Just found out my partner has slept with transsexuals.

[ImmyNotNewHere]

Yesterday I found emails on my partners phone from just before we met, where he is hooking up with ‘trans women’.

I know this isn’t strictly feminism, however I don’t want to post in relationships and be met with a chorus of how I need to be more ‘inclusive’ and less ‘bigoted’.

I have been with my partner for 7.5 years, and during that time he has been amazing, kind, caring, devoted. I can’t really complain at all.

however yesterday I was on his emails looking for receipts for accounting, and I searched a term and
at the bottom of the results was an email from a few months before we met, where he was replying to a transsexual on Craigslist.

I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I then searched for further Craigslist emails, and found roughly 6 more where he is replying to ‘’mature transvestite slut seems man‘ & ‘tall sexy thick black transsexual slag’ just to name a few.

He has responded in one of them that he is a ‘straight acting guy’ and in others that he is ‘bi’.

Anyway world has crumbled really. I’ve searched some of the people he was messaging and it is VILE.

I am quite sure he hasn’t been with anyone since we were together, but I still feel betrayed. He lied to me about who he is/was.

I also feel total repulsion.

we have two children and he is father to my stepson (Yes huge red flag which I am taking seriously)

I guess just need some advice.

So, it may be that he is bi, and lied about it.
It may be that he is gay, and lied about it.
It may be that he is bi or gay and was lying to himself about it.
It may be that he is deeply into a fetish and lied about it.
What is clear is that he has had sex with men, which may or may not be a red line for you. He has lied to you. He has used deeply misogynistic language. He has bought into a deeply misogynistic fantasy. And that’s all assuming that he hasn’t cheated. Only you can decide what this all means for your relationship, but there’s a lot of potential ick there.

Sorry , I'm bi myself...I do think bi men are a different kettle of fish. Most don't cheat but there is a big down low cohort who do.

Surely this issue is not whether the OP has or has not an issue with bisexual men, but the fact that he is now married to her and might not be exclusively attracted to and faithful to her. That’s what she needs to think about not her attitude to bisexuality.

We can all be generous and liberal when it’s someone else else’s relationship. How many relationships is he going to have?

He may not be cheating though.

Whether he is or not, OP should know whether he is bi. He should have said..

It's logical, as a transwoman is a man. So I'm not sure why you've "read it all now". Personally, if I was in that position, I'd have concerns about any long term relationship, and I don't do sex outside a committed relationship, but I can't see any reason why a straight woman couldn't find a transwoman attractive. They're not all bricks or over-sexualised dolls.

Having more potential people doesn't necessarily make cheating more likely..but sadly I thunk men are more likely to cheat & more sexually driven on average. So possibly bi men may be more likely to miss the fact they can't have gay sex anymore..

You might want to have sex with a man who is wearing stockings, a mini skirt, a padded bra and lipstick - I can assure you that most women would feel quite sick at the prospect.

Well he used grossly misogynist language and also appears to have paid for sex.

Are you suggesting he was 'experimenting' with being a sexist creep? Sadly most men who are misogynists never change.

Well, no, I wouldn't have a very different reaction! You do know that transwomen are not actually obliged to do any of those things, though?

It's not just like finding out he's gay or bi though is it??. Although that would be justifiably distressing enough if you had been told he was straight.

He's not just had sex with men, he's had sex with men who pretend to be women. That is a very specific fetish, and it is fine, indeed normal, to have disgust responses to other people's fetishes that you do not share.

To find out someone who you are intimate with has indulged in a quite extreme fetish understandably rocks the trust that your intimacy is based on. I would find the thoughts of intimacy with man who likes to have sex with other men who are pretending to be women repellent.

On top of this is the withholding of this information which means your informed consent to intimacy is questionable.
You would not have consented to intimacy had you known.

Then there's the whole buying sex, or at least hook up sex culture, which I would also find repellent.

It would be very hard for me to move forward on this, and just because other people don't feel its an issue, does not mean it's wrong that you do.

It’s very likely that the OP’s husband is a closeted gay man.

This is a deal breaker for most women. They do not wish to marry gay men.

It seems if the OP knew about this before they got together, she wouldn’t have entered a relationship with him. Never mind marrying him.

Back on topic, it's a horrible discovery to have made. As someone who has come through a devastating betrayal, it's a very hard path, and in the end it boils down to how much the relationship means to you, and whether you are prepared to take the risk of further betrayal and the pain that would cause. And if you are responsible for children, their wellbeing has to be a very important factor. Judging what is best for them may be tricky. There is a lot we don't know about even the closest people in our lives, and we take a lot on trust, so when trust is damaged we are left in a very uncertain place.

She has been with him 7.5yrs and hasn’t noticed any misogynistic language or behaviour till she found these emails so maybe!

how has he hidden that language and those behaviours without her noticing for 7.5yrs

Oh yes, I totally get that. But I made my clarification at a point in the thread when all the responses made it clear that they had read the OP as referring to current behaviour, rather than activities which predated the relationship.

The same way men hide a lot of things from women for many, many years! The same way women find out after 16 years that their husband has cheated the entire relationship. The same way the family of Dennis Rader and John Wayne Gacey, both whom had wives and children, had absolutely no idea they were serial killers. Men are good at living double lives.

And the issue isn't that he's bi or homosexual, it's that he was with transwomen. Sadly, data shows that per capita they are more likely to sexually offend and per capita, to abuse children. Hence her concern. That's not being 'phobic' by the way, it's actual data.

It's none of your business. The only slithering is from you to start with.

OP says partner. That's clue for not married. Otherwise she would have said DH/husband.

They're in a relationship!!! OF COURSE it's her business what her partner's sexuality is! Are you serious?

Your partner isn't gay OP, he has a fetish. A pretty grim one, which involves degradation.

Fetishes tend to cluster. Men who have one tend to have others. Usually other pretty grim ones, probably also involving degrading others or himself in some other ways associated with pretending to be women.

I slept with women before I met my husband. I love him with all my heart and I would never cheat on him. I'm astonished how many people on here can't accept that people can have A PAST?!?!

Too many people meet someone, realise that there's something in their past that won't sit well with their partner so they keep it too themselves because a) they're afraid their partner will leave and b) they think their partner will never find out so it will be OK. The Ops living proof that the shock of discovery and the lying that goes with it is far more damaging. I'd now feel very differently about him @ImmyNotNewHere because he had no right to take away your right to choose, you should have been allowed to make an informed choice

But did you have a fetish, and were you upfront with your husband about that past? Did you lie when asked about it?

Yeah. There is a major difference.

The issue at the heart of this is OP can’t handle her partners sexual past. That’s her issue and she entitled to be not ok with it but it is HER issue.

Partner has done nothing wrong. Has in OP own words been loving and caring. So all these suggestions of Std checks and child safety concerns are scaremongering of your own fear and intolerances.

so what he used filthy language. Most of you word have a fit if you heard how your husbands really talk down the pub or to the work colleagues. His language was probably non wise I imagine. If you believe otherwise you’re naive.

We can all be generous and liberal when it’s someone else else’s relationship. How many relationships is he going to have?

• bisexual people per se aren't bound to want to have multiplle relationships or feel unfulfilled in one.

I think sex is the issue here. As in, biological sex...OP's partner is a man and they are more likely to stray anyway for sexual reasons. Him being bisexual adds an extra layer to that. It doesn't guarantee it but if he's into hookups I think that makes it more likely.