Advice please: Dreading TRA friend's visit

[BetsyBobbin]

My husband has a friend from school who's coming to stay in our city this bank holiday. Although I'm friendly with her she was never my actual friend so I never knew her well.

She'll be here for four days and is staying with a gay couple whom she's friends with and who are very much part of the blue hair/alphabet soup brigade as far as I could see (she created a WhatsApp group and included all of us in, some brief conversations have been had). Outings as a large group have been organised.

She started following me on social media recently and I followed her back just to be gobsmacked by what I saw. Yes, you can guess, all the TWAW stuff.

Now, this woman is an educated person, works as a public defender and has an eight year old daughter and I just don't understand for the life of me how can someone who who works in law and has a daughter could be so captured like that (I do have theories but never mind that now).

Now, I'm staunchly GC. Having said that, I don't want to cause any drama and I'm hoping that those outings will be finished sooner than you can say "JK Rowling". BUT, if anything remotely TRA related is brought up I don't trust myself to remain silent.

I'm obviously not changing anyone's mind in a brief conversation but is there anything that I can say that could at least plant a seed of doubt in her head? I really don't want to get into long arguments trying to explain autogynephilia and what could happen to her daughter in a changing room but like I said, I don't trust myself to be quiet either.

I'm dreading this whole situation, send help please.

Then OP should make some excuse not to meet.

From the sounds of it, the visit will only end in tears.

She isn't being lectured or harassed.

She went looking on this person's social media page and didn't like what she saw.

The visitor hasn't said anything to her.

She didn't "go looking ". The woman went looking for her so she followed her back.

She has at no point indicated even remotely she doesn't support everyone's human rights.

She is concerned with being lectured and harassed based on what she saw on SM.

It goes both ways.

I'm sure people who don't have gender critical views may not wish to have to listen to anti-trans diatribes.

I think it would be very difficult to make a statement like this with a straight face when you use silly contemptuous phrases like the ‘blue hair brigade’ as the OP does.

Avoiding the gathering is probably the best choice.

@Christinapple

Why mention gay rights? That has nothing to do with trans people.

Fortunately the OP didn't suggest or imply she's anti trans or any such thing and has made it clear she was looking for ways to defend and educate should the woman go off into an unhinged rant, rather than having any intention of bringing up her own standard, accepted views.

So, tonight's the night, I shall report back here 🫡

What if OP does a JK Rowling and goes off into an unhinged rant about trans people?

I'm looking forward to OP's next thread when they talk about how noone wants to visit anymore.

JK Rowling talks about women's rights.

@Christinapple

So, could you explain why "I respect every trans person’s right to live any way that feels authentic and comfortable to them. I’d march with you if you were discriminated against on the basis of being trans" is an unhinged rant for you?

Interesting to hear how it goes

My approach to being with people who have opposing views on this (or anything else ) is to simply, pleasantly say " well we clearly have very different options on that so let's not spoil the day by going there". And the refuse to discuss further.

Don't talk about it, I've lost a few dear friends over this and wish the conversations had just not happened. Funnily enough they're all well educated public sector types with daughters too 😭

Last I heard, she was babbling about a trans referee who was doing nothing wrong except existing and going about their own business.

It isn't even about women's rights at this point, it's just a trans-obsession. Even Elon Musk (who is as gender critical as you can get) politely pointed this out to her.

#nodebate amirite

That football manager was being hailed as a stunning and brave female football manager when the truth is that they are just another pale, stale male in football only this time with added pronouns.

It's bad enough that women are so underrepresented in football but to pretend that yet another man in football is actually a woman is just offensive and gaslighting.

"babbling" = having an opinion

Context here: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13409027/JK-Rowling-trans-row-transgender-football-manager-bloke.html

That's twice I've posted that DM link today. Who'da thunk it? Oh well, needs must.

The reason I suggested she talks to her husband first is because this person is her husband's friend.

So if I were in that situation, before I started planning how do deal with any trans chat, I'd want to know his views on the matter.

I wouldn't care too much about having a disagreement with a casual acquaintance I never have to see again, but I wouldn't want to have a horrible marital row over the fact that I'd fallen out with someone really important to my husband.

If he said, "Look, I know you feel strongly about this but it will ruin my night if there's a big fight so can you please just keep your thoughts to yourself if it comes up?" I'd probably say, "Fine, but if it comes up I'm faking a headache and going home early."

If he said, "Say what you like if it comes up, I don't care", then I wouldn't be risking a row with him later.

These clowns aren't worth that much aggro.

"Babbling about" "going off on an unhinged rant" - It is pretty obvious that you don't know what she has said and your language is pretty mysognistic too @Christinapple Maybe you should find out what she actually stands for before weighing in with this rubbish.

What exactly was JK Rowling hoping to achieve by posting her on her twitter to 14 million followers? More than once I believe. And then usually every opinion she has becomes a news article for the daily mail. This means a lot of attention is on the trans woman who often receive a lot of abuse as a result.

Was the trans woman referee a sex offender who did something bad in a woman's space? Nope.

Were they running in a woman's race and came 1st beating every other woman? Nope.

From what I saw it's just a happily married woman doing her job who has the support of her team and club, and friends who think very low of JK Rowling over what she did.

As the trans referee said herself, out of her and JK Rowling, who is the happy one and who is the bitter one?

but is there anything that I can say that could at least plant a seed of doubt in her head?

Would you appreciate her trying to sew a seed of doubt in your mind? If not, then why do you think you have the right to try to do that to her?

You both have entrenched views, so just stay off the subject. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, it's simply pointless for either of you to engage the other on the subject, and unfair to those around you.

The OP is only trying to prepare herself for how to respond if this person brings the subject up.

If you don't want to hear someone else's views on this matter, you're better off sticking to safer topics of conversation. If she does that, everything will be fine.

But if someone starts saying this stuff in front of me, damn right I'm going to try to plant seeds.