Great. Son now says he’s trans.

[dangermouseisace]

I am doing my best non judgemental listening but oh my god.

Middle child is “non binary”. Eldest today says the reason he’s not eating properly and why he was unhappy 4 years ago is because he’ll never be happy as a man, and he wants hormones surgery the lot.

I have been clear about my opinion re gender throughout their lives. I am glad they feel able to speak to me but I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll book him a dr’s appointment, and suggested counselling. I feel it’s a case of too much internet but it’s hard to control that- they find old devices if you put restrictions on, and everything works off the internet these days.

My children clearly have their struggles but I feel a failure as a mother as I don’t feel strong enough to deal with them. I’ve already had time off work with stress this week. I feel I just cannot cope with anything any more. What the hell can I do?

Ask Transgendertrend charity for advice, they are great at this.

Do not book him a doctors appointment, doctors are under huge pressure to simply agree with the child and put them on a pathway that ends in drugs and hideous surgery. Counselling might be a good idea but I think it’s currently more likely than not that the counsellor will again be pressured to simply affirm his beliefs.

Reduce his internet access, I know it’s hard. You are the adult. You can set up a child account on his computer so he can only access authorised sites. You can takeaway or change his phone. He has been brainwashed from somewhere and you need to work out where it’s coming from. It may be the school in which case consider changing his school.

Let him wear what he wants and explain that clothes / make up etc is nothing to do with what sex we are. Get away from talking about ‘gender’ and ‘nonbinary’ and make conversations more about sex, which is binary. He will never, no matter how many drugs he takes or surgeries he undergoes, be able to ovulate or have multiple orgasms in one session or give birth or breastfeed or experience menopause. He will never be a woman sexually. If he chooses to define the female gender in terms of clothing stereotypes, and to try to lersuade those around him tonperceive him as female, that’s up to him, but make sure he knows what is not possible.

Many boys who say they are trans are gay but have negative feelings about being gay. Explore this. Take advice from LBG Alliance. Maybe help him meet people who accept him as a gay man without pressuring him to see himself as female.

My ds14 has recently decided that he wants to be trans too, I am concerned that his girlfriend has also decided that she wants to be trans and they hang around as a group of teens that either are or want to be the opposite sex. I have no issues with him being whoever he wants to be but he's always had issues fitting in and I'm more concerned that he's doing this to be a part of a group.

I don't know how to find out what he really wants as he just thinks I should start buying him girl clothes otherwise I'm not supporting him properly.

So I have no advice at all, just wanted you to know that you're not alone and we're all muddling through this together!

@YearsSinceISawYou

John. You are a boy. Jane you are a girl. You might be gay, that's fine.

You cannot change sex or species.

Get on with life.

Add to that you may be a boy who likes nail varnish, high heels, skirts, shopping and looking after children or a girl who likes playing football and wearing trousers and no make up . Because we live in a weird fucked up society you may get some hassle for those things but they are absolutely fine too whether you are gay or not.

Therapy is a good start. They need to get to the root of why they think they are trans and non binary.

Body dysphoria is not something that can be treated by just going along with it. That’s the main thing.. you need to examine in an objective not affirming therapy session, that explores why your children feel this way.

I wouldn’t agree to hormones or anything without extensive therapy to get to the bottom of this.

And yes you’re probably right OP. Too much internet has a lot to do with it. Many children are on Sociak media and everyone wants to be “different”.

It used to be that no one wanted labels. Everyone just wanted to be seen as humans and see just how similar we were across racial, nationality lines and women and men seeing how we could all get along better. Now the focus is on labeling yourself to death so everyone recognizes how special and different you are.

May I offer Stonewall as a suggestion for support and advice?

www.stonewall.org.uk

@MargaritaPie

May I offer Stonewall as a suggestion for support and advice?

www.stonewall.org.uk

Only if you have been living under a rock recently Margarita. Next you’ll recommend Mermaids, who tell children they can be born in the wrong body and that they are all on a spectrum depicted by toys, and oh… jelly babies.

If you had caught up with reading, you would know that WPATH are even about to update their guidelines and prominent trans health professionals have all started to admit that the advice of yesterday is not really fit for the current cohort.

But sure, recommend an organisation that has forecably changed the definition of same sex attraction.

@MargaritaPie

May I offer Stonewall as a suggestion for support and advice?

www.stonewall.org.uk

I’d avoid Stonewall like the plague. They have an agenda and it’s not one that supports children.

You may as well suggest mermaids

Cross post @Helleofabore

I don't know if this is helpful, but I thought it was an interesting suggestion, made by a transwoman I used to follow on Twitter (I'm afraid I can't remember the name, but I think they're no longer posting). They were very clear about the profound influence and cheerleading of 'community voices' for young people who are wondering about their gender identity, and made a suggestion for parents whose kids announce that they are trans: to suggest to your teenage child to withdraw from social media (and as much internet use as is possible for someone who is studying) completely for six months. If what a young person is feeling is truly inherent to themselves, a six month pause to consider it, while focusing fully on all the other aspects of your life, is pretty small beer. And it's a chance to demonstrate (to themselves as much as anyone else) that the idea isn't being fed or reinforced by external influences.

I don't know how practical it would be. But I thought it could be quite a useful conversation starter to encourage young people to reflect on how that idea makes them feel, and what it means to them, open conversations about what they've been reading/watching/engaging with, and allow some space on both sides.

@MargaritaPie

May I offer Stonewall as a suggestion for support and advice?

www.stonewall.org.uk

You’re advising a highly homophobic and misogynistic men’s right activist lobby group as a source of support for parenting?

Try not to beat yourself up over this, you certainly haven't failed your children.

We all know how bad social contagion is right now and there is a possibility that this a phase or even just something to pin his worries and troubles on.
Wether he is trans or not it sounds like he could use some counselling.
I think your next move really depends on his age.

Would you and the rest of the family be comfortable with allowing him to explore his feelings within the confines of the family home ?

I have a trans child but we really knew from a young age that this was a possibility.
Probably been quilty of affirming but it's a narrow path to tread, I don't think there is one size answer for everyone.
You know your child better than anyone, what is your gut feeling ? Have you thought about your next step yet?

There was a lovely trans lady on here a while ago who worked with a charity helping young trans people unfortunately she was driven off of these boards but she would always suggest a mixture of watching and waiting along with reversible affirming, so things like clothes etc around the home.

Stonewall?

The lobby organisation for trans rights which just has been dropped from several public institutions?

Stonewall which is trying to silence a black lesbian?

Strange advice

@BatmansBat

Stonewall?

The lobby organisation for trans rights which just has been dropped from several public institutions?

Stonewall which is trying to silence a black lesbian?

Strange advice

Actually I would love to know what qStonewall would say at the moment to a parent with this issue. Given that they must be able to see that they need to be careful about what is on record now if they are to avoid going the way of Kids' Company.

Receipts receipts receipts.

@toocold54

Way too much that is identifying here about a very vulnerable child who could easily be identified by peers, fellow staff or other parents. I don't think this complies with your safeguarding responsibilities and I have reported it as such.

@RepentMotherfucker
How is it identifying?

Do you think that this situation is a rare occurrence?

It's this section - This boy has been in and out of hospital more times than I can count. He is anorexic, self harms and has tried to commit suicide and come close several times. He is not allowed to walk around in his own incase he jumps from an upper floor, we’re not allowed to have anything sharp that he can slit his wrists with etc - and this is all because he doesn’t feel comfortable in his own body.

If I were a member of staff in your school I think I would recognise that child. I might not know anything about the reasons behind these actions or the school's response or his parents' feelings and could put it together from this. There are lots of anecdotes on threads like this but this one stood out to me as crossing a line and potentially being identifiable.

It's just really poor practice when you work with very vulnerable people to put a lot of details about them online. I'd be more reassured if you had said, 'don't worry, I have changed lots of the fundamental parts of this to protect the child's anonymity.'

And I find your judgements about the parents to be in particularly poor taste in the light of this tbh.

Might I add that no one is born in the wrong body.

Gresham College has a lunchtime streaming of a medical ethics lecture on children and medical consent.

www.gresham.ac.uk/lectures-and-events/children-medicine

"You’re advising a highly homophobic and misogynistic men’s right activist lobby group as a source of support for parenting"

No, I'm recommending a gay rights charity which was founded in 1989 and became a charity in 2003. It began as a resistance to the then Government's Section 28 if you're familiar with that.

Stonewall has since became a well established gay rights charity, you can wear a Stonewall hat/shirt to a gay pride event or gay bar and not be kicked out, and a teacher can be a trustee of Stonewall without the students protesting.

I've been donating to them a while now and will continue to do so. In hate-filled times like these they need even more help.

@MargaritaPie

"You’re advising a highly homophobic and misogynistic men’s right activist lobby group as a source of support for parenting"

No, I'm recommending a gay rights charity which was founded in 1989 and became a charity in 2003. It began as a resistance to the then Government's Section 28 if you're familiar with that.

Stonewall has since became a well established gay rights charity, you can wear a Stonewall hat/shirt to a gay pride event or gay bar and not be kicked out, and a teacher can be a trustee of Stonewall without the students protesting.

I've been donating to them a while now and will continue to do so. In hate-filled times like these they need even more help.

It was a gay rights charity.

It hasn’t been for some time.

And it’s throwing the lesbians and gay men under the bus to promote the right of mostly straight white men to access women’s single sex spaces and services, dismantle women’s and homosexuals’ legal rights protections and women and children’s safeguards.

What they were no longer matters. The only thing that matters is what they are now.

Gende-Criticals only hate Stonewall because they are trans-friendly.

Calling them "homophobic and misogynistic men’s right activist lobby group" is unjustified and is just abusive for the sake of being abusive.

I also haven't seen Stonewall compare the inclusion of any vulnerable minority groups to bestiality.

@MargaritaPie

Gende-Criticals only hate Stonewall because they are trans-friendly.

Calling them "homophobic and misogynistic men’s right activist lobby group" is unjustified and is just abusive for the sake of being abusive.

No it’s not abusive to use factual descriptors. Naming material reality is an essential part of safeguarding. Whatever incredible good stonewall was in the past is no longer, it’s now the direct opposite of that. And being honest about that isn’t abusive.

@MargaritaPie

I also haven't seen Stonewall compare the inclusion of any vulnerable minority groups to bestiality.

Are you still bashing on about this load of old tripe when you've been comprehensively debunked repeatedly on many other threads?? I mean, your persistent is fascinating.

It's not a load of old tripe though?
I saw that tweet.

For example, on this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/a4333180-LGB-Alliance?msgid=110283691#110283691

MargaritaPie's claim is made at Thu 26-Aug-21 20:53:05, responses follow that debunk the claim.

Also on the thread about Marion Miller's case being delayed, which now will no longer load for me, so perhaps that thread was subsequently deleted.

Early supporters of Stonewall have now dis-associated with it. Stonewall no longer supports gay people. Many organisations are now pulling out. Its aims are no longer respected as they used to be. This is sad but is the case.