women don't hate cis women, because they are women. They experience what we do. Which is to say, living with the knowledge that in any space, we are not safe. All that can increase our safety is money, power - and the good fortune of being partners with someone who doesn't abuse us.

Women are at permanent risk on public transport, walking the streets, in car parks, at home and at work. The idea that banning trans women from a completely unguarded, public space matters is laughable, yet it's given far greater prominence than any other issue.

Transphobia is cheap. Improving women's lives by addressing real, systemic issues is not. That's why it's almost exclusively popular among wealthier women - and right-wing women. it doesn't involve raising taxes or any form.of direct help.

The idea that trans women suddenly started invading us is utterly ridiculous. They have always been around, silently, in a locked cubicle somewhere taking a quiet pee. You just didn't realise it.

Trans women have always existed.

Nonsense! It's only 50-60 years ago that transexualism was invented by men with access to female hormones & genital surgery.

Transvestites i.e. male cross-dressers who get a sexual thrill out wearing women's clothes have always existed but previously were found in much smaller numbers than are found today.

We aren't vestal virgins getting together to shower naked for goodness sake.

Speak for yourself.

Sure, re your last point. I met a wanking transwoman in the ladies thirty odd years ago.

Men have always sought to test and overcome women's boundaries.

Doesn't justify their using women's spaces, though.

And to move away, if we could for five minutes, from the topic of toilets, had 'gender identity' prevailed over biological sex, every 'transman' would have lost her rights to pregnancy and maternity protection.

How the fuck is that supposed to be in the interests of trans people?

Entirely safe spaces might not exist - certainly not while men are around.

Nevertheless women want, need and are entitled to single sex spaces in life & law, free from ALL men, regardless of how those men may or may not identify.

We aren't sorry about it, we won't apologise for it and you'll just have to get over it.

Only the very worst of men will try to deny women & girls these spaces.

Only the very worst of men will feel they are entitled to override the boundaries of women and girls and enter women and girls single sex spaces.

If her dating profile said "No Tories/Reform", you should avoid immediately. Not because there is anything wrong with having the opposing opinion, but the virtue signalling in a dating profile is a massive red flag. I also fail to understand what Palestine has got to do with UK dating.

She will be someone so wed to a political ideology (and as you have said she is into trans politics too), and not willing to listen to opposing sides.

I have friends from many different political persuasions. Even for all her bluster people like Angela Rayner are friendly with the opposition.

' almost exclusively popular among wealthier women - and right-wing women'
' hyperbolic and elitist '
'privileged women with little else to worry about in their lives '

I mean, ffs.

Women are allowed to talk about their experiences, including those of violence and prejudice at the hands of men, without being sneered at by someone who attempts to chuck insults and ad homs at them. Imagine doing that?!

You want to talk about rape culture? Go right ahead.

We aren't vestal virgins getting together to shower naked for goodness sake.

So vestal virgins are something else that you have no idea about.

I do so hate to see careless ignorance so blatantly displayed.