Non fatal strangulation and choking during sex

[ArabellaScott]

Grim read.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62zwy0nex0o

Seriously? Why are you with him?

I'm sorry @Needanewnamey but he probably knows by now you don't like it but does it anyway.

Ask your self - is the reason why you've not put your foot down so far because deep down, you're afraid he won't listen, will go directly against what you've asked anyway, and then you'll have to look at him as a different person? And you don't want to find out what's under that rock?

Hardly any pressure is required to kill someone. Listen to this:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0029395

We found out DH's friend was into this. He took it too far and was found dead in a hotel room with a chain around his neck. Apparently, he had told another friend the more he was doing to himself and to the women he was having sex with the more he felt the need to keep pushing the boundaries, he said it was like a drug and he couldn't get enough of it. He obviously paid the ultimate cost for his kink.

I fear for my 17 year old dd, some of the things lads her age are saying to her are worrying. They have been brought up with hard core porn, they truly believe this is normal behaviour amongst couples.

Sad to say my ex did this too. When I was in my 20's I didn't really think about it other than sometimes feeling a bit uncomfortable about it. When I got to my 30's and started engaging with Mumsnet more and reading about strangulation in porn, it clicked and I think he was emulating porn and it made me extremely uncomfortable thinking that it was him almost playing out a porn/strangulation fantasy without me knowing about it. Glad he's my ex and I can tell DD that hands round the throat in sex is a BIG red flag for porn use and misogyny.

What the hell?!

What does your husband get out of it though @HomeBodyClub? Why does he like doing it?

I wish the world just had women in it, except our lovely sons and the good, kind men we know. The rest can fuck off to the moon on a one way ticket and terrorise themselves!

OMG why dont you discuss it? He could kill you.

I cannot understand why anyone would keep doing this - clearly highly risky and not at all fun for the person being strangled. My late DH, who was happy to try lots of things, never suggested strangling me - said it was utterly stupid and dangerous.

This is rather scary and vile…

I am all for do what you want but it must be consensual!! And the pros & cons need to be discussed and full comprehension of what could go wrong.

In 20 years my DH has never tried this, and he’d be told no if he ever mentioned it we do have a very active fulfilling sex life we each have preferences etc I do have issues with my neck being touched due to have an anaphylactic reaction and not being able to breathe

I worry what my teenagers feel is normal and we will need to start having discussions around it, the unregulated porn industry has a lot to answer for.

One of the biggest issues with this is the majority of people (men, usually) don’t know how to do it correctly. You should never, ever put force down on the front of the neck. Squeeze the sides, don’t ever - EVER - press down on the windpipe. There are still risks involved when done correctly. If someone wants to do these things and isn’t taking it extremely seriously, doing it with care/is being rough, don’t entertain it. It should only be done with extreme trust and understanding of the risks and how/why it can be pleasurable for the receiving party.

If consensual couples wish to experiment with again, consensual things. That’s their business. It is not, however, okay to do this without clearing consent first. Having consent to have sex is not consent to choke someone. Nor is it consent to perform other acts of BDSM.

Any time someone wants to choke via an act of even “play” aggression or as part of being “rough” is a major red flag. It should be to benefit the person in the vulnerable position.

It is frightening that this is so normalised. A large percentage of women’s murders by male partners is from fatal strangulation. It usually seems to be the males strangling their partners too (not always), women don’t seem to be getting off by doing it. I also wouldn’t trust a man who gets off doing this to stop at the point of ejaculation either… just an extra little squeeze/press and you’re dead. We are teaching our young people about boundaries and consent but this is being normalised. It’s dangerous and wrong.

The normalising of this act is pretty recent and coincides with the easy availability of pornography. I feel sad for young women these days, that they are expected to perform
to the ‘standards’ set by what men now view as ‘normal’ sexual acts.

Stbxh did this to me once but seemed genuinely surprised that I was freaked out by it and was then very apologetic and never did it again. Turned out he was using porn incredibly frequently and it was one of the factors that ended the marriage. When i found out, that moment made a lot more sense. I do think porn is normalising things that otherwise wouldn't be normalised for young men especially and is part of the issues behind this.

What!! Why the hell do you have sex with him at all! Madness!!

The utter manipulation of language is also disturbinb.
It's not breath play, it's strangulation, in the same way a pedophile is a pedophile, not a "minor attracted person."

And i am guessing that you did not fully understand the dangers involved at the time?
And are not trying to "sell" it as safe either

Why on earth not?

My husband does this too but I asked him to. It was my idea, not his.
If you're not in to it then I wouldn't expect you to understand but we enjoy it.
I trust him not to do it too hard or for too long. But I wouldn't do it in a one night stand/short relationship, I need to totally trust someone before I let them do anything like this.

I just think everyone has different kinks that can be explored safely in a happy and healthy relationship. Totally inappropriate to do this without having discussed before and without someone you trust implicitly. I enjoy my husband putting his hand around my neck when we have sex but this is only something I felt safe enough to explore after years of being with my husband.

This is awful. I'm so sorry.

I'm really sorry you went through all that.
It strikes me thst your experience with the police is an example of the huge double standard in all this. I am old enough to JUST remember Operation Spanner being in the News (hastily switched off/hidden when my parents realised!). This was when a group of gay men were prosecuted for sado-masochistic practices - I think part of the ruling was that they couldn't consent to actual bodily harm, and yet "sex game gone wrong" is now a useful defence against a murder charge when a woman is strangled and killed.
I know part of the Spanner case was that it was about criminalising gay men, but I do also think there is something in there about the relative value placed on male and female lives and on who is protected in cases like this.

NC for this as I've told this story to people in real life so its outing. TW this describes graphic non consensual sex acts.

I went on a date once with a guy off an app- it was clearly a hook up, neither one of us were looking for anything more, all fine and consensual. We went for a few drinks first and aside from the fact we clearly didn't have much in common beyond wanting to sleep together, he seemed fine and normal.

We went back to mine and had sex- he was on top and and then moved up so I could give him oral sex. He straddled me while doing so, pinning my arms to my sides, and choking me round my neck with both hands. I couldn't move (he was much bigger than me) and couldn't breathe properly- I couldn't say anything either due to his penis being in my mouth. I was trying to communicate to him with my eyes that I was struggling to breathe, but as we were total strangers communicating in a non verbal way was very difficult as we didn't know or were able to read one another.

After he finished I told him that I didn't want to do that and that he should have stopped. He was genuinely surprised that I wasn't into it.

I don't necessarily think he had bad intentions (although I am not minimising that he sexually assaulted me) but it was really scary being in that situation, especially with a total stranger.