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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Non fatal strangulation and choking during sex

725 replies

ArabellaScott · 13/03/2025 07:39

Grim read.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c62zwy0nex0o

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ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 16/03/2025 13:46

DearDenimEagle · 15/03/2025 16:24

It’s an Andrew Tate thing isn’t it? Women want to be strangled and raped. And usually, it would be rapists who choke or strangle women into submission.
I can’t believe women actually ask to be strangled or choked. Choking might take longer to do damage. Restricting blood supply is quicker and easier.

It is never safe
It's not just the risk of immediate death. It’s the cumulative effect on the brain with memory loss and the risk of a stroke. Or heart attack.

Mess with the heart rate and blood can pool , which leads to clots, which cause strokes. I’ve had a stroke..paralysed my left side . No left leg or arm movements. Speech affected because the facial muscles stopped working. Sense of taste gone. Ability to swallow even water diminished. 50% chance of dying within 5 years. Permanent feeling of vertigo. And I was lucky. It didn’t kill me. And it was on the right hand side of my brain. Far worse on the left.
I had had temporary flutterings of the heart. 99% of the time, my heart rate is regular.
Why the hell do young women want to risk permanent disability for a momentary thrill? Or give the power to a man to hold your life in his hands? What if you’ve upset him and you think this is make up sex? But he’s got you helpless? It’s insanity to think being at risk to make sex less vanilla is the way to go. Even if it’s not a stroke, but memory loss.

Apologies...It may be that I can't quite believe what I am reading, but I don't know if I have understood your post. Are you saying that you had a stroke as a result of strangulation/choking?

Others on here have suggested it can happen, but it's quite something else to read about someone who has suffered this. So sorry.

McSilkson · 16/03/2025 14:45

bananascentedhair · 16/03/2025 04:33

Just to add. There’s a very popular, mainstream song by Jack Harlow which was played on the mainstream radio and had accompanying dance routines all over TikTok etc in 2023/2024 called Lovin on Me. The chorus was

I don't like no whips and chains, and you can't tie me down
But you can whip your lovin' on me, baby
Whip your lovin' on me, baby
I'm vanilla, baby, I'll choke you, but I ain't no killer, baby (I don't like no whips and chains)

Highlights just how normalised and mainstream choking seems to be becoming, this isn’t the only song like this out there.

Absolutely horrific!

Complete with the use of that dastardly term, "vanilla", which here appears to denote a man who will strangle a woman without (the intention of) killing her! (Could still happen, though. Oops.) And interesting that the singer presumably likes strangling, but not whips and chains used on himself. Reinforcing those age-old gender roles: man = aggressor and potential woman-killer, woman = victim/recipient of male violence (whether she sees herself that way or not).

So, "vanilla", already insulting and patronising to people who feel able to have satisfactory sex without inflicting or receiving harm, has now morphed to basically mean anyone who isn't a serial killer... The bar is below hell. Next up: "vanilla" being used for people who aren't into the super-hot practice of "sexual" waterboarding!

bananascentedhair · 16/03/2025 15:23

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 16/03/2025 13:41

He continued doing it to you because he thought it enhanced your orgasm. When he told you it didn't he still continued. I'm glad that you are no longer with him.

So am I!

He violated my sexual boundaries a number of times whilst we were together, sadly my self esteem was not where it should have been to have spoken up in the way I should have. Though I did get stronger at the end and I am so glad to be away from him now.

DearDenimEagle · 16/03/2025 16:12

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 16/03/2025 13:46

Apologies...It may be that I can't quite believe what I am reading, but I don't know if I have understood your post. Are you saying that you had a stroke as a result of strangulation/choking?

Others on here have suggested it can happen, but it's quite something else to read about someone who has suffered this. So sorry.

No. Not as a result of choking etc , but knowing first hand what a life altering change a stroke gives , even when one can appear to have recovered some part, I would not recommend taking risks for thrills.
I was healthy living in general, outdoorsy, fit. I had also cared for stroke survivors in their 30s and 40s who were bed or chair bound for life, unable to feed , wash, dress themselves. So it can happen to anyone regardless.

That does not mean messing about with circulation or breathing is a sensible way to find pleasure and while death during the act is always a possibility, it is not the only risk and you can heave a sigh of pleasure when relaxing afterwards, but you don’t know the damage your actions might have already precipitated. I woke in the middle of the night, unable to move one leg and one arm or speak clearly. To change position, I was flopping around like a dying fish on a riverbank.
The pain I still have every day would put anyone off for life, if they experienced it.
This is a trend, like smoking, vaping, etc that should be highlighted and have awareness raised.

I know extreme sports etc carry risks. People need that chemical buzz from risk…but they know they are at risk. Not everyone that goes in for strangulation is aware of the wider risks beyond immediate death, which they think they have control over.

TinyFlamingo · 16/03/2025 19:08

Iloveeverycat · 13/03/2025 08:50

What! you have put up with this for 15 years. It's illegal.

Edited

It wasn't illegal until really recently in the covid DA legal update. Before it wasn't illegal which is disgusting!

Mush62 · 16/03/2025 19:17

Needanewnamey · 13/03/2025 07:50

I was thinking about this yesterday. Why do men seem to enjoy it? DH does this to me every time we have sex… it’s never been discussed, it’s just “normal”.

It bloody ain't "normal"!!!

Cotonsugar · 16/03/2025 19:32

RaininSummer · 13/03/2025 07:57

The idea of choking is horrible and strikes me as an expression of men's underlying dislike of women and the need to show dominance. It was not a thing ever heard of when I was a young woman. I worry for my granddaughters.

“Women constantly underestimate how much men hate us.” -Germaine Greer

AngelinaFibres · 16/03/2025 19:40

raininginlanzarote · 13/03/2025 09:05

Fucking hell I am so glad I'm old...

This. All the young women happily engaging in anal sex will find themselves anally incontinent in later life ( like all the gay, male bottoms have always done).
And all these people happily engaging in auto erotica will end up with some kind of devastating neurological degeneration. You cannot restrict the supply of oxygen to your brain( however gently or briefly) without damaging your brain in the long term .

ScrollingLeaves · 16/03/2025 22:08

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/03/2025 21:13

I certainly didn't "enjoy" the violence, although I was once told by someone on a crisis line that i probably did. His reasoning was that I would have left already if i didn't. The problem was that the violent abuser refused to leave the house (I had bought it before I met him, and was the only person on the deeds. I didn't want to leave the home i had worked so hard for. Another reason I didn't leave was because he wouldn't let me. I thought he would end up killing me. My brain at the time was preoccupied by different strategies to keep myself alive, to the exclusion of all else. I was obsessed with finding a way to escape. I really don't want to perpetuate this idea that women become addicted to violence and like it.

That crisis line person needs sacking. It was outrageous of them to tell you you enjoyed it.

UtopiaPlanitia · 08/07/2025 12:39

That is terrifying, legimately terrifying that men are doing this and considering it normal sexual behaviour.

DialSquare · 08/07/2025 12:50

Young women today have had such a number done on them. Not only are they under pressure from porn addled males, they have peer pressure on top telling them not to be vanilla or kink shame. Heartbreaking.

Waitwhat23 · 08/07/2025 13:06

On Twitter, where women have shared this article, the comments from porn addled men are invariably 'God, your sex life must be so vanilla!!'.

As if it's impossible to have a satisfying sex life without agreeing to be strangled during sex.

It really is dispiriting.

guinnessguzzler · 08/07/2025 13:14

Whereas of course, if you spend any time reading threads about dating on here, it's obvious that those men using significant amounts of porn and expecting sex to match will struggle to have much of a sex life beyond 40 or 50 because even with pills to get it up they won't actually be able to orgasm.

If a man wants to put hands on your throat he's a wrong 'un.

maltravers · 08/07/2025 18:34

DialSquare · 08/07/2025 12:50

Young women today have had such a number done on them. Not only are they under pressure from porn addled males, they have peer pressure on top telling them not to be vanilla or kink shame. Heartbreaking.

And we wonder why they choose to be “men”.

MugPlate · 08/07/2025 20:30

Waitwhat23 · 08/07/2025 13:06

On Twitter, where women have shared this article, the comments from porn addled men are invariably 'God, your sex life must be so vanilla!!'.

As if it's impossible to have a satisfying sex life without agreeing to be strangled during sex.

It really is dispiriting.

From the Guardian today:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jul/08/my-boyfriend-is-almost-perfect-but-hes-too-vanilla-in-bed

My boyfriend is almost perfect – but he’s too vanilla in bed

He is kind, caring, romantic and makes sure I always have a healthy packed lunch. So why am I fantasising about sex with more adventurous partners?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jul/08/my-boyfriend-is-almost-perfect-but-hes-too-vanilla-in-bed

TENSsion · 08/07/2025 20:33

I’d love to see research on the prevalence of risky sex in conjunction with traumatic childhoods. I’d be interested to know if there was any correlation and causation.

RogueFemale · 08/07/2025 23:46

Needanewnamey · 13/03/2025 07:50

I was thinking about this yesterday. Why do men seem to enjoy it? DH does this to me every time we have sex… it’s never been discussed, it’s just “normal”.

deleted, didn't realise how old this thread is

lifeonmars100 · 09/07/2025 00:36

I have just read the Guardian piece and while I was aware that this was a"thing" due to the prevelance of online porn and that it had been used as a defence in murder trials, this article was one of the most upsetting and troubling things I have read. Do these foul men ever crave being choked themselves, no of course they don't, it is all about contempt for women, dehumanising women, getting kicks from sexual violence and ridiculing and despising any woman who does not want to do such things . Not all men of course but always men. Made me glad I am old, this was never a "thing" when I was young, we would have considered that any bloke seeing this as normal was a dangerous perve.

lifeonmars100 · 09/07/2025 00:36

I have just read the Guardian piece and while I was aware that this was a"thing" due to the prevelance of online porn and that it had been used as a defence in murder trials, this article was one of the most upsetting and troubling things I have read. Do these foul men ever crave being choked themselves, no of course they don't, it is all about contempt for women, dehumanising women, getting kicks from sexual violence and ridiculing and despising any woman who does not want to do such things . Not all men of course but always men. Made me glad I am old, this was never a "thing" when I was young, we would have considered that any bloke seeing this as normal was a dangerous perve.

LoveFridaynight · 09/07/2025 10:37

Why is everyone convinced it's to do with porn? I'm going to get there were women getting choked during sex before porn. Most ideas don't come from porn. Porn comes from acts that are already taking place.
Also I do watch porn sometimes with DH and have never seen a scene of choking. Which suggests you have to look for it. Which suggests the man (or woman) is already interested
Like I said choking was my Idea. He doesn't do it every time or for very long but it's something we enjoy. Lots of things in life are dangerous but we still do them.

Datun · 09/07/2025 12:24

LoveFridaynight · 09/07/2025 10:37

Why is everyone convinced it's to do with porn? I'm going to get there were women getting choked during sex before porn. Most ideas don't come from porn. Porn comes from acts that are already taking place.
Also I do watch porn sometimes with DH and have never seen a scene of choking. Which suggests you have to look for it. Which suggests the man (or woman) is already interested
Like I said choking was my Idea. He doesn't do it every time or for very long but it's something we enjoy. Lots of things in life are dangerous but we still do them.

Just so long as he knows that your consent is not a defence

What the Law Says. Choking is illegal in England & Wales, even if done consensually. Non-fatal strangulation (NFS) is a criminal offense with a maximum sentence of 5 years in prison. If serious harm occurs, consent is NOT a defense.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 09/07/2025 12:34

No one is claiming that online porn invented “choking” as a sex act, but that it has contributed massively to its spread and normalisation in society.

lifeonmars100 · 09/07/2025 12:47

LoveFridaynight · 09/07/2025 10:37

Why is everyone convinced it's to do with porn? I'm going to get there were women getting choked during sex before porn. Most ideas don't come from porn. Porn comes from acts that are already taking place.
Also I do watch porn sometimes with DH and have never seen a scene of choking. Which suggests you have to look for it. Which suggests the man (or woman) is already interested
Like I said choking was my Idea. He doesn't do it every time or for very long but it's something we enjoy. Lots of things in life are dangerous but we still do them.

Of course it is not new, there is, as the old saying goes, nothing new under the sun. There has been porn since time immemorial. But what we have now due to technology is the widespread availabilty of porn. Just wondering if your DH ever wants you to choke him, the practice does seem to be confined to men doing it to women in heterosexual relationships. This might be something worth pondering on given that we all have necks and hands .