Living as a woman

[MissScarletInTheBallroom]

This is a thread for people to give examples of experiences which constitute "living as a woman".

I'll go first.

Peeing on a pregnant test and waiting anxiously to see whether a second line appears.

• Post-coital cystitis.
• Sexual assault aged eight.
• Breasts at eight.
• Periods at nine.
• Catcalled in school uniform, fucking paedophiles.
• Mechanics talking to my boyfriend who didn't even have a driving when getting a tyre changed on holiday, even though I was asking all the questions.
• PPE not fitting, especially boilersuits, gloves, and safety boots.
• Tools and cellphones are too big for my hands.
• Getting catcalled whilst running.
• Being scared to run at night.
• New colleagues do a double-take when they see a woman in my role.
• Screaming my way through my first IUD fitting without pain relief, all so that shitty ex could bareback.
• Never orgasming during penetrative sex.
• Landlords talking to me about the cleaning when viewing a flat with shitty ex.
• Menstrual cramps.
• Endometriosis.

I cannot sufficiently recommend the specialist funnels one can buy for this purpose.

I spy with my little eye [https://4w.pub/the-rules-of-misogyny/ Rules Three and Nine]].

Rule Three: Women speaking for themselves are exclusionary and selfish.

Rule Nine: Men always know the “real reasons” for everything women do and say.

Yep! The gift that keeps on giving- knobbly, irregular and non elastic stitches, a little reminder of the experience of a mismanaged birth for every occasion where elasticity matters.

Living as a woman means going about your daily life with two X chromosomes inside every cell in your body.

Being told to keep pushing for three hours, while shouting over and over that this is my third time and the baby is not moving, followed by swearing through1000 stupid questions before a spinal can be given, to be greeted with surprised amazement when I complied instantly at the point when they finally asked me something rational and useful (get into position for said spinal).

Clearly being exasperated and impolite when in extreme pain, due to the extreme stupidity of the maternity routines (not the staff) is assumed to be a sign of being a difficult woman

Epidural not working, so spending twelve hours in awful pain, staring at the wall and telling myself that at least I was giving birth in a modern hospital, so both me and my baby were likely to come out of it alive and well (and indeed, a modern hospital was needed, as it all ended in an emergency c-section when the baby wouldn't align himself.)

My only source of comfort was the silent presence of my husband - but then a few months later he said that watching me suffer and being powerless to do anything about it had been too horrible for him, so if we had another child, he wouldn't stay by my side as I went through labour.

Plucking up the courage to go to the GP after months of struggling with PND after my second DC’s traumatic and near fatal birth and being shut down mid sentence and told by the GP with a sneer, ‘my wife has THREE children and SHE copes. You need to just get on with it’. I remember leaving the GP surgery being more sure than ever that everyone would be better off without me.

Living as a woman for me has involved having women at the centre of my emotional life, wonderful, passionate, capable, witty, desirable women who brought joy to my heart - and sometimes broke it, but that's OK

I loved them for who they were, but I was attracted to them in the first place because they were women like me, the sine qua non of being a lesbian.

Hosting Christmas dinner and Boxing Day again when you have a severe cold possibly the flu to then have the man who gave you the germs and is basically over it claiming they so very poorly like they genuinely believe this is a competition they must win.

Having my GP surgery send me a questionnaire requiring blood pressure readings in order to justify continuing prescriptions of HRT — three days before Christmas FFS!

When I broke my elbow and wrist a male doctor held my wrist down to stop me moving while they drilled screws into my elbow. I cried out in pain and said my wrist was also broken. He did not believe me until a more senior male doctor told him I was right and to stop pulling my wrist. Still not sure why I could not have pain relief before all this anyway!

Some women are X0 (Turner). Some women are XX/XY chimeras (fused twins) with the female cells making up the gonads.

All women have partially- or fully-developed Mullerian ducts and atrophied Wolffian ducts.

Witnessing ageing relatives make sexist and fatphobic comments towards women on TV.

Never make similar remarks about the men though, do they?

I'm not at all denying all the negative and often distressing examples given in other posts, I'd just like to say positive things about living as a woman, which men can never do - my example was being a lesbian.

I've expanded that thought to living as a woman in the sense of just being a woman to other women: getting into a lift where there is a woman and knowing that she won't feel threatened; understanding when a colleague is feeling rotten because of her period; knowing why a mother has to prioritise her child over everything; relaxing when you see that the only people on the late night train are women..

There are positive aspects of 'living as a woman' that men can never do, and never experience.

You make a good point, @MarieDeGournay

I've become very aware over the years - particularly the last one - that women have social support networks, and deep friendships, that most men (IME) just don't seem to have. We can get together and talk about issues in our lives and offer help and suggestions, and prop each other up. The men I know don't seem to do this.

Aspects of being female are undoubtedly shitty, but female friendships are something very special.

I don't. I suspect that it's because my autistic brain doesn't know how to deal with others well enough to maintain a friendship. Plus, social interactions are exhausting.

It's similar for me but not in the same way. I've always found making friends difficult, so have never had many of them. I also find being in groups exhausting and, after a short time, often can't get away fast enough. Fortunately DH is the same and we've run away from many parties over the years.

Saying that, I've been close to enough women to find that getting to know each other has a pleasure to it that I've never experienced with a man. The trust, openness and easy friendliness is a real joy. Even within a short space of time, you somehow transmit a vast amount of information between you, sometimes so intensely that the whirring of cogs is almost audible. Do men experience this? I have no idea.

Not being allowed to wear trousers to school, it had to be a skirt.

Being the default parent.

Needing to be super knowledgable about cars & DIY etc, when discussing things with mechanics or workmen because otherwise they assume you know nothing and will patronise or even try to rip you off.

Just being patronised or belittled in general because you’re just a woman.

Never knowing if someone male (even if they are not single) is talking to you because they actually enjoy your company or if they are really just hoping for a shag.

Being violently raped and sexually assaulted.

Getting touched up in the corridor at school (age 12-13). I turned around and slapped the boy who did it before realising a (female) teacher was walking the other way. She just gave me a nod of approval and moved on……

I know it’s old, but it’s still informative that a group of women discussing exclusively female experiences is somehow ‘mean’. I doubt eg Men In Sheds get called mean and exclusionary - so there’s another female experience!

Having to wear skirts to school as trousers were not allowed for girls until I was in sixth form and out of uniform. One of the girls I knew a few years below being put in isolation for wearing the wrong brand of trousers (there was a very specific list of allowed trousers. The boys did not have the same restrictions). Having to climb various open staircases with boys trying to look up your skirt.

Being given a free rape alarm at university.

Being told to walk home with keys between your fingers in case someone attacks you.

Being very aware of footsteps behind you when you’re walking alone.

Being told you’re frumpy if you don’t wear miniskirts, but you’re asking for it if you do.

Medical professionals having no interest in extremely heavy or wildly irregular periods unless you’re TTC (at which point they’ll investigate as it’s now impacting a man’s life too).

Oh god yes, being told to get my coil fitted ASAP, because my partner was having an emotional affair when our second baby was 3 months old….

This is an interesting thread.

As I read along, I was categorising the experiences as (1) possible only for those with female bodies (2) arising from being perceived to be female, whether or not this is the case (3) possible for both sexes.