Great. Son now says he’s trans.

[dangermouseisace]

I am doing my best non judgemental listening but oh my god.

Middle child is “non binary”. Eldest today says the reason he’s not eating properly and why he was unhappy 4 years ago is because he’ll never be happy as a man, and he wants hormones surgery the lot.

I have been clear about my opinion re gender throughout their lives. I am glad they feel able to speak to me but I don’t know what to do. I’ve said I’ll book him a dr’s appointment, and suggested counselling. I feel it’s a case of too much internet but it’s hard to control that- they find old devices if you put restrictions on, and everything works off the internet these days.

My children clearly have their struggles but I feel a failure as a mother as I don’t feel strong enough to deal with them. I’ve already had time off work with stress this week. I feel I just cannot cope with anything any more. What the hell can I do?

And you have no idea of the experience of those you constantly seek to shame on this board. And on this thread.

I would suggest you stop trying to give advice that suits your personal agenda.

Let them explore, and not be concerned this is some contagion. Trans has been there throughout human history. Giving them the place to explore and work out their direction is not a bad place. And you know what? They will find their way.

You seem to have little experience with the current cohort and yet you confidently state:

Let them explore, and not be concerned this is some contagion. Trans has been there throughout human history. Giving them the place to explore and work out their direction is not a bad place. And you know what? They will find their way.

Your agenda on these boards have a clear bias and you are known to post misinformation. After all, weren’t you the poster who declared that a founder of stonewall needed educating about gay rights history? And proudly posted a news article about an affirming only doctor in Australia when other gender clinics in Australia were reporting at the same time that a multidisciplinary approach that also treated comorbidities was advisable. In fact, the Australian and New Zealand college of psychology posted advice that supported that too recently.

But then, I am sure OP probably knows more about the current needs of her family than you do.

And from your comments, I don’t think you show much awareness of the reality situation faced by OP and the rest of us.

It takes a whole lot more than ‘giving them space to find their way’.

From all I have seen, transgender regret statistics are sub 1%.

Actually, I have a longitudinal study of post operative adults from across Europe that puts the numbers at 8.3% for females and 8.8% for males.

It never gets discussed by trans activists. Strangely enough because the figures are in a study that looks at something else. Published in 2017.

So, it doesn’t cover the mass of teenage females currently seeking transition of which we are only now getting to see the depth off

Please stop posting misinformation to progress you personal agenda here.

And Mishy, I have seen this contagion in action. Within months 5 out of 7 girls declaring themselves trans in one group of friends. None of which had any symptom of disphoria before hand. And all lesbians.

You might think that this is normal, luckily there are now many people, including Dr Cass who is conducting the independent review in the UK, of the treatment of young trans people, who do not. She has commissioned further research into just what is happening to our youth, males and females for her report.

I believe an Australian report will be looking at this too and how effective treatment is for them

And let’s not forget that Dr Steensma, one of the founders of the Dutch Protocol has also stated that this current cohort is different from the past cohorts.

It is you who is out of touch here.

@eeyore228

It's very hard. I do think that there's so much pressure on kids to ‘experiment’. DD started secondary school last September. She was just 11. In under a year she has told me if you don't experiment it means your are homophobic, transphobic. I under a year she has declared she is gay, then bisexual, then non-binary and now pansexual. She has now told me she's also trans. Now if DD feels that way I will be there, it doesn't change who she is. But I worry that she has experienced all of these feelings with such intensity but don't want her to think I wouldn't support her. She told me she's trans yet an hour later is asking me for make up a dress for a party. When I questioned what made her feel like this she can't tell me. She has 6 close friends who have all come out in a variety of ways. It's a really difficult thing to approach because you want to support your children but at the same time I don't want her to make any huge decisions that are hard to take back.

It's the same thing that I see in my kids' friend groups, and with the kids in my job.

While I think it wasn't so much the case in the past, these days I think proclamations about sexuality or sexual identity in young teens are almost meaningless, and even with a few older ones.

They almost need permission to just let things become clear as they get older.

They almost need permission to just let things become clear as they get older.

This is the hard part for them. Some of these teenagers and tweens are struggling to find their footing with the changes of schools and puberty. It is a very common phenomena for these young people in this country to need to start this identity process very early (it is not happening this way in other countries I have lived in).

They really do need to be supported just as you say. To just let things become clearer as they get older.

Unfortunately, in some cases, this may also need some other support from professionals that take an explorative approach and to also take a lot of time to communicate with the school and with other services. With no pressure from anyone at all. Not friends, not well meaning adults. If things are ‘just left to progress’ as some posters advocate, these teens end up not being able to back out, to change their minds etc.and to not get the care, if they even need it, that suits their specific needs.

It would indeed be ideal if they had plenty of room to explore without any further actions being taken unless it is needed.

Some more thoughts, OP, born from personal experience.

1.Lean in as much as you can to the relationship with your kid - and concentrate on being loving and curious.

1. Focus on activities or projects that simultaneously bring you together and your kid away from the Internet. There are some creepy people on there who have quite possibly told your kid that any current discomfort is due to them 'being trans' rather than any other issue in their life. My oldest was effectively groomed in a Pokemon Discord server into thinking they were trans.

3.There is really no rush to medicalise a teenager's discomfort ie don't feel you need to take your kid to the GP or find a therapist immediately, unless you think they are unwell. The teenage years are a tough time for all, particularly if kids are not neurotypical, so there are lots of questions you can explore as a family in the meantime. And sometimes having doctors potentially affirm this stuff reifies it and does not let it pass as it most probably will.

4.Encourage your teen into any activity that they enjoy and which helps them feel embodied rather than disassociated from their physical selves.

1. A sudden announcement of trans identity in the teens which runs entirely counter to how the kid has always been is, I think, pretty much nothing to do with their 'gender'.

In my experience, there are real issues at play but they are almost certainly not about gender. Rather, these kids are fearful or anxious about something: growing up, other kids' attitudes, feeling they don't fit in, worries about moving on, their emerging sexuality or changing body, porn, a trauma response, lack of control, not feeling seen, insufficient attention within the family, being a privileged person etc etc etc
At this point in time, our culture both encourages and misinterprets this way of expressing distress...

1. It is overwhelming and exhausting dealing with this stuff but your kid will pick up on this and is possibly looking out for 'hostility' as they are encouraged to do by people who don't give a monkeys about their well-being (as we have seen evidenced on the thread) so try to carry on being as loving and engaged as you obviously are.

7.Remember, You are the expert on your child at this point, not teachers, not health professionals, not randoms on the internet.

1. Try to get other family members to understand your position and your strategies for dealing with this so there is no undermining or splitting

1. Practice self care and find someone to vent to irl with whom you can be 100% truthful about how you feel.

10.There is plenty of time and no rush to do anything. It is a marathon and not a sprint. Join groups like Bayswater, gender critical resources etc to get support from other parents going through the same thing.

@MishyJDI

I of course disagree BloodinGutters. Part of being a good parent is also allowing a child to explore and recognise your own upbringing and beliefs may be out of touch or need a reflection!

Not if allowing them to explore is harmful to them.

A parent may grow up believing drugs are not ok, if they reflect and allow their child to go off and use whichever drugs they like then the parent is failing them.

Parents have to be the grown up and safeguard kids.

@toocold54

hmmm. How about a different tact? Let him/her explore their identity. Love them, and let them work it out? Try not to be too judgemental or rely on the critics on here. It's about your child and them exploring what works for them. I hope things work out for you. x

I completely agree!

Imagine thinking your transgender (or gay or whatever) spending years fighting with your parents over it who absolutely won’t accept it and then realise you might not be. As a stubborn teen you could never tell your parents that you’ve changed your mind so you’d have to go along with it.
Whereas having a parent who shows support for anything you do even if they don’t agree means a child would be a lot more likely to discuss things with them and tell them that they do or don’t want to do certain things anymore.

When I was 13 I wanted to explore dropping out of school, using drugs, having sex with my much older musician boyfriend, skipping food in favour of using razor blades to cut myself.

The grown ups (the professional kind not my parents) knew to be grown ups and insisted I finish education and not make any life altering decisions until I was legally old enough. They didn’t push any ideas about drugs or sex or education, they just drew a line and said me making these choices had to wait until i was an adult. I got to keep my punk music and my androgynous clothing style. They got me help for the cutting and ed.

Between 13 & 16, while the grown ups were being grown ups and drawing clear boundaries that I was the kid, this amazing thing happened. I grew up. And in my own time I came to realise that i didn’t want to be a sex toy for a creepy older man and that drugs and cutting weren’t rebellion, they were evidence I wasn’t happy being abused. So the adults protected me rather than opening the door to harm. Arguing against safeguarding kids is not welcomed on a parenting board.

Let children explore? Are you fecking mad Mishy? As if any decent parent worthy of the name would let their children freely explore this disgusting movement filled with the most disturbed and deranged people who lobby for keeping parents in the dark and who have no idea about safeguards. Who position themselves as a 'glitter family' to groom children. Who gleefully use children's immaturity and confusion p to hide their own true motives.

Honestly, the people on this thread who argue for sacrificing children, through use of threats and fearmongering, to this horrific 'movement' are really something else.

@Leafstamp

Just wanted to say the following mirrors where I’m at, and I know we’re not the only ones. The fact that the parent/school relationship has become like this is tragic.

I feel like I go into schools prepped for war. I get everything emailed or minutes or send follow up emails if a conversation wasn’t minuted. I can quote school policies and d of e guidelines and laws at them if put on the spot. I am recording everything so it’s ready for formal complaints if necessary. I’m obsessively pedantic about not letting anything slip past us and I know they think I’m fussing over nothing but I can’t understand how they find it difficult to follow d of e guidance. I have such little tolerance for stupidity, and I’m not waiting until they’ve groomed my kids

If you have any advice from your can add to my threads about schools I’d greatly appreciate it.

I’ve nc a couple of times already since signing up (for fun) but it’s all distiller songs so easy to trace.

But I’m glad in a weird way I’m not the only one who feels like this, because school treat me like I’m crazy. I know I’m not, I know I perceive risk much clearer than most because of being a survivor of csa & because I have girls with autism, so at greater risk. But i can’t for the life of me wrap my head around why people trained in safeguarding, especially dls and specialists in autism, can’t grasp that this is a safeguarding risk. I was told ‘I can see you feel strongly about this’ the other day by one potential secondary school dsl. I feel strongly schools should follow the d of e guidance and safeguard kids Because she comes across many people who consider the d of e guidance optional??? It’s madness.

@Helleofabore

And Mishy, I have seen this contagion in action. Within months 5 out of 7 girls declaring themselves trans in one group of friends. None of which had any symptom of disphoria before hand. And all lesbians.

You might think that this is normal, luckily there are now many people, including Dr Cass who is conducting the independent review in the UK, of the treatment of young trans people, who do not. She has commissioned further research into just what is happening to our youth, males and females for her report.

I believe an Australian report will be looking at this too and how effective treatment is for them

And let’s not forget that Dr Steensma, one of the founders of the Dutch Protocol has also stated that this current cohort is different from the past cohorts.

It is you who is out of touch here.

I wonder if they identify as trans to escape the accusations of bigot if they don’t accept tw as sexual partners? If the lesbians say they are trans then presumably they get to say that they are allowed ‘genital preferences’ because if not their dysphoria would be triggered.

My oldest was effectively groomed in a Pokemon Discord server into thinking they were trans.

The discord servers are one of those very problematic issues. My teen has never had access because early on, even on club penguin I think, we had an issue with a very convenient friend who was miraculously the same age as my tween at the time, lived in same town and other suspicious commonalities. On first weekend of access.

But when they turned 13 we allowed them access to Instagram and I monitored their activity discreetly for a while. It was in a group chat with their school friends I noticed an incident of csa sneak in. Two of their friends posted a pornographic story that had been made up on a discord server those two were on. Apparently, each child added a line to the story. The story was about a female cartoon character and involved blood play, incestuous family group sex in graphic detail. No detail that 13-14 year olds would know. And what girls of that age even know about blood play? They are just coming to terms with their periods, they are most certainly not thinking of having an orgy of family sex while they are bleeding.

I suspect this was a ‘trans’ discord group as it was at this time my teen told me that those particular friends had declared themselves trans and had met new trans friends on discord who were ‘helping’ them.

I believe I have witnessed the effects of this [insert word that tends to incur deletion] in action.

Ds thought he was trans when he was about 12/13 years old. At the time I told him he didn't have to decide to be anything - he might feel like he's trans for a while and then he might change his mind - but whatever he decided I would love him anyway. Fast forward as a 15 year old he came out as gay - again I said fine but you might decide you like girls in a year or two and if you do that's ok too - don't allow yourself to be defined by who you find attractive and whatever you decide we love you. I think a year after that he decided he might be bisexual and now I don't know where he is at with the whole thing - he does not defined by his sexuality - but he did say that the whole trans thing was him trying to make sense of how he was feeling. At 18 I don't think he's got there yet and imo there's no rush - he's happy with who he is.

I wonder if they identify as trans to escape the accusations of bigot if they don’t accept tw as sexual partners? If the lesbians say they are trans then presumably they get to say that they are allowed ‘genital preferences’ because if not their dysphoria would be triggered.

I think this maybe so.

In my post above, that csa story was delivered into the group by two other lesbians. Talking about piv sex involving blood play…. yeah… right.

We have a transboy in the group who talks about how much they like being a ‘bimbo’ occasionally as well. A 15 year old very vulnerable female socially transitioned with a hugely active social media account talking about being a ‘bimbo’? I fully believe this child is mimicking what they are seeing and hearing without any understanding of it.

Send red flag alarms in my head. But it is not my place to discuss it with that teen at all and certainly not around my own. But I will be mentioning it to their mother quietly next time I see their mother, just as a heads.

The school they all go to is very good about teaching these students about consent. They get extra sessions about it all through secondary. So when I have discussed peer pressure to accept dick when they are not attracted to dick at all, they are very well aware and horrified that lesbians are getting this pressure. I am not convinced other parents of the teens in this group are having these conversations.

I know one of them has a transgirl girlfriend and is having alcohol fueled piv sex as a lesbian. At 14.

This is the reality that posters who post ‘just let them be’ do not understand. Or like to minimise. The degree of harm that is happening here under the guise of ‘just letting them be’.

I agree with a lot of anewcreation’s advice. But if you have a girl at home (rather than the OP’s son) I would certainly be trying to understand what social media they are accessing and what is being said/shown because a lot of this may be also coming through their friends. Their friends posting links to things that they would not be seeing otherwise. From platforms they have no access to.

Just as a heads up.

Sorry.

And I am discussing consent with my own teen, I realize that I forgot to add that in.

Ohhh dear OP.

I think it's not just the Internet it's everything. There's too much choice. My Grandad swore by that phrase and he would play pot with my grandma for giving us too much choice.

It makes things complicated and I'm not surprised children of today seem confused.

@Helleofabore

I wonder if they identify as trans to escape the accusations of bigot if they don’t accept tw as sexual partners? If the lesbians say they are trans then presumably they get to say that they are allowed ‘genital preferences’ because if not their dysphoria would be triggered.

I think this maybe so.

In my post above, that csa story was delivered into the group by two other lesbians. Talking about piv sex involving blood play…. yeah… right.

We have a transboy in the group who talks about how much they like being a ‘bimbo’ occasionally as well. A 15 year old very vulnerable female socially transitioned with a hugely active social media account talking about being a ‘bimbo’? I fully believe this child is mimicking what they are seeing and hearing without any understanding of it.

Send red flag alarms in my head. But it is not my place to discuss it with that teen at all and certainly not around my own. But I will be mentioning it to their mother quietly next time I see their mother, just as a heads.

The school they all go to is very good about teaching these students about consent. They get extra sessions about it all through secondary. So when I have discussed peer pressure to accept dick when they are not attracted to dick at all, they are very well aware and horrified that lesbians are getting this pressure. I am not convinced other parents of the teens in this group are having these conversations.

I know one of them has a transgirl girlfriend and is having alcohol fueled piv sex as a lesbian. At 14.

This is the reality that posters who post ‘just let them be’ do not understand. Or like to minimise. The degree of harm that is happening here under the guise of ‘just letting them be’.

I agree with a lot of anewcreation’s advice. But if you have a girl at home (rather than the OP’s son) I would certainly be trying to understand what social media they are accessing and what is being said/shown because a lot of this may be also coming through their friends. Their friends posting links to things that they would not be seeing otherwise. From platforms they have no access to.

Do the parents of the lesbian with the transgirl girlfriend (that’s a head fuck even to write never mind live) know their daughter is having alcohol fulled piv sex? Is the transgirl same age or above 16?

@Alwayswantedasmegf

Ohhh dear OP.

I think it's not just the Internet it's everything. There's too much choice. My Grandad swore by that phrase and he would play pot with my grandma for giving us too much choice.

It makes things complicated and I'm not surprised children of today seem confused.

I think it can look like too much choice, but in reality it is the opposite. It’s just a manipulation back to girls must do what boys want and expect and if they don’t ‘bigot!!!’.

It’s the absence of choice, autonomy and consent, because they are unable to access those things. But masquerading as all choices all the time. Which makes it even more confusing for these kids, especially girls.

Hello, can I join in? I have t read every comment, but it’s raised concerns that we’re bubbling at the back of my head. I can move this if it’s the wrong place. Thanks.
Dd 16, has non binary older people at school. She’s decided she’s non binary and her friends, were all super supportive ( wanted something exciting to talk about)and pushed her into telling the teacher ( she admits she didn’t really want to) the guidance teacher called me, to explain, already referring to MY daughter as they and by the new name she’s chosen. He / idiot was telling me he could have her new name on the exam results and that he’d put her name down for some lgbt counselling.
Horrified, I called the lgbt counsellor who said, no, they are just there to help, and if it’s raised by the child they would talk it through. The guidance teacher has obviously forgotten to put her name down anyway.
This all sits really uncortably with me, it’s like it’s all got way out of hand. It’s like he’s falling over himself to be cool, and it’s utter crap.I’d like the school to ‘ forget’ to use the name and to let it blow over. Surely she should be allowed to just get on and explore quietly without being labelled at this stage?IMO. She’s there to study, not be put though added stress.
He called me about something else, and is calling my daughter this new name, to me! He says she is 16 so legally she can use it. I didn’t ask him to use it, and now I feel, well, really disturbed.
I just feel he is jumping too quickly and without thought.
What do I do?

Sorry, doesn’t sound like to big an issue compare to the above!

It is a big issue Name and I direct you to this.

safeschoolsallianceuk.net/wp-content/uploads/2021/08/22Aug_Advice-note-schools-socially-transitioning.pdf

Your DD hasn't changed her name by deed poll, the school should use her registered name and any nickname you included in entitlement forms. This is a big issue, you are the parent, the school are overstepping.

Personally, if it were me, I would be very wary of this teacher and I would start to ask some questions.

I am so sorry namebunny. Someone with personal experience of this will come along soon.

I worry that the instant affirmation makes it harder for children to backtrack. I can understand your worry, especially as your child doesn’t seem too keen on this in the first instance.

Do have a read of the webpage below

bayswatersupport.org.uk/

I have only encountered this gender teachings in our schools recently. As a result my son is now trying to conform to sex stereotypes. He is a boy, very happy to be a boy and great at sports. It is too bad that he now thinks that he cannot do certain hobbies as they may turn him into a girl. Don’t get me wrong, he has a lot of hobbies that he likes. But I think all children should be able to do everything they like without worrying about some magic glitter being turning them into the opposite sex. DS is only 9.

You have my sympathy namebunny.

Surely she should be allowed to just get on and explore quietly without being labelled at this stage?IMO.

I agree. However the peer pressure is so immense. I have also heard of girls now declaring themselves to be bisexual to fit in from talking to other parents at the school.

Any person who denies there is a whole range of external pressures being applied to our tweens and teens is simply not living with a child of that age right now, or has a child without any social anxiety or other issues and who has remained blissfully unaware of what is happening around them.

He called me about something else, and is calling my daughter this new name, to me! He says she is 16 so legally she can use it. I didn’t ask him to use it, and now I feel, well, really disturbed.

I have two friends who have children have changed their name on the school register without the parents knowing or permission.

It is quite interesting to listen to Baroness Nicholson who has done a lot of work with trafficked children and what she has to say about allowing these changes and how child protection is failing in allowing this.

I just feel he is jumping too quickly and without thought.

That could very well be. There seems to be the push back that parents are phobic etc. I know damn well my own teen completely over emphasised things that were just a minor issue when they were in therapy sessions. Because they felt they had to have something to talk about. They admitted it later when they confessed the therapy wasn’t working and wasn’t useful really. And that time to work themselves out and finding new friends (their choice) helped more.

So, I know that sometimes teens do amplify issues because they feel pressure to make it more than it is. You as the child’s parent will have insight into it, whereas the teacher/psychologist may not have that benefit and should not discount the child presenting their distress ever. Because the distress could just as easily be really at the described level or even understated. It is a very hard on all people involved in my experience.

for all the parents of dysphoric sons and daughters on this thread.

My DD has a friend who was born female but has been calling themselves by a male name and identifying as male since at least year 7 (that was when my DD met them).

Their Instagram is full of photos of them dressing up in French maid outfits and doing what I would call ‘little girl lost’ poses with various Hello Kitty cuddly toys. Not something I would think matches with wanting to identify as a boy.

They have autism and anorexia and I just feel so sorry for this lost little girl who has no fucking clue what to do. Instead of getting help she is being left to ‘explore’, and as far as I can see it is ruining her life.