Great. Son now says he’s trans.

[dangermouseisace]

I am doing my best non judgemental listening but oh my god.

Middle child is “non binary”. Eldest today says the reason he’s not eating properly and why he was unhappy 4 years ago is because he’ll never be happy as a man, and he wants hormones surgery the lot.

I have been clear about my opinion re gender throughout their lives. I am glad they feel able to speak to me but I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll book him a dr’s appointment, and suggested counselling. I feel it’s a case of too much internet but it’s hard to control that- they find old devices if you put restrictions on, and everything works off the internet these days.

My children clearly have their struggles but I feel a failure as a mother as I don’t feel strong enough to deal with them. I’ve already had time off work with stress this week. I feel I just cannot cope with anything any more. What the hell can I do?

Sorry I don't have anything useful to say, but are you aware of bayswatersupport.org.uk/

Thanks itsallgoingtobefine…I hadn’t heard of them, it looks really useful!

I believe that there is a certain therapist who is questioning and not affirming, doing online sessions. Hopefully someone will come along and give more info.

How old is your DS? Am I understanding you correctly in that he has an eating disorder?

How old is your eldest? If he's still a minor, then you have some time - he'll have to get on the NHS waiting list which is a very very long wait. Even the adult list is several years long.

We organised private therapy for our 18 yr who declared themselves trans. They found it useful but it unfortunately didn't deter them from the idea of transitioning. It was tricky finding a therapist who would not automatically confirm their new gender identity, but that my child would accept and realise we weren't trying to "brain wash" them or deny their new identity.

Bayswater support group is excellent for information and to share with like-minded parents.

Please be aware that many GPs and CAMHS practitioners will automatically affirm a new gender identity - it's on the NHS website

Does your eldest have any other conditions? Mine is also autistic and there's a huge overlap around autism, body dissociation and gender identity.

And there seems to be an ever-growing number of us here on MN.

What do you mean , you've been clear re gender throughout their lives?

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).

And what made it a subject to talk about, has there been issues to chat about? I ask because I have 2 children and never had a point where it came up.

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).

This is unnecessary scaremongering. They are a child. That's what they need accepting as. They may or may not have a transgender identity by the time they are an adult. What they need is a supportive space to work that out. Not instant affirmation of every idea they have and an immediate path to a medicalised future.

How old is he?

Have you asked him why he thinks he’s trans.

Have you talked about gender stereotyping

@BatmansBat

I believe that there is a certain therapist who is questioning and not affirming, doing online sessions. Hopefully someone will come along and give more info.

How old is your DS? Am I understanding you correctly in that he has an eating disorder?

Look up James Esses and Thoughtful Therapists

twitter.com/JamesEsses?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor

twitter.com/ThoughtfulTs?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor

You might also find these organisations helpful:

www.transgendertrend.com/

ourduty.group/

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).

Can the idea of being transgender be proven in biology? Based on facts rather than feelings? I've not come across this evidence, please enlighten me so I can give my head a massive shake. Asking in sincerity because I am overwhelmed and lost in this area.

BTW parents can love and support their children whilst simultaneously not agreeing with their child's beliefs. My toddlers very sweetly called themselves kittens for a long time, but at no point did I start feeding them cat food.

Oh OP what a difficult situation. The main thing is to keep dialogue going with your children. This is extremely common now, and most children will grow out of it.

Can you discuss with them what aspects of being the sex they are they find distressing, so you can talk through their fears.

I agree with looking for a good therapist, but not one who will just do affirmation.

what made it a subject to talk about

Well, for us it came up with DS(9) after a diversity talk in school. Apparently certain hobbies are for girls. He asked me if a friend of his might be a girl (doing a particular hobby) and decided to drop an extra curricular activity.

I think he is afraid of turning into a girl and feels safer if he confirms to “boy stereotypes”.

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).

I think you meant that the OP would fail her son if she went along blindly with his belief that it’s possible to change sex. Why do you assume she would lose her child? Talk about emotional blackmail!

OP, I would ask him why he thinks he’s a girl, what he thinks a girl actually is and that if he’s actually gay, very few men want to actually have a relationship with a transwoman. Also, turn off the internet!

@DisgustedofManchester

Your inability to use consistent and correct pronouns makes me worry for the atmosphere your daughter is groing up in.

Give over. Where has the OP said they aren't using the child's pronouns of choice when talking face to face?

The pronouns she uses on line for them is fine they are her son. She has known them as this their whole life so if OP finds it easier to use those pronouns on a thread she has started asking for support then that is fine. Her feels/ thoughts are also valid and you don't get to sensor her use of language.

@BatmansBat

what made it a subject to talk about

Well, for us it came up with DS(9) after a diversity talk in school. Apparently certain hobbies are for girls. He asked me if a friend of his might be a girl (doing a particular hobby) and decided to drop an extra curricular activity.

I think he is afraid of turning into a girl and feels safer if he confirms to “boy stereotypes”.

If school suggested that certain hobbies are for girls or in any other way reinforcing sex stereotypes then they are failing the children in their care. Not to mention contravening DfE guidance and UK Law. Let me know if you need more help to challenge this.

@CorrBlimeyGG

You'll only fail them if you reject them for what they are. Some people are transgender. Accept it or lose your child (and give your head one massive shake).

What a load of woke shite. The boy may be trans but he's still male and will always be. You've obviously swivelled your head way too many times.

If I affirmed everything my autistic child declared themselves to be they would be a girl a cat a boy a cat a black cat a big cat a small cat

Now I could affirm everything and get him whisker implants

But I will not

@DisgustedofManchester

Your inability to use consistent and correct pronouns makes me worry for the atmosphere your daughter is groing up in.

Which inconsistent and incorrect pronouns did the OP use, @disgustedofmanchester? Specifics, please.

Oh dear, here we go with the affirmation only again and instantly use of new pronouns.

Even mainstream Canadian media now acknowledges that there might be an issue with affirmation only.

www.ctvnews.ca/mobile/w5/dramatic-increase-in-children-and-youth-seeking-gender-treatments-has-some-experts-alarmed-1.5633076

@DisgustedofManchester

Your inability to use consistent and correct pronouns makes me worry for the atmosphere your daughter is groing up in.

I cannot express how jarring and frightening I find it that as soon as a child (and we don't know the age of this child) expresses any gender issues activists like Disgusted immediately say you have a daughter now, not a son, and actually you had a daughter all along, you just didn't realise because you assigned your child's gender at birth based on her body parts. This is nonsense. The OP's child has a male body and will always have a male body. Sex is observed, not assigned. No amount of medication and cosmetic surgery will change a person's sex. The way a person dresses, behaves and presents to the world is personality, and that's a totally separate thing from one's sex.

The whole series is fantastic but a quick listen to the latest gender a wider lens podcast would be useful to you, I imagine OP, where Helena, a detransitioned woman talks about her own journey and offers parents advice about what to do when a child starts to talk about a trans identity.