Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Help me find the best answer to “Cheer up, love”?

165 replies

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 09/03/2021 16:51

I live near a really beautiful park. A few times a week in nice weather I walk 5yo dd to school through it, pushing toddler dd2 in the pram, and then walk home (about 1.3 miles each way). It used to be a highlight of my day.

A group of 6-10ish dog walkers, in approx their sixties, gather around a bench on the only path through everyday at about the time i head home. One of them is a loud man who is always holding court and giving his opinion, or bellowing hello to people half way across the park. I never really paid attention and don’t really care what other people do, but he is loud enough i was aware of him.

About last June, i walked through this group (no other paths and a steep slope beside that i can’t push the pram on) and he said loudly “Cheer up, love.” I said “i’m sorry?” He repeated “Cheer up” and added something about how miserable I looked. I snapped that that was a ridiculous thing to say to a total stranger, that he had no idea what was going on in my life, and that I wouldn’t “cheer up” just because he had told me to. My life was nothing to do with him. (As it happens i wasn’t uncheerful, I was just pushing a heavy baby up a steep slope and i’m out of shape, none of which was any of his business).

Unpleasant, but i thought that was the end of it. But ever since, every time I walk home they go silent and stare at me from quite a distance as I approach, whisper to each other whilst staring at me, occasionally call things out to each other about me (“oh it’s her, you’d better mind out” etc) and the loud man always shouts over-exaggerated “good morning” or “feeling cheerful today, are we?” That make all his friends laugh.” As none of them socially distance or wear masks, i often have to do a wide semi-circle around them (wide to keep the pram from overbalancing on the slope) and they often call out patronising advice whilst i do it, whilst making no effort to stand back from the path. I know it sounds innocuous and like i’m imagining this but i assure you in real life it’s really obvious, and quite upsetting. These are a mixed group, mainly women, all in their sixties-ish at 9am and i feel as intimidated as i would faced with teenagers in hoodies on a dark night. I hate the walk i previously loved.

Can anyone suggest anything i could say that would stop it? I am not really shy but i get anxious and any scenario i can imagine (including threatening to inform the police which has flitted across my mind) just leads to more harassment because they would just say innocently that they had done nothing wrong, which technically they haven’t. I just want to be left alone. I don’t know these people, i don’t want to stop them doing what they want to do, i just want to walk through the park in peace and quiet. I am not sorry i called him out on what he originally said, but i wish i’d known that it would lead to a situation where the schools closing actually semi-improved my day for selfish reasons. I will resume walking from this Thursday and would like to go with a few rehearsed responses in my pocket (to cut down the chance i’ll just cry. Again.)

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 10/03/2021 10:03

Ooo, op, I had EXACTLY this. It was a car salesman and and I’d done the “my expression is my business” thing to him when he yelled “cheer up” at me, in front of a couple of customers, believe it or not. (It was years ago to be fair). Anyway, after that if he was on the forecourt with customers when I passed he always made some comment to them along the lines of what you experienced.

Anyone, one day when I was feeling particularly murderous towards him I stopped in my tracks, turned on my heel marched up to him and stared at him dead in the eye. After a few uncomfortable moments, he asked if he could help me.

Me-you obviously want my attention, so now you have it, fire away.
Him- don’t know what you mean
Me- well you always make some sort of comment about me when I pass, so either you want my attention or you just enjoy making young women feel uncomfortable, which is it.
Him- I was just having a joke.
Me- oh, I love jokes, please share it, I’m sure it’s hilarious.
Him- look it’s just a joke ok
Me- still waiting to hear the joke
Him- just fuck off and leave me alone
Me - I will if you will.
And off I ran. All done in front of his mortified customers. It worked a bloody treat, he never said me another word to me.

CardinalLolzy · 10/03/2021 11:29

@Aposterhasnoname

Ooo, op, I had EXACTLY this. It was a car salesman and and I’d done the “my expression is my business” thing to him when he yelled “cheer up” at me, in front of a couple of customers, believe it or not. (It was years ago to be fair). Anyway, after that if he was on the forecourt with customers when I passed he always made some comment to them along the lines of what you experienced.

Anyone, one day when I was feeling particularly murderous towards him I stopped in my tracks, turned on my heel marched up to him and stared at him dead in the eye. After a few uncomfortable moments, he asked if he could help me.

Me-you obviously want my attention, so now you have it, fire away.
Him- don’t know what you mean
Me- well you always make some sort of comment about me when I pass, so either you want my attention or you just enjoy making young women feel uncomfortable, which is it.
Him- I was just having a joke.
Me- oh, I love jokes, please share it, I’m sure it’s hilarious.
Him- look it’s just a joke ok
Me- still waiting to hear the joke
Him- just fuck off and leave me alone
Me - I will if you will.
And off I ran. All done in front of his mortified customers. It worked a bloody treat, he never said me another word to me.

That's perfect! You should run a masterclass Grin
334bu · 10/03/2021 11:37

I think the idea of addressing the women is a good one- "why are you allowing this man to harass a woman on her own like this?" If you can try to single them out and address them individually that might help. I'd then address him and just say "You are behaving like a bully. Leave me alone."

I really don't agree with this as it is yet another example of women always being blamed for whatever men are doing. She made me do it. She just had to say no. She shouldn't have been walking alone at night..........and so it goes on.

Akire · 10/03/2021 11:44

@Aposterhasnoname that was amazing. This is the sort of thing they should teach in schools. It’s something which is insignificant to boys just In a man I have right to talk to woman. They have no idea of results.

MissBarbary · 10/03/2021 11:47

@merryhollybright

Some of these reactions are even more childish than what the bloke said in the first place! I hope some of the PPs are just fantasizing and haven't actually used them in real life. OP either ignore them or be direct. I think the idea of addressing the women is a good one- "why are you allowing this man to harass a woman on her own like this?" If you can try to single them out and address them individually that might help. I'd then address him and just say "You are behaving like a bully. Leave me alone."
Indeed. Particularly the suggestion of using a disparaging comment about another woman's appearance as a retaliation
Loopyloututu2 · 10/03/2021 11:51

Me-you obviously want my attention, so now you have it, fire away.
Him- don’t know what you mean
Me- well you always make some sort of comment about me when I pass, so either you want my attention or you just enjoy making young women feel uncomfortable, which is it.
Him- I was just having a joke.
Me- oh, I love jokes, please share it, I’m sure it’s hilarious.
Him- look it’s just a joke ok
Me- still waiting to hear the joke
Him- just fuck off and leave me alone
Me - I will if you will.
And off I ran. All done in front of his mortified customers. It worked a bloody treat, he never said me another word to me.

You ROCK!

OP - I reckon some if not all of the women he’s with probably think he’s a massive arsehole but he’s the kind of bully where people won’t take him to task over his behaviour because then he’ll turn on them. Just like the bullies at school really.
You should definitely walk up to him and confront him - I would go completely OTT and cause a scene - maybe make them think I’m a bit unhinged! But that’s just me!

imsoinmyhead · 10/03/2021 11:54

I haven't read the whole thread but my suggestion would be as follows:

"Why don't you move your lazy arses off the park bench and actually go exercise your dogs rather than insulting people as they walk past - twats"

And yes, I absolutely would say that to them. In fact, I'd have told them to fuck right off long ago.

Floisme · 10/03/2021 12:03

I spent decades thinking up devastatingly witty rebuttals, until I decided that nothing got under their skin more than being ignored.

Weirdfan · 10/03/2021 12:18

I was feeling genuinely anxious and tense when i posted. Now i’m comforted and highly amused. You really are a wonderful bunch of vipers.

Now you just have to imagine there's an army of us around you when you walk past, whether that means you confront them or just sail past not giving a shiny shit what they say doesn't matter as long as you feel less intimidated Smile

Sophoclesthefox · 10/03/2021 12:37

You’ve had some great ideas here, ones that you can have a laugh thinking about and ones that you could seriously try.

It’s so out of order what they’re doing.

I would just go for a clearly stated boundary : “please stop. You’re making me uncomfortable and I don’t want to speak to you”.

Or you could be on the phone and as you get within harassing distance, say something like: “ oh, hey Kate, hang on a minute, I’ve just got to get past this group of total losers who make smart remarks every morning...yeah, every morning, pathetic, isn’t it? No, what would I say, I just ignore them, it’s so daft, I can’t be bothered”.

aposterhasnoname, kudos to you for that comeback, and your username Grin

Athenajm80 · 10/03/2021 12:52

I'd just say 'why'.
Man - smile love
Me - why?
Man - you look miserable
Me - why does it matter?
Etc etc

Make him have to explain his comments

30PercentRecycled · 10/03/2021 12:57

@Floisme

I spent decades thinking up devastatingly witty rebuttals, until I decided that nothing got under their skin more than being ignored.
100% agree

Especially when they escalate to referencing the fact that they have been engaged in a campaign of minor harassment. Look at them blankly "Have we met?" and "I'm sorry I don't know what you are talking about. I think you might have confused me with someone else"

renallychallenged · 10/03/2021 13:15

In theory I'd love to stand up to them, like the car salesman above.

In reality I'd probably pretend to be on the phone as I went past.

idontlikealdi · 10/03/2021 13:18

Fuck off, cocks.

I may be more aggressive than you though....

I got pissed off the amount of times I would be steam walking my twins through the park that they actually slept that anyone who interrupted me would have got it full throttle.

yearinyearout · 10/03/2021 13:18

"Fuck off twat" works for me

nitsandwormsdodger · 10/03/2021 13:30

"I'm not miserable at all just wondering where to bury the body"

nitsandwormsdodger · 10/03/2021 13:34

" yes I could do with a giggle , show me your dick"

joystir59 · 10/03/2021 13:37

Random man on the street (saying something to me I've been hearing men say to me since I was 13): 'Cheerful up love, it might never happen'
Me: Fuck off.

Liquorishtoffee · 10/03/2021 13:53

Luckily I’m Glaswegian.

‘Get tae fuck’ or ‘come here and say that’. Of course it doesn’t work when you are caught by surprise (my tosser alert radar isn’t always working)

Weirdfan · 10/03/2021 14:03

'I'll cheer up when you fuck off' would also work if you were feeling brave Smile

Scrunchy95 · 10/03/2021 14:09

Just shout "Sure thing Grandpa" his friends will laugh at him rather than along with him and he will think twice about doing it again.

WhiskyWhiskersdottir · 10/03/2021 14:22

@Liquorishtoffee

Luckily I’m Glaswegian.

‘Get tae fuck’ or ‘come here and say that’. Of course it doesn’t work when you are caught by surprise (my tosser alert radar isn’t always working)

Gonnae naw.
Liquorishtoffee · 10/03/2021 14:32

Quit it...

plominoagain · 10/03/2021 14:38

Personally I found "Tell you what mate , why don't you shut up and give your arse a rest " - quite successful, mainly because they were having to stop talking in order to try and work out what it meant , not being able to backchat and think at the same time ...

Beowulfa · 10/03/2021 14:44

This has always annoyed me, but I'd genuinely never clocked before that it's only women who get told this (by men).

I don't want to live in a society where everyone walks round grinning inanely all the time.

Swipe left for the next trending thread